Gifts from boss...is This Appropriate (Edited)

i may be playing devils advocate, but are you sure that she is actually buying the stuff? sometimes teams like the royals give gifts like that to large companies, kind of assuming that they are males or just in general. she may be getting them free and doesnt want them, so she is giving them to your husband! lol.

1 mom found this helpful

I definately think the gifts are inappropriate. Especially if he is the only one getting them. We are not talking about everyone in the company getting a bonus for Christmas. I would be very upset if my husband came home with these types of gifts. Although I have to say I'm pretty sure my hubby would see them as inappropriate and kindly decline.

I would ask my husband to return the gifts and not accept anymore. Granted if this lady does have " a thing " for your hubby this could make her upset. But your marriage is more important than his job.

I would also suggest you two start counseling for your marriage ASAP. I would bring this matter up to a counselor. Your husband might be more ready to listen to a third party about this and I'm pretty sure a marriage counselor will tell him these gifts are not okay.

I'm sorry about your daughter and I hope you and your husband can work on making your marriage stronger. Good luck.

Okay so I would definitely be upset also. It's obviously not his fault that she is giving these gifts to him, but he can definitely decline any additional gifts she offers from here on out. I have found that with my personal marriage relationship that it is better to be safe than sorry. My husband had a woman boss that wanted to take him to lunch every week, I let it go on for about 2 weeks and then I was done with that. He now has lunch with me every day. We as women have to jump up and protect our relationships with our hubby's. It's hard, but you will know what to do if you pray about it. Sending up some prayers for you right now!! Take care!!

Hi J.,

How long has your husband worked for this company? Is he good at his job? Has this company had a hard time doing business in this bad economy? Have they had to let people go?

The reason I ask these questions is because it is a possibility that he is very much appreciated in his workplace. In a time when companies have let go of the employees who don't contribute much but had seniority, they also had to let go of people who were pretty good at their jobs. So some of the best of the bunch are left to pick up the pieces and try to get through this economy. That might be your husband.

My own husband's boss (yes, a man) gives him tickets to ballgames just to let him know that he is appreciated (not Christmas or birthday). It is this particular company's practice to gift down, not up, so that employees don't feel that they have to impress bosses with gifts, and I think that's a great policy. So I hope your husband doesn't feel that he has to reciprocate.

I hope this way of thinking might help shed light on what may be an innocent practice and a way of showing kudos to your husband in his job.

All my best,
D.

Maye she is just buying it for tax write offs.
Business "expenses."

I agree that it could be either innocent (if others receive the same sort of thoughtful expensive gifts from her) or not. If not, then to keep things appropriate, your husband should let her know that he is not comfortable accepting such gifts from her. That he thinks it is in appropriate. Not that he doesn't appreciate them, but that it is inappropriate for him to accept them.
She may ignore him and try again with the "next thing" that comes up... but he should again decline to accept, with his thanks all the same.

This is what is respectful to you, and to himself. If he is getting this "treatment" and others are not, then his coworkers may begin to resent him and also make assumptions about his work - perhaps that he gets credit or perks due to his "relationship" with her that he hasn't earned. This would not be the kind of reputation I would think he would want to foster at work. It just LOOKS bad. Not to mention the stress/strain it adds by undermining YOUR relationship.

Don't be angry or jealous when you talk to your husband about it, but point out that other people (co-workders) will have perceptions about what is going on, too. And whether or not it it innocent is irrelevant when it comes to appearances.

That fact that it was for his birthday makes it seem less of an incentive gift to me. But if this is a small company, or he is her one subordinate it isn't all that unusual. More than a couple of hundred dollars a year seems like a lot, but this isn't crazy so far. Besides, you got to go to the games with him, right? She bought a pair of them for him to share with you? I'd worry more about whether they were eating out at lunch every day, especially if "the company is paying the tab,' in other words, if she is subtlely pressuring him to spend time with her.

dig in his email and his phone a little - check he is where he is when he says he is - call in unexpectdly at his work.

you will be able to tell pretty quick if something is going on.

are you worried about an affair? or more about her having too much control over your hubby?.

Regardless of anything else you told us, the thing sthat stands out the most to me is your husband is uncomfortable with these gifts, too. He can use you as the excuse if it's easist to do-- he can just tell her that he really appreciates the gifts but they are making his wife feel uncomfortable.

Another thing that stood out to me is you said "things are so great with us right now". If you look at men who have cheated, like John Edwards, they say sometimes they weren't out looking to cheat but when a woman paid a bunch of attention to them and put themselves out there that it was hard to resist. Make sure you speak with your husband and let him know that although you trust him (DO YOU??) that you don't trust his boss's intentions and open up the lines of communication about it.

I don't think you are paranoid, I think most woman would question this woman's motives. But, I do trust my husband completely, so I would probably be like--"Yeah! Royals Tickets-let's go to a game!" As long as he wasn't using the gifts with her, I would be okay with it. The money spent isn't an issue for me, different people have different budgets. A card that costs $3 can be more meaningful than $300 season tickets. I think sports stuff is natural to give to a male employee especially if she is aware your husband is a sports fan. I would be more worried with a personal, sentimental gift. I think what it boils down too is whether you think you have something to worry about with your husband going outside of your marriage. No matter what any of us moms think, if you feel uncomfortable definitely speak to your hubby about it in a non-accusatory manner. If you feel your husband is at risk for cheating than that is a whole other can of worms, and it wouldn't take a fancy jacket to tempt him. Best of luck.

I'd also want to know what she is giving to her other workers. My hubands male boss gives him nice gifts, but he does so for all upper management.

If she does not, I would tell him to let her know that he appreciates the thought, but she shouldn't indulge him in the future.

Everything you have mentioned is sports related....not uncommon for someone who only has a few subordinates. I see nothing wrong and I do not see them as to personal either. Now if were underwear or an expensive cologne I would be mad.

It does seem a bit excessive. What is their work relationship (if he is an assistant specifically to her, it would make more sense than if he is one of a bunch of employees she manages).

Talk to your husband. Tell him you are worried about the gifts. Go at it first from a non-relationship standpoint. If she is trying to write them off in taxes, it is far beyond the limit of $25 a year; and I am not sure how they would have to be reported as part of HIS income. (My company gives a lot of incentive gifts, and everything has to be reported - the value of it counts as a type of income). Also, if a show of favoritism could cause concerns in the company, etc. This might help your husband take a step back and look at the situation (and maybe assess his own emotional standpoint here).

It could be that she has a thing for him. Don't automatically assume that he reciprocates, you don't want to put him on the defensive our he won't listen to any of your concerns.

I would be worried too and would speak to my husband as you did. One thing I will say though is that my husband manages 9 people and the company has cut back so much on bonuses, raises, incentives etc. that the only way he can show his appreciation for his employees (and try to keep his really good employees) is to get them gifts out of his own pocket. Now for him it's nothing nearly as personal as what she has done, but it could just be that given the situation at work with others getting hired she is just trying to keep him happy and has simply been misdirected in her efforts.

Good luck,
K.

I myself worked for a company that did huge presents for Christmas. My commissioned positon did not call for over the top gift recieving but secretaries and administration staff pulled in huge gifts from our bosses. High end weekend hotel accommadtions for 2, diamond braclets, expensive leather sport jackets for the team of their choice, out of country trips, and dinners for 2 at very high end restaurants just to name a few. Did the guys and gals feel funny about being on the recieving end of all this??? No!!! they felt it was well deserved. I worked with a guy whose wife yearly was awarded a trip anyplace in the world she wanted to go with her husband for Christmas. This hard working gal's efforts paid off for her company consistently increasing their client base and status.
There is no set ground rules to show appreciation for a job well done. Also, the type of industry and its management style of gift giving is as individual as the people that are hired to fill job positions.
Hope this viewpoint helped you,
Mary

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

The hospital visit incident shot up a RED FLAG. That was strictly unprofessional and uncalled for. I now suspect there is more going on between those two.

What ever she needed to tell him could have been with a phone call. I'd suggest your husband ask for a transfer and/or start looking for a new job.

Blessings........

Hi J.,

Has your husband done something recently that would merit rewards? Big sales, new clients, met an important deadline?

Do all employees get birthday gifts? I use to work for a company that had a nice gift mailed to the employee's home for their birthday. It was never mentioned much at work, except for a polite thanks! We also got a summer bonus and a winter bonus...again not talked about too much...excepts for THANKS!

I believe you would know if something "fishy" is going on.....Women/wives tend to sense these things. It's important to let your husband know if something is bothering you otherwise it will fester and blow up bigger then it should. Just say, "honey, does she give everyone gifts like this"? The ball is then in his court.

Blessings.....

You said yourself that you are very sensitive. You also said your husband is also uncomfortable with the gifts. Theses are all good things to know.

You have done all you need to do. You have spoken to your husband and he has been open with you. If there is trust between you, don't focus on her intentions focus on his loyalty and ability to stay committed to you. Please try not to add this stress to the mix.

Every company has or should have a sexual harrassment policy. These extravagant gifts from superior to subordinant could be deemed inappropriate because your husband is uncomfortable. It is up to him to deal with this or not.

You need a confidence boost in your relationship with your husband. Perhaps a date night or a few hours alone together once a week would help.

I wish you the best.

I don't think you're paranoid. You're a female on high alert for someone entering your territory! :-)

Yes the gifts seem a bit much. However, for the game tickets, since they were a Christmas gift, I can see it as being just a gift. My Dad worked for a company that did stuff like that. For the birthday, I agree that the jacket is a bit much. Something like a gift card to a nice restaurant would have been a better option.

You say that the boss has bought gifts for the other co-worker, but for her son, it could be that she is just passing down gifts from contracts or vendors since they all seem to be sports related.
M.

I completely agree with you. She is out of line in giving him gifts.
I think that you are handling this much better than I would.
I would just lose it on everyone.

I think that because he showed the gifts to you he is not trying to hide anything from you, and that shows that he is not doing anything wrong.

Is she married? As a woman she knows better. She knows that she would not want another woman buying gifts for her husband. : (

Ask your husband if you can talk to her,
very carefully
tell her that you both are so thankful for everything that she has done for you both and your family. Tell her that you don't want there to be any discomfort between you all, and that the gifts are wonderful but it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If someone ( you or your husband ) does not talk to her real soon then she might give him more gifts.

The reason why I think that it would be good for you to talk to her about this is that it will show her that he is talking to you and sharing this with you and so if she does have a thing for him she will stop and realize that he is taken and that he is not interested.

This is completely unfair to your husband and you and the beautiful life that you both are working on together. I am so sorry for the stress that this is putting on you.

Pray that the Lord will guide you through this.

I hope that your daughter is feeling better.

God Bless You All.

PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW THIS GOES.

You and your family are in my prayers. ♥

Well, one of two things:

1. She is a thoughtful gift giver who takes into consideration the interests of her subordinates

2. She has a thing for him

Do other employees get similar treatment? That would probably be the best indicator of whether it's #1 or #2.

Also, keep in mind that if you can trust your husband, it really doesn't matter, as long as his job security is not threatened.

My first thought is that he really likes the gifts and even if you say you are uncomfortable with him accepting them he's just going to keep doing it and just hide the gifts. You know what I mean, boys and their toys, thinking.

It sounds like your life is stressful enough without taking on another issue. I would be livid. I agree with the other poster who said find out what's going on with other eployees and see if she just doesn't have a moral compass and thinks this is okay to do. I find it too personal. Clothing is inappropriate as gifts to someone you are not related to. But as jacket is borderline "cothes". Like some boyfriends give their girlfriends a scarf or gloves for Christmas.

Hi J.,
I can see where you are concerned and since you say you are a sensitive person, the fact that your daughter has been ill might be heavily swaying your opinions in general. Question- if your husbands boss was a man would these gifts be an issue? Not sure what he does but if the boss is in a position that a man might usually be in, perhaps she is giving gifts she thinks a man would appropriatly give, because they are all sports related. Not like she gave him a gold watch. If she values him she might just want to show her appreciation and this recession is not allowing for big bonuses anymore. For my assistants birthday I gave her a $100 because I knew she wanted to buy something specific. I've had male assistants and have done the same with B days and Christmases. Since hubby is uncomfortable he should have said thanks but no thanks when he received the gifts, but now if he gives it back it's a little weird. Keep what he got and going forward when it's time for a Christmas gift or B day gift time he could mention before these events I really appreciated the gifts you bought me in the past but to be honest I felt they were too extravagant and it isn't necassary, appreciated but not necassary. My opinion. Best of luck and I hope your daughter is doing well.

I would be concerned if I were you also. Is there any way that your husband would agree with you not to accept anything further from his boss? Thats what I would suggest of him to do if I were you. Explain to him how this looks to you. If he says no, it doesn't seem as though he has the level of respect for you as he should.

It *could* be something, or it could just be good business. Especially in this climate where real money (raises, bonuses, etc.) are just not in the coporate structure right now, I know a LOT of bosses who are dipping into their personal accounts to give *token* "we appreciate you" gifts, because they can't afford raises. These token gifts are usually 200-500 dollars.

I don't think you are paranoid -- but I would be interested to know if this boss does give other employees the same treatment. Can you do some digging and find out? The gifts are pretty extravagant, no doubt.

If she is doling out the same gifts to her other employees, then it is fine. If not, trust your instincts.