Girls Don't Do Well in "3'S" Someone Always Left Out

My daughter is 10 and we've never had the experience of having neighbor kids she played with; all the neighbor kids are younger than she is, by several years, and all go to a different school to boot. So we've had to do something you may find yourself doing more now -- more phone calls, arranging and chauffeuring to get to new and different play dates away from the neighborhood.

I think you will find that this does indeed, as you say "eventually hash out," and then it will, well, re-hash, over and over. Kids' best buddies of the week, or month, or whole school year, do change, rotate and mutate.
The girls who are playing together a lot right now might end up not seeing as much of each other in a few months, and your daughter might end up seeing more of one of them for a while.

Or the other two girls might have more in common than you realize right now (maybe they both go to the same dance class, or are on the same soccer team, or just like to play the same kinds of things in the same way and thus are attractive friends to each other). That's life. Neighbor pals are great -- and easy -- but your daughter is hitting the age when being geographically close, and even having played together a lot as younger kids, counts for less and less, and common interests or personalities/play styles that "gel" start to count for much more. I see it all the time.

Try not to feel offended or hurt when you think your daughter is "snubbed" or not "one of the top 10" (your terms, both). It's not kids intentionally snubbing; it's probably kids' shifting attention spans for other kids, frankly. Invite the kids over whom your daughter wants to play with; don't invite the one she doesn't want to play with. And explore play dates with newer friends she knows through school or other activities she does outside school. This is going to be fine; it's a normal transition from neighborhood friends to a broader circle where there is friendship based more on interests and less on proximity.

Does your daughter have other friends? I think it would be in her best interest to broaden her friend circle to include friends from school, activities she's in, friends that don't live on your street or in your neighborhood. It sounds like all of her eggs are in one basket and because the social circle is not very big, it's more noticeable. If she were busy with other friends in different neighborhoods, I doubt the exclusion would hurt as much.

Also, just because 3 girls live in a neighborhood doesn't mean that they will all like each other or all be friends. Life just doesn't work that way. It's like saying that just because your co-workers are your age, that you automatically have to be friends with them. It's not realistic. I also don't think kids should be forced to play with kids they don't want to play with.

Also, remember that kids change friends frequently. They may move on or outgrow their friends. It's a part of life, unfortunately.

J.,
I just don't think children should HAVE to always include others in the neighborhood. (Not that I'm saying you think they have to.) Now, if they are teasing your daughter about not being invited to things, it's time to address that. If not, children and families can play with who they want to. Who they want to play with, might not include your daughter sometimes. I think this is a really good time, to teach your daughter about individual choices. Some people choose to play with certain people, that does not mean the other party is leaving someone out...to hurt feelings. It simply means, they wanted to play with that person today. She is going to be in middle school soon. It will be a harsh reality for her, if she doesn't realize now that not everyone has to play together all the time...and very rarely is that personal.

It's OK that the other 2 girls are playing together. They aren't doing anything wrong to your daughter by getting together, just the two of them, unless they are making snide comments or rubbing it in her face. You have to let it go. I really think it's better at this age for girls to spend time in pairs, rather than in 3's. Invite the one girl she wasn't snubbed by over individually for a playdate another day. Yes, I have had to ignore plenty of that kind of thing out my own front window. But that's what you have to do. And widen your circle of friends and activities outside of the neighborhood.

Here's how this kind of thing worked out for us.

My oldest DD was in a group of 3 girls the same age in our neighborhood. One next door, and one across the street. She was friends with both girls, since toddlerhood, but one was very dominant and could be mean to the other friend. Neither wanted to share my DD. Because they were in constant competition for my DD's attention, they could NOT stand each other. My DD was always in the middle of huge awful fights and tears, and for years I tried playing the bigger person. All were welcomed at my house. No one was turned away. The more the merrier, right? Wrong! Finally we all had enough. It was too stressful on my own child and she never enjoyed herself AT ALL if these 2 were together around her. I finally switched to a one neighbor friend at a time rule at my house. Much easier, and the other girls actually seemed relieved too, even if they did get gently turned away some days. They just played with my DD on different occasions.

So flash forward, they are all in middle school now. The more dominant girl had already switched schools in 3rd grade. She and my DD stayed good friends for awhile, but started growing apart in 4th grade. They have no friends in common anymore, but that is probably for the best because it was always huge drama when then did. This friend hit puberty earlier and leaned more advanced socially. My DD tried last a bit last summer and the summer before several times to re-kindle the friendship, but there was no effort returned. They live so close, but they are worlds apart. Too different to be close friends again. Now they walk by and ignore each other at the public pool they once spent every summer day together playing blissfully. Things do change.

The other girl is still one of DD's best friends, but they have had some ups and downs. Most of 4th and 5th grade they were horribly mad at each other one week and then besties the next week. In 6th and 7th grade things stabilized. They got along better when they weren't together every single day, doesn't every one? They still have the occasional tiff, but neither can stand for their fights to go on too long. They each have other friends independent from one another, which helps.

Hang on! Every neighorhood street with 3 girls goes through this, I'm sure of it.

You're bringing back memories of my childhood - not good ones. No, girls do NOT do well in 3's. Period, end of story! I even remembering struggling with my twin cousins (twins + me made 3) one summer vacation, and someone always felt left out. I can think of a bunch of other times through elem., middle, and high school where 3 did not work, and someone (often me) was left out. I even had a classmate through 1st to 8th grade that was like the one you describe. She was the 'leader' type. Smart, cute, manipulative. Always made the decisions for everyone else. My best advice is to continue to help her understand, and help build her confidence in herself. I honestly don't think my mom could have done much to help me when I was growing up, but it would have been nice to be able talk to my mom about it and have her understand, so you're a leg up in that aspect. Keep the communication flowing as much as possible.
And I just have to say thank God I have boys! I don't think I could handle going through all that junk a 2nd time, although we have had bullying issues in school with my 10 yr old, so I guess boys are not immune from it all.

Ahhh...my daughter also figured out that 3s never work. She was heartbroken. She always had a great time when she played separately with 2 friends of hers but when they got together, the other 2 always played more with each other. The funny thing about this situation is that I was in the same boat with the Moms of these 2 girls. Every time we all went out or had each other over for dinner my 2 friends would sit next to each other with their DHs or my DH on either side and I would be stuck across from them. It sucked. I just gave up after a while. Currently I only hang with one of the Moms and the other one I gave up on because she just didn't fit what I was looking for in a friend.

I tell my daughter that it is great to be surrounded by a lot of "surface" friends. It is easier that way without being too attached and feelings don't get hurt as easily. *sigh* It's hard.

Even if the girl doesn't seem mean, she is. The best advice I got on this situation was to believe the girl meant exactly what she did. The M. is to blame too because she allowed it.

I would make sure to get playdates first with the girl across the street, even if you don't normally schedule them. Then have the girls play inside and in your house. Perhaps that girl will move on and find others elsewhere.

As I remember your daughter is young. As she gets older her range of friends will increase, though you will have to drive more.

Only one girl from Genna's class lives in our subdivision but they just aren't great friends. Genna doesn't care, she prefers to play with the boys anyway. :) She is not a Barbie kind of girl, she likes to play in the creek.

It seems like the girl who excluded your daughter is a classic "mean girl". I wouldn't want my daughter playing with someone like that anyway. I would invite the girl from across the street to just come over and play sometimes. If the other two can play alone together, then you can certainly do the same thing.

Continue to let your daughter play with the one that DID invite her to her party. That middle girl does have a choice who she plays with as well, but it doesn't mean your daughter is left out, just means the other one is added.

Are you friendly at all with the girls mother's? Seems like there should be some adult's getting involved here and talking with the girls about how it's nice to include others. Having playdates occasionally without your daughter is one thing but I really feel badly about the bday party, that seems a little unkind. I'm wondering if you could maybe talk to the parent's about it? Is there something more going on that maybe you don't know? I feel badly for the situation and hope it all works out.

I was in a trio of friends when I was a kid. We were GREAT friends. However, I was closer to one as she and I went to the same school and the third girl was closer to my friend as they lived only a few houses from each other, in a different neighborhood from me. I didn't feel excluded, but I knew the friendship was a little unbalanced. I was never left out of birthday parties. That sounds like the one girl has moved on from the friendship with your daughter at this time.... The friendship I had naturally ended between the three of us as teenagers. My point is, you are correct in saying that trios are unbalanced.

I agree with having your daughter make playdates with the one girl. Also, ask her if she really gets along with any kids in her grade and then see if she can invite them over for a playdate.

Hello,
The only other thing you might try is go outside when you see the girls and ask them why they don't invite your daughter to join in their play & why they didn't invite her to their parties.
OR
You could ask their moms why your daughter was left out.

Best of luck,
C.

Hi, you got great answers already, I just had to post because we had this same situation. My DD was friends with Amy, who lives up the street. Then they both started playing with Keri, also on the same street. This was great for a while, and then Amy started to try and separated my DD from Keri. Big falling out, and basically Keri was caught in the middle.

My thing is this- if you daughter likes all of the girls involved, she could keep inviting and trying. But if she is not liking the girl who is snubbing her, then you are right, this too shall pass but it probably stings a little right now. Show your DD how to be the bigger person and not play tug of war with friends. Keep her socially active with lots of other girls, and nicely explain that sometimes friends need breaks from one another or they just move on (and then later vent to hubby or to us!!).

I thought I would just let you know that in my case, this started a little over a year ago. And it was hard for a while, but all girls have moved on. My DD and Keri are still friends, but as you said, they all just move forward and find lots of other friends.

So exhausting, I can't even imagine the teenage problems. Sigh. Good luck.

I haven't read responses or previous post, I am usually better prepared when answering, sorry! However, we have this situation with my (now) 13 yr old dgtr. Moved to this house when she was 8 yrs old and she already had 2 friends that lived here from church and soccer. They all 3 get along great together, but it is obvious that the other 2 girls have been closer friends and they do get together without my dgtr sometimes. The bday party thing has never happened to us, they always have all 3 girls for any party.
On to now, my dgtr and one of the other girls go to the same middle school, the 3rd girl goes to a magnet school, that caused a little friction with girl #3 last year, this year it is a non issue. Also, 2 other girls their age have moved in over the past couple of years, so if one group is "full" and doesn't want anyone else hanging out, there are options.
It works itself out, before you know it, your dgtr will be driving herself anywhere she wants to hang out with whoever she wants to hang with, enjoy time with her now while you have it :)