GOING OUT OF MY MIND WITH 12 Yr Old Son!!

I don't have a 12 year old so I've never been through this first hand - but it sounds pretty normal to me (unfortunately!). There's a great discussion of consequences vs. punishment in the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (it's a great, easy read if you haven't read it already) by Faber/Mazlish. I think it's probably pretty hard to find a way to make a 12 year old boy care about cleaning his room but if there's a way to help you connect with him so that he's not making you crazy, I would imagine that will help you through the next 6 years of him being a teen! Good luck. Can't wait til I get there myself :)

Don't give him privileges. If he likes to go rides skateboards with his friends, he doesn't get to do it unless he cleans his room every Saturday and approved by you. If he likes to go to the movies with friends on Saturday, he doesn't get to go that week unless he (enter in chore here) every evening that week. Taking a particular toy away doesn't seem to work...he will just play with the other toy or go play outside. Don't yell, don't plead, just tell him how it is and stick to your guns no matter how painful he makes it. If the chore was supposed to be done on Friday and he does it on Saturday...too bad. He will get it right next week. Guaranteed! Good luck.

I would recommend letting this info. to your child doctor so he could evaluate and advise you with also a good book on child care you also should be getting advise from others on this MAMASOURCE url We are sure you will have a happy conclusion >>.best wishes from Bob&Iona

I have a 12 year old son too. He's the same way.
I focus on changing how he feels about himself, our family and the community. The best days with him are when I pull him out of his self absorption and expose him to real life.
When we take him to volunteer at feeding centers or homeless shelters he appreciates all his blessing more. He sees kids there his age and it humbles him to the core. I also have him help me pay bills. He stuffs the envelopes and stamps them.
I act as if I really need his help in deciding what gets paid and how much too. It helps him understand why he can or can't have something & why. He leaves the budget meeting deep in thought. These activites affect his motivation for only a day or two but that's better than nothing .
In the long run I hope these lessons he'll be a more compassionate & understanding adult.It's a war raising kids. Not a single battle. Prayer, perseverance and commitment are your only weapons & keys to eventual success.

First of all why are you not checking on him for 2 hours? It seems to me that if this is his pattern you would check for progress sooner than 2 hrs. Please begin there, you may need to check every 10 or 15 minutes (this time can increase as he progesses). Once he sees you are on top of it and he can't sit for 2 hours and play, he will be too. Tell him that if he has any questions about certain items to make a special pile and when you come back to check his progress you will answer any questions. Also provide him with a large trash bag and anything that is broken or trash can be placed there. During your check in times congradulate him on what he has got done and remind him about certain areas he might forget like pulling the trash out from under the bed or dresser.

If the room is that bad divide it in half for him and allow him to clean on half one day and the other half the other. Then he would feel so bogged down by cleaning. Most of us can't clean a truly messy house in one day either.

Take away the skeate board and dirtbike, video games, etc.

And remind him that he as a brother looking up to him and if wants his brother to treat his stuff with respect he must too.

D.
Mother of 2 girls

Does he get allowance? Money talks, especially to 12 year olds. He is pre-teen so this is just the beginning of very difficult times.

I can suggest giving him an allowance, and making him pay you for chores that he does not complete. I do it with my kids and it works because they do not want to part with their money.

Post a chore list somewhere for him to refer to so that he is aware of his daily responsibilities and give him a time that it has to be completed by. This way he can make his own schedule and you don't have to bug him all of the time.

If his chores are not done on time, he will have to give some of his allowance back to you.

Make sure that you have plenty of change on hand. Stay firm, and make sure that you charge accordingly. You will have to sit done and figure out prices. Make it hurt his wallet. It may take a few weeks for him to realize that you are serious. Try to peak his interest in saving up for something that he wants.

I hope that this helps.

D.

Dear A. M

Anthony is at a critical stage in a boy's life. Those signs are because he is desperately wanting his dad. He is naturally a quiet person, and this is his way of trying to get what he needs in his life. As boys enter adolescence they need their father's to be there, role modeling, supporting him. His acting out is much better than what he can try if this doesn't work. At all costs, you must change your family dynamics in a way that allows dad to work much MUCH less.
As mother, and woman of your home, you are the healer and facilitator of seeing to it that your family gets what it needs. Right now, there is nothing you can personally do to meet your oldest boy's needs, except arrange for your husband to spend a lot more time with Anthony.
This is CRUCIAL. Do not allow husbands or anyone else to tell you that "well my husband has to work those long hours, so my sons just have to get used to it, and they'll be fine." It isn't true. As MOTHER, you should create the opportunity to give your son what he needs: A dad that is home more to spend time. Be creative, come up with ways, and be strong in envisioning this for Anthony and for your sweet husband. You will be rewarded with so much love from these men for your visioning.
Think of all the options to make this possible even if it requires you to move into a smaller home,or you put in some longer work hours to balance the change in income. Money comes and goes. It will always be like that. But Anthony will only go through this stage once. He needs his father.

Much courage!
C.

Hi A.,

Sounds like you have your hands full!

Anyway, I found with my children that when it comes to chores and little jobs around the house, things seem to get done faster and with less complaining, when there is a small insentive for the kids.
It does'nt have to be anything big, but maybe an extra trip to the skate park that week, or an extra hour with the friends, etc.
Sometimes kids respond better to a more positive approach than to something that seems to be a punishment.
I works for me.

One more thing, Anthony is at the age where he might be trying to find out a little more about who he is and may need someone to talk to. Maybe dad can spend some one on one time with him for a few hours on a day off, Anthony might really appreciate that. It sounds like he might be looking for some attention, not riding for competition anymore and having a younger brother who is might be a sign.

Well good luck to you and and both boys! Good Luck to Josh in his race too!

Yes, it's hard when the child pushes the limits with the Mom, but will obey the father more, but the father isn't available for reinforcement. Tough love. Maybe you have to really put your heels to the ground and not give in. Use more stringent repercussions... and your Husband HAS to be a part of it. Take away privileges which he 'values.' Every child has something they value whether it be an activity or an object, or an entertainment activity or even outings with friends or the telephone. Is there some reason 'why' he is suddenly not caring about doing what he is told? Any other behavioral changes other than the apparent 'laziness?' Sometimes.. with boys, having a Father figure around strengthens their sense of responsibility and identity. It's hard when our husbands have long hours at work.... but then we as Moms are left with all the 'dirty work' of dealing with the muck and child rearing issues. It's hard. Explain to your Husband that taking away his favorite things does NOT work. Maybe your Husband has to sit him down and have a real 'to the point' talk with him.... or your boy may think he only has 'mom' to deal with. It has to be two fold... you AND Hubby dealing with your boy. Then your boy will know he has another parent to answer to. At this age, pre-teen, it's hard. But you want to maintain some kind of 'seniority' with him... so your boy knows who he has to answer to, and not get into more bad habits. Maybe too, you can have a real heart-to-heart talk with him..... and see what's going on....and explain to him that it's a 2-way street. If he wants things, he has to obey his parents, and if he wants 'happy' parents he has to learn to help and be a PART of the family. Kids have to realize how THEIR actions affect their parents too... the world does NOT just revolve around them. But, Kids this age need to know they always have access to their parents to talk about whatever they need to, good or bad....so they learn that they can 'rely' on their Parents instead of other kids (and more likely get into trouble). Kids this age go through so many moods and phases and rebellion. Still, discipline has to abound. 'Grounding' has always worked for decades. Is he just lazier because it's summer time and he's bored? Whatever the reason, maybe you can find out? But every kid has a 'price'...meaning there is always SOMETHING that will click with them and make them more cooperative. You need to do some creative thinking... and make sure he 'earns' his privileges.