Grandmother Shows Favor

We have battled this and I don't know the 'proper way' to handle it but here is how we have approached it.

We have a nephew 13 years older than our son and a niece 4 years older.

Our son was the first grandson on one side of the family but he gets lost in the shuffle with both sets of grandparents because both sets focus on the older grandchildren.

It bothered my husband and I and we have had multiple discussions on how to handle it.

Our son hasn't acted out toward his cousins but his female cousin does act out toward him, hitting him, taking his toys and 'showing out' when the attention she gets is 'threatened' by our son's presence.

Anyway, we opted to not mention it to our siblings or parents. We opted to give our son the oppurtunity to know his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents with no prejudice and we try to make the visits as enjoyable as possible.

We chose this avenue because we didn't want to sound petty or jealous to our own parents or siblings by bringing the issue up or cause any tension by bringing attention to the issue.

We figured our son knows he is loved by us tremendously and his other family loves him too, the other grandchildren have just been around longer and in our case, live a lot closer to their grandparents-- so it's never going to be equal anyway.

I know this probably won't be a 'popular' response or stance, but taking the high road makes us feel better and you can't 'make' others treat your children a certain way, so it may be more frustrating and disheartening to you and your hubby to focus on it, and may damage your child's relationship with his grandparents and cousins and yours as well.

Good Luck.

Yes, I too have been dealing w/ this. As far as my own mother and father go, they favored my older daughter... she was the first. They also favor my nephew... only boy, now they will favor my twin neices. My younger daughter tended to get "lost" in the shuffle. Nowadays, she has become an outgoing kid and has "made her presence known" so to speak. I, too, chose not to say anything for the same reason as the other mother who responded. W/ that side of the fam it has worked itself out.
However... w/ my MIL, she favors my youngest bro-in-law's kids. And she really doesn't make that a secret. (says "no" to my kids or oldest BIL's kids when they wanted to sit on her lap, but let the "fav" BIL's kids do so... and right in front of them) Fortunately, since we don't see them very often at all (maybe twice a yr) the kids don't witness it too much. HOWEVER, when xmas time roles around... it's completely evident w/ the presents who are her favorites. My kids do see it, but they are not quite old enough yet to realize the favoritism.
I'm not sure that we can do anything about this. Again, I feel it's probably best not to say anything. That side of the family is a whole other set of issues that even Dr. Phil couldn't figure out...

Sorry... I know that didn't help too much. I kinda went on a rant about my MIL =] Anyway... I think it'll work itself out. Your daughter will find her own "niche". Meanwhile, just let her know YOU hear her and see her and make it known that it isn't acceptable to act out for the attention. Best of luck to you =)

Hi M.. Such a tough spot to be in when you feel that one of your kids is being ignored by two important people in their lives. When my brothers and I were little the same thing happened to us. My oldest brother was favored by my grandparents because he looked the most like their side of the family! My other brother had more of my moms traits and so he wasn't treated like my brother. They actually thought he wasn't my dads kid! Anyway, needless to say it caused a lot of problems and resentment. Here we are 25 years later and one of my brothers doesn't speak to my dad or grandparents. My mom could never talk to my grandmother about it or my dad for that matter. As much as I'm sure you don't want to talk to your mom in law or grandma, you might have to. You don't want your children to grow up resenting each other because one feels more "loved" or more "special" than the other. I hope if you can talk to them that they will understand. Good luck.

HI M., When my kids were growing up; my mom always favored my oldest daughter. (she was 3 yrs older than the other 2, so that meant everyone had 3 extra yrs to spoil her.) Well, when I saw my mom showing favortism, I just told her if she couldn't do the same for all 3 of my kids, don't do for any of them. To this day, my kids know their g-mother shows more love to the older child, and I thought how sad. Just tell your kids you love them both unconditionally the same. I have 2 g-kids of mine own,I try real hard not to show favortism to either. I do special things for them both and if I buy for 1, I buy for the other.

Hi M.,

Reading your story brought back many memories for me. I am now a 51 year old mother of two daughters now 22 & 24. I am also a grandmother of a 22 month old grandson and they all live with me.

My ex-husband and his parents always showed favor on our oldest daughter who is the spitting image of her father. Our youngest daughter resembles me. It was very painful for Laura our youngest daughter while she was growing up. She tried everything to get attention from them. It was equally painful for me to watch as we were already divorced by that time and I was not part of his families conversations.

Laura couldn't understand why they didn't "love" her as much, or why if my ex-husband's side of the family treated her sister so much better why my side of the family treated them equally. As she got older I suggested she ask talk with her father about it, but she never felt comfortable doing that. A couple of weeks ago Laura was contacted by her step-mother saying that her grandparents where deteriorating physically. She was able at that point to tell her that she felt as much hearing about them as she would feel about someone being killed on the news.

I will pray for your family because children do notice preferential treatment, and it can remain with them the rest of their lives.

M.

You need to let them know how you feel. They may not feel that they are ignoring her.

We've had soem issues with this. I'm recently married and we each had a child from previous marriages. My MIL favors her biological granddaughter whoich is natural, I suppose. But my exhusbands mother passed last fall and since then my daughter has looked to my husbands mother to fill that role. Our wauy of dealing with has been to try not to let the favoring happen too much. For example, MIL doesn't mind letting my step daughetr stay teh night, but not my daughter. So we just don't allow it to happen. Either they both stay, or neither one stays. We don't have either one full time so my step daughter does get to stay when my daughter is at her father's house.
My DH's parents are also divorced, so we were very active in helping his father Christmas shop for the girls so that they got an equal amount of presents.