Getting a Personal Trainer Without Husband's Consent... Opinions?

You've made some good arguments. I was with you right up until the point that you wanted to trick your husband. I know we've all cut the tags off of something and said we got it on sale...oh was that only me? :) So, no judgement. Just advice. If he feels strongly and you lie about it, you are putting a wedge issue in the middle of your relationship. I think maybe you could more assertively discuss it again. "Honey, I thought about what you said and I took all your advice into consideration, but after thinking this through, I still feel very strongly. I'm glad we can discuss money matters and dont want to become one of those couples that fight about money. That being said, I didnt say a word when you brought that jalopy home. It makes you happy and I support that. SO, this makes me happy and I need you to support that."
Feel free to copy and paste that into an email to him. :)

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You should do it but tell him you are. Restate his feelings "I know you disagree with the cost of this program and you feel I could do it by myself. I have thought about what you have said, but I disagree. I am planning to do this without your support. I hope you will come around and see how important it is to me."

But don't bring up the car thing. No matter what, that will look like pay back.

I think telling someone you are doing something to help you feel healthy without their support is less damaging to a relationship than the guilt you'd feel and the betrayal he'd feel from lying about it.

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Don't lie, simply tell him that you are going to do what you feel is best. He should not be dictating you like that and living a double standard.

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Just because he did something w/o consulting you first does not make you doing ok.
that's seriously a lot of money. And doing something like this could damage the trust you have with each other. It's a lie and he will wonder what else you'll lie about when he finds out, and he will find out.

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I don't think you should "let him believe I bought 5-10 sessions for 30 each" That will ruin your marriage if he ever finds out. I would be upfront and honest with him. Tell him what your plan is--that you will use the money you have set aside and it won't affect the family finances at all. Tell him this is what you are CHOOSING to do. You don't have to get permission, but you do have to be honest and upfront. Its the right thing to do.

M

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Can I just say that I would like to marry Tracy K? LOL ;-) Love her answers to marriage/relationship questions!

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You should do what you need to in order to take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

Just one thought. It sounds to me that PERHAPS it is a control struggle in your household. Really, not judging, just putting the thought out there.

Take care of yourself no matter what because you can't be the best person, wife, mother, friend, etc. without it!

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Oh my, are you training for some amazing competition?

If not, why not just, you know, take a walk?

Sorry, I'm kinda on your husband's side. I can't imagine being THAT into myself!

:)

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Your husband is not the boss of you. He is also not your father. He spends money without your permission. You can spend money without his permission. He does not HAVE to give you consent. You are an adult, not a child.

Stop allowing this from him. He is doing this specifically BECAUSE you make more money than him and this is his way of punishing you for it. Somehow, you have allowed him to treat you like this over time, and now he feels entitled. Not standing up for yourself has allowed this attitude to become a monster in your marriage, L..

Do NOT hide from him that you are going to use this personal trainer. Pay the money, and THEN tell him you will be using the trainer. Stand up for yourself and tell him that he doesn't have the right to tell you what you can and cannot do. Remind him of the old car to play with.

If he "goes off" on you, go stay with a friend for a while. When he realizes you won't budge and he doesn't get his "maid" and weekly nookie, he'll straighten up. You know, you can put your own money in a personal account if he doesn't straighten up. You don't HAVE to have a joint account.

Stand strong and stop putting up with this.

D.

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I see where you're coming from, but I never think it's a good idea to hide things from your spouse. That just opens the door for trust issues later on.

If I were you, I would announce to him that you are purchasing some personal training sessions from your own personal savings. You don't need to discuss the amount with him, but if he asks, tell him the truth. Also, let him know that this is your personal money to do what you want with and this is what you've chosen.

It seems like your husband is operating by the policy "it's easier to ask for forgiveness then permission." Perhaps you both need to have your own personal savings that you put money into and then you can buy whatever you want from that without consulting the other person. He should not tell you what to do with your personal savings and vice versa. I think that saves a lot of stress!

Good luck and have fun with your training!

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I don't think you should lie to your husband. But if you are paying for the sessions out of a personal savings account, this shouldn't be something you need to run by him, especially if his only objection is the price. I'd say, as a good faith effort, you could ask the gym if they will offer you the $30/session rate and/or have it be pay as you go. But if they say no and you still want to do it, just inform your husband you are going to do it.

Is it possible that there could be something more behind this argument than just the price of the sessions? It really seems like this is something relatively trivial for him to object to, and I personally would be more than a little annoyed if I felt like my husband thought his permission were required. You are an adult woman, spending your own money on something that will improve your health. It's not like you're buying a pair of shoes you don't need on credit or anything.

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I would just let him know I'm doing it and that's that. If at some point going forward he wants to set a maximum amount of money that either of you can spend without consulting the other, great - no more old toy cars for him (or parts for said car).

Good for you wanting to get into better shape.

Why would he NOT want you to do it? Gosh my husband would be so excited for me if I committed to a plan like that (that's reasonable in light of your budget).

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I'd tell him the truth. You are not asking permission but you are giving him the courtesy of knowing that you are buying 16 sessions at $45 a piece. You are compromising because he did not want you to buy a year and you are respecting his opinion but you have decided for yourself this is what you want.

No more explaining. Just a heads up. I am letting you know.

I would not bring up who makes more money, etc....and I would be sure he understands you are not mad at him, but that you hope he will respect your decision. You are telling him about it ahead of time out of respect.

If he throws a fit and tries to argue I would have a mantra ready. Something like.... "I love and respect you, and I've made up my mind. Please respect that."

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Isn't marriage fun! I think what you're trying to do is not only perfectly reasonable, it's probably a very healthy thing for you to do. That being said, your marriage is very important, so you do want to make sure you do this the right way.

I would talk to him about discretionary spending. Not to point fingers, but he felt it was reasonable to buy the car without talking to you and you are going to need to make decisions about money independent from him. It seems like this might be a very good time to talk about a reasonable amount of money that each of you could be allotted each month that is just yours to spend as you see fit.

Try to come up with a money plan that you are both happy with, rather than nit picking each purchase. You might not agree with everything he chooses to spend his money on (and vice versa). But if you have an agreed upon amount, you can just shake your head and say, "It's his money."

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You've made a great argument...

1) You make the majority of the household's income

2) Your husband has bought a HOBBY CAR that will help no one but himself - at least with your trainer and getting more healthy and losing weight, your new energy and health will benefit your entire family

3) Your spending this money on yourself now will not harm your family's standard of living... and in in fact helping them in the long run! Mom's need to learn to spend time and money on themselves too.

GO SIGN UP TODAY AND GET STARTED!! I personally think your husband is jealous that you may have a male trainer.

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First, it doesn't matter if you make more money. You're married, your money does not count for more. The money is for both of you, and just because you make more does not make you more justified. Really, stop thinking like that!! That mentality can really harm a marriage, in my opinion. Second, don't lie. That's just a BAD idea. Third, just tell him you are purchasing it.

Oops...I just read you told him. You did the right thing.

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This is a tough one, L.. There's so much going on here: power/control issues, fairness, the community nature of family income, disparate incomes, pride, fairness, retaliation, and dishonesty/deception… Oh, my!

Have you talked about goals? Can you project a goal that you feel is achievable and reasonable for the investment? Without a clear goal, what you are contemplating is a huge outlay of cash that might end up achieving very little, or results that don't hold when your program is finished. Are you expecting to achieve a specific weight loss, life-style changes, increased fitness that will contribute to your own AND your family's well-being, improved self-image, an improved love-life, clothes that fit better or a new wardrobe?

I think you can see that some of those goals might be important to you, but create uncertainty or discomfort in your husband. So you would do well to tell him goals that matter to him. And convince him that this program would be a jump-start that will make it possible to maintain those goals at lower cost into the future.

I'm in my 60's, and have engaged in many, many major life-style campaigns. Some have been free, or the cost of a book, and many have conferred tremendous benefit. But ALL of them are temporary unless I have the willingness and ABILITY to continue whatever effort or self-control is required. I have been tremendously fit. I have been overweight and weak. Life continually throws wrenches into my plans; an illness or injury, a time-consuming family obligation, menopause with metabolism changes, loss and depression, you name it. Something is always waiting to take away my dedication to any particular plan of action.

These challenges are there whether my program was self-motivated and free, or whether I had invested thousands of dollars (well, I've never had that kind of money, but $100 would have been a huge, obligating investment for me that might still have lost all value a year later).

So I can sure relate to your husband's reservations. I hope you do not choose to deceive him if your marriage is important to you – that could be the beginning of the end. It sounds like you were on the receiving end of a very good sales presentation. That makes the plan your gym is offering sound very attractive. But it may not be the best, or the only, option you have for meeting your goals.

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I say tell him you are going to buy them and at what price. If he complains, tell him that it is important to you, and you support him spending money the family can afford on things that are important to him (like his fixer upper car) and would like it if he could support you in something that is important to you.

And then buy them. As we say in my family "He is not the boss of you." :)

As a final note, you could point out that a recent study found their is link between inactivity and Alzeimers. He can think of it as insurance against caring for a doddering wife in his old age. :)

Buy them and enjoy your training session!

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I wouldn't hide it from him. Just tell him straight up what you told us -- your household won't suffer, he bought a car for $1500 to play with, etc. and you're entitled to also buy stuff that you want. Don't say that you make more money than him though -- I dont think you need to go there to prove your point. It'll just upset him. But yeah, just straight up give the arguments you gave us and I can't imagine he'd be able to say much back. Good luck!

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Dishonesty is never a good idea in marriage. It sounds like you both have some work to do in this area. Address it now before it eats away at the foundation of trust and respect upon which a good solid marriage is built. Your health and physique won't suffer near as much from missing out on personal trainer sessions as you marriage will from dishonesty and the lies it will take to cover the purchase. In the mean time, look for other options. I recently found Free 1 month of Fitness Boot Camp advertised in our local paper. It was awesome! Best part is my husband was behind me 100% cheering me on and watching our 3 kids.

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I support you and believe that you can/should be entitled to use your money as you see fit. I don't think you should lie about it however. personally I've always found personal trainers a bit silly.

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Tell him you are going to do it. It is a very important investment in your future. The price is very reasonable! He should do it, too!
He should be ecstatic that you want to take good care of yourself. You will look great and have more energy.
As I was typing this, a story came on the news about middle aged women--they are the least well-being of any age group or gender. They may be the first generation of women who do not live longer than men.

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I think you have bigger underlying issues. You both should sit down at the beginning of the month and write down a budget and agree on it. Neither of you should be spending this kind of money without the other one agreeing and you certainly should not be doing something he doesn't agree with and then just going ahead and hiding it. That is so immature. He also should not have bought a car without consulting you. Keep doing these types of things and ya'll will eventually get into trouble- either financial or marital.

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I say do it and don't hide it but don't ignore your husband's feelings. See if you can find out what is really behind them. Is it really the money - could there be some expense that he has had and didn't tell you so that now he is worried about money? (I'm not trying to accuse him of lying but this is the kind of thing my dad did.) Is he worried about you getting a very attractive trainer and having an affair? Is he worried about you getting in shape and attracting attention from other men? See if you kind find ways to set him mind at ease - get a female trainer, do things to make sure he knows that you are committed to him and your relationship. If he just thinks it's a waste of money because it's not what he would spend money on just write it up to a difference of opinion and go ahead.

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I would buy the package if it was coming out of my personal savings, but I would not lie to him about it. I would simply tell him that this is something you want for yourself, the way the car was something he wanted for himself, and leave it at that.

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I have no idea! In our house, we don't hardly buy ANYTHING without consulting one another. So, if it were us, I wouldn't do it. Even if we had the money and it wouldn't affect anything. Well, I did buy an old piano once for $100 because I couldn't get a hold of my hubby and I knew he'd be fine with it. And he's bought little things here and there with the belief that I'd be fine with it (and I was).

But in your situation, it doesn't seem like it's set up quite the same with you guys. I can see why you'd want a personal trainer! I wouldn't do it sneaky, though. I'd be open and honest and let him know that you've decided to do it (if you do). But if it's going to cause any contention, I wouldn't do it...just as I would expect him to not do anything that would make me upset either.

That's a tough one! It seems odd he's so opposed when you seem to have plenty of money for it. I don't think it matters who makes more money, though. I believe couples should have an equal say...

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If i was in your shoes, i wont do it,dont hid things from your husband.You need to sit down with him in a nice way and let him know that you are going to do it.Pls dont do it because he baught an old car without consulting you.Or you should have paid for it before you consulted him.

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I don't think it's about the money at all. Prior to kids, my husband bought me a personal training package as a gift (I had asked for one for my birthday at the new gym I'd just joined). I knew nothing about all the equipment and just got frustrated with my husband's "instructions" =)
Part of the training was counseling/talking about what I wanted to change and how others would react. The trainer told me my husband would become anxious/almost jealous when he saw my improvements. I denied that would ever happen and the trainer just said, ok, but keep that in the back of your mind. You are doing this for you and your person health and growth. Don't let anyone deter you or make you feel bad or selfish.
OMG- he was right! My husband did get jealous, even though I was in the best shape of my life. Of course, he got over it after time when he realized I was the same me just with a healthier outlook and better package =)

Maybe your husband is afraid of the change that he knows is sure to come?

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I'm torn on this one b/c on one hand if you asked his opinion on the purchase then you actively do otherwise it's somewhat disrespectful. If there was going to be no impact on the family financially and you aren't looking to increase your gym time, just restructure it then I would have had a "just letting you know, I'm doing this" conversation.

What I don't like is the fact that it's okay for him and not okay for you or that you need his consent! Worth a conversation with your husband on what warrants "permission" and what doesn't- and the "rules" need to apply to everyone!

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Don't deceive him or trick him. And don't throw his expenditure on the car into his face too hard or he will get defensive and this could escalate way beyond what you want.

Show him in writing that the gym does not do these $30 sessions he has imagined. Show him the fees and what is included. Find out if you can take fewer sessions at $45/session than the 16 -- where does the 16 come from anyway? Have you asked? Is there a specific reason or progression of learning for which you must have 16 as opposed to 10 sessions, for instance? Is the gym pushing 16 as their minimum they'd allow you to sign up for, and if so, why? Have you tried negotiating with them or talking directly to a trainer (as opposed to a staffer who's selling you the sessions) about what is covered and whether you can do fewer sessions?

I have to say -- $45 per session sounds expensive to me and we live in the expensive 'burbs of D.C. I know trainers can cost much more but there are many gyms out there competing hard for customers, so why not shop this around? You could also inquire at places like the county recreation centers and see if they have the same types of equipment as your gym; you might be able to get training there for a lot less and use that knowledge on your gym's equipment.

I wonder if he's supportive of other things you want to do for yourself besides this, or if he quibbles over those too? If there are not spending issues, he should let you do this (though like someone said, maybe he knows of some $$ issues that you're not aware of - he should tell you if he does!). And it's your money and your time. But it would be good to have his support because even if you spend for it yourself, it sounds like he might nag and rag on you about it -- which won't be very upbeat as you make this effort to be healthy. Have you also considered this: Does he have some other non-monetary reason to want to stop you from doing this? Does he resent the time you already spend at the gym, does he wish he could work out but doesn't, does he worry that the trainer will be a man who will be hovering over you while you work out, etc.? Just something to think about. There may be more than just a money fight going on, on his side of this.

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Buy whatever sessions you want and tell him you made a personal decision regarding the same. End of story.

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Find a local Crossfit. Some even have the TRX system. You'll most likely end up in group training but it's just as good as one on one (providing you find a good CF, which hopefully most of them are).

I've wasted my money on gym personal training and I mean wasted - they charge way too much for what they offer.

A CF gym will set you back 125.00 - 175.00 a month but that will include unlimited visits and plenty of nutritional guidance, plus a great group of people to help keep you motivated.

No, you shouldn't lie to your husband but you should tell him this is very important to you and you want to do it. YOU work AND make more money than him? Yea, you've earned it. You really shouldn't have to lie or stretch the truth.

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Well technically the 16 sessions is under $1000, so you don't have to discuss it right? I wouldn't keep it from him though - I wouldn't lie to him about it. Just let him know that you are going to do the 16 sessions as a trial, and if you feel like you want to continue then you can discuss it further in the future.

Maybe he is a little bit insecure?? Can you get a female trainer?

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Hiding things from your husband will not help you...and doing a tit-for-tat won't help you either...

Instead of hiding it from him - present him with the "argument" you gave us...explain to him again how it would not just benefit you but the family because it's NOT just about learning the equipment - it's about learning a better way of life - nutrition, etc.

If he still is opposed to it? I would say - you know what? I've presented a good basis...you have done things that have cost us a heck of a lot more and did a lot less for us...I'm sorry you don't agree with me...but I am doing it. This way - it's not a tit-for-tat/vengence issue...it's keeping him informed.

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I wouldn't hide it - but I would tell him what you decided. If you guys can afford it, he shouldnt have a problem with it. Especially since he bought a car w/out asking you.

I would still tell him what you are doing and go for it. Because at least you are being honest instead of going behind his back. Tell him that you will use your savings if he is so against it because this is what you believe in and want for your health and happiness!!!

Go girl!

Any time a married person starts talking about little lies, I get very nervous. I would buy what you need, then tell your partner, i appreciate your input and I understand what (and why) you recomended, and this is the choice I made for my well-being. I hope you can support me in this, but I'll understand if you don't.
Hope it all "works out" :)

I would buy the package & let him deal with it. It's a shame that he's being so hypocritical AND unsupportive on top of it. If you have the means & time to better yourself, why wouldn't you do it?

I think bigger issue for me is that he's trying to control the situation so much & it seems like he doesn't want you to better yourself.

Your health is one of the most important things you've got. This will be a good investment in yourself. That's all I have to say!

I wouldn't lie about it. You have the money and you budget would not suffer from it. You have told him, it is something that is important to you.

He should respect that, he can still disagree but in the end he should respect your decision.

Sometimes the reasons we aren't seeing results from working out is because we have the wrong form. A personal trainer can teach you how to correctly and safely work out.

I live by the credo that husbands are happier not knowing certain things.

Heck, he bought a car without consulting you -- yes, do the 16 sessions. You have no reason not to. Mine doesn't ask, because he knows he doesn't really want to know, but if yours asks you, just be prepared to tell a little white lie. You deserve this, and your marriage deserves peace.

Go for it.

p.s. - A trainer isn't something I'd pay for, but if you need someone to set you on the right path to exercising, I think it's a good investment.

You know what I would do? I would go ahead and buy what I wanted to buy, and then if the subject came up again I would smile and enthusiastically say "Oh yes Honey! The personal training is going great! I'm so glad you suggested the $30 per session option!!! I'm really learning a lot!"
Note: Nothing in that statement is a lie. You're not saying you followed his $30 per session option. You're just expressing your appreciation for his suggestion of it. He'll feel good, you'll feel good, and everyone will be happy (Wink!) ;-)

I set money aside and bought a 6 session package and didn't tell my husband. I take care of the money and as long as all the bills are paid I don't see why he has to tell me what I can and can't do. He buys stuff all the time that exceed what I paid for those training sessions. But that's probably really not the issue here. I'm willing to bet your husband has a bit of a confidence issue. Some husbands get threatened by their wives spending time with some "hot, fit" personal trainer. I would ask him what is really bothering him, because it's not the money.

I wouldn't keep it from him, but in your position, I wouldn't hesitate! TRX is awesome and quite addicting :) You really only need a couple sessions to learn what you can do, but I think you'd benefit more from participating in a class setting. Does you gym offer TRX as a class like mine does? It may be worth asking about because my gym's TRX class is 16 classes (8 weeks, twice per week) for $180! Even with no class, I say go for it!

I think you did the right thing! Since I didn't see anyone else who said this, I just thought I'd mention that if your husband does not also have his own personal savings like you do, insecurity or jealously or even just general discomfort with that situation might be contributing to his behavior.

Hi,
I wouldn't talk with him about it anymore. Clearly, you have your own money and work full time, so it isn't as though he is the only wage earner which would perhaps make him feel entitled to his opinion. Take your personal training sessions. If it comes up, let him know your taking personal training - don't give him a big explanation about how many or why - this is something you decided to do for yourself with your money that will make you happy and healthy - sounds all good to me.
Good luck.

My hubby would have gotten a huge piece of my mind and not only would I have bought what I wanted but I would have gotten more and thrown it in his face, especially if I had a job and made more than he.
Your hubby is being controlling. Do what you want, and don't ask, tell.
Honey I am going to do this.
You do not need his permision to go to a personal trainer.
By the way, Is he jealous? Is the trainer male? Does he control other aspects of your life?

I don't think you should lie to your husband. I think I would just sit down and tell my hubby that I have thought a lot about it and that I am going to do it and you're sorry if he doesn't agree, but you did consider his opinion before you made your decision. he probably won't be happy, but like you said, at least you told him what you planned to do before doing it, unlike the car thing. It may not be that he is worried about the money; perhaps he is worried that you will have a male personal trainer and he is not comfortable with that. I know my husband wouldn't be. Maybe when you talk to him you can assure him that you will make sure you get a female trainer. See if that helps.

Omitting information is just like lying, tell him you are going to do it, why its important, run the reasons by him and dont lie about any aspect of it. Let the chips fall where they may.
Hurting his pride as the "decision maker" is better than lying. Once you start lying, watch out.

Now if you feel he very avidly against this for some other reason and is not just trying to save money id say dont do it at all.