Getting Help from My Husband

Hi K.,

I'm going in a slightly different direction here. Your kids are 11 months apart! That, in and of itself, is a HUGE challenge. Even if you were home all day and he was working out of the house and helpful, that would be hard. I have two who are 15 months apart and that first year with two was...well, I cried alot! NOW it's so easy because they're the best of friends and entertain each other so I can get things done. The problem as I see it is that you have two babies who need you at the same time that your house and your tummy need you. (Fixing dinner, etc.) Add Mommy Guilt in there and you're sunk...and feeling alone. All I can tell you is that it will get better and to please hang in there. That first two years with ONE is tough...with TWO...well...it will get better K.. You're doing a terrific job.
As for your hubby. Mine started helping more with the more praise he got. It was like dealing with a kid. 'HONEY! I can't tell you how much I appreciate you getting the mail. I wasn't going to have time to go and do that. You saved me so much time. Thank you!' Next time he got the mail AND threw away the junk. Now he's doing the bills (instead of me)! Same thing with the dishes. I started with "You brought your dish in the kitchen? Aren't you sweet? Thank you babe." Now he loads the dishwasher. It takes time and PATIENCE. Again...hang in there.

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I know this senario. My children were 18 mos apart. I did all the work including mowing the yard and washing the car so when we got divorced and I went back to work full time it was just the same without a man's clothes to wash. I think you need to just think about the things he does do in a possitive way. No not dwell on what he does not do. I worked retail for 5 yrs raising a 5 yr old granddaughter alone and I was so tired all the time. My feet would sting, all week end. I went to College online for a yr. I worked three jobs handled a home and two young children. My ex was a slob. He left clothes everywhere. I was a neat nick. So you can love him the way he is as he will not change and dwell on the negatives that you need help or tell him you really need help and get a housecleaner or babysitter and go play bunco one night a month to enjoy women and give him the kids for that night. Release in excersize or bunco or something and give him responsibilty at least one night a month or week. Make sure you are just out. If you tell yourself you are miserable you will be. If you enjoy the man and love his good traits you will accept more love and understanding. Some week ends if I work hard I just can not get enough sleep. I however did not go back to work until my children were sleeping through the night. Action follows what we think. Change what you are thinking and you can change your life. G. W

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Hi K.. I didn't have time to read all your posts, so I hope I am not repeating something someone has already said. My husband is a field diesel mechanic for Catapillar and his job is high stress, physically demanding, and down right dangerous. He works anywhere from 50-75 hours per week. If he doesn't get enough sleep, it could cost him his life. I don't think, as women, we have any idea what it is like to put our life on the line on a daily basis. When I get frustrated with him, I think back to this concept. I also think of the fact that I am not attracted to a man who puts on pleated pants and penny loafers and sits at a desk. Doesn't sound like you are either. Also, your kiddos are at high maintenance ages right now. It won't always be this tough, in fact savor it, the next thing you know, they will be in 3rd grade. I think you should follow the advice about talking this over with him. If I were you, I would get a sitter and create a situation where he is "all ears" if you catch my drift. Lift him up with honor before you tell him what he is doing wrong. Start out like, "I love you so much, you work hard for our security and I appreciate it. I need to let you know how I have been feeling lately so we can come up with a plan to fix it." Let him be your hero, he really wants to be. Also I think you should cut your hours back to part time or quit all together. When you are "putting the pencil to it," don't forget the less obvious things like convenience foods, your clothes, nails, and hair cuts. I am positive that you will come out better if you don't work. Also, it is really tough to put a price on your quality of life. I promise, you will be so much happier if you get to stay home. In turn, he will probably be happier too and sleep less. Last but not least, some people require more, or less, sleep than others. My husband can get by on 6-7 hours and I need more like 8-10. So, just respect the differences between the two of you and love him for who he is. Hope this helps.

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Hi K.,

You are living the life of about 50% or more of the american women.....not that I think that makes it any easier for you but it does help in knowing there is a big support group of women who are just as overwhelmed as you are.

To be honest, when I read your note about what your husband does, his commute, and how many days a week he works, I have to tell you I honestly don't think you are as tired as he is. You may think you are because you are angry that you have to do everything around the house and with the kids BUT your job does not require physical labor all day (you are an assistant, which I was for over twelve years so I am pretty sure you are sitting at a desk for a good portion of the day using your brain), you do not have three hours worth of commuting every day, you are not working at a job that causes you to exhaust EVERY MUSCLE in your body EVERY SINGLE DAY, and I would bet you have almost every (if not all) of your weekends off.

I don't mean to sound rude or callous about your situation but I think it is time for you to start understanding the sacrifice your husband is making to his health in order for your family to have what they have. Yes, you make sacrifices too but you can actually function when you get home. Your husband can't....it sounds to me like he is completely exhausted to the point of not even being able to stay up to spend time with his family. He obviously feels extremely guilty about this, hence the reason for the gifts and flower every few weeks with the note telling you how much he appreciates you (most women would give their right arm to hear their man say that!!). It is obvious to me that he is trying to please you because he loves you. To the point that, even through his exhaustion, he has helped you every once in a while with the house and the kids! Do you not see how much of a sacrifice those times must have been for him? Do you not see the danger he could have been in at work because his body did not get the rest it needed?

I hate to say it but I have a bad feeling that you being upset with him about everything is probably driving him to depression. He is working his rear end off for YOU and your kids and all you can do is complain.

If I were you, I'd go in there and give him a big hug and thank him for the hard work HE does for your family. Sometimes a little encouragement goes a long way at helping an exhausted man function....it sounds to me like he deserves some encouragement!

You will live through the tiredness you are experiencing right now and in a few years your children won't need so much assistance and things will get much easier for you. As your life gets easier, your husband's will still be just as rough as long as he is at this job and especially while he faces your disdain.

Pick your chin up and just be grateful for what little he is able to offer you right now. You could be single and struggling to pay the bills on your own and be just as busy as your are now!

Sorry to be so straight forward but my intentions are good ones. Looking at the situation differently can be good for you and help you to see that things are not as bad for you as you think they are.

Take care,
J.

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talk to anyone about that line of work and you'll probably get the same response. it's freaking hard! and i bet not only is he is physically exhausted but he's probably depressed that he's missing out on so much. the only question i see you have to ask yourself is would i rather have my possesions or my husband? pick up a book by suze orman if your answer is time with your husband. downgrade house, car, utilities, entertainment, etc.. and then you guys can afford to get him into a better suited job.

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He has 10 hours at home, including sleeping eating and chores. Do you get up to see him off? Do you fall asleep afterward?

1. Does he snore. If he does, has he been checked for apnea? If that is a part of his issue, a CPAP machine will let him get twice as much rest with his sleep. I speak from husband experience.

2. Can you afford to have someone help you? i.e. can you hire someone to come in once a week and clean the house?

3. Get friendly with your slow cooker. There is very little that one can make in an oven and not a slow cooker. Lasagna, pot roast - which can work three nights, pot roast, bbq, and burritoes, Red beans and rice, chicken and rice, chicken and dumplings...

Please don't think I'm saying your husband shouldn't help. Believe me - as a mom, I know I start work from the minute I open my eyes until I go back to bed. And even then, it's a 24 hour on call job. I'm just saying that if you want 4 years to become 10 - get used to the fact that you're going to do 80% of home and family. You may also find it helpful to have your husband do certain chores that he doesn't object to. Examples include: Loading and unloading the dishwasher. Sorting the laundry. Putting up the laundry.
Watching the kids for 30 minutes when you get home so that you can put dinner together. Running the vacuum twice a week (or how ever often you need to, especially with a crawler - but pick days).

Talk it over without any YOU always or YOU never statements and agree on some things that won't take more than 20 minutes total without kids.

The reason I suggest such specifics is the fact that 1. He is used to knowing what is expected of him at his job. 2. If it isn't done, wake him up - or interrupt his tv time - and remind him to do it. If necessary, do it every 10 minutes until it gets done. If you are reasonable in your requests, NICE about it, and consistent... it will only take a month.

You might also look at downsizing your standard of living. My husband and I live on 2,000 a month (take home) with 2 full time kids and 2 stepchildren. If you moved closer to his job and found a part time job - perhaps even doing what you are now - you would both have more time with the kids and with each other... with the cut in gasoline costs he might even be able to take a day off a week.

(I couldn't stay home. I tried very hard - it just wasn't for me, and living on $1000 a month is darn near impossible. Working part time rocks, though - despite the fact that I had to give up a big house and a new car.)

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Dear K.:

My husband doesn't have the commute and physically damanding job yours does, but still our arrangement with our daughter was whoever got off work first picked her up from daycare, (frequently it was him.) He also took over giving her a bath. It seemed to help us having him take over a specific task rather than just helping me with something. If it's his job it got done, if it was help me out, it was when I asked or, like you found, for only a couple of days.

Sit down on a weekend, maybe get somebody to watch the kids and draw up a list of chores and how they get split. Get this figured out now because once they get older you're still busy trying to get them where they need to go and attend their events!

L. F., married to a great guy and have an almost 13-year-old daughter.

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Sounds like you are both exhausted. He works 7 days a week? No days off? Not much of a life. I'd seriously consider putting an ad in the paper for part time help around the house. A high schooler or college kid that needs some extra money really may fix a big part of your problems. I don't think you are mad at him, probably just the situation and it's hard not to take it out on him, but really, working 7 days a week and then being expected to basically work a second job? I know you feel like you're doing that (working 2 jobs), but at least you get days off. Is there no way to cut back in the budget and you work less? I just feel for you and think there are always crafty ways to handle things like this, you just have to get creative. He sounds like a good guy and you both just sound tired! I hope you get some good ideas!

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Hi - I know the frustration can get overwhelming,but I have been married for 10 years and in my experience Men don't change. I suggest the following ideas. They don't work all the time so use them when you need.

To relieve the stress of having to cook dinner every night either make several casseroles on the day off and freeze them. Then you pop them in the over for ~ 30min and while they are cooking you can do the kid time.

When you all are done eating dinner - flip a coin for who does dishes and who does kids baths. this gets hubbies competitive nature involved.

I wouldn't worry about the napping until you get home - maybe he needs it to recover.

Then set a timer for 10min and that is all the time you give the BOTH of you to straighten up the house.

Trust me the world will not stop if the house is not clean before you go to bed - just make sure the dishes are done or loaded and you are golden.

I had 2 kids 14 mo apart so everything else got but lower on the list.

When you get home from a really rough day - in a nice voice NOT a nagging one ask hubby if he do the night shift with the baby. When the first wake up time comes - gently wake up hubby and tell him you appreciate it then go back to sleep. if the second wake up comes you make the call either wake him up or do it yourself..

Good Luck

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I think the whole adivce of not dwelling on what he doesn't do, but what is does is great advice and all.....BUT.......

Goodness, you work just as long as he does....PLUS double duty at home. My husband was doing the same thing (and I have 6 kids all one year apart or closer), I finally sat him down and said...look, I know you are tired, but no more than I. I know you get up before me but I am up till 1am trying to clean the house and get ready for the next day, so in actually I AM the one with the less sleep. I know you need your sleep, but I require your help and it needs to start happening now. BE AS PLAIN AND DIRECT AS YOU CAN BE!

I then told my husband that if he would just help me out earlier in the evening and get the kids to bed, then he could be in bed around 8:30- 9pm if that's what he wanted. But he had to give me a couple hours of good honest help before that happened, or I was going to be burnt out and collasp.

It helped, but he does start slacking off once in a while and I just tell him directly (in a nice tone, you don't have to be mean)that he is slacking off and that you don't have the energy, time, or means to be picking up his slack right now.

I believe parenting and housework should be a 50/50 partnership....even if you are stay at home mom. Heck you don't make the mess by yourself, so why should you be the only one that cleans it. NOPE! He put that ring on my finger and promised to support me...and that isn't only by monetary means.

ALSO, if he is that tired with all that sleep (and that's A LOT of sleep) then he needs to get to the doctor and see why he is so tired. Iron levels, thyroid, B12 deficiency...whatever, he needs checked out.

Anyhow, be direct and honest with him....repeatedly if need be.

Best of luck! ANd get some rest yourself!

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K.,

It sounds like your kids need a mommy and your husband needs a wife. I believe that everything would be in balance if you could find a way to be those things to your family by being home. Is there any way possible to make cuts in order to do that? Your family is precious and they will all gain so much if you could stay at home. Maybe even babysit for some extra income if necessary. The cost of daycare would be eliminated and the stress you carry would be alleviated. I chose to give up my career and stay at home; although we live paycheck to paycheck, having my family in balance is priceless. I can't think of anything more valuable! They are such a blessing! Even if it would mean a cheaper home, car, clothing, etc. That stuff won't matter in 10 years anyway. The nurturing and love will, though.

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The answer for this is quite easy in my opinion. I only pray that you see it that way.
Your husband is tired. Can you blame him? he is driving 3 hours a day to get to a job where he can make money to take care of his family. If he does not get enough rest, he can sleep on the wheel and then you will not even have him to sleep on the couch right?
Also your poor kids are being raised by the daycare. Not only is your husband missing the precious moments. You are missing them too. 20 months and 9 months? Do you have the time to play silly mommy games or sexy wife games after such a long day? I do not think so. And this leaves everyone including you sought of frustrated right?
Well I have the answer for you.

Quit your job and move closer to your husband's job. Tell him honey I will do the budget, we can downsize our living, I will stay home with our precious little ones and you can financially support us. Promise you will give him a good time when he comes home from his job which will be 15 to 20 minutes away. This will give all of you the chance to be a family again. Less stress and frustration for everyone. Most of all, you will have happier kids, happy helpful husband, well kept HOME(not house) and a very happy and sexy wife.

See.
Goodluck
A.

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My husband works in the oil industry as well. He is gone for days at a time. When he is home his is resting and laid back. I know how you feel. I am a full-time Mom and Dad when he is out on a job. I can only tell you that you need to tell him what you need. I try not to nag my husband but sometimes I do. When I need time to myself I just tell my husband. Take a deep breath and just ask him for help. Men don't seem to notice when we are overloaded. They usually have no clue. I don't mean that in a mean way. My husband will help me if I ask him. I also make sure that I thank him. It really makes a difference. Try to have some couple time also. That will make you both feel more connected and he may want to help you more. Hang in there and breath!

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My husband is a police officer and works 10am to 8pm. He is very helpful around the house as long as I give him something to do. I'll leave little notes around the house asking him to do something so it doesn't seem like I'm nagging him. I'll leave notes on the bathroom mirror "please fold the laundry in the dryer" or "will you please feed the dogs I didn't have time to do it." I get really good response from him with this and he's actually just started doing some stuff on his own. I came home last friday and my car (I had taken his)was shining in the driveway and the inside was even done. I couldn't believe it!!

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that life has given you a very challenging routine to keep up with. My husband works full-time M-F from 7am to 6pm daily and then he is in law school at nite. I have two kids, Joey is 4.5 years old and Tessa is 8 months old. He has been in school since Joey was born and it is very hard to do everything alone. Sometimes he travels for work a week or two weeks and I'm left as a single parent. The advice I can give is that it's all temporary. You do what you can to keep everyone bathed, fed, and healthy. But you should come first. I've found that my son loves to read and draw and my daughter loves to play with tupperware. I've set time aside for them to do these activities before dinner so I can cook without them begging and crying for me. Meals ahead...planning an hour on the weekend to plan means and pre=cook has helped me in the past. I hope some of this advice helps...I wish I could offer more. Maybe there is a local mom's support group that could help you swap evenings to make dinner...or take the kids for a night so you can rest. email me if you need to talk. ____@____.com

Hmmmmm, sounds like were married to the same man. Good luck.

K.,

I agree with most of what has been said... that you need to have a heart to heart with your husband (maybe even a chores chart that defines who does what around the house). But I wanted to add one more thing. When I worked full-time in CA, my commute could be 45 min or longer depending on traffic. Sitting in a car drains you more than people realize. Have you thought about moving closer to your husbands work (or is it transient so that it always changes?). If it isn't transient, then I would consider moving closer. I know that is a big step in this market but for both of your peace of minds, it may be something to think about. Good luck.

K., been there, done that! It is so frustrating and it makes you feel hopeless!

My husband does physical labor during the day and we have gone through what you are going through now. The hours weren't quite so crazy, but the base of the story is there.

First of all, I have sat down, kidless, with my husband and had a non-accusatory, non-emotional discussion with him about things. All kinds of things. And I brought up how much I appreciate it when he helps with things. We discussed my attitude both when he helps and when he doesn't, and we discovered that I was pretty critical about how he did things (ouch) and this made him feel like he was wasting his effort. We also discussed what life would be like if something happened to me and I weren't here. What we both got from that talk was a renewed respect for each other. Also, I specified what I could use his help with and asked him not to give me a hard time when I ask him for these things and he agreed that he wouldn't.

Is my house paradise? No way, BUT, every day my husband does something to help me, and every day I thank him for being here and pitching in. And it doesn't have to be perfect.

That's just our story. I hope you are able to glean some encouragement and advice from these responders and connect with your husband about this. I really wish you all the best, K.! Let us know what you do and how it goes!

Okay well I have several suggestions and by the way bless your and your husbands hearts for working so hard to give your children a good life, but remember it is not always about the stuff you can give your children it is about the "YOU" you can give them and that will become more important to them as they grow older and become teens.
Let me say this, yes what your husband does is very hard work and getting up at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning makes it even harder on his body. Sleeping that much is a sign of sleep deprivation, he needs to get on a real good schedule. Maybe he should try going to sleep at 9:00pm when the kids do and then he will have had more sleep before he wakes up so early. Then if he is still tired when he gets home he should really only take an hour nap at the most, anything over that is counter productive in the sleep loss department. If he only took an hour nap, then he could pick up the kids and have the benefit of spending some quality time with them by himself(unless he is afraid to be alone with both children). This would also take that off you shoulders and give you a little bit more time at home with all of them. Second, freeze meals in advance on the weekends so all you have to do is heat them up when you get home, your husband can even set them out to thaw before you get home so you are not in the kitchen cooking by yourself for an hour. If you can't do that at least have him thaw out whatever is frozen that you are going to cook that night, you will be that far ahead. Thirdly I recommend that you both start taking a good multivitamin and super B50 supplements when you both get up in the mornings. You both lead very physically stressful lives and are depleting what you need before your body can make more. It really will change how you feel and give you a little bit more pep to handle the long days ahead of you.
You also need to communicate to your husband that while him bringing you a rose every once in a while is a nice sentiment it is just that sentiment and that his helping just with picking up the kids alone would make you so much more happy than the rose would. Explain to him that you do understand that his job is demanding, but he does have the job of father as well and right now he is slipping on that one. Tell him about the schedule of him going to bed with the kids and taking an hour nap when he gets home and then going to pick them up form daycare. Ask him to try that routine for just two weeks and see if that does not help him as well as you out in the long run and ask him if there is anything he thinks he would like to implement that could help you both out. Tell him that if after two weeks it has not seemed to make a change for you both then you would be willing to sit down and try another routine that might benefit you both. Make sure he understands that this is NOT all bout you and that you are concerned for his health and well being as well as your own. If you approach him and tell him you need him to do this to help you out he will say well what about me???? Ask him if there is anything he would like to change in the course of the next two weeks that he feels would benefit you both as well as the children, make sure you include that so he does not feel left out. Explain to him that in the long run it will benefit you all for him to be a little bit more interactive with you and the children. I should know I had a dad that worked all the time to buy "Things" and if I had it to do over again I would rather have less "Stuff" and more time with him. Time is something you can not get back and something you regret you did not spend more of when you were younger.
I hope this works out for you, let me know how things go and if he was open to any of it. God Bless you and keep you all.

It sounds like your hubby may need to figure out why all he does is sleep. I would think maybe there's something wrong with his thyroid. I assume since it's such a hard job and he's so tired that he's getting excersize, but if he's not, then that would really bring up his energy level.

I know that even if your husband is playing with the kids and paying more attention to them that it'll free you up more to do what ever you need to early in the evening so you can get to bed earlier.

Also I think that maybe you could tell him what you want from him in "I want" statements. "I want you to help more with the kids." etc...

Ask him what he wants, maybe he wants to be more awake, he just doesn't have the energy. Tell him you want to help him figure out why he doesn't have energy and work on this together.

Good luck mommy! My prayers are with you.

That is a tough one b/c I don't know if you can ever get anyone to change their behavior long-term. They have to really want to change. I am very lucky that my husband helps out so much around the house. I do most of the kids stuff; however, he helps out with household chores and cooks dinner. However, he is just like that and has been that way even when were were dating. His feeling is that I work too; so in that case everyone needs to chip in. He does not sleep a whole lot or watch tv; however, that is his personality. I guess the best advice that I have would be to go to a marriage counselor or third party so that there is an objective party to listen to both sides. It sounds like you are communicating with him and it does work for a short time but not permantly. No marriage is perfect. In fact, as much as my husband helps out with everything I still feel like he doesn't help enough with the kids on the weekends sometimes. I have come to the conclusion that I will most likely always do the majority of that care; while he does most of the household chores. I think feels more comfortable doing household chores than doing a 100% of the child care. I think it is the mommy instinct thing! Good luck with everything!

I agree with several of the moms. First, you need to sit down with your husband, without the kids around, and tell him specifically how you feel and how tired you are. During that conversation, come up with a plan of ONE thing he can do when he gets home everyday before he plops down on the couch. It could be something different everday, sweep, vacuum, mop, laundry, etc. You may need to leave him a little Love Note everyday to help him remember. And make sure to notice EVERY LITTLE THING HE HELPS WITH! This will make him feel like it matters. Once you get him adjusted to one task a day, maybe you could add a second task a few days a week and so on. Maybe he could get the kids two days a week so you don't have to? Maybe alternate turns giving the kids their bath and getting ready for bed?

The other thing I recommend it really look at your schedule. If you are spending a bunch of time during the week getting dinner on the table, then consider spending a few hours on Sunday preparing meals that can be heated up each night. Casseroles are great for this. If you can prepare a bunch of food ahead of time, then you won't spend as much time each day. Also, lay out all the clothes for the kids at the beginning of the week, one outfit for each day, socks, shoes, everything. That will be one less thing to think about everyday.

My husband and I take turns putting the kids in bed, we alternate nights giving baths. We also cook a bunch of food on the weekend that can just be heated up in the oven or microwave for dinner. It saves so much time!

Good luck!

Dear K.,
Your husband's job demands are brutal. It is wonderful that he can sleep. I'm sure he needs it. Working 7 days a week without letup takes it toll. Are you off on the weekends? Maybe you can revamp the budget, so perhaps you can manage with less income. Can you request flex hours at your job? Since your husband's job hours are fixed, maybe you can adjust yours to match his a little more or see if you can work 6 hours a day until those precious children are a little older.
Also, if you need more time in the evenings, put those kids to bed at 8:00 and give yourself a break. 9 is pretty late for little ones.
There are no magical simple solutions. You need to tell your husband how you feel and you need to let him tell you how he feels. Talk to each other every day and work together for ways for you each to help each other.
At least once a month you should get a babysitter and have an evening out together, even if it's just to take a walk together or go shopping. Your relationship is the core of your family. Keep it full of love.
Good luck!
B. G.
Mother of 8, grandmother of 4

Most probably won't agree but this is what I would do...Only do things for you and the kids...cook for the kids, no more...laundry for the kids, not his...you have 2 sinks? Clean yours, not his. I would take it to the extreme until he realizes everything that you do and decides to start helping.

I think you both need to have a heart to heart. It is time to make life style changes. My husband lost one of his big clients early this year and i thought it woudl crush us financially. We had a heart to heart. Althought this client paid well the hours we bad. My husband woudl not get hoem until 8:00/8:30 m-th. He missed everything. Most of the time the 3 girls were already asleep. He hardly ever got even kiss them good night let alone help. He never knew what was going on at school or in their day. Our heart to heart let us realize that we could cut a few things here and there and wait to see what happened. It turned out that we were able to easily get by without once we made a few adjustments but the best part was.... The girls were so excited to see their daddy. He even eats dinner with us now and a few times a week he even beats us home. They get so excited to see his car in the driveway. This has really pumped up my husband. He has been so much happier and helps out more. I also realized that as a working mom i am super but i don't have to be super house cleaner, super cook, super organizer, super volunteer, super, super, super. I just want to be super mom to my kids and super wife to my husband by my standards. I took several days and got things really organized for our life style.... You know hooks for school bags, school clothes, week day events, nightly routines, etc... After that i decided to pick my battles. I don't make the beds anymore except on weekends. I sweep on sunday, tuesday, thursday. I mop and vacuum only on saturday or sunday. Dishes are nightly. I wash just on sunday and work on a section of clothes to hang or fold on monday and wednesday. I have told myself that it si this day only and take a little break. We have also made it a point to have couple time each evening to talk about our day, the world whatever. It is not long but it is ours. The loss of that client really gave me back my husband and the girls their daddy. Fyi... A few months later god blessed us with a new client but during regular business hours. Close a door open a window. Good luck!

Phyllis B gave good advice, and I read created to be his help meet, but not everyone likes it.

Bless you, sweetheart, you two are having a rough time right now! I'm not going to respond about your husband not helping, because you've already gotten a lot of input. I just want to encourage you and remind you that as your children get older they will need a LOT LESS of your help, and that will be a blessing. Also, they will be able to "play" with Mommy by their little contributions to chores, picking up their own clothes, etc. You will be surprised how much that itself will help, and they love to do it with Mommy!

Your children are close in age--if you are wanting to have more, perhaps consider waiting a couple of years so that the oldest one is a little more self-sufficient before there is another baby to care for?

PLEASE don't take Lindee T's advice--doing nothing for him shows that you have no respect at all for what he does at his job. And remember, he does that job for YOU and the KIDS, not for himself. If he was in this just for himself he could leave at anytime and be single. That's not what he wants--he wants his family.

Take care!

K.,

Wow do you have alot of advice on this, everything from quit your job, move, to don't do anything for him anymore. I know life will throw you lots of situations with ups and downs. Personally after years of trying to figure things out myself and "fix" my husband I realized there is only one true answer. That is the Lord, prayer changed my life and the lives of my family. Have you ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She has really good teaching and she has been through this very thing and now has an amazing life and husband. I'm not going to preach at you I just know that no one truly knows what is best for you like Jesus does. I pray peace over you and that you find the answers you are looking for.

Blessings
M.

K... I feel your pain. I am in the same boat as you are. I wished i knew of some advice but so far, nothing has worked with my situation. He has the attitude that he works 40+ hours and he does NO MORE most of the time. We've had the talk, he will do better for a week at the most. Then once he starts working any crazy hours, whether it be one day of 12 hour shift, he's right back into the same lazy mode. I've tried to explain my days do not end at 5:00. They go on til at least 9-10PM so I am not ONLY working 40 hours at a job. I come home and it continues. ugh.. I don't know what to tell you other than try to talk to him. I wished I could help.

K. -

Please keep an open mind when reading these responses!

I could have written this same entry MANY times over the last 5 years. But now my prayers have been answered, and it is harder than I thought! My husband worked 3P-3A for over 5 years, from 3 weeks before our son was born. I work full time also. This put me walking the footsteps of a single mother. He was home long enough to leave a towel on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink! AUGH nothing was more aggervating to me than on his 'days off' he would not keep the baby home or pick him up from day care. Which for the 1st 4 months was his mom who lives in Hurst and we live in Arlington. I work 5 mintues from the house! SO this past summer that all changed he got put on DAYS YEAH - not - Now he works 3A-3P still 12 hrs, he only drives 30 mintues one way. But he is outside all day long in the elements and doing manual labor. I coach my sons football team so only on practice days (Tues & Fri)do i expect more out of him. But other than that, i take and pick up my son to/from school, my hubby, with our negoation is that he starts dinner when i leave work, so when i get home i finish, we eat, he bathes the kid (which usually just means turning on the water) then homework, and i read a bed time story, they are both in bed by 730-800. I hate it because of the little time i get with with boy, but it has helped him bond with dad.

Communicate with your husband. He knows you are beat down or he would not be trying to break the ice with the little gifts. But you need to turn your anger into understanding. How many days have you gone to work with NO SLEEP???? I know I did several times. But you know what. That is was MOMS did. Moms are invincable!!!! I love my husband with all my heart he is my soul mate and I could not have gotten where I am without him, but you know what, over the years I have proven to myself I can do it alone it that be the cards that are dealt to me. Talk with your husband. Make an agreement. You call him as you are leaving work and he starts dinner or he loads/unloads the dishwasher. Dont be 'pointing fingers' that he does nothing.

You started you dont want him to change jobs because of the money....they stop gripping about it...Ask him this you will be surprised at the answer. "Honey - does it bother you being so tired all the time, and not able to spend time with the kids and me?" 10 to 1 he is going to say YES!!! You are not the only one effected by this. It gets him too. But dads are not suppose to show emotion and they are suppose to support the family no matter what.

The suggestions to quit your job....NOT GOOD!! That is going to only add time for you to be at home with your kids and less time out, with other adult contact, and more time to let this anger fester against your hubby! SO instead of trying to get everything done at night, you will have all day to clean up after the kids, and realize when your hubby gets home. His ways are not changing! Only you have changed if you quit your job, you have lost your 'free time' and how much income? Your kids do need a mother, and your husband needs a wife, but I know I could not be who I am by being a stay at home mom. I need MY identiy that really helps getting through things.
Take a day off, take the kids to daycare, spend the day doing what you think needs to be done, be rested and relaxed, when hubby gets home, talk to him with a clear head and try to work something out. You will be amazed how much that conversation will help.

Pick one day a week to do things. Make your load lighter as well. On Monday's run the vacuum, On Tuesdays throw in an extra load of laundry, on Wednesday pick up dinner dont cook! Try that to make your days easier. If you are this beat down now wait until school and extra-cirruclar activites. I have had days that between football practice, PTA and family I dont get home until 9:00 and I have not done anything, but i know i have to and when that alarm goes off at 5:00, my day starts all over...the kicker, I really think I have insomia so it it nothing for me to wake up to hubby alarm at 1:45 and not go back to sleep. But I still do what i need to do.

You need to give him a break walk in his shoes and find a happy median. MEN CAN NOT READ MINDS, and when he is picking up on actions and trying to make it right with the gifts, that you dont apperciate then that confusing him more. Talk to him.

Good luck
M.

Dear K.,

Please do not take Lindee T's advice. I have been married for over 37 years to a wonderful man, if I'd treated him the way she advises you to treat your husband, that wouldn't be the case!

You have received very good advice from most of the ladies. Consider printing off the advise and letting your husband read your post and the advice.

Your anger/frustration does come through in your post. Consider reading the books that were mentioned. Learn to speak your husband's "LOVE language."

Do encourage your husband to have a yearly physical to make sure he is in good health.

Like someone else said, things will get easier in time as your children get older.

I strongly agree with those that have ask you to consider:
*moving closer to your husband's place of employment (difficult if you have a home to sell)

*cutting your hours to only a part time job or better yet, quit your job

*find ways to cut every household expense so that your family can live on less income, buy your children
used clothing and use prefold cloth diapers to save a ton of money

*put pencil to paper and see if you are really bringing home any money at all after ALL of the expenses
that it costs for you to have a job outside the home

*if you quit your job, consider taking care of one or two children to bring in an income and still be at home
with your children and be able to take care of your husband and home too

*prepare easy meals on the weekends and in crockpots

*bath your babies every other night, especially with cooler weather coming up

Keep a good attitude and be thankful that your husband loves you, that he is a hard worker. Think of your family from your children's perspective, how are they viewing life? They know that mommy is tired and frustrated, & unhappy. Read your Bible and get your guidance from God, keep HIM first in your life. Think positively about everything. Love your husband, praise him, do things for him that show him how much you care about him. Your actions & attitude towards him speak louder than your words.

K.,

Your husband has a VERY tough job and so do you. You have gotten tons of good advice. Get a crock pot and cook book or go on the web to find tons of great, easy and quick to put together recipes. Put your kids to bed earlier, by at least an hour. Clean the kitchen but don't worry about the other stuff. Appreciate what your husband does and that he loves you. Focus on the positive and not the negative (e.g., you both have jobs in this awful economy, your children are healthy, etc.). Take vitamins and get medical checkups to make sure both you and your husband are in good health. Start a gratitude journal--every day write down at least three things that happened that you are thankful for. As simple as this sounds it really works. Things will get much easier as your kids get older, I promise. Pray!

I suggest unless he loves his job he looks into finding another job... how long can his body actually hold up that standard? How long can he mentally handle such a difficult load? Perhaps one rough year of him at ITT or TCC and he could turn his life around. I know AT&T has terrific benefits and the people I know that work there have reasonable hours.

I know that probably isn't the advice you want, but looking a few years into the future... what would happen if he were injured on the job. Can you afford reallly for him to work himself into an early grave? Is it worth it? I don't think any amount of money is worth a job like that.

Honestly this something you can only figure out with your husband. What one family may do will not always work for another. You are the only one that truly knows your husband and how he will react to what you need to say to him. I would not let him know that you posted an add asking for advice. Any man would be highly upset about that. Everything will work out for you as long as you speak your mind. Men don't think to do things without being told. Good luck to you. One thing I know is that no matter how pissed I get at my husband when he is in town I always make sure to tell him I love him when we go to bed.

Hi K.!

I just wanted to send you a note to let you know that you are not alone. I may not offer you advice on how to "change" your husband, because that would be me interfering in "personal" matters, but I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I am the wife of a professional athlete who travels 6 months out of the year. I am a "single parent" most of the time, because when he IS home during the off season, it takes time for him to get back into "Daddy Mode." He is tired from all the travel, he wants to just sleep, enjoy the kids and home, and leave all of the work to me as usual. What I do sometimes is I just "tell" him that I am stepping out for a few hours, and HE has got the kids and the house. That is what you may have to do....(if you can). Go out and just "breathe" for a few hours, even if it's just to walk around the block a couple of times, or go to Barnes and Noble and have cup of coffee and read a book. When I come back in the house, he is usually at my feet, telling me that he does not know how I manage to do it all. He then understands that just a FEW hours to myself is a NEED!!

I will say a prayer for you today!!

T.

Communication! Communication! Communication! Sounds easy but is most definitely the hardest thing to do. I've been married almost 24 years and have felt the way do described hundreds of times and I too couldn't understand why he couldn't seem to figure this out. Didn't he see that I was working as hard as he. It wasn't until we started seeing a marriage counselor and he kept driving home the communication part did I realize how important this was. My snag was it seemed as if we were speaking two different languages, He Spanish and Me Russian.

I recently started a book that a friend recommended Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich. Another good book is The Five Love Languages Author??

As our counselor said to me I must be willing to step out and take the high road to do my part when in fact he may not do his at first.

Hope that helps

Hi K., I have to say I agree with Annette A. Your children are so young, to be in daycare. I know some families have to do it, but maybe you could sit down and work out a budget so that you could afford to stay home or maybe cut back your hours. Raising kids alone, and keeping the house and maintaing your sanity is hard enough, without having to work outside the home. I decided to stay home when my first child was born and it will be hard. I repeat, IT WILL BE HARD! There are things that you will have to do without. (no brand-new clothes, no fancy cars, no pedicures, no $50.00 hair-cuts). But there are so many things you gain. Being home with a smile for your husband, raising and enjoying your children. Being there when they take their first step, when they speak their first word, you actually helping your 20 mth old achieve potty-training. Believe me, it will not always be fun or glamorous, but it will be rewarding, and you will take great pride in your wife-mommy job. Another thing, your house will not always be clean, remember you live in it. I hope this helps.

Men don't think about stuff like that. I have to ask my husband to help me. Even if the trash can is full to the brim, he does not take it out unless I say something each and everytime. I understand what you mean. I am at the point that I am tired of asking so I do it all by myself anyway. My husband can sleep through a tornado and I wake up when a pin is dropped. The only advice I have to give is ask him to help but give him the specific job you want done because he will not figure it out on his own. He realizes you do so much but he does not realize how much motherhood is more of a full-time job more than anything.

First, most people that work land rigs, work seven on-off. Has he checked into that? If that's not the case, what about moving closer to where he works and you get a job in that area? Guys are like that... sleep in racket... sleep all afternoon... go to bed and go right back to snooze zone. What you might want to do is start posting a list of chores your husband can do before you get home from work. Laundry ... how difficult is that? Maybe start something in the crock pot on high to be ready for the dinner at 6:00 pm. Clean the bathrooms... mow the yard... vaccum. Have a list in the kitchen that whatever you need from the store, list then when it's time to go to the store, he can pick up the items on the way home from work. Plan meals for the week on Sunday afternoons. Crock pots are the best for working people! Here's a super easy, easy recipe to get you started...

1 crock pot
1 8 oz. bottle barbeque sauce
1 3-5 lb. chuck roast
sprinkle chuck roast evenly with garlic powder/dried onion flakes

pour barbeque sauce in crock pot and roll chuck roast evenly in bbq sauce

cover crockpot
set on either high for five hours or low for eight hours.

tender... and great for sandwiches for the week.

Good luck.

AND another thing...

Maybe he needs to take a good multivitamin... drink water instead of sodas/coffee, eat fruit apples are great energy boosters versus caffine...

Something I have found that helps me in a huge way. Once a week I get all of the clothes that I/my husband will be wearing, get a DVD going, and iron our clothes for the week. Hang these clothes in the front of the closet in order; his on his side of the closet and mine on my side of the closet. Also on the clothes hanger with the particular clothing, I have our undergarments/socks hanging with the clothes for the day. Yep, one weeks clothes totally ready for wear. Saves me a huge amount of time/stress in the mornings.

I totally agree with all the posts about simplifying your life and making things easier on you and him. The other thing my friend did when she went back to work was carve out enough money for them to hire someone to clean the house twice a month. She says it's the best thing she ever did because she can do light stuff on her own and leave all the dirty stuff for the cleaning lady. Might help cut down on stress. Just a thought. Good Luck!

First I wonder is your husband healthy? Even with his job, all the sleeping he is doing makes me wonder if he is depressed.
Also, I wonder if you could alter your own priorities. You say you put the kids to bed at 9 pm and then clean and do other things until 11. Could you just let that go until the weekened? You deserve some rest as well as your husband, don't you think? A little dust or clutter can be lived with; running your own health down can not be lived with.
Finally, the relationship between you and your husband is crucial. Once you determine he is healthy,not depressed ,etc. you can suggest that he sleep until 6 pm, when you get home, but the rest of the evening, until 9 pm he stay up and participate in the activities around the house. Not that you are working, cleaning, etc. but that you are sharing the joy of your children. Since your children are so young, you might consider putting them to bed earlier, say 8-8:30 pm and then you and your husband can spend time together, even if it is just watching tv.
I know this is a difficult thing for you. The pattern you and your husband have already set will not be easy to change, but it is making you unhappy and that will wear on you after a while. That is what he needs to understand; that you need him, present to you, in the evenings.
C.

Ok, so if I understand you correctly, your husband is gone from 4:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. every day, no days off, and you think in addition to him doing manual labor every day that he should also come home and help with the kids and chores around the house. My first inclination is to say you are expecting too much. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I know how you feel and I don't blame you for feeling that way. That said, you really need to be realistic about what you can expect from him given his schedule.

I would first work out a sleeping schedule. If he has to take a nap as soon as he gets home, that's fine, but when you get home, can he wake up for a couple of hours and maybe spend 15 minutes playing with the kids while you start preparing dinner? Then, maybe after dinner, can he work on some chore(s) that you think really needs to get done for only 15 minutes? I mean, it takes me 11 minutes to clean the guest bathroom. It takes 3 minutes to put a load of laundry in the washer (if it's already sorted and ready to go) and about 2 minutes to move the clothes in the washer over to the dryer and put a dryer sheet in and start the machine. That's 3 chores done in less than 20 minutes. Folding and/or hanging a load of laundry rarely takes more than 15 minutes. It takes my husband around 15 minutes to load the dishwasher and that's from empty to completely full. It would take less time if he did it every day, but he likes to let the sink get full and do the dishes all in one swoop. I don't like it much that way, but I'm just happy he's doing it at all so I'm going to let that part go. My 9 year old daughter can empty a full dishwasher in less than 15 minutes. Bathing two kids takes a little more time usually so maybe you agree that that is your job. Or, if you don't bathe them together, I'm guessing it takes 15 minutes or less to bathe your son. Also, maybe he can tuck them in at least two nights a week while you read a book, take a bubble bath or veg out in front of the TV. Maybe getting your kids to bed 15 minutes earlier could help you have a little more time to yourself as well.

I would make a list of all the things you want to get done and ask him to take care of 15 minutes worth of those things each day. I recommend that you get a timer and actually write down how long it takes you to do each chore so you can be realistic about what you can expect him to help with. Maybe on days when he seems less tired, ask him to do 30 minutes worth of chores or playing with the kids. I know I'm much more tired on Friday than any other day of the week. Working 7 days a week, I'm guessing there is no more refreshed day than another but you can probably tell when he seems less tired and maybe he can do a little more on those days.

I think if you approach him with the idea of doing only 15 minutes of help each day, I can't imagine he would think you were being unreasonable. The key is to actually time it though. When I learned about what we call "cleaning in spurts", which is when we clean for 15 minutes and then rest for 15 minutes, my kids & husband loved it. Time just seemed to fly by and we got so much done. We were able to clean the whole house in just a few hours and no one was wore out or grumpy when we were all done.

You really can get a lot more done in 15 minutes than you might think, so asking him for just that much help will probably make your life at least a little bit easier and it won't seem like you're nagging him or asking for something he can't do.

Good Luck!

I think that you and your husband should sit down and talk about what you see for yourselves 6 months from now, and a year from now. If the future looks exactly the same, is that what you want? If it isn't, you both need to make some hard choices about jobs. I would say that he needs to find another job (or even a similar job but with another employer) that gives him more time off, like a regular job. It may involve a cut in pay but if your marriage is struggling it will be worth it. I would hate for you to look back on a broken marriage and broken family, and think, it was inevitable because of our jobs. Jobs are just what we do to earn money. Your family is most important. Good luck.

You know what sweetie, it sounds like if you sat down and told him what you said in this thread, and that you know he wants to help, I bet if you put down one thing for him to do when he gets home every day, when he is alone without the kids, like maybe fold a load of laundry, or whatever, you would get the help more consistently. Tell him you know he is tired but you are exhausted as well and you would feel the load is lightened more if he could do one thing every day instead of tons of stuff once a month.

You have it easy, yours seems to want to help and just needs some guidance in how to do it. Really, many men are like little children, they will stumble over what needs to be done and just don't see it. You should also consider how you are doing things to see if there are ways to lighten your own load. Because he does appreciate you does not mean that he does not need to step up more and it is OKAY for you to ask for help, no one can do everything by themselves.

You sound like you are doing okay financially, get a service to come in once or twice a month. Hon, it is $25, surely if you have a tight budget, you could save that in taking a couple of lunches to work or skipping the coffee or something.

Also, I have a recliner that is rarely without laundry but if you have somewhere in your house that you can lay things to be folded or hung later, you can do a load right before you go to bed and just get up 5 minutes earlier, turn on the dryer to fluff, lay the stuff out, and get another load in the washer and dryer. Things like that don't really cut into the time you are spending getting the kids up or getting them fed, family time and ready for bed, but it is a huge savings to you with the evening stuff.

You need to think outside the box and figure out how to streamline your schedule more. And here is my best advice, really stop and think if the things you are doing really HAVE to be done that day. I know you don't want things to get behind but sometimes we are doing things like running the vacuum that really could wait another day without a great tragedy.

While the illness I contracted in early 2007 was not due to my having burned the candle at both ends for more than a decade having been raising my 9, 13 and 16-year-olds as well as a 29-year-old stepson, I know my body would have been better prepared to fight the illness had I not been exhausted. If you let yourself get run down, you won't have the energy to not only take care of those babies, to really enjoy them when you are not working. If I could do anything about going back it would be to just say to heck with a whole lot of things and just be a mom.

Dear K.,
This sounds like a really hard situation for your family. I would just encourage you to love him, and show him how much you appreciate that he works so hard to support the family. It sounds like a really grueling schedule. I know you absolutely need more help, you sound so stretched & exhausted yourself. The truth is he may not be able to give much more than he is though-- sounds like he probably leaves about 4:30 AM and gets home about 4:00 PM? Every day? without days off? I would suspect that he wants to be able to give you more help but really physically cannot right now, which is probably actually frustrating to you both. I am not in your situation, and I don't know you or your husband. I just felt really sad to read your email as it sounds like such a hard situation on the whole family. I would encourage you to try and praise him as much as possible, and complain and push as little as possible. It sounds like he does recognize that you work so very hard to keep the family going and does appreciate it. The more you show that you appreciate him, too, the more love he will feel. And the more love you are showing, the more love you will feel, too. Parenting young children is such a joy, but such a challenge, too. The best thing you can do for your children is to protect your marriage. My heart goes out to you.
Warmly,
A.

Hi K.,

I know how you feel and can completely relate! My husband is the same way. He sleeps an awful lot when he's not working, and even though I'm a SAHM, I wish I could just up and go to sleep whenever I wanted or sleep late on the weekends! I know my situation is different, because of being a SAHM, but I still feel the child care duties should be shared, even if it's not split equally at 50/50. I know how frustrating it can be and I hope your husband finally comes around and that things get better for you. Sorry I wasn't much help; I just can soooo relate to your post and I needed to vent a little with you.

If you both want to continue with your current jobs and your work schedules, why not look into hiring a nanny or a housekeeper to help you out?

I've always heard that workers of rigs make very good money. With both of you working, you should be able to shuffle things around and get some help.

We both worked when we were young parents and never thought we'd do otherwise. If we had known better when our children were your kids' ages, we could have shifted our priorities and been better prepared when the time came that we had to live of roughly half our income.

Look at what you're spending your money on now and discuss what needs to be changed so that everyone can live a less stressful life. It could me moving closer to your husband's job or changing your working hours from full time to part time. Chances are the struggles will get more unless you can agree on some changes now to make things tolerable in the future.

Hi K.!!!

I fully understand your situation. I have and is somewhat still experiencing the same. It's almost as though my husband (of six years) and I have to have an argument (usually mild) for me to get help around the house. I've tried the nice and loving way and it only last for while. I don't want to come across as a nag but it seems like I have to say the same things over and over to get help. My husband can sleep through anything( noise, tv, games, loud talking, etc) I don't agree with it; but I've come to the realization especially after reading your request that it's a man thing. Men tend not to see things that us women do. I know my husband ways has a lot to do with him being the baby of the family and spoiled. Some days if I'm lucky he'll help without asking. When we sit down and have a heart to heart talk and I explain to him that I can have more time for him in the evening if I get some of his help; then it gets better; but then a few week down the line, his ways return. It's very frustrating; but I would say talk with your husband and express your thought. I'm sure you've done this a million times, but you have to do what works for you and whatever keeps peace in your home. After most of the talks with my husband, he has admitted that he can help out more but don't know why he can't be consistent. My way of helping him to be consistent is by asking for help over and over again and sometimes by writing him a list of the things that I need him to do around the house. It works for me (don't have to nag as much with the list). It aggravates me; but it works. Should I have to ask for help if I'm trying to cook dinner, do the laundry, help with homework, prepare for bedtime and, etc.? No but it works.

Hopefully this helps.
Good luck

S.

Hi K., you sound just like I did a year ago. My husband also works on an oil rig but he works 12 hour shifts, one week on and one week off. He works 5 hours away from home so on his week on he does not come home. On his weeks off he doesn't lift a finger, it was so bad that I would come home after 9 hours of work, with the kids, and he would ask what I am cooking for dinner!!! Of course he had been running around or asleep on the couch all day. For us, the only permanent solution was for me to quit my job. I now substitute teach and do some typing from home (not much), this allows me to do everything I need to do at home and with the kids and still allowing him time to rest and unwind. My decision was to either quit my job to do the full time job at home or to become the single mom that I felt like, he had honestly just become another child to take care of. This solution worked well for us, we are actually closer now that we were before because I can spend his week off with him.

Hello K.. I would first like to say,"You are a SUPERWOMAN! It is so unfair how men can do the work to conceive children, but when it comes to the work of supplying their everyday needs, they forget that they were apart of making them. I hate to say it but the mother always does more for and with the children than men do. I'm sure you have told your husband over and over again that you need his help. I have a suggestion, is there anyway you could cut your work hours? Do you have family members or friends that could pick the kids up from daycare for you some days and that would allow you to go home first before picking the kids up so you could take a nap or just relax and eat a snack before you get the kids or come to your house to help you with the kids when you get home from work for a couple hours, maybe two or three times a week? I wish you all the best and stay prayerful and keep asking hubby for help, as nicely as possible!!

My goodness, I thought my life was hectic. You have GOT to get some help. Find somewhere to cut back & use that money for some hired help. It will be the best thing you ever do. I am thinking that with the money you save on daycare fees you can probably find a full time nanny/housekeeper/cook. Sit down & layout a strict budget & find all the places to cut costs. Your children are young & they rather have time with you than new clothes. Go to garage sales for their clothes.
Spending quality time with your family is the most important thing & is what your babies need.
Best of luck to you. Let us know what happens. I will be thinking of you.

I don't know what to say about dealing with your husband, since I don't have a husband with that sort of job, or one that comes home and sleeps the evening and night away. My husband is fairly helpful, if nothing else, he'll take the kids off my hands when he gets home.

Maybe if you gave him a few (keep in mind FEW, meaning 2-3) tasks for him to do. I saw a lot of women mentioned crock pots (I love mine, and I'll give you a blog for a lady who has been trying to cook in her crock pot each day this year, and do something different each day), but another thing that might help is making a menu, shopping for it (take hubby along or leave him home to watch the kids, whatever works best for you) then come home, chop all your vegetables for the different meals and pack them up in ziplocs or containers so that when it comes time to cook (whether crock pot or not) you can skip that part of preparing. I find it's the most time consuming and tiring part of cooking. Have him help with it. Even if he can't cook, he should be able to cut things up. This might be a good Saturday/Sunday evening activity. You could even do it after the kids go to bed and have it be a "date" and follow it up with an extra special reward for him to thank him for helping.

Here's the crockpot blog. SHe has some fun things. Good luck.
http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/

There are nuggets of truth in each post. I thought I'd add a thought or two. Men don't think about long-term. It's a day-to-day thing with them. Women are all about taking care of everything the way it should be done! I was too efficient, too quick to respond to my children, just all around too good, and thus, my husband NEVER saw a need. I also failed to show any emotion around him when I was hurt or disappointed. Before you break your back trying to do it all, let him see your needs. Cry if necessary--men are suckers for tears. It's not pretending, but being totally honest about your feelings. So he misses a nap or two, so what? Ask him to do one little thing each evening, praise him for helping, and draw him back into the circle of life in your home. BE HELPLESS sometimes. Tell him to put the kids to bed while you go for a walk! If you keep filling in all the gaps, he'll never rise to help. Hope this helps. I wish someone had told me these things years ago. My children might have better memories of their daddy if they had.

This is probably going to sound rude, but I really don't think your husbands hours are that bad for him to be sleeping like that. I have an uncle who works in construction, very physically demanding. He starts work at 4:30am and works till 4:30pm, gets home at about 6pm and is still up with his kids and helping and such. Tell your husband that your getting a bit overwhelmed and that you need him to help you. Be very specific as to what you need him to help you with. Remember that men need specific details. As much as we hate it, they cannot read our minds, they need to be told. He sounds like a caring husband and father, he will probably understand. You have your hands full, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't try to be the perfect mom/wife, because there is no such thing, it's just a superficial illusion that television has taught us to believe. As long as your kids needs are met, it's okay not to give them 100% of your attention all the time. You'll have more fun with them when you're sharing time with them when you're not so tired. Remember that babies and toddlers also need time to themselves to improve their independent skills. What are some things that you do now that can wait till the weekend? How often do people come to your house? If it's a bit messy, why worry about it.

You've gotten a lot of advice, so all I'm going to say is - TALK to him. Be open and honest, but not hurtful. Have a conversation about how you BOTH feel (not just you). My husband and I have had problems just like yours and the ONLY way that we can work it out is if we talk about it.

when you get a good answer pass it on to me. i have the same problem with my husband.. and he doesnt even work 7days a week. and i dont even get little gifts like you do.. lucky.. i get frustrated all the time but i decided that i wll go on a quite strike and see if the house is still standing and if anyone notices.. i have a 14yr old daughter who does her chorse(clean her room, her laundry etc). and a 2yr little boy and he does his chores (making a mess)so i can see you having to little ones can be difficult. thanks for reminding me not to have anymore.

K., after reading some of the advise, it sounds like you are not alone. Men's focus is on providing for their family and assume you are there for the children, yours is much broader and that is why it is frustrating. Sometimes finding an answer is done by asking the right questions. I would like you to stop and think why you are married. (did you marry for a better lifestyle?) What will your children remember of you (and Dad) when they are older? (Or will they remember fondly the daycare worker/nanny who loved them) You gave an example of how he tried to show his appreciation - is there an example of how you show him appreciation? I sounds like both of you make good money; is having lots of things more important than having less things and more time together? When you sit down with your hubby to express your emotions, see if he can help answer these questions (does he have any concerns/questions?) and then come to a consensus. I pray for the best for you.

I know how you feel...I have the same kind of husband. He doesn't help much, but I've found it's best not to expect much from him around the house. He also works an hour and a half away from home, sometimes he's gone 16 hours in a day, though he usually has at least one day off a week. I have a part-time job and my own business. It's hard to keep up. I have it a little better than you, though, only 1 baby, not 2.

Lately I've noticed he helps more when he is happy, like when he has a great day at work. I used to have lists for days he was off. Now, we try to plan fun things for the days he is off, and lately, he's been helping me now and then in the evenings. I've told him how hard it is since I started my business, without being accusational, and that seems to have helped, too. He's told me in the past that "nagging" makes him want to not do anything at all. Doesn't make sense especially since my mom nagging seems to really work on my dad. Ha!

It sounds like you love each other. Try to talk productively and keep blame out of it. It's not the other one's fault that you both have to work so hard. Try to keep that in perspective. If you can afford someone to help out with the house, I would suggest doing it. We have from time to time when we have a little extra, and it really does alleviate some stress for me. I also sometimes go to the laundromat to wash all our clothes at once when the laudry gets behind. Being caught up just makes me feel better.

Hope this helps!

A.
www.greenbabydiaperservice.com