Going Back to Work - Do People Really Do This?

Pre-kids I had a nice life: working at a great career (not just a job), world wide travel for business and pleasure, lots of time & money for my hobbies and outdoor activities, married to a great guy. Post-kids, I stayed at home with them while my husband kept working. Our salary was cut by 2/3s since I earned the larger paycheck, we/I no longer traveled and I literally spent most of the day at home with DD fantasizing about going back to work. Sure I joined groups to get me out of the house, did classes and storytimes, etc and did not regret my decision to so the most selfless thing by making my decision to stay home all about my kids.

However, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I wished I could go back to work for the financial, emotional and professional rewards it has to offer.

Why am I telling you this? Because life is always greener. Always. You need to find your happiness where you can and make the most of what you have. Change what you can and move on. GL finding you place as a mom and growing comfortable with your decisions. Its a tough transition no matter which road you take.

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S., why not look into a job that you can do from home? Grandma can still come for a couple of hours to help out. What about doing daycare in your home, answering phones, data entry? Look into doing anything that you can earn an income from home. Maybe you won't bring in as much, but you would save on gas, meals, clothing etc. It's a least worth a try!

I have a 19 mo old baby and one due in Feb. I had to go back to work after 6 weeks the first time because I'm the primary income source for our family. It was very difficult, especially at first. I was actually able to continue breastfeeding in the evenings until he was 9 months old (I pumped during the day). It will get easier as time goes by. I felt very guilty at first and like I was somehow a bad mom, but that's not the case. We all have to do our part to support our families. I'm fortunate to have a daycare that I trust, so I don't worry about my son during the day anymore. You're fortunate to have a grandmother to take care of your child while you're working. That's great for her and your baby! Hang in there!!

S.,
It sounds like you two had discussed this and planned for this baby and for your work arrangements long beforehand and now hubby seems to be changing his mind about it. This is extremely unfair on his part in my view. I would be furious with his behavior. You are the one that is getting up at all hours of the night to feed your baby and taking time all through the day to pump and take care of her needs. I don't think you are suffering from PPD, I think you are suffering from SHS (selfish husband syndrome) and he should have a come to Jesus meeting about this. Sorry if I sound too indignant about this, but it isn't as if you just decided this a week ago....he had likely months and months (at least 9 months anyway) to voice these objections. And he certainly can get up at 2am to feed his daughter just as well as you can :-)
I would stand firm on this decision and see if he realizes how selfish he is being, it is proven that children do better with one parent at home.....and part time will work for that too. Good luck on this, I hope he sees the error of his ways!!
D.

congratulations on your new baby and your desire to breastfeed exclusively. sad that your husband is so unsupportive. la leche league is a great place for breastfeeding support and information with regards to pumping, laws about being able to pump at work, etc. and also a great place for support when you don't feel you have it at home. dad's play such an important role in baby's life, without being responsible for feeding and holding. baths, diaper changes and bedtime can all be dad time. if you were able to be home, he could have more time with baby (and you) in the evenings. it may be worth it to sit down and look at the finances, i suppose if you're getting free child care, there isn't as much pro/con to go over, with regards to the cost of childcare v. your income. Sometimes dad has some needs that aren't being met because he feels replaced by baby in your life and your eyes. is this the case? it may sound childish, but it's a valid need that men need to know they are loved, cherished, important and don't question the way he does things with baby. i hope that you can find some peace and some balance with your husband without giving up breastfeeding, money or sacrificing your relationship. good luck and congratulations again. llli.org will lead you to local la leche league leaders and meetings.

Oh, how I feel for you! I was in the opposite situation...before my daughter was born I planned on returning to work full time. I enjoyed working and I was fortunate enough to only work 4 days a week. Piece of cake right? Ha. Well, I managed to talk my husband and my boss into a longer maternity leave...16 weeks instead of 12 and then ended up going back part time. I thought about not going back at all...I know this may not be possible for you but the one thing I do know is this: it is so so so hard at first but as your little one gets older and you all adjust to a new schedule, it will get easier. Just remember you are so lucky to have a loving grandma to leave baby with and even though you may have to work alittle more than you want right now, I believe it makes you a better mom to have your own life outside of babyworld (a good job that you enjoy helps too). Hang in there. And as for your husband, he will not get it until that little one starts saying "Dada" and needing him. Men do not understand infants and the mother instinct. It is so strong it makes you want to cry sometimes and that is okay. In time your husband may feel somewhat how you feel now but he is also dealing with alot too. They feel very left out when the whole world revolves around baby. Just try to enjoy the time you have together as a family. You are obviously an awsome mom already! We all need to hear that from time to time...

First of all, you and your husband are going through one of the most difficult changes of your lives. Becoming a parent and sorting out the new roles you each play can be challenging to say the least. This may be a good time to examine what your long term goals and dreams are for your family, yourselves and each other. Now that the baby is here your priorities may have changed, and owning a home quickly or having lots of electronic gadgets and services may not be as high a priority as caring for your child. The financial goals can be adjusted in most cases to make it possible for a mother to be the nurturer her children need. There are also ways to earn an income while staying at home with your you child, which may be worth checking out. Just don't get sucked into anything that requires you to "invest" to get started.

Your husband has a big load of care on his shoulders knowing that he has made a commitment to care for, and provide for, you and your baby. You can help him by thanking him, and meeting his needs at home. Keep his stress level down so he can focus on providing for you and show him you appreciate it. Whatever you do, don't nag him!! Smile , express appreciation, care for him and genuinely love him.

Remember, now that you are parents every decision you make needs to be based on how you and your husband can best raise your child to become a healthy, responsible, loving, intelligent, productive, thinking, faithful adult. Everything you do everyday will be determining who your child will be when they become an adult. How you and your husband interact will, to a great extent, impact how your child will interact with their future spouse. So, take it slow and gentle. No yelling, sobbing, or slamming doors. Keep it civil and honorable, and be honest with each other. It may take some work, and it will certainly take sacrifice, but an answer you can both live with is out there.

If he thinks that you need to work full time just because he does, then he needs to equally share baby and housekeeping responsibilities to make it truly fair. That means equal cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, toilet scrubbing, diaper changing, getting up with the baby in the middle of the night, and breastfeeding. Have him use the breast pump on himself so he knows how it feels.
Sorry, I had one of those myself and got rid of him. I now have 2 babies, work full time, and have a real man that once we get married wants me to stay at home with our kids.
I'm not by any means saying you should leave your husband, and I'm not currently in a situation to stay at home with my kids either, but men are incredibly ignorant of the work involved in taking care of a family. And it's unnatural for a woman to have to leave her little ones in the care of another to go to work to provide for her family. That's the mans job.

Hi S.,
I know that this is one of the hardest things that you will have to do as a Mommy. We always planned on my returning to work full time, but it still was very difficult for me the first few weeks. At least you are leaving your baby with a loving Grandmother instead of at day care (although my daughter likes playing with the other kids at day care and I am now happy that she gets to go). You hubby is being insensitive in how he is presenting his arguement, but he probably feels the same way and is maybe feeling a little guilty about you needing to work full time. Give it a couple months - - if you can pump at work you can continue to breastfeed even if Grandma has to give a bottle during the day , so baby will still get all the goodness from being breastfed. Good luck and don't despair yet!

I read all the responses and I have to say there is a lot of varied opinions.
I had my 5th son in March and he was a huge but well loved surprise. My other sons are quite a bit older. While we were pregnant we paid off all our credit cards and any other bills that we could. I worked for a few weeks after when he was about 6 months old and I am now able to stay home and take care of my son and my husband and house. Of course my husband is jealous that I get to stay home but we are doing what is best for our family. As our son gets older I may get a part time job while he is in school but we will decide that when the time comes. We cut down on our cable, cell phones, I only drive when absolutely necessary otherwise I walk. For christmas this year we put money into a christmas fund and kept strictly to that amount. We did a lot more home made gifts and cards. We use coupons or we buy generic or store brands. There are so many ways to cut down on expenses. I breast feed Hunter to save on food expenses and because I love the one on one time with my son. He is very close to me. My mother in law watched my son once a week so I could get some alone time when I needed it. Unfortunetly she passed away shortly before Thanksgiving and my family lives about 10 hours away. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you really want to stay home with your baby you are going to have to make sacrifices in other areas. you just need to decide along with your husband what your a willing to give up.

S.,

I feel for you. I really do. It is tough to go back to work. However, I am completely DISGUSTED by the women on here that are bashing your husband. He is in a very difficult position, as are you. He may be feeling neglected by you and lacking the "daddy-baby" time that he is craving and needing.

I had to go back to work, and still do work full time, after the birth of both of my children. I was blessed to find an in-home daycare for my children and she is now known as "Grandma Shel." I do wish that I could have stayed at home with my children, but financially, this was not possible.

It is all about balance. Does you job allow you to work from home? My dear firend and co-worker works from home 2 days a week and she is exclusively breastfeeding. Does you job allow you to leave on your lunch hour to go nurse? Both myself and my friend did this while nursing.

Please, do not be resentful of your husband. He sees the bond you have with you daughter and he craves that connection with her also. Can he help you with the nightly feedings? My husband took the feedings on Monday, Wendsday, Friday, and Saturday nights (to accomdate his work schedule). He loved it. He did this with both our daughter and son.

I am sensing a level of selfishness here in both of you. He has the need to not only be the provider but also part of the caregiver dynamic. I feel that you may be making an unreasonable deman on him with the comment "he should be a daddy and work to take care of us."

A friend of mine(my Titus 2 older woman) introduced me to Proverbs 31 when the guilt of my working full time threatened to swallow me whole. It has helped me keep things in prospective a realize, this example of a good woman was also a working woman that helped provide for her household. She also supported her huband. I read someone suggesting the logic approach, and that was a very good idea. Women are emotional creatures and men are logical creatures. Two halves to one whole. You are expecting him to have the level of emotional sympathy that women posses, adn he is a man. It's not that he isn't sympathetic, it is that he is ruled by his logical side.

I feel that you are being a little bit unreasonable with him. However, he is being just as stubborn. It sounds like he is lost aht he can not fix the situation and make you happy. He is feeling like he is failing you. Are you feeding that feeling? I suggest financial and mrital counselingas you go through this change. My husband and I found that through our neighbors and the Bible study group I attend. I will keep you both in my prayers and wish you the best of luck.

It is your husband's role to provide for his family. It is your role to take care of the children. I really feel sorry for you, but keep going. Some people do go to work and just hide their feelings of regret. You are being so honest with yourself, and with your husband. That baby is your responsibility and just you being there is so important in his/her life.

God created the woman and the man to have equal separate roles. Women are the mothers and should generally stay home with the children. It is fine to help out when it is needed, but if you can cut back your finances then this is the ideal solution. Do the math and show your husband what money you could save by staying home (giving up a car, whatever it takes). Show him you are able to sacrifice, and then ask him (kindly) to sacrifice with you. Outline the details of how much you will save on gas by using a stroller, car insurance, car payments, plus the money made by selling another vehicle.

This is just one idea, it's up to you what you will do.

It sounds like a rough situation! With my first, I had to go back to work full time because my husband was still in school. It was hard, and I missed seeing my baby very much. Sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done to support your family. What made it easier was that my husband and I sat down together and had a very long and open discussion about what our roles were as husband and wife, father and mother. No judging, no yelling, just REALLY listening to each other. We both had some differing opinions on what our roles should be because we grew up in different homes. It is possible that he feels bad that you do have to work, and you complaining about it only makes that worse, which leads to an argument. Try to be understanding of him, and he will be more understanding of you. You will only make it through this hard time together if you work together. Good luck, I know this is a hard situation.

Wow! It sounds to me like there is a lot more going on than is showing up on the surface. Your husband seems to be resentful about something and I bet the work situation isn't really it. Ask him what is really bothering him and look into marriage counseling. Your husband's comments taken as a whole indicate that there is a much bigger problem than is readily appearent.

Our society, culture and economy has really set us new moms up for a rough time. I too work ALL the time, and would much prefer it if I could be a stay at home mom for my now 9 month old daughter. But, that's not the case! I struggle with it constantly.
But what I can say is this - you aren't alone for wanting to be with your little one! Hang in there with the pumping, its really hard, but SO worth it for you baby. Also, its great that your mom will watch her/him instead of having to put her in childcare!
Its much harder on moms, there is a phsycial and emotional attachment that guys just don't get right away.
It would be nice if your husband was more understanding of what you are going through! But my advice would be to find some nice new mom friends to talk with, they understand and relate so much more!
Your little one will become more independant after a few months. Its hard, but it WILL get easier after a little while.

hmmm well I am sorry you married an insensitive man. Sounds like he is being pretty selfish. It does not benefit your daughter to be raised by people other than her parents. It seems ridicoulous to me he doesn't get to spend time with her so you don't either. I guess chivalry really is dead. You are not out of line. I think if you can approach him with a budget and tell him that is the way it is going to be perhaps he will listen.

I am a stay at home mom of three under 6. My hubby works 10-12 hours a day, to support us.

I completely agree with Trudi. Being a working mom is a very difficult thing to handle and manage. And despite what some of said, this is not a case of "you married the wrong man!" There are situations that require mothers to work and if you and your husband need the financies, you make it work for the meantime! It isn't easy and it certainly doesn't mean that you love your child any less by sending them to grandma's or daycare. It also certainly doesn't mean that your husband is any less of a good husband and father. He too is adjusting as you are with a new baby. A good date with him and a heart-to-heart talk is what is needed. Is there any way to adjust your budget for awhile so that you can go to part time?
Good luck and hang in there!

S.,
you are not crazy. Being a working mother is one of the most difficult tasks you will ever undertake. I have been a working mother for almost 3 years. It does get easier. Although there are always days that are particularly difficult. Like the other day when my 2 1/2 called crying for me to come home. When it gets like that, I take a few personal days and spend some extra time with my kids. Another thing is breastfeeding is awesome, you are leaving a part of yourself with your little one all day! Sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through the day, is thinking of my little man enjoying his bottle with mommy juice. You are very fortunate that grandma can watch baby, and that you don't have to drop your little one at a center. Treasure the moments you have with your little one, and who knows maybe your finances will change in the future and allow more time with your little one. Until then just hang in there, the separation anxiety will get better. Enjoy your adult time at work, and remember that you are helping to provide for your child.

Get out of that relationship NOW! It will only get worse. If this jerk does not understand how important it is for you to be available to your nursing baby as the primary caregiver, he will not be understanding about much of anything. You are better off cutting your losses now and moving on. Your child will be better off not growing up in the same household as him.

You'd probably really appreciate the book "Nursing Mother, Working Mother," available cheap online or to borrow for free from your local La Leche League group. You can find a number for your Denver area group at www.llli.org. LLL services are all free, and they may be able to help you strategize baby care so you don't feel like you're going completely crazy.
Look for ways your husband can be involved in the funner aspects of baby care--maybe baths or choosing cute outfits for her? Have you considered co-sleeping so you can get more rest nursing often through the night while she's so young and also so you both can get some extra snuggle time with her? LLL publishes guidelines about how to safely share sleep with a baby. I'm sure you could find it online, or from your local LLL Leader.
Be careful not to create too much resentment. . . sounds like everyone is tired and feeling put-upon.
Hang in there!

First of all, your desire to do what is best for your baby(breastfeeding, caring for, and loving her) are perfect and wonderful. You are right to feel this way. You are the ONLY one who can be what you are in your child's life and it is good that you want to fulfill that role. As far as your husband is concerned, my first reaction would lead me to tell him he's being a self-centered jerk and he needs to quit his whining, be a man, and give his child what's best (namely, you). However, if I try to see where he's coming from and give him the benefit of the doubt, it seems like he's feeling some guilt about your having to work, too. It sounds like he's being over dramatic ("nothing will make you happy!") and using juvenile logic (it's not fair if he has to work full time, but you don't) to make him seem like the victim of the situation. His apparent need for your sympathy tells me that either he's a complete narcissistic waste of time (which I hope is not the case) or that he's trying to assuage his guilt by taking the "blame" off of him. Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Try to use "I" statements (where you say "I feel... when..." instead of saying "You do...") and listening to him as well. If staying with baby matters to you, it will matter to him, too. Work together to find a solution. And give him a hug, he probably needs it just as much as you do :) Good luck!

S., there's a lot of responses so I didn't read them all, sorry if I'm repeating.

A lot of people do go back to work full time after baby comes. Some are very career minded, others feel like it's financially necessary. But if you want to be home more with your baby, you can probably find a way to make it work. Look at your budget. Very closely. Is there anything you can cut back on (maybe spend less eating out, or look in thrift shops for clothes - you can get cute stuff there) Look at the expenses you incur by working full time - babysitting (even if grandma is doing it now, she may not always, and not for free always), gasoline and car insurance (it's based on average milage), clothes appropriate for your work, meals at work, etc. Are you really making that much more to make it worth working full time? After you've looked at all of this, sit down with your hubby and go over it. Show him how it can work for you to go part time.

It will also be better for you and your baby if you can work only part time. She needs her mommy - I really believe that kids who have a mom at home for the first few years are better adjusted in general. And it will be less stressful for you. Instead of having to work 40 hours away from home then come home to clean and cook and all of that stuff, you can do take care of the house, and spend more time with your daughter (so you're more willing to 'give her up' for daddy time in the evening - since she needs that too) and not be so stressed. And, you'll be asking him to do less around the house. (If he doesn't do much yet, tell him that if he wants you to work full time simply because he has to, then he must do just as much laundry, dishes, diapers, dusting, vacuuming, folding, wiping, etc as you do!)

If he wants to know what it will take to make you happy, say "I am happy, no matter what, because I have you and our daughter" (and act like it till you feel it) Then tell him that you are just trying to do what is best for your family. Do make the decision, for yourself, that you are going to be happy, and then pretend to be happy until you really feel happy. Start a gratitude journal to list things you are grateful for and write one thing each night. Don't allow negative things into your speech. And if you are worried that you might have a touch of post-partum depression, go ahead and call your doctor (your OB/GYN should be able to help).

I also have a great resource for at-home work that can suplement your income and give you flexibility to be with your daughter. Contact me for more info - I'd love to help you out (just click on my name).

He's being completely unreasonable. BUT NOW IS THE TIME FOR SWEET TALKING AND FLATTERING HIM (in a sincere way).

Tell him you promise to not complain any more (and keep your promise!!) if you quit your job. You will do all childcare and household stuff and will economize however you can, cut back wherever needed. Then build him up about how you know he is so awesome that he can provide for you and the baby, you admire his work ethic, he is so wonderful at his job, yours is so hard, you want to take better care of your husband, not just the baby, because he deserves more of your time and energy too because he is such an awesome husband.

And then quit and be full of appreciation and kindness towards him. That is my opinion!!! And you will see a big switch in his attitude towards you and his ego will go up.

M.

Yes people really do it. It is hard but sometimes it must be done. 2 mos old is little and even harder for mommy.

The way it sounds your husband may be a bit bitter being shoved to the side while you play mommy. Maybe he is hurt and wants you to feel the "abandonment" too.

I do agree that he should work and take care if that is what you both want and it sounds like that is what you both wanted until the baby actually came. My guess is this is coming up now because of how daddy is left out to just provide and not be part of you and your time with and WITHOUT the baby. It is a difficult thing, to balance your time with work, children and a husband but he needs time too and you need to give it. If not he may grow more bitter and “force” the working full-time when that is not the real problem.

I remember going through that with my first, my husband just didnt care. But it actully worked out in my favore, I ended up having to stay home becuase our daughter got really sick. But to help your husband with this problem that he may be having about not being able to help out near as much with the baby(he most likely wont admit to it) but (this is only a idea of what you can do) instead of 100% breastfeeding maybe you should pump. Then you and hubby can hold and feed the baby and that might help your husband.

HI S.,
You said you planned on working part time but had to go to full time because of finances. Well then that's what you have to do. When your finances allow switch to part time and while you're home with baby during the day pump out some milk so your husband can feed the baby in the evenings when he gets home and allow him to bond with the baby. RIght now all both of you are doing is using your baby as an excuse to fight and that will only make you resent the baby and that's not fair. You do what you have to do like it or not. I had to go back to work when my 2nd was born and I hated every minute of it and I didn't get to quit and stay home again for a year and a half! I hated that I missed out on my kids and how little of them I got to see but I had no choice but once things got better then I was able to stay home again and that's what you have to do. Take care of your finances first then when you can switch to part time and do everything you can to make sure your husband gets bonding time with the baby in the evenings and on his days off. Put yourself in his shoes, think about how he might feel too. Good luck and hang in there!

C. C.

I too am sympathetic. When I went back to work, I found it difficult at first. . . but it did get easier over time. When you are at work, think about how the money you are making will provide for your child. Think about how your work IS a way of taking care of her, making sure she has the things she needs. Thinking like that always helped me.

Also, I was struck by this in your note, "Why can't he understand that I'm the primary care giver being mommy and he should be a daddy and work to take care of us?" Do you two agree about those very traditional roles? Mommy doesn't have to be the primary care giver, you just want to be. Doesn't your husband work to take care of you? It sounds as if you are resentful against your husband for not making enough money or working hard enough. Do you resent him for your not being able to stay home? I bet your husband would like for you to stay home if it was possible financially, but since it isn't, he may feel guilty and defensive for not being able to provide all that you want. That would be exaserbated if deep down you do blame him for the situation. I think everyone feels kind of like that sometimes, but it is important to confront those feelings and be honest about them. Recognize that you both are working hard to make ends meet and would like to see the baby more, recognize his efforts and sacrafices too. It isn't anyone's fault- it's life. And don't focus on the hard stuff that you can't change-- the wishful thinking. Concentrate on what you do have- a beautiful little girl to love and fill your life forever!
Also, I've found that when talking to many men, they respond better to concrete suggestions, rather than explanations of your feelings. For example, if you were to sugggest specific things that can be cut from your budget that would make it possible for you to work only part time. If he were to see how large the sacrafices you are willing to make are, it will show him how strongly you feel about it.

Hope it helps.

Hi, S.. I'm so sorry to hear you and your husband are having difficulty agreeing on this. It is a tough one. With the economy the way it is, I only know two mommies who are able to stay at home with her babies, and the other new mommies I know have to work full-time just to make ends meet. It's hard right now for everyone, and finances are always a thing to fight about. I know this probably doesn't make you feel better about your time with your baby and your husband, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

my opinion, he's being unreasonable. If you got to work just part-time then he would get more time with the baby (becuase even working part time, you'd need a break when your hubby got home). I don't know what to tell you to tell him to try to get him to understand, becuase my DH has been very understanding (I'm been working part time for 2 years now and now that we're having baby #2 I'll be quitting entirely). Good luck!

I am sympathetic with what you are going to and I do agree with most of what has already been written to you. But something is bothering me. Most of the posts I have read have put down your husband in one way or another. He may be unsympathetic to what you are wanting, but have you listened to what he is wanting? There seems to be something going on. Could he be jealous that you are closer to the baby? Does he want more quality time with the baby? Are you allowing him to bond with the baby? Have you been able to spend some one-on-one time with your husband? Does he feel overwhelmed with your want to have him be the primary financial supporter? It is not as easy and clear cut as "the mother stays at home and the father goes to work". You may want to find out what is going on through his mind and also share with him your thoughts.

S.
A LOT of people have to go back to work full time after having a baby. After my first baby I had to go back after only two weeks!!!! You are very lucky to have a relative able to babysit her. If you have to work right now suck it up and make the best of it. I know first hand how terribly you miss your baby but by working you are doing what is best for your family right now. Do be down on your husband. He needs/wants to spend time with the baby too. You should purposefully schedule time for each of you to take on baby responsibilities, such as, trading off nights to get up with baby, bathing, feeding (pump & let him bottle feed), diapering, etc. Good luck. You are not the only one who has ever had to leave their baby to go to work and while I know it is terribly hard, you have to do what needs to be done.

Hi S.,
I have a 4 month old and a 22 month old. My husband and I made a deal when we had #1 - I would get to be stay at home mommy. When #1 was 11 months old, it became obvious that we could not swing it financially and, while I really only wanted a part-time job, a full-time job came along that was too good to pass up. The day I started the second job, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with #2 (at age 44, this was a huge shock). #2 was born in August and I went back to work in November. THANK GOD I did because my husband does high-end interior trim and while he was making over $110K per year before, he has been almost unemployed the month of December. Truly, we are in bad, bad financial straights. I'm also unhappy but feel blessed to have a job. What I'm suggesting is that nothing is forever and while you want to be a SAHM, it doesn't sound like it is possible for you right now. And the fact that you were unhappy before you had a baby and now you are still unhappy. . . I'm wondering if counseling might be in order. Trust me, I like all my ducks in a row, too but it sounds like you and hubbie may have other problems. I don't think either of you are being totally unreasonable but it sounds like you need someone to help you sort out the issues.

HI S.!

Congrats, on the new baby! I'm so sorry to hear about your husband being unrealistic and it sounds as if he is not being uinderstanding at all. Have you thought about looking for another job that would allow you to work an opposite schedule from your husbadn so that you could spend time with your baby. There are companies out there that allow you to work from home as well so even if you worked part-time froim home and had to get a second part-time job to help off set the financial diffrence it may allow you to spend more time with your baby. I have a 4 month old and I understand how you feel when your away from your baby. I too get sad when I have to leave her even if its only for a few hours. Abother suggestion is to talk to a counsler they can always be benificial. I just want you to know that I don't feel like your being unreasonable adn no its not just your emotions talkinng. Congratulations and best of luck.

Sounds like he needs a complete day to himself with your baby. Whenever my husband gets that way I just plan something and leave him alone all day with the kids. I have a 5 year old boy and 2 year old twins. My situation is a bit different because I am a stay at home mom.(I was a school teacher and seeing the difference between parents at home and parents who work full time there was no other choice). Not trying to say working moms are bad, because I have a friend who does a great job at balancing work and raising her boys.
He needs to understand that you breastfeed. Maybe give him the cost of formula without you breastfeeding, then maybe he will understand that you need to be with your baby. I lost my milk with the twins and we went through a big can of formula ( the kind you can only buy at Sam's or CostCo) a week which was 20.00 to 30.00 a week. (that is store brand formula-not namebrand)
Maybe he needs to feel more needed and is not sure what his purpose is. How is he with changing diapers? My husband would get our baby or babies and bring them to me to breastfeed, then he would change their diapers and lay them down again. That way he got to bond with our kids also. And it is a good bonding time with Daddy.

S.,

It is a sign of the times, it does take two people to make ends meet today.

So if you are trying to breast feed exclusively, then perhaps you should think about going to formula.

That way your husband could have some time with his daughter also.

Yes, your husband is being insensitive about your frustration over breast feeding and no time with the baby.

But you are being postpartum to and extent also.

Don't fight over this, because there are more important things in life to face.

You and your husband should make the most of the evening time you have with your daughter, because she definitely feels the tension between the two of you.

She will eventually become a cranky baby if you do not stop.

Good luck, be happy and enjoy your baby, don't fight about it. It is not worth the battle.

There is always jobs you can do from home.
If you live in a college town, put an ad in the paper and type term papers for students. It usually goes for a dollar a page.

Just be happy. With the economy as it is, this is not a battle that will end happily.

No, S., it's totally understandable. It's always hard with your first, and you get soo over protective of them. Yes, we all have to work to make a living. But, just take a picture of her to work with you. And keep a picture of you in the baby's diaper bag. Babies never forget who you are.
I have three children, 7, 5 and 2 year old. And I work full-time and attend school full-time. It's hard, but everyone can make it. And the baby will still love you!

S.,

I just read through all the responses thus far and I'm shocked at some of them.

I don't think you married the "wrong man" or that he is insensitive. I also don't think you are "wrong" to feel the way you do - however, I do think you both need to sit down and communicate a bit.

Can you manage it without your income? Or would it stretch your finances so far that he's completely stressed out all the time?

A marriage - and a family - require compromises and the marriage is a partnership. I am very traditional in the manner of men and women (men are the providers and women the caretakers) unfortunately, that cannot always be the case in the world we currently live in - especially with economy as it currently is.

Sit down and talk it out. Discuss your feelings while being open to his. See if you can come up with a plan that would fit both your needs -maybe you have to work for 6 months and then can stay home.. or if you can swing it part-time by cutting back on something else.

Don't forget that he is a new Daddy, just as you are a new Mommy. It's a new roll for each of you and unfortunately, Daddies get left out of a lot of the new baby stuff - especially if you breastfeed exclusively. If you are pumping.. let Dad feed her in the evenings. - include him as much as you can in the wonder of this beautiful little girl you've been blesed with.

Give him extra time with you -even if you are tired.. make it happen. He misses you just as much as he feels left out. Your focus is now your new child - don't forget the love you have for your husband in this flood of new emotions.

You'll get through this - just keep talking and being there for each other.

God Bless you all-
C.

I too had to deal with going back to work while I really didn't want to. Fortunately with a lot of sacrificing and downsizing, I only have to work about 18 hours a week. I am sorry your husband doesn't have the same priorities that you do (as far as raising your child instead of having someone else do it). You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
And I'm sure some women have made comments about what you said about daddy working to take care of us--remember, everyone has different values, priorities, and belief systems. But I just want you to know that I agree with you.
Hang in there!

Maybe sit down with him and write down on paper how much it is actually costing you to go to work.Men like logic, so maybe seeing it on paper( and there a re web sights where you can figure out the tax implications). That is truly remarkable you have a family member who watches the baby, is that free? You are not crazy to want him to take care of the family, and I can totally understand that you are sad leaving your baby, this is a huge bonding time and your baby is only 8 weeks?! Hang in there, you are ok

S.,

Babies change a lot of things with you marriage dynamic. I'm sure he's just feeling left out a little bit. I went through this with my hubby too. Try to open up and be honest about how you feel.

I also started my own home business to help bring in the money, and stay home with my baby. This has worked great for us so far! I can show you how to do that too if you're interested! Message me!

Good Luck!
J.
WAHM of 2 girls. Helping Moms earn extra income from home!

That's a tough one, men don't understand why women want to stay home with their children, they think of them as being lazy and not wanting to work. It can really cause a lot of strain on a marriage.
I have worked part time for years so that I could be home with my kids and my husband has been great about it for the most part, however their have been times that he gets stressed out having all the financial burden on his shoulders.
I've seen it with other couples too, I believe it's broken up a marriage of a friend of mine because she hasn't worked in 17 years and with this economy, she still hasn't gotten a job, and he just packed up and left, I think the stress of financially having to take care of a family while she doesn't add any income at all just finally became to much for him to deal with.
See what you can do to cut back on some expenses and fit in a part time job that would make up for full time pay? I worked graveyard shift for many years so that I would be home during the day, that's something to consider too, as tiring as it can be, it keeps you home during the day.
Good luck

S., I know exactly how you feel. I had my first child one year and a half ago. I was on maternity leave for two months and then I had to go back to work. I cried like no other the last two weeks I was on maternity leave knowing I had to go back to work and leave my little one. Luckily when I got back to my work they had decorated it and put up signs that said we missed you. This made the transition back into work much easier. However, I still thought about my kid constantly. I felt guilty leaving him at home. Now, I see all the benefits of putting him in day care and family care and do not feel so bad. He has learned to share, and communicate with other children. Plus his dad gets to be more of a dad to him then a lot of dads. Don't get me wrong, my husband is just like yours sometimes and says I nag on him. But we both understand that we both work full time, so we both need to help. We try really hard to acknowlege when the other person does something, so we can avoid arguments.

Also, it is so great when your kid gets older, and comes running to the door to give you a hug and a kiss after being gone to work all day. There is no better feeling in the world. I think if I was a stay at home mom and did not get that, I would miss it so much.

So try to just remeber the benefits of working (other then the money you are brining home). I know it is hard, but there are some.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry that your husband wasn't more sympathetic. It is extremely difficult to leave your baby and work. But you have to do certain things to take care of your baby and providing financial support is necessary. Your husband is not without human emotions, a robot for you to command. In this own dumb way he was trying to tell you that he feels the same way. A precious baby is so wonderful and just like new love, you want to spend every second together so that you don't miss a thing.
I pouted too when my baby was so little. Sometimes I would dress her in the morning and she wouldn't really even wake up. Took her to my sister's for the day while I worked, and then when I picked her up and took her home, she would eat and sleep. She was so little and still sleeping so much that pretty much all of her waking hours weren't with me. :(
But you will have days off with your baby and she will not be sleeping so many hours of the day for long. You can send a camera with her for grandma to take pictures of moments that you miss. Look at pictures and see your baby. She is yours and there is no one in the world that is going to take the place of mommy in her heart or otherwise. Unfortunately, mommy has more than one responsibility to the care of her child. No only to you get to cuddle and play, but you have to support her, teach her, watch her grow and sometimes she'll get hurt, or you have to deal out punishments. You have to be mom in everyway. And you have to allow your husband to be dad in more than one way too.
Kindest Regards,
T.

S., I am 100% behind you.
I think you should be able to stay home full time with your child if AT ALL POSSIBLE. Your child needs you now. Hang in there.

I totally understand that challenges of going back to work and be thankful that you are able to have grandma available to help out, we live thousands of miles away from family and when our daughter was little it was very difficult. Keep up with the nursing (and pumping) and know that is doing wonders for your baby, but don't knock yourself out if your milk supply goes down or the stresses of working effect it, lots of babies are healthy on formula too. Also keep in mind that your husband is going through a major life change too and feeling a bit out of place. You have a very obvious job with feeding the baby, but he also needs to be feel needed and useful. My experience was that my husband was a SAHD since my salary and benefits were so much better and without family for daycare, we couldn't afford to have him work. It was difficult to deal with breaking the stereotypical gender roles and the reaction we got from people, especially the "mommy club" and even one woman who berated him, and told him that a strange woman (that we paid) would be better to take care of our daughter than her own father! (That was the volunteer trainer when he wanted to do volunteer work to get out of the house and have "adult" interaction. Suffice to say that he didn't volunteer with that organization) and we have never regretted his staying home. It is very difficult and a major change for EVERYONE in the house, just be patient, make sure to talk about what you are feeling and also acknowledge that he may be going through his own feelings/bought of depression. I know that my husband didn't see ME as much as he wanted to, he wasn't used to sharing me and that was hard on OUR relationship. There is a lot of books about bringing baby home and what to expect to happen with baby, but there isn't much for fathers, and I don't think I ever saw anything that spoke to how the couple changes when it becomes a family. Be strong and remember that you love each other, that 2 participating parents are the best for baby. When she gets older and can interact more with him, he'll be more jazzed about being Daddy, and it will be easier for you as well. Just hang in there, parenting has only just begun and it will last your whole lifetime, and it will influence the way that your daughter raises her family. Be a good example, and do what works best for you and your family. And know that we all have advice, but none of us know exactly what it feels like to be you.

First, I think that there is an underlying issue. Your husband is probably frustrated because no matter what he does you are not happy. He is also deep inside frustrated that he is not the full bread winner. Before you get to frustrated take a deep breath and read the book. Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You first need to help your relationship before you can help your financial worries. They go hand in hand. Finances don't work unless you have a strong relationship no matter how much you have. Let him know your goals and how staying home will bring a happier home. Including pleasing him with a happier wife.

S. -

I read your response immediately felt a connection to you. First of all, congrats on your baby girl!

I have been going through very similar struggles about returning to work full time after having a new born. I am expecting my first baby in the end of February!

I don't have much advice other then to tell you that your emotions are real and normal. I have been going through what your already experiencing the past few months & my little one hasn't even arrived yet.

I have looked to yoga a lot recently to help me let go and get control over my emotions.

I can completely understand your stance as I am wondering how I will manage myself. My family is clear on the other side of the country & I just moved here in May. I barely know anyone I'd say I could trust for childcare... hang in there the best you can. Your happiness and the babies well being are the most important things I feel! Remember what your feeling is real and normal in my opinion!

Best of luck to you & enjoy your little one!
C.

I have no first-hand experience with this, but it seems to me that if you need to hold the baby all the time after you get home from work, so your husband never gets to hold her, if you went to part-time, you would get some time with her before your husband came home, and he'd get some time with her, too.
Here's something that takes many people a long time to realize. A stay-at-home-mom doesn't just "stay home." If you went to part-time, you would still have another full
-time job: the job of Mom. I'm sure you're exhausted, because you're working full time at work, then full-time at home. That's because moms never get time off, even in the middle of the night.
I have a friend who was absolutely sure she couldn't afford to stay home with her babies. But she had to spend money on nice clothes for her job, and she paid day care, and gas. AND the biggest glaring thing was that they just spent a lot of money. I was a poor college student at the time, and I saw a LOT of ways she could trim the fat. She never cooked anything from scratch. It was all prepackaged or frozen, expensive, and not very healthy food. They also ate out all the time. I can understand that. She didn't have time or energy to cook after working all day. And they owned about 200 DVD's, had a big tv, two laptops, new cell phones every few months, etc. From the outside looking in, I could see that if she really wanted to, she could stay home.
Then she had another baby, who has special needs. The cost of special needs daycare is astronomical, so she HAD to quit working. And guess what? They've cut back on their expenses, and they're making it just fine.
A lot of people think that the only way to get more money is to make more money. But I have made it my job to save us money. My husband makes it, I make it stretch.
I guess my point is that if you really want to, I'm sure you could find ways to lessen your family's dependence on your salary. You may have to make it a goal for the future, so you can work toward going to part-time in, say, 3 months. Or 6 months. Maybe that will help you get through this tough time!
I hope something I've said helps you.

S.,
I'm so sorry your husband is requiring you to work outside of the home. It is perfectly normal that you want to be with your baby! It is not ppd to think you should be home instead of away from your baby all day. This is how God made mothers. I think your husband probably doesn't understand that you are the primary care giver being mommy and he should be a daddy and work to take care of you two because he had never been taught that this is his role (and yours). Your baby isn't a possession that you get to play with on occasion. She is your child and she needs her parents to raise her. I don't understand why this is such a difficult concept to grasp. I pray that your husband will come to understand how vitally important it is to have you with her all day everyday. Jobs will always be there. Your child will grow and be gone in a flash.

S.,

Well, that is a tough situation. I know it is too late now, but what we did to ensure that I could stay home after our baby was born, was to put my pay check into savings every month, and "practice" living on one income. That way we had savings, and experience living on one income.

I try to remember that this is a season, and maybe not forever. You could try budgeting on a part time income, or even just DH's income and live that way for a month or two and see if that is possible at all. We had to cut back on eating out and clothes buying, but it is totally worth it to be able to stay home. And at home, I have more time to cook as well--which makes eating out less "necessary" than before.

It is a big adjustment to go from a couple to a family--and it is hard on both partners. My DH had a rough time--but adjusted eventually. It helped that I would let him care for baby in the evenings while I made dinner--except for the time I would sit down to breastfeed.

Hang in there--people have recommended ways to save on your budget that could be really helpful--try living on his income and your "part time" income, and if hubby sees that it is doable, you may be able to convince him to let you go down to just part time work. Eventually you may be able to come up with an at home business that would allow you to make the same income while working at home part time. Best wishes during this rough transition.

I believe you are both disappointed about what it would be like to have a baby and that the plan didn't work out as planned. That doesn't make either of you wrong. I stay home because for financial reasons I had no choice. My bring home pay didn't pay the childcare cost and we don't have family nearby. I was resentful that he still got to leave the house and he was resentful that all I got to do was stay home. This was a suprise baby. Sometimes life doesn't work the way we want it to despite the best planning. Instead of whining about your current sitation buck it up and then make a new plan. Try putting half of your salary into a savings and see how it goes for a few months. Yes, during that time you are still missing out on the baby but you should have already been doing this for the past year, especially since it sounds like you planned on a baby. Money doesn't just miraculously appear. There are lots of ways to budget. We buy used, buy generic and don't have a lot of things other people do like a car payment or the newer car that goes along with it, no cable/satelite, no takeout or fast food. I think you get the point. Also discuss with your husband ways that he can be more involved. After all it isn't just your baby, it's his too.
Successful breastfeeding and working full time can be done. I did this with my oldest because my ex didn't bring home any money from his job. Yes it's hard. Get a high grade double pump. It will do the job in 15 minutes or less and can be rented from any hospital or local Le Leche League. Then make sure you have some quiet time at work about every 2 hours. Take a picture of the baby with you and relax, it helps a lot. Being stressed isn't going to help with breastfeeding and from your post it doesn't sound like it's because you are working. It sound like you would be stressed either way because there is resentment in your home because there is no unity. Take a step back, restructure your plan and change your attitude since it's the only one you are in charge of. Things will go smoother and you will be happier.

Going back to work full-time is possible... I've done it! I have a (almost) 4 yr old and a 2 1/2 year old... with both of them I had to go back to work after 7-8 weeks. I'm also an RN so it meant going back to 12 hour days (actually nights) while breastfeeding.

It is hard.. you do miss them a great deal... but if you are dedicated to breastfeeding that will be fine assuming you're able to pump at work. (My oldest I breastfed for 10 mos and my youngest almost 13 months... both recv'd breast milk only until after they were no longer breastfeeding.) However, if your husband is looking to be able to be a "caregiver" maybe he can hold her when you're done breastfeeding... change her diapers just before your breastfeeding sessions. Now that breastfeeding should be established, every now and then let him offer expressed breast milk via a bottle... after all, it is still breastfeeding (although some might think differently).

As to whether or not you're experiencing post partum depression... that's really determined with how long you aren't finding enjoyment in things... including the baby... if you're crying all the time, can't sleep or sleep all the time... If this has lasted for 14 days or longer you need to contact you OB/GYN or midwife... otherwise it's probably the "baby blues" or just being sleep deprived with breastfeeding every 3-4 hours at night and working full time during the day...

Dad's have a tough roll... they want to be a caregiver... but feel helpless since they can't breastfeed and mom tend do it all... What you are feeling (it sounds) is that you're a new mom and what most of us feel like when we have to go back to work...

Good luck and hope it helps!

I agree that it sounds like parenthood was not quite what either of you expected, but you are not alone. I do not think parenthood is what anyone expects. But there might be a solution that lets you bring in an income as well as be at home with your child. Have you looked into working at home? If you are good with kids you can run a daycare or even just watch a few kids along with your own. I run a daycare and I love it. I get the kids all day, so it is easy to feed them before Daddy gets home and then he gets some quality time with them too while I make dinner. There are plenty of other options if childcare does not seem like the right fit like realitor or appraiser... the list goes on and on.

Good Luck

I think that this is a very hard situation. I would be devastated to leave my baby to go to work. Something that I caught in what you wrote about how he never gets time with the baby. Maybe give him dady bonding time. You nurse have him burp the baby or change the diapers. Let him be involved at times to. There are more ways than just working that he can be the daddy. Maybe if he feels equal care for the baby it can open up new avenues for you in communication. This is just an idea. Good Luck.