Grandma and Grandpa Want So Much........!!!!

You are NOT being selfish by breastfeeding your baby! People who have not breastfed their babies do not understang the whole concept behind breastfeeding. Many of our parents never breastfed their babies as formula feeding was the thing to do at that time. I would not give up breastfeeding your young baby. An occasional bottle with pumped breastmilk seems reasonable. I would try to involve teh grandparents as much as you can while also preserving your marriage and sanity. I think it's easy for other generations to forget what it can be like to be in your shoes.

I went through this some. I exclusively bf my son for a whole year and am still breast feeding him some and he's 15 months. They often made comments about "How long are you gonna bf him?" I told them about all the benefits of bfing and how the american academy of pediatrics reccomends exclusive bf for 1 year, they still asked as the year went on but at least they knew I wasn't weird for not going to formula, like they had with their kids. You don't have to bf for a whole year if that's not your plan, but you could still use that fact with them. 12 weeks is young to leave your baby if you don't want to, but it is important to let the grandparents bond with him. I'm reading between the lines and I have to say it sounds like these are your in-laws. If I'm right I just want to let you know that I found no matter how well you get along with them, it's normal to feel a little possesive(for lack of a better word) of your time and son. You do however need to be aware that this is most likely due to the in-law relationship. I have ALWAYS gotten along extremely well with my in-laws and then once my son came they invited us to come to dinner when he was only a week, I had already gone to a baby shower the day before and the doctor the day before that so I felt I couldn't use the excuse that I'm not leaving the house, but after 2 other outtings the previous days I was tired, we ended up going, but I kinda felt resentful. After about 5 months or so, my husband and I had an appointment so I let them babysit my son for a couple hours and after that we stopped being invited as a family and I kept getting asked when they could watch him next and spend time with him. I felt weird that they didn't want to see us as a family anymore and just wanted to see him alone. They didn't mean to exclude us, they were just excited to be with thier first grandbaby. I'm sure your in-laws don't mean to intrude, but it's such a joy to be a grandparent they can't help wanting to be there all the time. Anways, I never had these feelings toward my mom. There were other little comments made that irked me for some reason and I realized that if my mom said or did the same little things I wouldn't care so I had to work at not getting irked by thinking to myself 2 things. 1. If my mom said or did that would it bother me? 2. When my son grows up and has a baby, will I feel the same entitlement to his baby and how will I want my daughter-in-law to treat me. That being said you can defiently set up boundries to keep your atomic family comfortable while letting the grandparents have the joy of grandparenthood they've been working toward their whole life, after all they were good enough with kids to raise your wonderful husband. Hope this helps :)

I'm sorry, I don't it... How is simply wanting to come over to your home (personal), instead of going out (impersonal) a problem? Just have them over and enjoy the ice cream.

As far as sleep overs - easy answer. No. No thanks... maybe "someday" but not anytime soon, not anytime when you are not comfortable with the idea. Lots of old-timers don't get the breast-feeding thing (I BF both my children till age 3) and I just learned to not let my MIL's comments to me. Thankfully, she complained to DH and not me (she knew better - LOL) and so he shielded me.

Maybe they are lonely? Maybe they are "desperate" because they feel continually pushed away? Just create a schedule that you are comfortable with. Have them over once or twice a month for dinner (week night, so you are not spending an entire weekend day with them if that's too much for you.) How about ONE weekend day with them a month? Remind them that it won't be like this forever. It's just a very new time for your family and you want to enjoy some privacy right now...

My father died when I was 4. My mother died when I was 21. No grandparents on my side. DH is estranged from his father and his mom is sweet (but I would never leave my children alone with her for a few hours, let alone an entire day - not that she's asked - LOL.) We live on separate coasts, and when she visits (twice a year for their birthdays) she stays a week at a time. It ain't easy (she's not an easy guest), but I'm not complaining and I am very gracious. I do think it's important for my children to have a relationship with their grandparents (elders). Having more familial relationships besides mother/father is the norm around the world. I WISH my children had more of it.

I know if I lived on the East Coast we'd definitely see Grandma more and that would be cool with me. She has her own stories to share, own interests and children are enriched by that. Consider yourself lucky they care so much. Just establish some boundaries and don't appear aloof. That would be hurtful to them.

I pumped and breastfed so that my husband could participate in feeding our child. He loved it.
This way, you can keep up your milk production and others can enjoy your baby's company.
Your in-laws sound a bit overbearing.
You and your husband need to set up some kind of parameters within which everyone can function, as long as you are happy.

My husband and I have two children (4.5 and 2.5) with #3 due in 7 weeks.
We wish we had "overbearing" relatives to give us time for each other (they live in Florida, we in CA).
Of course, with your first child, and especially at the beginning with any child, every second is so precious (my husband works every day, long hours).
But, try to let your in-laws feel involved and appreciated. Any break down of the relationship can be regretful.

It's a tough line to walk, but remember that the most important relationship is with your husband. The kids will be gone some day, but not you or your husband: nurture those two relationships as much as possible.

Good luck and be honest with yourself (but not too honest with your in-laws; diplomacy is the best policy in that arena).

Okay this is a very common issue and here are some suggestions! 1. Just because you are breast feeding there is no reason why you can't leave the baby for very short intervals. I used to freeze my breast milk in the then thaw and place in bottles, so that others could watch my children.

I know you may right now be against bottle feeding but YOU NEED TO INTRODUCE THE BOTTLE SOONER THAN LATER, or you can end up with no freedom what so ever further down the road. I know how it is with the first and you want to spend all your time with him. But what is something happens, god forbid and someone else needs to watch him or if you get pregnant again and need to go to the store and doctor visits etc. Believe me you can't always schedule your life around their eating and sleeping schedules.

So here are my suggestions, freeze some breast milk and let everyone join the joy of holding the baby and feeding him. your husband included.

Try to schedule specific time in short intervals with your grandparents. This way they know exactly when they will see you and the baby and in short spurts you can make it more frequent less trying on you.

Also explain to them you know they are very exicted about the baby but that you guys are still trying to figure out routines and getting use to the new addition to the family, so to have patience with you wanting to be at home alone with the baby for a while. This shouldn't be too hard for them to understand if they know they have standing play dates with you and or with the baby on their own.

You can start by having them watch the baby at your house for say 30-60 minutes while you run a couple errands. They will be so pleased that you have confidence in them to watch the baby alone. Keep it at comfortable intervals for you say every Wed. & Fri they come by in the morning for 2 hours. One while you are away. Then maybe one in the evening with your husband so the two of you can go out to dinner!

Remember you are only a cell phone call away. Try these suggestions and see if it helps! But communication is the key and also boundaries that you set, not them. Also I strongly suggest the bottle fed breast milk. You will thank me in the long run.

Good Luck

S. (mother of 3 beautiful children all breast and bottle fed, now 15, 12 and 10)

Hi, I am a grandma of 6 boys, the oldest is 12 yrs and the youngest is 4 weeks. The only to handle this is with tact and truth. You will be setting a precident for the future as well. You and your husband sit down and come up with what you can live with regarding the grandparents and Solomon. Can you have them over for 20 minutes, all day, once a month, once a year, once a week, etc. Your house, out, their house, etc. Then sit down with the grandparents and lay the paramiters out for them, they may not like it, but it is after all your life. I believe that grandparents are necessary to children, however, they must adjust to your life, not you adjusting to their life and wants. Hope this helps.

Hi, S.! First, be grateful the new grandparents are so enthusiastic. That's normal. But, second, the challenge for you is to channel their ennthusiasm so it works for you instead of overwhelming you. Your note reminded me of my mom when my first child was born. She lived 13 hours away from us so it wasn't quite as big a problem, but when she would come visit it would be for a week at a time. She is wonderful and did a lot for me while I struggled with a colicky newborn and sleep deprivation, but my mom is also extremely opinionated and wants to do everything her way. I had to find diplomatic ways to stand my ground or she would've been feeding my TWO-WEEK OLD rice cereal (I was also breastfeeding exclusively.) The way I dealt with my well-intentioned but bulldozer of a mom was to put everything on the doctor. When my mom would say, "feed the baby some rice cereal and he'll sleep all night," I'd say, "Mom, the pediatrician said not to give him cereal for another four months." I repeated that over and over but it worked. She would've argued with ME (and probably won) but she was not going to actually disobey the doctor's orders. And if I thought she was going to, I would've said, "Mom, I'm paying a very, very good pediatrician to give me up-to-date medical advice, and he says to do XYZ." So put as much as possible on the doctor (even if the doctor never said anything about it -- your in-laws don't know that! I'm assuming this is your in-laws and not your own parents?) As for giving the baby a bottle, it's a good idea to pump your breast milk and teach the baby to take a bottle. Eventually you will want to be able to leave him with somebody and he will need to be comfortable with the bottle. Your in-laws should not have a problem with this. Again, if they're pushing you to give him FORMULA in a bottle and you don't want him to have the formula, keep saying "the doctor says my breast millk is best and we shouldn't give him formula." (And if your in-laws break this rule and feed him anything you've specifically told them not to, you will have to tell them, "Sorry, I can't allow you to watch him during a feeding time because you didn't follow the pediatrician's orders." This takes a really strong backbone, but remember, you are your baby's parent and advocate and it's more important that your wishes are followed regarding his care than whether or not you upset your in-laws.) As for them wanting to spend time with you and the baby, is there time during the week when it would HELP you to have them watch your son -- so you can meet a friend for coffee, or get your hair cut, or take a long nap? You can diplomatically explain that you'd like to save most of your weekend time for you as a new family but that you would LOVE it if they watched the baby, say, from 3 to 5 p.m. three afternoons per week. This is just an example, but the point is, their love and willingness to spend time with your son is a good thing if you can manage it to your liking. Don't let them steamroll you, just find times that it would be a win-win for them to come over and help. Good luck! ... I forgot to add: My mother to this day has a habit of giving me unsolicited advice, over and over, about childrearing - even though I now have two kids, ages 9 and 6! She does it to my sister-in-law, too, whose kids are much younger. We deal with this by saying something that SOUNDS like we agree with her but is actually completely neutral and noncommital: "Oh. Hey, you make a good point. I'll have to think about that." And then change the subject and ignore any advice you don't agree with. (Assuming she's not about to actually do something with your child that you disagree with, in which case you'll have to put your foot down. But the "good point, I'll think about that" response is great for ongoing nagging that you don't want to deal with. She thinks she's won the argument, you don't have to actually argue with her, you're still in control and she's none the wiser.) Good luck.

You ARE NOT SELFISH!!! And you do not need to give a baby a bottle to bond with them! Hello??? What is up with that comment? Good for baby? Really?

Both of my kids never had a bottle and breastfed past 2years old and STILL bonded with grandparents! WOW! Oh, and they aren't damaged! LOL

You are the Mom. Draw your line in the sand now or you won't be able to fault them for going over it all the time. Make dates with the grandparents and while baby is still young they get the whole package deal (the whole family), not just baby - you can let them have Solomon on their own when YOU are ready!

You are lucky to have grandparents that want to be involved. Let them know you appreciate them but also let them know what you want and don't want. My husband is gone a lot during the week, his parents are only 15 minutes from us and they wouldn't dream of suffocating us on the weekends - they love the grandkids but they have a life of their own.

Best wishes,
M.

Have you considered pumping? If you pump milk this will give them the option to spend some time with them without you. I am confused as to why they don't want to spend time with you and the baby while your husband is at work? Have you considered suggesting this option to them? Just put it simple and it should be ok. If they can't accept it, there isn't much you can do about it. Just let them know that because your husband isn't home often, you would rather spend time at home alone as a family. Maybe make a compromise with them. Suggest that you spend 1 day a week with them without hubby and 1 day a month with them with hubby. If that doesn't work, I am sorry to say, but I don't think you will be able to come to a respectful solution.

Do you know the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Only one is wanted!

Why don't you try the truth. Ration your time with them. Tell them exactly what you stated and tell them before the resentment builds to a blow up, we need to have some nesting time. Give them choices on when you would like them to visit and stick to your guns. Hopefully, your hubby will back you up. I am assuming it's his parents. They won't like it but help them understand that you guys need the "nesting" time and that interfering with your breastfeeding is upsetting to both you and the baby. Afterall, you are doing it for the baby's benefit which has been proven better for baby in many ways if it is at all possible.
Hey, stand up for yourself now or this could be an on going issue for the next 18 years.
Good Luck ~ F.

I agree with Jean M. I also am a gradnmother of 7 at age 44, but understand that these babies are not mine and whatever decisions their parents make is what is going to be. My oldest daughter had identical twin girls and we wnated them to spend the night so bad, but their father stated as plain as day that they could not until they were 1 year old. So that was it, until they were one. Now they come over whenever and there is no stress. You need to tell them upfront how you feel and what decisions you and your husband have made. It's OK, it's your life. Best wishes, Melissa

Hi there...
I've read all the responses and I have a different approach - as a mom who's been there!
I EBF my son until 16 months. He never had formula and we waited until 6 mos for solid food. However, starting at about 3 months (he was sleeping thru the night at 10 weeks) he DID have the occasional overnight with Grandpa.
I got a lot of use out of my breast pump during the first year of his life - I would pump after his first feeding and also pump once more after he went to bed. I ended up with quite an "emergency supply" - my freezer was full of "boobie milk!" When he went to Grandpa's, he was sent with plenty of liquid mommy love! :)
My father, who was beyond thrilled to have a grandson, pushed early on to "give me a little break" and take the baby for a day or so. I fought it, but as I struggled with exhaustion as well as trying to reconnect with my partner after the birth, I began to realize that it might not be the worst idea.
Of course, the first time I handed my baby over, I cried! (Sometimes I still do!) But I used that time to get REAL sleep, be intimate with my son's dad, do a load of laundry and relax. When I got him the next day, I was a better mommy (a rested, less-stressed, more fulfilled mommy is a better mommy!).
We started this early on, and now that my son is 18 months, he sleeps over at Grandpa's about 4-5 nights a month. They are the best of friends (my dad spoils him - they sleep in a tent INSIDE the house!) and adore each other. Plus, my son has learned to trust other family members (he happily visits for 5-6 hours at a time at his other grandparents' house regularly, too), love them, and be Ok when "mommy has to go bye-bye."
This has not hurt the bond he has with me or his dad - he is always thrilled to see us (Silly, but I was worried at first that if I let others do a lot of the "caring" for him, that I would be giving up some of his "love" for me. Not true!).
Remember this - the society we live in is not conducive to childrearing. For the majority of human history, families and extended families (tribes) lived in very close proximity. Sisters breast fed each other's children. Grandparents watched babies while moms made bread. Hokey, but it does "take a village" to raise a good kid. If your child is blessed enough to have grandparents who really want to be a big part of his life, nurture that whenever you can. A child much-loved by many is a happy child - and isn't THAT what's most important?

Hey Stacy, first of all the grandparents are probably old school like me, and are more for bottles than breast feeding, do the grandparents live close by? if so maybe you can set up a twice a month family dinner where they come over or you go ovwer there, I'm not a grandmother yet, I'm praying that soon i will get news that I'm going to be, but theres several woman my age in my church, that are and they tell me it;s like becoming a mom times 10, now you know as a mom, you need to see your baby everyday, if becoming a grandma is 10 times better than becoming a mom, think about how the grandma feels. I undersatand that you and your husband need time together, even more so now that there is a baby, so I think some good planning, good schduling, I think you all can make it work. My mom died 3 years ago, so she will never see great granchildren, no one is with us forever, and also be glad they want to be a part of the babies lives, some dont. J.

looks like you have already gotten a lot of advise.
first congrats on your new baby and enjoy every minute of it.
second i would tell you to set boundries with your in laws. talk to your husband about it and get him to back you up and hopefully set the boundries himself. if you dont do this early they will keep pushing and you will keep resenting it and it will only get worse until it all blows up. believe me i know. i made the mistake of not setting the boundries and then as it got worse my husband ignored it. now i havent really spoken to my mother in law for almost a year and she has only been to the house once when i was home. this is the extreme that nobody wanted. good luck stick your ground and try to be united with your husband on this one. its important to your family!!

yes i know how you feel totally. we live with our inlaws (so you can only imagine how i feel). you just have to be frank with them and say i know you want to spend time with him but im choosing to only breast feed at this time and not use a bottle. my mil still to this day gets mad because i dont ask for help (im a ill do it myself girl lol). but its because my husband is only half involved with our daughter. so i figure at least i can be there and do it all with her. his mom has even went as far as accusing me that i neglect my baby (which is a total lie). maybe what you can do is let them come over for a few hours (in between feedings and let them do it all like change him and such). i know its hard to let them go anywhere when your breast feeding. just keep reminding them that soon he will be able to stay the night. good luck!

I know this seems overwhelming, but try to look at it from there point of view, and be greatful that they want to be involved. Since you only have your hubby for short weekends only plan once a month to have them over for dinner or an outing together. Then invite them to watch the baby while you exercise or go shopping. Your baby should be on some kind of feeding pattern by now so feed before you go then leave them to baby sit while you take a break. This will actually be great for you. You will learn to love this small 2 hour break, think about the things you love to do and can't because you have a little one. Take a bath, read a book, rent a movie, take a nap, clean out a closet, clean the windows. I'm sure you can come up with a list of things you can do in the house or out of the house. I'll bet other mothers will be jealous of this time. If you had date nights before the baby start them again, just keep them in the frame of time you know that your baby can do without food. They will love that you are making an effort to give them this time with their grandchild.
Take some time and think about when is a good time (you know the babies schedule)don't pick a time when baby is taking a nap they want to play with baby. You decide how many times a week this can take place on what day's, then talk to your hubby about his thoughts on this, and talk to the grandparents together. (I don't know if their his parents or yours) but they need to hear it from both of you so that they know that it's a compined decision not yours or his. Let them know that when you are more comfortable leaving the baby and the baby can stand longer times between feedings that you will be willing to leave for longer.
This has nothing to do with trusting them, it's a new mother thing, you have learned to take care of your baby 24-7, and when you leave you are constantly worried that something will happen and you won't be their, or they won't know the little trick that you have learned to deal with this situation. But you will get more comfortable with everytime and learn to love this time away, it makes you a better mom, because we need to be taken care of ourselfs. You can't constantly give if you don't get refilled once in a while.
Let them know that they are being a little over whelming and that you are trying to work this out with them. Honesty is always best, if they can't understand it's not your fault. Good Luck! J.

Hello S.,

As blessed as I am with wonderful in-laws (my mother-in-law is a saint!), sometimes there is a little too much togetherness. They are in a stage of life when their circle of friends and relatives is getting smaller, so naturally they focus more on family. I have grade school children, part-time work, a house to keep, and a million other things to do! My husband works long hours. Sometimes we just need some quiet time for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with that. You and your husband need to set up some boundries and present a united front. Your in-laws have no right to push you to put your baby on a bottle for their convenience, or pressure you to leave the baby with them overnight, or any other thing they come up with. As the mother, you are the one who will make that decision. Do not be intimidated because they are the grandparents, and have already raised children. You are a grown, married woman and the mother of the baby. Even if this is your first child, your instinct and intuition will guide you. Have confidence in your decisions. You know yourself and your baby best. You just gave birth- this is a time to take care of yourself and your baby. As to how to manage them, be polite, honest, and firm. If they insist-put them to work! Maybe you can run errands, take a nap, or get your nails done while they watch the baby. Or, they could run an errand for you on the way over. They could watch the baby while you and your husband go out on a date. It's a win-win solution. Good luck.

P.

18 months-ago I moved into a house one-mile from my mom's house. When we lived 100 miles away my kids did not know their grandmother and hardly spent any time with her. Now that we are so close, she can be overwhelming. My suggestion is to ask the grandparents to join you one night a week for dinner, explaining that you would like the weekends to be spent as bonding time for father and son. If there is a scheduled day for them to be with their grandson they may back off a little. I would also consider pumping and letting grandma and grandpa give Solomon a bottle. If you wait too long he may reject the bottle completely which can be difficult when you need to leave the baby to get your hair cut, etc.

I feel ya- my in-laws are the same way, can't get enough. We have their first and only grandbaby so far, so they are hyperfocused on her- she is 1 y/o now and they are still so enamored of her that anytime we all spend together is focused entirely on her- talking about her, passing her around, arguing over who can hold her next. The poor thing just wants to get on the floor and play. And we see them all the time! I am used to my side of the family, I have 5 siblings and 4 other neices/nephews so the attention is spread around and having the small fries running around is just typical and not so novel anymore. So, yeah, the in-law grandparents' need to be with the baby as much as we will possibly let them is very overwhelming at times and must be managed. I'm here to tell you it's okay to say no when you need to.
But the bottom line is, Grandparents who love and care so much for your child is SUCH a blessing. My older sisters don't have that with their in-laws so we are lucky. I always have to remind myself that through the frustration! Good luck to you, you'll learn to manage it and get used to it (and even appreciate it) I promise!

Ahhh, they are just excited! In time the problem will resolve itself because your child will be older and you will be happy to let them take him for the day. But as far as them trying to force their way of doing things, it is fine to just say, "thank you for your imput and I appreciate your caring, but I know how he is and I need to do it 'this' way." Just be open and honest with them.

I am now a grandparent and just spent the day with my 1 1/2 year old grandson. He is the light of my life! I love him so much, but have always respected my son and his wife's way of raising him. Remember that we do love our grandchildren dearly, more than you possibly know and we are overly protective of them. The most important thing is that your child is loved by many people. So organize your time so that they can spend some time with him as well as have some personal family time to yourselves. It is very important they bond with him too while they are alive and healthy enough to do so.

Again, the older he gets the easier this becomes, and the more you will be calling them to take him. Happy Mother's Day!
B.

I am writing as a grandma. I think you are being selfish. I understand that you feel that your husband doesn't get enough time with the baby, but you still need to work in time for the grandparents. I can tell you that the time your child spends bonding with your son can never be replaced.

As a grandparent, I cherish every minute that I can spend with my beautiful grand daughters, ages 4 and 14. Introducing a bottle now and then so that both your husband and the grandparents can participate in his care is not only good for them but also for your baby.

They probably are not "desperate" as you put it, just wanting to spend some time with their new grandchild. There is nothing wrong with that. You should go out of your way to make time for them, perhaps during the day when your husband is at work so that their visits won't cut into "family" time.

Make time for them - someday it will be worth it.

Loving grandma of 2.

I did not have QUITE that problem when we had DS 3 1/2 years ago, but I do understand the "lovingly overbarring In-Laws" part. My husband was out of the house M-F from 6:00am to 8:30 pm for the firt 33months of our son's life. (Started new job this past September.) And there were weeks that he would work the weekend too or have to pull a 30 hour shift... And he's a computer server tech, so you'd think they would have the nice 9-5, M-F type job! Anyhow- so I also understood how valueable those 48 weekend hours were as well.

I know that you want to cherish the valuable time your hubby has to be with you and your son, but I also think that you will need to give a litle at times. (Not on the breast feeding! It is ubsurd for them to tell you how and when YOUR baby!) I think lettting them have 4-5 hours of your weekend TOGETHER once a month shouldn't feel THAT overwhelming. And- even though it is SUPER hard, once your son can last 4-5 hours without nursing, let your hubby take YOU to a nice movie and dinner, and let Grandma and Grandpa sit for you while you go.

I NEVER believed this part when DS was a baby! I thought "But I'm so much happier having him with us as we go. Why do I need to leave him somewhere?" Well- It did create an incredible bond with him, but it also created a super attached monster! At 12 months I had to have some long tests done at the hospital, so we (finally) allowed my mom to babysit him- He cried until he threw-up when we left. At 14 months I joined a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group, and dropped him off in the nursery- He cried until he threw-up. Every time he would be left, he cried until he threw-up! This went on for about 6 months. To fix the problem, I was FORCED to leave him with others 2-3 times A WEEK! It killed me at that point! I have learned my lesson abundantly and when this baby is born in November (I'm pg again), we will go on a date a month starting by the time the baby is 6 months. Some of those dats will include our older son, but mostly because he will need time alone with us on occasion too.

So I guess my answer is- let them have time to be involved as long as they are giving you guys time as a family of 3 as well. Imagine your thoughts about it 5 years from now: will 5 hours a month have felt like SUCH a sacrafice?

We have a standing date with the in-laws for one night per week. We usually have dinner together at either our or their house. This way, they can't say "But we never see you!"
Maybe this could work for you as well.

I know it's hard, but you have to tell them about certain things...my father in law used to constantly harp on that my son was cold when he was first born...and he wasn't! I would sort of teasingly tell him information that the pediatrician had given me or that I'd read or they told us at the hospital. He kept doing it, but then it got to be a kind of joke between us. I know he still thought my son was cold, but he at least accepted that it was my call. (By the way, my son was born in June!) My mother-in-law used to also want to "walk" him when he was fussy...I had to tell her to please not do that...rock him, sit with him, but don't get him used to the walking...I had no desire to do it at 4p or 3am, so I didn't want her to do it either...

If they don't respect that your the parents, then you'll need a firmer talk, but they need to respect your choices as parents and your time as a family...

Oh! one thing we also did with my in-laws...we told them they could come over one day a week, every weeek and picked Fridays...they also brought us dinner most weeks which made our lives easier and they got to spend time with the baby who had fun with his grandparents...it made it less difficult with spur of the moment things...and gave everyone the time they need.

Hope that helps!
-M

It seems crazy to you that you might want to spend some time away from your precious bundle at some point in the future, but you will. Do you have any appointments, or anything that maybe they could watch the boy for an hour while you have a post-partum OB visit? Or a dental appointment? Start with these, because these are times when it really is easier to not have the baby and you will be back with him in less than 2 hours. Try pumping some of your milk for times like these. At some point, I know you can't picture it now, but maybe you and hubby can go out on a date!!! Sometimes, babysitters are hard to find and it sounds like they would be ideal!

Thank your in-laws for wanting to be so involved, and explain that you might have baby withdrawal if you are away from him. You are not ready yet, but someday you will be!

Oh it's so hard when family love is the overwhelming kind! You know it's all about love, but it can really get out of hand sometimes. Balance and boundaries are key.
Perhaps you could set up a scheduled time for Grandma and Grandpa visits? Like once a month or once a week? Maybe every other Sunday afternoon or something? It's something that they can count on and something that you can sort of control.
Of course DO NOT put your baby on the bottle just so they can spend time with him. No deal! :)
I kind of think that this is something your husband should discuss with them (if any discussion is to be had). Perhaps he can gently remind them that his family needs a little space.
I know they just love you all to pieces, but if they don't give you some space, you may become resentful soon, and that is a yucky place to be.

Best of luck
E.

Hi S.:
I'm hoping that your asking this question , to get an HONEST RESPONSE.It apears that we have some here, that are quite sensitive,or simply,write, in hopes others will solidify their feelings on a subject.Your baby is still very young,so I can understand you wanting some private time as a family right now.However,I wonder,how you and your husband would feel, if Solomons Grandparents had no interest in seeing their Grandson at all? You sound so surprised,that they desperately want to spend time with him.Its quite natural,for Grandparents to want to bond with their Grandchild.If your reasons for depriving your childs Grandparents from spending time with him,are simply for those you mentioned here, you sound like your being a bit h*** o* them.You can't condem them,because they were trying to think of a more convenient way to spend time with the baby. Alot of mothers pump their milk,for bottles,while they are away.Having ice cream at home,would have allowed them intimate time with the baby. Theres something wrong with that? I certainly hope, that you aren't (afraid) your child will build a closeness to his Grandparents) This is of course ultimately, you and your husbands decision,but I can assure you,that as Solomon matures,Not only is he going to be inquiring why he never gets to see his Grandpa and Grandma,but you will also be depriving yourselves of having family to help you both when you need a break away,or a helping hand.The best of luck to you.

Hi S.,
Don't get us all started, lol. I think they just don't realize that couples need their space. My inlaws used to come in every month and expected to be waited on...well it all got to be too much and I became resentful. Long story short we all had a major blow out including me and my husband.

Well, the visit before last, they stayed at the other son's house. I sensed it didn't go well, but wasn't sure what happened.

Apparently, my MIL slept in my 12YO nephews bed and they didn't bother to change the sheets OR clear the bed of his mess. There was no room for my FIL on the bed so he slept on the couch until he couldn't take it no more and crawled in bed with her and the mess. There were no blankets and she got cold but didn't know where anything was. The kitchen was a mess and my MIL didn't want to eat anything there because she was grossed out, etc. Oh, I forgot to mention the ferret who slept in the room with her.

Well, they recently stayed at my house again. They were both very friendly, we ordered take out (making sure it was my FIL's fav), my MIL cleared the table and washed the dishes while I straightened the rest of the house, and when they left, she through the dirty sheets in the wash and I finished them. It was a very pleasant visit and I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Normally, I run around like a mad woman while they sit on the couch. No one gets to visit because I am too busy. And, they leave a mess and when they are gone I am glad.

So, I have no moral to my story, nothing to offer, other than hang in there and try to realize they don't even know they are "in the way". Hopefully some day something will lead them to having a little mercy on you.

C.

I think you need to be honest with them. It may hurt their feelings, but they have to understand that this is now your family, and although they are family too, your main focus now has to be you, your husband and child. You want to have the opportunities and experiences of making decisions that you feel are best for your new family just like they did when they started out with their first child and that you both hope they can understand and support you in this wonderful new journey. After all, they should be in agreement, it's not like you're saying you don't want them involved or ever seeing or spending time with your new son. They just need to wait a little longer to babysit him alone. Good luck!

tough situation....best thing is to be honest,and tell them. First don't let anyone try to talk you out of breast feeding, it's good to pump some milk and have someone to try and give him the bottle. One day you might need a little break and the baby might need to eat during that time.
With the grandparents try working out a schedule we're availabe for you this weekend or this day. The sooner you confront the issue the easier. don't feel bad to say we're going to bond as a family. How ever you and your husband decide to handle it good luck.
T. H

Can you get them on some kind of schedule? Something that fits into yours, but something they can look forward to? That way they know they'll have "their" time with the baby, but they can respect your boundaries too?

I know that this is a mixed blessing, but try to see it as a blessing. You are going to want to be able to tap into Gram & Gramps for help, so you don't want to stifle it now. But they do have to respect that YOU are the mama, and YOURS is this child's family (you, DH & baby), and your family needs family time. Find a compromise.

BTW, whether you breastfeed exclusively is YOUR decision. Don't give the bottle only to satisfy G&G. But just a little aside: we waited until 3 months with DS1 and had a REALLY hard time getting him to take a bottle (and I had to go back to work). We started earlier with DS2 (about as old as your baby) and had no trouble, either with BFing or bottle feeding. You might consider starting with the bottle, just for your own needs. Still, it's up to YOU, not the grandparents.

You'll want to be pumping now anyway, regardless of what you decide, to get a stock in the freezer for un-expected need (or to go back to work if you have to). You might start the freezer stock for when baby is with G&G during "their" time. (Best times to pump are first thing in the a.m., and I had a better let down if I expressed at one breast while DS nursed on the other.)

So much good luck to you!

I've felt that way too when I had my first baby. It was SOOO overwhelming that it actually caused stress symptoms in me. For one, I do NOT like being pushed and forced to do things when it comes to my kids. My MIL and my own family can be to overbearing too. It ruins any sort of "joy" in a first time Mom.

Anyway, just keep up with the breastfeeding and the way that you want to parent. NOTHING is wrong with that. Set up a "schedule" as to when you and Hubby "can" have visitors. And that's that.

*I am adding this: As a 1st time Mom, with breastfeeding, you do not have to use a bottle to feed your baby in the beginning if that is what you want. And you DON'T have to wean your baby before you are ready either, just so others can have your baby visit them. I nursed my firstborn for a LONG time, longer than 1 year and allowed her to "self-wean." I did breastfeeding exclusively with her, no bottles. With my 2nd baby, I did use bottles after a time. It was my choice. You don't have to give baby a bottle just so that you can send your baby to the in-laws/relatives house, or unless you need a babysitter for your baby, or just to take a rest for yourself.Breastfeeding and the length should be up to the Mommy and baby. Also, you don't have to let your baby spend the night(s) at anyones house if you don't want to, or unless this is your way for you and Hubby to have private time. My girl is 5 years old now, and I still do not send her to Aunty's house to spend the night. This is my & Hubby's decision. Maybe when she is older. I understand all about being accommodating of Grandparent's and in-laws wishes to have time with baby TOO....but this is up to the parent. A first time Mom has a LOT to adjust too, and just getting her bearing and "routines" for herself and baby, plus with Hubby as well....and their need to "bond" and enjoy their first baby. It's a life changing event.... with this in mind, I feel it's the Parents who need to come first... make a "schedule" for visits and time with relatives and that's fine. In time... as baby gets older, and when you are comfortable with other phases of the baby growing up, and when you are comfortable...then it can evolve. I really feel for first time Parents who don't get to "define" their own family and baby first, because of overbearing relatives & in-laws who want to control the amount of time that THEY have the baby. Everyone will get to see baby, visit baby, have get togethers.... but it needs to be with respect to the First Time Parents and the baby. You also don't want the baby to be exposed to too many pathogens and germs when they are newborn. An Asian custom, is that you keep a baby out of public for their first 2-3 months of life. This is to reduce their exposure to getting sick, and also to ALLOW the Parents & baby time for them to "nest" and get acquainted and adjust to the baby. But, relatives would make home-made meals for the new Parents, to help the Mother.

IN TIME, Grandparents & in-laws will have all the time to be with baby...but gosh, new Parents should not have to be pressured with "having to" entertain or pass around the newborn at visits. It's too much, too soon. THIS is what takes the "joy" out of being a New Parent. A new Mom needs to take her own time in figuring out everything.

No, you don't have to let your baby stay overnight or for any length of time. Not at all. Usually, a first time Mom is so busy trying to "please" the Grandparents and in-laws, that her OWN needs for parenting gets over-run. But it can set up a precedent. Right from the beginning, when I had my first baby.... I had a "meeting" with my immediate family...and I GENTLY explained my wishes and my Hubby's wishes as "first time parents" as to what "OUR" "rules" are and what we will be doing in regard to our baby etc. and that mainly, we did NOT want "drop-in's" to our home, or phone-calls at all times of the day. This was my method of dealing with the over the top, overbearing family of ours. It DID help immensely... then my family realized I was the baby's mother, not them etc. etc.
It was a method that worked for us.

That's what I did. Sure I wasn't very "popular" in the beginning for doing that....but eventually they got the drift and finally "understood" that they needed to RESPECT me as a Mother and my baby too and my husband's work schedule. We are not a "zoo" family whereby anyone can visit anytime and they can look and poke and prod all they want. NOT that this is their attitude....but this is how I felt we were being treated when the first Grand-baby came. It was so awfully stressful...and I was running around trying to "please" THEM and Grandma... and my own family & baby got just as stressed out. Then, later as baby gets older or after 1 years old....well, then things evolve....reasonably, and in fairness. BUT you need to set some "rules" and lay the groundwork at first....then from there see how it goes.

Take care,
~SUsan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

It sounds like you will have to set some limits with your (your husband's?) parents. Honesty is the best policy in your situation. Maybe you and your husband can decide how often you want to see Grandma and Grandpa. For example, maybe you two will decide that you will see your parents on Sunday afternoons. After you work it out with your husband, then talk to Grandma and Grandpa. If you and your husband are united, then the grandparents can't play you off against him. It's important for you and your husband to be a united front. It is also important to be honest in such a way that everyone will "save face."

It's hard to say no, but you need to consider what is best for your family and your son. There is no need to feel guilty by saying no once in a while when you feel like you need your space. If you suggest an alternative time to visit, that may help some. If Grandma or Grandpa are hurt by your honesty, explain that you want them to be a part of their grandson's life and that you want your son to know his grandparents. When everyone knows what the limits are (e.g. getting together every Sunday afternoon or for dinner on Wednesday), this will give everyone some breathing room plus something for the grandparents to look forward to during the week. It will make your times together more special.

I had the same problem with my mother-in-law. I was not honest about my feelings with her and subsequently felt very guilty and taken advantage of. I would highly recommend a frank discussion and making a schedule for their visits that is comfortable for you and your family. Their actions are motivated by love for you and your family and sometimes they become over-zealous.

My husband's family does the same thing- and our son is also named Solomon. :) The family thing is really the only thing we argue about. I called a couples therapist. The idea is to give my husband conflict resolution skills (he perceives telling his family 'no' as a conflict).I was told this is super common for younger couples married less than 2 years. I was advised it takes some men a little longer to embrace the idea that there family ISN'T there parents, cousins etc but their wife and children first. So it is up to the person with the imposing family to learn new behaviors and present a united front. Contact me anytime if you need to vent and share war stories. I've got some gems .

Please don't say no, I have 8 grandchildren and am so bonded with all but one. It's because her daddy didn't want us around her, she just turned 16 and is very selfish and angry. If we had been able to spend time with her when she was little she may have been a happier person. Keep everyone close, its better for the babies. G.

Oh the wonderful grandparents; they mean so well! I have dealt with similar situtions (they have many times shown up unannounced to see our children -said they were in the area even though they live 30 miles away). We put our foot down early on with our parents/grandparents and let them know they need to call first and get permission! This is "our family" we are starting now - that is why the Bible says you will "leave your parents & cleave to your spouse". I commend you for choosing to breastfeed and that is best for the baby. Don't be pressured into doing otherwise; again this is your family. They may be a little put out at first by you setting some ground rules but I am sure if they want to see their grandchild it will not last long. You and your husband need to be united in this decision; "A house divided against itself will fall". I can tell you from experience (I am the mother of 4 children), if you don't set the rules as a husband/wife team now it will cause a huge strain on your marital relationship. Best of luck and Happy Mother's Day!

There have been a lot of great responses but I need to remind you that someday you will also be a grandparent. I have two boys, 1 year and 3 years old. My in-laws live 6 hours away and my mother-in-law comes at least once every three weeks and stays for a few days. She was here for a week when both babies were born and came back a week later to stay. she loves the boys and I wouldn't trade that for the world. After my second son was born she came to me in tears thanking me for letting her be such a big part of their lives. I told her that I hoped my sons wives would treat me the same way one day and that I thought her relationship with the boys was extremely important. I really do hope that my sons choose a woman that will be welcoming and enjoy having me around. Try to think about what you might like when you are a grandmother. Is it one day a week? Is it one evening every two weeks? You don't have to have him stay the night, just say that you aren't ready for it. Be honest, know what you want and ask them for it specifically. You may feel differently in a few months, I know all of this is new for you right now. Good luck!

Hi S.,

It happened to me also when my son was born, and we just told everyone straigt out what we expected, and what we needed from them. We explained that we needed some time to be a family and get to know each other, after all, you are still trying to "figure each other out". As far as the breast feeding exclusively, why don't you try pumping extra breast milk and then, if you're comfortable, let the grandparents have their sleep over. Again, you have to make it VERY clear up front your exprectations on feeding etc. I fyou have enough room at your house, you could ask the grandparents to come and stay w/ you for the weekend-then that way, they can let you and your husband sleep in, but also, you'll still be there to handle things of you need to.
If you get all of these things open up front, it will spare everyone's feelings the sooner you do it, rather than later.
I hope it all works out for you!
L.

Stick to your guns S.. It's really selfish to want you to put your newborn on a bottle for their convenience. Besides, I would never let my infant out of my sight anyway. You can arrange visits for your family to their house and for them to come to your house. Just nicely and firmly explain that it's a lot of adjustment for your family right now and visits will have to be arranged according to yours and your husband's and baby's well being. Good luck.

Set your boundries now! With love and consideration, of course. Still, be clear with your boundries. I would suggest softly scheduled visits. Wednesday afternoons they come to your house and Sunday afternoons you visit them. Consider the years and years of strain you'll ward off if you get clear with them now. Just think of it as practice for when you'll have to set boundries for your sweet Solomon. Its great they are interested and loving as they will likely be responsive to your confidently expressed need for scheduled visits.

I think our generation (as is usually the case) sees things differently from our parents'. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, we spent what felt like just about every weekend with my grandparents. While I treasure the time we had with them, it also took away from time with just our immediate family -- and also time away from our friends at home as my grandparents lived an hour away from us and we typically went down on Saturday mornings and came home Sunday nights. In retrospect it seems like it was a little chaotic and that we should have had more time just at home, but I know my grandma was stubborn about leaving HER house...so my mom, doing what she thought was right (being the "dutiful" daughter) trekked us an hour away. This was what they considered normal.

Anyway, getting back to the current generation -- I think we tend to want to put our immediate family first and the extended family second (or last). It makes sense to a certain degree and we should definitely consider the needs of our kids and husbands -- and of course ourselves -- first. But please do not underestimate the value of the relationships kids have with their grandparents, be it your parents or your spouse's parents.

They (kids) need to experience the full spectrum of relationships with old and young. They need to learn from their grandparents' life experiences as well. This is something we tend to underestimate and undervalue. So do your best to communicate with your in-laws (hopefully your husband will help) to help them see you value them, but you feel your little family unit needs its time too. Try to work out something so everyone gets their time (I would highly encourage you to leave your child with them so you and your husband can have some time to yourselves, but also plan your own outings with just the three of you.) And then practice biting your tongue because it is the rare grandparent who doesn't have (and feel the need to express) thousands of opinions on how we're raising our children. It may seem like everything we do is wrong in their eyes, but really they are trying to share what they've learned with us. (And believe me, I know it isn't easy to take this advice because I'm still working on it myself, especially since we just moved closer to my mother-in-law and we are now in the process of establishing boundaries too.) Just remember that your in-laws are not just your husband's parents -- they are your child's grandparents as well. Hopefully that will help keep things in perspective, no matter how frustrating it can get for you.

Happy Mother's Day!

My first child was the only grandchild from both my family and my husband's family, and they all lived nearby - so I understand about feeling smothered. I never pumped and I never left her with them until she was 1. I did my best to visit them all often so they could watch her grow up, and I would try to do this during the day so I could still have time with my husband with just our new family, which is so important. I've found that kids are older when they develop their own relationship with their grandparents - babies just want their mom.

Try setting up a schedule give them a couple of options that work for you. Then see. This will give them a sense of security that they can watch your child grow. Also you know when to be ready.

Hi Stacy

I have to say that I commend you for nursing, and sticking to it. I was so happy to hear that our Daughter-in-law was going to nurse.

Are the grandparents your parents or his?

Is this the first Grandson/Grandchild?

We are first time grandparents, we get to spend every other weekend with our son and his family for only a few hours at a time. We never go out to do anything, they just stay here. I would love to go out and do something, but it does not happen.

I as a first time grandparent feel so left out of sharing this experience with my first child. I try not to be a butting in grandmother/mother-in-law. If we want to spend more time with them, we have to go to her parents house {where they now live} and spend a few minutes there. We always feel like we are not welcome there. We are outsiders.

Spend one weekend with the Grandparents, let them help you take care of the baby. You might find that the help you get is what you didn't know you needed.

We as Grandparents want to share this experience, and help in any way that is needed. Don't exclude the grandparents, remember they raised you both, and you both seem to have turned out pretty good.

When we lived near family, we would spend part of Saturday with them and Sunday was OUR day. You could try that, if they still seem to not understand the need for private family time you'll have to talk to them though. As for them telling you to bottle feed, that is your decission and you shouldn't let get to you. After 7 yrs of marriage and 3 kids I've learned that it's better to let some things go in one ear and out the other when it comes to my husbands mom. Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!

Hi S.,
If it's mostly baby time they are wanting, then try to give it to them (=. If you can express enough milk for them to give him a bottle or two of breastmilk so you and your husband can go out on a date, see if that works for you; or leave right after you feed him. This will give you and your husband a chance to look eachother in the eyes without being interrupted for an hour or two (which is wonderful for you both after a new baby).
Or try to hang out with them while your husband is working his long hours. I have come to enjoy my mother in law very much through similiar circumstance. Try to remember that not everyone gets the chance to have their children's grandparents around. Be happy that they want to spend time with him.
Good luck!

sometimes old people will say stuff, just because they don't know what else to say... of course, they want to spend time with the child, but I mean really. 12 weeks, I mean seriously, in some cultures the child does not leave the home for six months. You should stay calm and quiet at home as much as possible and grandma and grandpa should have to do the travelling to your place.... they know better.

You're lucky to have grandparents who want to share so much. My only advice is that if you plan to talk to them, you deal with your parents and let your husband speak to his parents.

Congrats on the baby and good luck.

Oh, and stick to breasfeeding. Don't give in on that!

I'm not in this but I got out of it before it could have become a problem by moving into a nearby state. I am not recommending that but only because I realize that you are probably comfortable living where you are living. If I wasn't in another state I would plan outings with them on a weekly basis since they do want to play an active part which is a good thing. They shouldn't be trying to talk you into anything you aren't comfortable doing because this is your child and your choice as well as your husbands choice. As the mother of a preschooler I know that if you needed a break you would be all over this but clearly you both are enjoying being parents and that's awesome. It might be a good idea to give the grandparents an idea of when you will be planning to switch to the bottle so they can look forward to that time and stop asking you to do it now. Typically it's best to ween at 12 months so you can start cow's milk so that might be a good time to plan for a sleepover. I had the luxary of a child who refused to breastfeed and at about 3 months old he would stay over at my mother's once a week which was great for him in regards to not developing any possibility of future separation anxiety. From your post I can see that this is an equal frustration for both mommy and daddy so I do think it would be a great idea to give the grandparents a planned date to look forward to. I wish you the best.

Hi Stacy,
Now that my kids are 19 & 17 yrs old, the thought of being a gramdma, makes me want to run, on the other hand the proud moment when one of my kids do have a child to which makes me a grand parent, will be the proudest day of my life. Just the fact I lived long enough to see this happen, knowing that life is just to darn short, when you get to be late 60's early 70's .... its when you start to think exactly how much time do we really have left. So do this, time mom & dad you & hubby are very tired, that you could use some help, could they come over and maybe grandma help cook dinner, help fold the baby's clothes, listen for the baby while you & hubby nap. This way they get to spend time with the baby, you get help, they feel like they are being helpful. Plus the feel included. ( oh yea, you can't complain if she doesn't fold the baby's clothes the way you like them ) you have to eat what she cooks ) to keep grandpa busy have him fix something that is broken, if you don't have anything for him to fix, break something .... better yet set the camera out let him take a hundred pictures of his pride and joy !!!

This is what worked for me - I designed a specific day and time they had their own time. At first I'd be with my child until he was old enough to be there with them on his own. Once he was about 1.5 years old he spent one evening a week with them. I dropped him off after work and they took him to day care the following day. You could suggest this type of thing so they have their own time with their grandchild and they can create what they want with that time. My son cherishes his Grandparents Day. I know other friends who do this but some don't let it be over night. I'd guess you could adjust it specifically to your and their needs. For me it was a way I could have more freedom with the rest of our schedule because they knew that they had time with my child specifically each week so they didn't miss him growing up! Good Luck - Peace and blessings.