Getting My Preschooler to Go to Bed!

Choose your battles carefully and once you do, be sure to win the ones you choose to fight. This is one you need to win. Your daughter needs to know you are in charge and you are the boss. It doesn't do her any good to "let her have her way". I'm sure that the coming of another child is part of the reason for her behavior, but that doesn't negate the need to win this control battle. Does she still nap at all during the day? What time does she get up in the morning? Perhaps she is overtired... sleep begets sleep, so possibly an earlier bedtime might help. Also, if she's not naping anymore, perhaps she needs a little "quiet time" (sleep) during the day. This could even be on mommy's bed or the sofa in the living room. It's not presented as a "nap" to her (the big girl) but a rest.

The other thing is to put a gate up in her door so you can hear her, but she can't get out. Establish a VERY consistent nighttime routine and stick to it. We do pj's, teeth, story in the rocking chair, prayers in the rocking chair and a little dim-light rocking (NOT TO SLEEP! It then becomes a sleep crutch). Then put her in her bed, say goodnight, and walk out. DO NOT GO BACK IN!!! Even if she's throwing a tantrum and pulling every book and toy off her shelves and out of the toybox etc. (my now 13 y/o son did this). Going back in re-inforces the behavior. Shut the door and grit your teeth and ride out the storm. IT WILL BE HARD!!!! But she needs to know you mean business. It might take one night, it might take a week, but I guarantee you'll want this matter taken care of before baby comes.

As for baby, if you are not familiar with scheduling feedings (waking the baby to eat if necessary) and putting your infant down for naps awake (so they learn to fall asleep on their own) I would HIGHLY recommend reading "Parent Controlled Feeding" by the Ezzo's or "Babywise" which is by the Ezzo's as well. I demand fed my first child (the 13 y/o) and schedule fed my other 2 and I can tell you from firsthand experience, it made all the difference in the world. I had ENORMOUS bedtime fights with my eldest, but the other 2 have been sleeping through the night since 8 weeks old and we have never had a bedtime or naptime fight or even struggle for that matter. They even share a room, and we have no trouble!! They are a 2 y/0 boy and a 4 y/o girl, who DEFINATELY know how to fight with eachother, but sleeping is not a problem! Hmmm, maybe when they fight with eachother I should put them in their room and let them duke it out!

Well, I have written a book here, but I feel so strongly because I have had both experiences and I feel that Parent Controlled Feeding leads to Parent Controlled living, and isn't that what it's supposed to be? We are to RAISE our children, and so many people just let their kids grow up. When we became mothers, we didn't stop being wives, daughters, sisters, friends, neighbors...how can we do all those things if the children rule the roost! Kids need (even want) our control. Nip the control thing in the bud now and just think how much easier the teen years will be (again, I can speak from experience here...). Hope this helped!!!

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter slept tons better when she moved into a full size bed. Apparently she needed the room! Also, initially when I had to lay down with her to fal asleep, it was much more comfy for both of us.

Good luck!

Hi P.,

My son had several behaviors that were challenging to say the least. One of which was that he would not go to his room to go to bed. I let him fall asleep in front of the TV and then carried him to his bed.

Because of his challenging behaviors, I actually enrolled the two of us in Tuesday's Child, it is billed as a toddler management program, however, it really teaches parents how to change their behavior so the children will automatically change theirs.

To get my son to go to bed, I used the following routine:

We would go through the bedtime routine, bath, brush and I would read him a story while he was in bed. When the story was over, I would simply kiss him good night and say I'll see you in the morning. I would walk out of the room and he would immediately follow me. I was told to simply lead him back into bed without saying anything and leave the room. I was also told to jot down how many times he got up. The first night I implented this routine, my son got up 30 times. I thought I was going to pull my hair out and I really thought...this is just stupid. About the 29th time I took him back to bed, I did say, Chris, it is bedtime, I will talk with you again in the morning. Finally, he stayed in bed...I thought this is absolutely ridiculous, I am not going to go through this every night. I had been assured by Tuesday's Child that this would work if I committed to it...so I did. The second night, Chris got up 8 times...MUCH BETTER THAN 30x the night before. The third night he got up 3 times and after the 3rd night, he never got up again, I was able to read him a story, say goodnight and leave the room and he would go to sleep. This was around 8pm every night.

Good Luck!

J. Penfield
www.juliepenfield.com
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P.,

I'd swear I was reading about my three year old! My son had been doing the same exact thing! He quit taking naps so I know that he's tired but he just didn't want to go to bed in his room.

We talked with him and asked why and he indicated all sorts of reasons; "afraid of the dark, cuz, I just don't want too," etc.

In the last week, I've done the following:

First, I leave the closet light on with the doors halfway open so the room is dimly lit. Secondly, either I or my husband will lie with him until he settles down. However, I tell him that if he doesn't lie still and try to fall asleep that I will have leave him alone. Because he is so tired, he begins to nod off after about five minutes. I get up before he is completely asleep and tell him that I'll be back. He's so relaxed at this point that he's good about it. Of course I do come back about 20 minutes later to check on him so that I stick with what I said!

We've been doing that for about a week and then for the last two nights I've changed it a little. After he gets into bed, I tuck him in, etc. and then tell him that I'll be back in a little bit to check on him and that if he's still awake, then I'll lie with him. Closet light is still on too. I wait about 15 minutes and then go in. He's been fast asleep!! Hopefully this will continue.

One thought...Perhaps your daughter is feeling anxious about the new baby coming and is "regressing" to ensure that she will still be the focus of attention. Talk with her about it.
I find that probing a little to find out just what he's thinking and feeling and then talking about it really helps.

I hope my input is helpful. God knows we're all just learning as we go! Good luck to you!

T.

Hi P.,

I think that this is a phase most kids go through. My daughter is 4 and it has been a battle since she was 2. They get more creative as they get older to avoid going to bed! I stopped her naps at 2 and this seemed to help. Also I did the bath /shower at night before bed and read a few stories. She has a fear of the dark so I have a night light in her room as well. She is also allowed to have as many friends as she can fit in her bed for comfort. I try to make sure about an hour before bed we start doing quit stuff like reading stories. There are a ton of books about going to bed. Also when she gets out I make her go right back unless of course she needs to use the potty. After potty it's bed. She also likes to get out of bed and just start talking to me. It sometimes can take three or four time of picking her up and taking her back to bed before she gets the idea. I got in the habit of refusing to let her sleep with me. It just takes being consistant always return them to their own bed. I also praise my daughte still when she sleeps all night in her own bed. In a way getting them to sleep in their beds is like potty training and can be crazy. She is four now and it seems to happen only once a week now that she gets out. Hang in ther and be consistant always return them to their own bed.

first off.. hang in there.. my third, is three 1/2..and we all have our struggles.. trust me!!!
Routine.. routine, routine...maybe if you lay down with her.. ON the floor!~or by the door... sit and sing or tell her a story.. or music.. to listen to...and then say you will be in the hall way.. and you must stay there until she falls asleep the first couple of times, and slowly further and further...

I did this with my older two, when they were 3 and 2 and seperated for the first time~going to their own rooms... soo i slept in the hall while being pregnant.. for months. and yes fell asleep myself many nites..(my husband was on the road)so not alot of eve help.. had to do it, for some type of sanity..and the routine..schedule is soo important!(we dont have much during the day.. but our evenings are totalt routine, even now, with my 9 and 8 year old!!~~ its ok.. all go, listen and fall asleep..

hi,

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Sleep Training Department
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Is she still taking naps? I had that issue with my toddler, and finally a friend suggested that maybe it was time to give up her nap. I had thought of that issue months prior, but then forgot, and got so focused on the sleep issues that I didn't think of the nap thing.

Simply:
Set a routine that works for everyone. Don't make bedtime so early that it feels like punishment. Choose an hour that is easy to maintain daily - if you have events to attend or family to visit and you deviate from the routine, thats not a problem but get right back into it the next day.

My soon to be 3 year old son goes through this off and on and lately what seems to be working is for us to be FIRM with him.
I do the pre-bath video, the bath, the pajama time, the books, some water, toilet time and right into bed while I read 3 of his books (his choice, but only 3 stories each night). I have a small battery operated lantern that he keeps by his side. I let him keep it on (its battery operated and safe). I also have an air cleaner that helps him sleep (the white noise) and I say whatever it takes to let him know "I'm leaving the room and it's time for bed". Sometimes I use those words exactly. Try using a black out shade - sometimes even a crack of daylight is a temptation.

If/when she ventures out - nip it in the bud - reach her BEFORE she leaves her bedroom. Calmly and firmly tell her "it's o.k. for you to sleep in your own bed." or something reassuring that tells her SHE'S making the right choice by staying in her bed.

If all else fails (and this worked a few times): I found "Dora" Cereal on sale and I bought a box. The morning after he slept in his own bed, right before breakfast we told him that BENNY THE BULL came over in the middle of the night to drop off the cereal because he (my son) had done a great job for sleeping in his own bed! So Dora and Benny thought he deserved a "special treat". It worked like a charm. He was soooo pleased and was excited about sleeping in his own bed for a few nights after that.

It doesnt solve EVERYTHING but getting her to sleep in her bed more often than not will help her stay in it, in the long run.

Good Luck, mama!

My daughter was similar to yours. What really helped us was getting her her own "big girl" bed (a regular sized twin). It may sound strange but it worked. And they do have very cute bedding for twin size beds. Good luck, L.

Hi P.,

We are in similar situations. My daughter is transitioning into a toddler bed tomorrow and we are expecting some fireworks!! I am also a working mom and know that life becomes increasingly stressful when you and your child are not well rested!!!!!!

My feedback is, gate her in her room (place gate on outside of her room) and do not go in there unless you know there is an emergency. She can move about in her room and if scared, turn the lights on but she is forced to respond to your boundaries: bedtime is bedtime). You want her to soothe herself and it may take a while but if you continually go in there, you only strengthen her resistance. She is also probably becoming overtired from not getting neough sleep. As hard as it is to hear your child cry, you will help her get over this hump by not going in there. She may also be reacting to your pregnancy as toddlers are very attuned to things, especially changes (we are expecting a baby in December and out daughter is resisting potty training and we anticipate this with her transition out of her crib).

Let me know how things go!!!

M.

Hi P.,

Do you really dislike that she falls asleep in your bed? Perhaps she just wants to be close to you (can you blame her :)
My advice is to love her up while she's so tiny and adorable because when she's 16 you'll wish she had 5 minutes for you!

If you need help relaxing her, I have found that a dose of Hyland's Calm Forte (Fruitful Yield, Whole Foods, Meier) given 1/2 hour before bedtime really helps my 2 1/2 year old drift off calmly to sleep. It's homeopathic and has NO SIDE EFFECTS.
It just like having her drink Chammomile tea.

Also, perhaps she needs to go to bed earlier- sounds like she's already overtired at 9. Sounds crazy but ever since I put my son bed 2 hours earlier than his 10pm bedtime he sleeps longer and more peacefully.

Do you have someone that can help you put her to bed for a few days to start a new schedule?
I have had Nonna change our little guy's bedtime for us. He's less resistant to her and once he got used to go to bed earlier 2-3 nights we were able to do it ourselves.

Good luck P.,

M.

I have the same problem with my 2 1/2 year old son. He has been in a twin size bed since he was 14 months old. His baby sister needed the crib.. He goes back and forth with going to bed real good for about 2 weeks and then BAM - won't go to sleep for nothing. It has gotten to the point that we just let him cry til he falls asleep. Sometimes he'll wake up and climb into bed with us. I usually just let him stay there then. I'm to tired come that point. It will eventually come to an end when they get so exhausted. I do also have a TV for movies in his room as well. Just don't put in her favorite movie.

My son has trouble staying in bed,too. Has her nap schedule changed any? She may be getting too long of a nap during the day and this makes it more difficult for her to sleep at night. Not everyone agrees with this but my kids have a TV in their room. No cable hooked up,it is only for videos. I put in a relaxing video and he usually falls asleep to this. It doesn't always work but it ususally at least helps. Once they are laying down and have slowed down enough to realize they are tired they will fall asleep. Hope this helps! Good luck and congratulations on the new one on the way.

A Little about me:

Stay at home mom of 3 boys 10,7,4. Very active boys!!!

We had the same problem with our daughter. If you don't want her in your bed, I would stop that because she will just want it every night from now on. If you don't care that she is in your bed then I wouldn't worry about it. This is what we did. We made a sticker chart that explained the rules of going to bed and staying in bed all night. When she got three stickers in a row, she could get a toy of her choice the next day. Then after she received the toy, it would be taken away when she broke the rules. We found when we would just threaten to take it away, she would go right to sleep and stay asleep.

P.-

I am having the same problem with my son- He is 2 1/2- He refuses to go to bed by himself! I have to actually lay down with him in his bed until he drifts off. It is so very trying EVERYDAY! I am going to take the advice of Laura- At this point I am willing to try anything-

Good luck to you- Wish me luck as well :)