Grandma Advice

Hi A.
I too am a grandmother at 45 of a soon to be 5 year old. My son became a father at 20. Like the previous person, he felt trapped. We helped out by providing some free time for him and his then girlfriend (mother of the baby) to go out and try to enjoy themselves as kids their age. Their relationship didn't work out but he has still continued to be very involved in his daughter's life. He felt several times like just leaving her alone and never see her again. I would not allow it (if that is possible to do) and explained that he was making a tremendous difference in her life.
I understood him because I too was a young mother. If it had not been for the support of my mother and sisters, it would have been a lot harder. I also understand that as a grandmother, we need to know what our responsibilities start and where they finish. I have my granddaughter every Wednesdays and I love it. When we are together, we will play and do a lot of things together. She has tried to see if I would discipline her for things that were not good and I did. She learned that grandma also can give punishment when it warrants it (time outs are the best for us).

I think at this time, a lot of love and support is probably what is best. If the child was being negleted (which I don't think it is from what I am reading) then you would need to intervene more.

Good luck

C. C.
Life Coach

3 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,

Your daughter is overwhelmed. She needs counselling to help her think straigth. The Community Services Board aor Child and Family Services in the Community where you live charge on a sliding scale fee so she can afford the counselling.

Until your daughter can get adjusted, get a Power of Attorney so you can have the legal authority to act on behalf of your granddaugther. Your daughter will still have custody but you have the power to act on the child's behalf legally.

Go to family mediation with your daughter to see where the root of her problem is. The Community Mediation Center number is ###-###-#### to set up an appointment.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

2 moms found this helpful

being a young mum, myself. i sort of know how she feels except she has it easy, my husband and i are on our own, we dont have family to back us up.

you just have to tell her what she will miss, if she does give the child up, do you have any home videos of your daughter
if so show her them and tell her with the hard work comes rewards.

she will also regrett this dicission in years to come and the child will probably not love her too.
ask her why she is going to school and working, she is a young single mother the state would provide for her if she wanted, why do all that hard work?????
then tell her that going to school and working is the same as raising a child. you put in the effort and you reap the rewards.
you are right not to let her know that you will take all the weight, if you do then you are just enabling her. but do encourage her to do this, if nothing else let her get some counseling on how to deal with things. she needs an outlet.

i do thank you for all your help you are giving your daughter, and in trying to keep your grand child out of the system.

a view as a young mum.

2 moms found this helpful

I was 20 when I had my daughter. Not a planned pregnancy, and I also had always been uninterested in ever having kids. There was a point when I also felt the same way that your daughter does. When my daughter was about 6 months old, I was feeling very overwhelmed, regretful, and really out of my element. I cried for weeks and felt guilty about how I was feeling, fearful that I was just a terrible mom, which made it worse.

Really, the only thing that kept me hanging on and not losing control was the support of my family. My sister and my mother helped me out, and gave me a lot of emotional support when I needed it, without EVER letting me "off the hook". I still changed her, fed her, and took most of the responsibilities for my daughter myself. My mother allowed me one night each week that was a "free" night. I could go out with my friends, stay late, and have fun with people my own age.

I eventually got past that awful hump. My daughter is 14 now, and I have a son as well. I still feel a twinge of guilt for having had those feelings, but in all honesty it was my lack of maturity that was making me feel that way. I needed to grow up quickly, which would not have happened without the love and support of my mom and my sister.

I wish you luck with your situation. It sounds to me like your daughter has a lot on her plate and is feeling overwhelmed. Give her a lot of love and support, but remind her that you have already raised your children.

2 moms found this helpful

If she is telling you she doesn't think she can be a parent as her mom you need to assess does she have it in her to be a good mom right now with continued support and encouragement from you or is it in the child's best interest that she not be the parent. If the latter is the case then it comes down to whether or not you are ready to sign on as the parent for your granddaughter. If you can't then it could be in her best interest for your daughter to look into adoption possibly even by another family member.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, What do you want to do? If you are willing to take the responsibility of raising your granddaughter then make it legal, create agreements to protect the child from unnessary heartbreak in the future. If you dont want to take on the responsibilty help you daughter to be accountable for her decsions. What does she want to do? Is she always going to just give her responsiblities to who ever will take them? No, life teaches us to change our proceedure if we want another outcome. Family counceling is available, sit down and talk about it.

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Hi A.- I'll just say this... don't make it such an easy decision for your daughter to give up her baby. Who said you want to raise another kid as your own? of course you love your daughter and grandbaby so as Tina Turner said, "whats love got to do with it?" You did not go out and have a baby, she did.. now you'll always be there to help and support HER with HER BABY-- but you raising her- I'd say NO, unless that is something you really want to do. Keep reading those romance novels and enjoy your private time; you earned it, you already put in the time for parenting, you did that, now its time for you. God bless

L.

1 mom found this helpful

GOsh I dont know what to say. I am glad to hear that you are supporting her while she works and goes to school by watching her daughter. I was a single mom and was very thankful my parents helped me as well. I guess there is not really much you can do to change her mind. Just keep encouraging her that she can be a mom and work and that you will be here to help her. But at the same time you Do not want to raise the child all on your own. You are the grandma, not the parent. Perhaps she needs some counseling? I hope she does not abandon her child, that would be so sad. GL. I hope someone else has some good advice for you.

1 mom found this helpful

wow, i'm bummed she's just sort of telling you she's thinking of doing this, not asking how YOU feel about it.
i have no advice. just admiration and support.
khairete
S.

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I had to write even though it's not exactly advice I'm giving. I am in a similiar situation with my mom who actually lives with me and my family and is helping with my youngest children. I just wanted to tell you I think you are a blessing in your grand-child's life and your daughter is very fortunate to have such support with her child.
I pray all works out for the benefit of that precious little one :)

1 mom found this helpful

i've never been in this situations but IF you decide to take this child as your own and raise it for her you need to think ahead. get her to at least sign something saying she wont want the baby back. you can always change your mind and let her have her back but at least this way she can't make you. more idealy i'd be going to court to have it made legal. i know you dont want to hurt your daughter but you will be taking on alot and for her, she can at least do this for you.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any experience with this as I have never wanted to give my children to anyone, but maybe ask her how she would have felt if you gave her up. Tell her that she can live her life and include her child. She is very lucky to have you there for her, but she needs to be held responsible for her life and child. Ask her if you two could talk without yelling or judgement. She might feel overwhelmed and just the thought of you trying to talk to her might make her defensive. Try to get her to let you know where her head is. Good luck with everything.

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hi, she is very lucky to have you! Maybe your daughter could use some help organizing her time? if she can fit in some personal things with the care of her daughter, then maybe it would not be so overwhelming. Again, she is lucky to have you and especially your willingness to help. the second thing, if she is seriously considering leaving her daughter, she may need to get some help. she could be suffering from light depression or something.... best of luck, J.

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Hello A.. My advice to you is to tell your daughter that leaving her daughter with you is not an option. Tell her it was her decision/choice to have a child and she needs to accept the responsibilty. I think too many grandparents are being forced to raise their grandkids. You are very nice to help her out, but you both have to think about how her daughter will feel if she leaves her. I had my first child when I was 19. I raise her on my own, with very little help from my parents, got my degree etc. She needs to do the same. You didn't ( I'm assuming) leave her with your mother to raise her, Why does she think she can? Raising children isn't an easy task but it is very rewarding. Children are a blessing she needs to learn that and raise her own child. I also believe that people who leave their kids for someone else to raise continue to have kids that they expect other people to raise, don't start that trend. You have every right to tell her no, you would not be a bad mother or grandmother to do so.

1 mom found this helpful

How old is your daughter??? How old is your granddaughter?? I could not imagine - no matter how rough and difficult it may get - ever wanting to leave my kids. Does she crave her former life?? Does she maybe just need a break?? My brother and his wife are now 24 and 26 - they have 3 kids, son 8, daughter 6 and daughter 2. They had an EXTREMELY rough beginning but somehow have managed to make it through. I would highly recommend counseling for both of you before making a decision like this. Good luck and God bless you all.

K. - sahm of 2 boys, 5 and 2

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In addition to the love and support you're providing to your daughter, you should encourage her to explore getting counseling and/or joining a support group for single mothers her age.

I take it the baby's father and his family aren't in the picture...if your daughter hasn't done so she should pursue getting child support.

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tough love....that's what I recommend. I would tell her that if she wants you to raise her child, then you will legally adopt her, that this isnt' something she can decide today and then just get her daughter back whenever she wants, that's not good for the child. But honestly, if that's the way she feels about her child, the child would be better off with you, and if she doesn't give her child up, you most likely will still be taking up her slack.

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hi,
I do agree that she should get counseling to help. she might be going through post partom dep. this could cause her not to bound with her baby and be over whilmn. no one said it was going to be easy and for some women its even harder.
but i don't agree with you taking on her baby unless there is no other op. i have a family member whoes mother took care of her babies while she was enlisted and every year or 2 she had another child. since she didn't have the responsibility of taking care of them she just kept making them. when she finally got her babies back after having 5 she realized how much work it really is and decided to stop after her 7th. now she has 7 kids and don't know how to handle them. she seems to want to give her kids to her brothers and sisters. the point is if you take care of her baby, how will she learn to be a mother and a woman who makes the right decisions?

This is a tough one.! As parents and grandparents we feel that love will fix things and make them better. However, now and again a situation presents itself where we have to pull out the "big guns" and start practicing "tough love", realizing that time heals a lot of things.