18 answers

Good Friend Lost Her Baby at 38 Wks

I sit here in tears wondering how anyone could possible deal with the pain of losing a child. I am at a complete loss for words. My friend was 38 wks today and went into hospital because the baby was not moving. They did an ultrasound and were unable to find a heart beat. She is in surgery now getting her beautiful baby girl removed.

I am at a lose on how to handle everything. I don't know what to say or do. We have been friends for about 8 yrs now. I have spoken to her husband twice on the phone today. I told him that what ever they need I am there for them anytime of the day. They have two children 7yrs and 2 1/2yrs. They are being watched by the grandparents right now. My friend isn't the type to ask for help but I also don't want to be pushy either.

Waiting to talk to her husband after surgery to see if she wants visitors.

Has anyone been through this type a experience? What did your friends do to help you out? There is a group of about 7 that all have been friends for several years that are willing to come together and do whatever is nessary to help her and her family through this terrible experience.

Thank you
Tina

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Let her be. Do not be Wonder Woman to the rescue, as she may need that, but not necessarily from you. She will go through a multitude of emotions and you cannot read them, nor help her through them. She will tell you what she needs, should she need it from you. This is a very private time between husband and wife and whomever she would like to let in. Communicate through her husband, do not overstep or be pushy as you say, with her. Regardless of how close you all are, this may be something very private, so handle with much care. Good Luck.

12 moms found this helpful

Follow their lead. The hard part, IMO, is later. When people go home. When the due date passes. When the first anniversary comes up, etc. Just be her friend, talk to her, and be supportive.

6 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I lost my Alexis at 22 weeks. The pain is crushing. The best thing you can do is let her lead. Tell her you are there for her - ANYTIME (and mean it). EVERYONE handles loss differently...

she may be sad, angry, laugh uncontrollably one moment and break down in tears the next.

Since she was so close to delivery, they may opt to have a burial. If they do. Support her.

What did people do for me? They let me be - they let me cry, laugh and be angry. I was VERY angry....it's part of the grieving process and everyone processes and grieves differently...they made dinners for us...they brought over things that went into our freezer and was easy to heat up....

I DID NOT WANT flowers...they just die. That's just another thing dead and another reminder of my loss.

I will tell you the pain NEVER goes away. EVER. You learn to deal with it. Baby steps. We had a autopsy done because we were far enough along...it gave us answers. But I was STILL angry. As I type this - I am crying. All the pain is brought up again...and that will happen. You can't stop it.

JUST BE THERE FOR HER...I will say a prayer for and her family...

God Bless

14 moms found this helpful

Let her be. Do not be Wonder Woman to the rescue, as she may need that, but not necessarily from you. She will go through a multitude of emotions and you cannot read them, nor help her through them. She will tell you what she needs, should she need it from you. This is a very private time between husband and wife and whomever she would like to let in. Communicate through her husband, do not overstep or be pushy as you say, with her. Regardless of how close you all are, this may be something very private, so handle with much care. Good Luck.

12 moms found this helpful

Between you and your friends, you should be able to arrange meals so the family doesn't have to cook for a few weeks while she recovers physically.

10 moms found this helpful

I think the best things to do in this situation is to be there and let her talk as she wishes. Bring over food, take the kids, ect. Do not say, "What can I do". Say, "I would like to take the kids to the park this afternoon, does that work for you?". Same with "I am going to make lasagna this week, can I bring over some for you guys"? I have never lost a child but I can tell you that if I did, I would be devestated. The last thing I would want is some crappy keepsake or some stuffed animal for my dead baby. What I would need is time and maybe when I am feeling a little better, a lunch date.

10 moms found this helpful

Follow their lead. The hard part, IMO, is later. When people go home. When the due date passes. When the first anniversary comes up, etc. Just be her friend, talk to her, and be supportive.

6 moms found this helpful

My son died when he was 17 days old. The last thing I felt like doing was cooking. Luckily we were able to afford to go out to dinner every night (for about 1 year) but gift cards to restaurants would have been very much appreciated. I also really appreciated getting "Thinking of you"cards after the sympathy cards stopped coming. The best thing of all however was something I bought for myself and have since bought for many others when they experience a death. Buy them a book on stillbirths, miscarriages and early infant death. Although it is heartbreaking to read others stories it made me feel less alone. Give her a gift receipt though.

6 moms found this helpful

I had a friend that lost her baby the day she was born after complications during delivery. I was 3 states away so there wasn't a whole lot I could physically do since I wasn't there. Thankfuly she has a lot of family around.
Best thing you can do is wait until they are ready to talk. You've done the first step that you can. You've offered your condolences and offered any help they may want from you.
Offering to help get her cleaning done, make meals to bring over, offer to baby sit if they want the other children to have a break from the house.
You may need to phrase your offers more direct. Like specifically ask if they would like you to come over and help with their laundry. Asking a blanket "can I help with anything" may be met with them saying no because they are so overwhelmed that they can't think of anything, even if they need it.
You can get a gift like a pendant with the baby's birth stone or something else personal for the family and mother to keep.
This is the website my friend started, as well as the charity group she started. It has some great things written about infant loss if you want to look at it http://rememberingrowan.blogspot.com/
So sorry for her loss. It is always heartbreaking.

6 moms found this helpful

Be there for her emotionally and follow her cues on what to talk about and what to avoid. Don't say you understand or I am sorry for your loss. It hurts more when someone doesnt' acknowledge that this was your baby and their existence. Also be very careful about what you say---Look at the do's and don'ts of infant loss. You will find good resources there to help you. Definitely love on her and her family. Offer to take her kids for a few hours to go play while she rests or spends alone time with her husband. Be prepared for unexpected outbursts of strong emotion or a big variance.

The best way you can help her is :

Tell her you love her.
You are so sorry her baby passed away(if you know the name, you can say it)
You are there to listen or do anything they need.
Follow through with it. If she doesn't want help now or doesn't know what would be helpful, offer to do laundry, make meals for the family, be there physically to support her and listen. I would encourage the other friends to get a meal system going for the family--also housework and help with the children. Mealtrain.com is a good free resource to arrange help for meals.

I am so sorry your friend's baby passed. I have an angel baby and I understand what heartwrenching pain she is in. The pain never goes away, you just learn to cope with it.

4 moms found this helpful

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