Getting Ready in the Morning Is a Challenge

You completely described my morning. Welcome to the world of the self centered 4 year old. They live in their own little pink etherial bubble and really have no concept of time, and of course have zero time management skills. You can yell until you're blue in the face but will find that the next morning will be a repeat of the previous morning. Usually with something new added like, "I can't go unless I find my purple crayon to show Sarah!" So as you are trying to get them out the door they are one track minded thinking about the purple crayon to show Sarah. And you know that dang purple crayon that Sarah is supposed to see will end up on the car floor under the seat. It won't even make it to pre-school. Then the next morning they will remember the purple crayon as they are brushing their teeth and break out into spontaneous crying because Sarah didn't see the purple crayon and MOMMY WHERE IS IT!!!! with an accusatory tone as though you plotted for Sarah not to see the purple crayon.

Things will get better. I think. Not really sure, never been in this place before. With my 1 year old it won't be unchartered territory. But with my 4 year old we are both learning as we go.

Love her dearly, but she makes mommy want to call for an appointment with a therapist.

3 moms found this helpful

My 4 yo had a difficult time as well setting a routine. So what we ended up doing, with the preschool teachers help, was creating little photo books. I would take a picture of all the activities he needed to do in the morning right through until I took him to school, and then the teacher took pictures of him during various activities he did during his time there. Then we each created a little book that he could look at while at home and then at school. He kept that book with him all the time as he loved to look at the pictures of himself and talk about what he was doing. He was then "rewarded" if he did everything. it usually was an M&M or watching a favorite show after school. Something that he really wanted to do, but knew that he had to finish things in order to get the reward. It took a couple of weeks to get things rolling, but he is excellent now!! I hope this helps.

2 moms found this helpful

Use natural consequences.

Examples:
Tell her that if she doesn't begin to eat her breakfast within 2 minutes of you setting it down, you will take the plate away. If she doesn't finish eating her breakfast within 10 minutes, take the plate away and LET HER GO HUNGRY (that is a natural consequence). If you stick to your guns, she'll only test you once. Tell her ONCE, and follow through. She won't die if she goes hungry.

Same with getting dressed. If she doesn't get dressed within a certain amount of time, she's going to school in her PJs (send along clothes in a bag). If she won't put on her coat, send her outside without it (she'll put in on pretty quick beacuse it's cold out!). Tell her ONCE, and follow through. She won't die if she gets a little cold.

For potty time, if I suspect that no "work" is being done, or the work is done and the child is just sitting there, try turning off the lights and saying, "bye! we're leaving. Hope you can come with us!" (this works with my sister's kids :) After the 'gasp' I turn the lights back on, and pop my head in and say, again--"I'm leaving. You've got one minute to wipe and wash." Then when they come running out, I give them a big smile and say, "I'm so glad you're coming with me!" Again, tell her ONCE, and follow through. She won't die if the lights are turned off.

I never have to yell or punish, because natural consequences do that for me. I just reward and praise!

I've done this with a boy starting at age 3. Now he's just turned 5 and he's fast!

2 moms found this helpful

She is 4.5 years old. Why don't you do all this with her and make it fun. As far as wiping they are all the same at that age, you have to remind them. I must really stink for her to start her day with being yelled at. Find some patients with her she is only 4.5 years old. Maybe you can start just a little earlier in the morning, wake her up with tickles and singing. Make it fun getting dressed. I would have her get dressed before her breakfast. Instead of a discipline chart how about a REWARD chart. That just sounds better. A discipline chart does not sound like anything anyone would want. Not being mean but where is your fun spot with your daughter. I hope you work it all out and enjoy your mornings.

2 moms found this helpful

Been there, done that, still doing that. I have an almost ten-year-old daughter who is, I swear, the slowest moving person in the world. Has been that way since she was a baby. She has one speed, and that's slow. I remember being a drill sergeant when I had to get her ready for daycare and I had to get to work on time. Now I work at home as an editor, and I'm still a drill sergeant, getting her out of bed, dressed, fed, lunch made, supplements taken, on the bus for school when it comes.

It takes us about 15-20 min to get out of bed, after we have our hugs, hug the dog, hug the cat (it used to be 30 min, so we're improving). Then it's time to dress (she's been doing this herself the last two days. I'm actually shocked!), get something for breakfast. I usually make her lunch (she has food allergies/intolerances and usually takes her own lunch every day). Then it's a mad panic/dash to get dressed to go outside to wait for the bus. In all, it's a good hour of my "coach time" in the morning. We get up at 6 am; next year, she rides a different bus; then we'll have to get up at 5:30 am.

Oh, yeah. So many fun years, with more to come.

All I can say is that little by little (like I'm pulling a penny out of a wedgie), she gets a little better and a little faster. Some moms have told me that when she hits the teens and the pressure that goes with being a teen that she will "take it upon herself" to speed her own self up. I'm still waiting to see that. <g>

Been through the charts, her childhood specialist talks about this ALL THE TIME when she sees her (that my daughter has to take accoutability for herself and not rely on mom to do everything for her, to include motivating her), the threats, the punishments, the awards. Sigh. Nothing really works but saying, over and over again, that she has to become a big girl. That mom isn't going to call her twenty (or more) times a day when she gets to college to make sure she's up, that she's eaten, that she's gone to class, that her homework's done, etc., etc., ad nauseum. She hates when I talk to her like that/remind her, but I have seen a slight change this year (she's in 4th grade) in that she's finally starting to take more of an initiative, which means she must not like being constantly reminded.

I guess I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat and what I've tried to do to get the problem to go away. Which it never will; that's who my daughter is, and no one is ever going to change her. But, she can work on changing herself, if she wants to badly enough. I just keep pushing and reminding and cajoling and, little by little, I think it's starting to sink in.

I also keep reminding her that if she can't take care of herself and watch the time (she's awful about watching the clock) that she will have trouble keeping a job when she gets older, because companies could really care less why she's late in the morning, just that she's not there on time. She hates when I tell her that too, so like I said, it's up to her as to how she wants to live her life. I just tell her all the consequences. She's smart; she's starting to figure it out. One of the big ones I keep reminding her is that, once time is gone, it's gone forever. That one seems to be making the biggest dent in her understanding of why being slow is not the best thing to be.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

1 mom found this helpful

here are some great info from the Supernanny website. go to the website for a pdf of the chart that you can print off :)
http://www.supernanny.com/Reward-Charts/-/Get-up-and-go.aspx

How to use the Supernanny Get up and go Chart
1) Let the fun begin…
You’ll need a picture chart and your children. The chart – and you – are encouraging them to follow a structured morning routine, but with a bit of fun and reward added.

2) Fill in your children's names
The chart can be used for all the children in your family, with their names written down the side. Along the top, write or have a picture of all the key things you need your child to do in the morning. You’ll also need to have pictures of these.
Morning tasks
• Wash face
• Brush teeth
• Get dressed
• Make bed
• Put shoes on

3) A picture for each step…
Each time your child completes a task, he should stick the corresponding picture onto the chart. If you wanted to personalize the chart, you could even take photos of your child doing one of the steps, and use them as the pictures.

4) The importance of encouragement
Remember to praise and encourage your child as he completes the routine. Show him how happy you are that he made his bed or got dressed by himself. It doesn’t matter if he needs a bit of help, especially at the beginning – this is a learning process.

5) Responsibility is key
If your children are old enough, there’s no reason why they can’t take responsibility for washing their faces or getting dressed. This whole technique should make them feel older, and motivate them away from asking you to do everything for them. The Get Up and Go Chart teaches your child how to get ready for the day ahead – and that’s a very important skill.

Good Luck! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like you are writing about my life! I have a 2 year old sleepy head to deal with too. I am actually working on today, a Pictorial chart for our morning routine.
First a little background- my now five year old daughter has OCD (not diagnosed, but its apparent to the world). We struggle with change and unpretictable events. I find myself yelling alot when trying to get out the door and it only makes them move slower. Pictorial charts have worked WONDERS for us, beyond imagination! My son (2 1/2) who is very easy going loves them too. They keep the kids on track and puts them in "control" of the situation.
Anyway, if you would like, I can email you the chart that I make and you can try it as well. I am hoping the use of it along with a "treat" in the car for completing the list each day will encourage more cooperation from both kids. Not sure what the treat will be yet as I dont reward with candy, but maybe a fruit snack, or raisins, or something...

1 mom found this helpful

May I highly suggest Parenting with Love and Logic. It addresses this exact concern and I've used it for this same issue with my son (4) with great results. Give her small choices and natural consequences with a heavy dose of empathy. Example: "You've got 10 minutes in the bathroom, and then 5 minutes to get dressed. Here is the timer. You can go to preschool with your clothes on your body, or in a bag." If she doesn't get dressed in time? "What a bummer! I guess you're going with your clothes in a bag." Her clothes go in a bag, and she goes to school in her pajamas...even if that means she's kicking and screaming the entire way to the bus. One or two embarrassing mornings of riding the bus in her jammies will chage how she handles things.

If you focus on what she's doing right, and encourage that behavior, you'll see more of it. Ignore the stuff she's not doing (ie. stop the X's) and instead of giving X's, just don't give stars.

The Accountable Kids program is also a very good visual and tactile way for managing chores.

1 mom found this helpful

...and my son is 7 and I'm still his shadow in the mornings! When will it end? Grrrrrr.....

1 mom found this helpful

How about trying this...
1. Pack all bags/backpacks, etc. the night before.
2. When she goes into the bathroom, set a timer. Give her 10min to do what she has to do. Create a picture chart so that she can remember what all she needs to do. Potty (toilet), wipe (tp roll), wash (facet), brush teeth (toothbrush/paste), brush hair (comb).

M.

1 mom found this helpful

I have a painfully pokey 5 year old too. The only thing that has helped me is using a timer for each step of the way. The ECFE teacher told me to use an egg timer so they can see it ticking down but I think any ol timer would work.

When my son was that age, I too, would carry him downstairs and dress him. Brushing teeth and hair got skipped a lot of times so he wouldn't miss the bus. When he was in kindergarten, I had the teachers send him to the bathroom first thing because he would forget to go at home. In 1st grade, I still helped him dress but he could do more for himself, and I let him practice being more independant on weekends when we weren't in a hurry. Now in 2nd grade, we lay his clothes out the night before, and when the alarm goes off he gets himself dressed. I let him watch TV for 20 minutes during breakfast. It helps him sit still long enough to eat and acts like a timer. If he doesn't get dressed fast enough, he misses part of the show. And at the end of the show, he knows to get up and go to the bathroom. If he comes back quickly, he might get to watch a few minutes more.

Yup...sounds familiar. My daughter just turned 4 and we "battle" every day we have to go to school. By the time we're at preschool at 9 (actually later, because we are usually late every day) we have been through 15 power struggles and I am exhausted feeling like I've already put in a 10 hour day. Don't know the answers, but good luck. My older son is 8 and I remember going through the same thing with him at this age and he is now fine so I do know that this too shall pass, but I totally feel your pain with the frustration right now. Hang in there.

Have you heard of Love and Logic? It's a parenting technique that help you to use the right words and motivate your kids. It also help you to understand that parents can only control so much, most is up to the kids deciding to obey or not.

Here's what I would do: I would tell my child that I am sorry for asking her to do things so many times, like telling her over and over to get ready for schoo. Starting tomorrow, I will not be doing that. In the morning, I will tell you when it is time to wake-up (or set an alarm clock). You will need to go bathroom and get dressed when you wake up. If there is still time before school, I will fix you breakfast to eat at the table. If there is not time, you will be offered a breakfast for in the car (cereal bar, granola bar, pop-tart, banana, etc. and juice/water bottle). If you are still wearing your pajamas when it is time to leave for school, then that is what you will wear to school. I hope this helps our mornings to be more fun! Then follow thru. Your child is old enough and smart enough to complete these tasks. With no disrespect, I think you know that. I also think you are allowing her to bug you/get under your skin/irritate you by not obeying.

Before you do this, talk to your child's teacher to let her know what is going on at home. Ask her to support you by allowing your child to come in her pajamas if necessary. Ask her to also make a small comment about it ("Oh, you are still wearing your pajamas today. That is so sad."), and then to move on, not making a huge issue out of it or embarrassing her. A day or 2 of that will get her motivated to wear clothes like the rest of her friends and to start listening to what you say the first time! Good luck and hang in there!

Oh No! I think maybe I have been lax with my 4 1/2 year old because I don't even bother trying to get him to help me with the getting ready tasks. Your message was a good reminder for me because he'll be in kindergarten in the fall and probably needs to be a lot better about taking care of his own stuff. For now, I literally carry him out of bed and plunk him down for breakfast, then I escort him to the potty, then I give him the toothbrush (which quickly ends in me doing it myself), and finally, I get him dressed. I think the only thing I leave in his hands is getting his coat and mittens and hat on and that only works because I make sure it is right where it is supposed to be.

One question I had for you...Are you in the bathroom getting yourself ready? If so, maybe your daughter thinks you are hanging out together and that's my she doesn't wanna get off the potty.

Oh boy, your issue made me realize that I have my own issue. I don't have any suggestions, because apparently I'm behind in what I should be having my 4 year old do for herself. I still help her get dressed because she says she can't do it by herself (putting on and taking off shirts are the hardest for her). I still brush her teeth (I let her do it first, but then I do it afterwards so that it is done correctly). So, essentially she could not get ready for preschool by herself even if I wanted her to. I need to get tough on her :(

My son is 5 and I still have to stay at his side assisting him to get ready. Every step of the way. I just don't think they are quite old enough for independence to get themselves together in the morning. Just my thoughts.

OMG, I could have totally written this post! My daughter is now 5 1/2 and it is gradually getting better, but it has been going on for "forever". Absolutely NO sense of urgency to get ready in a timely manner in the morning. Sticker charts would work for about a day or two and then she wouldn't care about stickers anymore. Now, if she goes the whole week she gets to pick out of our prize bin, but I have been very lenient so far for the sake of keeping it going b/c she is doing better. I'm curious what your other posters have said. Good Luck! FOLLOW UP THOUGHT on all the posts about the natural consequences of going to school in pjs--my daughter would love nothing more than to go to school in pjs, so that is not an option!

I used to get my kids dressed in the mornings, through kindergarten. In first grade they started to do it themselves. I'd go in, snuggle for a few minutes, and then start peeling off their pj's and sliding on the jeans and tshirts. Then they came down to breakfast with me. We've never had a real problem with them being too slow in the mornings, maybe because we had a structured routine that we followed, and we've only slowly handed over more and more responsibility to them.

As for the bathroom, could you get her a timer? She could have it in there with her, and you could tell her that when ten minutes is up, and the timer dings, she needs to be out of there?

Have you tried to make a game out of it? To see who can get ready first or if she can do such and such faster than you can do something on your list to get ready in the morning. Sometimese making it fun can help.

This could have been my post last week- it's a little different but the underlying issue of the 4.5 yo is the same- dillly dallying in the morning or whenever we are trying to leave. The advice I got was fantastic!

Without living in your home and seeing your routine, it is hard to say what is truly yelling at her and what is you getting frustrated and feeling like you are yelling- I get that part. Have you told her what she needs to do next? I.e. "Daughter, you need to wipe so you can get your hair brushed and teeth brushed".

The part I always struggled with was how to change the pattern because to motivate my son, the reward or punishment needed to be immediate and with us trying to get out the door to school- there is no time for immediate reward or punishment.

We have started natural consequences- so in this instance, if your daughter took too long on the pot you might get her hands washed and her teeth brushed but you might leave without her hair brushed. If she doesn't have a coat or shoes on, she might show up without them on. We have had amazing results....the other thing is, as you already know, it is amazing how much they can do when you empower them to do things themselves.
It seems the more we yell at our son, the more he doesn't believe he is capable and he doesn't do it.

Have you tried giving her a tiny piece of chocolate or something as an award for doing a good job in the morning, Maybe the discipline chart is to far out in the future for a 4 year old?

First of all, stop telling her over and over. We are going through similar issues with my soon to be 4 yo son and I realized that the more I repeat myself the less he listens on the first try. He just figures I'll say it again. I think the discipline chart is good. Are you being consistent with it? Or are you waiting to use it until after you've said something a dozen times. Also, have you tried moving breakfast until after everything else is done? We have to leave the house REALLY early on Sundays because I work at church and my kids were taking forever to eat and then they were behind on everything else after that. When I moved breakfast to the end of the morning they got up and got ready really quickly, then had breakfast and still had time to spare. Finally, have you tried natural consequences like missing school or going in PJs because she didn't get dressed in time? I don't know if any of these will work, but some ideas to try maybe. Good luck!

This is very normal behavior and I would not discipline or punish her for it. That will just make mornings and school a bad thing, and you've got many years of school mornings to go! My daughter is almost 8 and some mornings are still like this. Kids do not have a sense of time (us grown-ups made that one up).

She likely doesn't care if she misses school. Does she like it there? If so, I would remind her of the fun things she's going to do there. The only way she will be self-motivated is by wanting the do the next thing - discipline AND planned rewards take away our kids' ingrained motivation (read "Drive" by Daniel Pink for an in-depth look at what we do that takes away our childrens' natural motivation). Make up songs or games about the steps that are needed to get ready.