Gentle Sleep Training Suggestions

You have good instincts to not want her to "cry it out" - all these moms are telling you that you HAVE to let her cry it out - it's the only way, etc. That's hogwash. The "cry it out" method has been researched at Yale and Harvard medical schools and has shown to be harmful in the long-term.

http://birthnotes.blogspot.com/2007/08/cry-it-out-attitud...

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

http://www.childandme.com/cry-ing-it-out-my-damage-babys-...

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=179657

Elizabeth Pantley has a wonderful book called "The No-Cry sleep solution". Also, kellymom.com is a wonderful resource for advice about sleep issues under("parenting: nighttime and sleep".)
http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/index.html

She's getting old enough that she may be able to climb out of a crib. Not too long ago, I met a mom who's 13-month-old daughter climbed out of her crib the first time and broke her arm. I don't want to freak you out, but you just might consider it.

Since you have the space in your room, you might consider just putting the crib mattress on the floor. Then you might be able to snuggle her for a few minutes,(some moms like to get up before the baby is completely asleep, and some wait until the kid is completely out). That way, you won't have to transfer her after she falls asleep.

The crib mattress (or futon) on the floor beats those toddler beds, in my opinion, because they can still fall out of the toddler bed, or get an arm stuck near the guardrail, etc. I still have a full-size futon on the floor of my older kid's bedroom (He's 4, almost 5). He's old enough for a big kid bed, but I'm sure the baby would want to get on it, too. This way, they can take afternoon naps together safely.

In my room, I've set up my toddler's mattress on the floor on one side of my bed, nestled between the wall and the bed. It's cozy there, and we snuggle up there for storytime, turn off the lights, and I lie next to him as he nurses to sleep. (Once I was so tired that I actually fell asleep on that crib mattress, my feet hangning off, and didn't wake up until the middle of the night. Those mattresses aren't all that comfortable for adults - I can't believe I fell asleep there!)

I've noticed there's a LOT of folks warning you to NEVER let your child sleep in your bed, although there are many more dangers inherent in solitary, unsupervised sleep, including the vast majority if SIDS deaths.
Yes, an adult bed is not designed to be safe for an infant, but that doesn't mean the hazards cannot be eliminated or that bedsharing is unsafe. There are guidelines for safe bedsharing. (I can't tell you how many times I've been told that my child will *NEVER* want to sleep on his own, but one trip to IKEA to pick out some cool sheets changed that. Once he got to personalize his bed, he wanted to be there.)

Peggy O'Mara'a current editorial addressed this subject:
"Tina Kimmel, MSW, MPH, PhD, analyzed the data on which the CPSC based its recommendation against bed sharing... Kimmel's data show that crib sleeping is 2.37 times more risky than bed sharing.

"James J. McKenna, PhD, is a professor of ?anthropology, and the department chair and director of the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame, where he observes mother-infant pairs during sleep. His research on these observations demonstrates that the human infant's body is adapted only to the mother's body, and that cosleeping with nighttime breastfeeding remains potentially lifesaving.

"Finally, Peter Fleming, CBE, PhD, MBChB, FRCP, FRCPCH, professor of infant health and developmental physiology at the University of Bristol and a pediatrician at the UK's Royal Hospital for Children, Bristol, is considered the top expert in the world on Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). He recommends sleeping in the same room with the baby and, if breastfeeding, bringing the baby into bed to feed. He thinks that these and other recommendations will significantly reduce the risk of SIDS."

(from http://www.mothering.com/guest_editors/quiet_place/quiet_...)

Don't let people frighten you needlessly, guidlines for safe bedsharing, if that is something you want to do, are here:
http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/familybed.html

good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Try this book--The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I tried to avoid cio in the beginning as well and this book had some great ideas. Having said that, however, we ended up letting her cry it out, which worked quicker and more easily than any other method. If you have the patience for other methods though, try this book.

1 mom found this helpful

i won't even go into the sleep issues we have had - this response would just be too long.

after trying everything i knew to try, i ultimately only had success when i moved my daughter into another room and let her cry - but ONLY for 15 minutes at a time. my guesstimate is that 75% of the time she was asleep within the 15 minute window, and another 20% of the time it took me going in, rubbing her back (DON"T PICK UP - YOU ARE STARTING FROM SQUARE 1) and letting her go another 15 (which typically only lasted less than 5). Rarely did she need three sets of 15, and those were the days something else was going on.

I know it's hard to hear them cry. Man, I can still feel that wretched feeling now. But if you end up having to let her cry for a little bit, just keep in mind that this is absolutely one of the BEST things you can do for her in her LIFETIME.

imagine if you didn't know how to go to sleep by yourself?...

1 mom found this helpful

unfortunatley your child does not know how to sooth herself because you always do it for her.i have 3 daughters and i had to learn the hard way ,i had no siblings and had never been around babies untill my 1st.at a very,very young age children know how to manipltate which is like a back handed compliment she trust you .but you have too give here her own space ,so what i did is the 20 min check ,make sure nothing is hurting her ect..and finally she will learn to sooth herself,and she needs that in life beacause you are not always goinging to be there.

1 mom found this helpful

Read Dr. Sears. HE says some babies like to sleep alone others want to be skin to skin contact with parent (like my son). We have what he has called a family bed and have practiced attachment parenting and it works out well for us. I personally feel in this day and time small infants and children can not be too close to loving parents.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you breast feed? Even if you don't your baby can smell you. My doctor told me this and as soon as we moved and he had his own room he started sleeping through the night!

Move the crib out of your room. Babies make noises that are sometimes misunderstood as being awake or needing something and you are sensitive to these noises as a mom and wake up easily. Then turn the monitor on low so you only wake up if she is really crying. If she does continue to wake up, when you go to her room, don't pick her, just rub her back and simply tell her it's still night night time, go back to sleep. You may have to stand there longer than you wish if you are not willing to let her cry a little.

I have had 4 girls and only one of them had this problem. I also had all of my girls out in there own rooms by the time they were 8 months old. I feel that my husband and I are allowed our space and my girls we allowed there space. I know you not interested in letting her cry but it will not hurt her. You can check on her every 15 to 20 min and I am sure she will learn that she is ok and how to clam her self down. She needs to learn that you will not always pick her up as soon as she starts crying and doesn't stop. Just my 2 cents and by they way I am a mother of 4 girls and 4 grandchildren.

My daughter is 14 months as well and she still cont's to wake up during the night. I have 2 suggestions, one is moe her crib to another room. When she wakes up and see's you in your bed, of course she is going to want to sleep next to you.
Does she start out in her crib, if so if she cries during the night, have you tried having her sleep next to you then moving her to her crib and she waking up in her crib in the morning? I have done this with my dd. She still nurses and sometimes I have found for myslef that having her sleep next to me in bed all night is not good for me in getting alot of sleep so she starts out in her crib in her room, then she wakes up around midnight, joins me in my bed, then I put her back in her crib after 2 hours. She doesnt wake up till 9am.
Also if you dont want her to be in your bed at all, does the rocking/soothing her to sleep help when she wakes up. Placing in her crib crying some, maybe rubbing her back to ressure her. I know you said you didnt want to do crying it out but it might help to let her cry for a few min. to see if she can soothe herself back to sleep, but after 10 min. she doesnt do so, then go in there and rub her back and or start the rocking/patting her back again. I have and still co-sleep with mine when the above doesnt work out for her. I can honestly say that she slept on her own better when she was an infant then she did once she hit 10 months and on.
Good luck and hopefully something will work for you.

Elizabeth Pantley has a great book titled The No Cry Sleep sotutions todders and preschoolers. I bought it off of Amazon.
Good luck,
V. E.

Hi E.. I have a few suggestions. It sounds to me like your daughter is getting in the habit of sleeping with you and eventually will be in your bed full time if you do not make some changes pretty quick! If possible I think it is time for her to have her own room. Then when she wakes up, go to her and comfort her by rocking her or rubing her back. Now would be a good time to give her someting that comforts her like a stuffed bear or a special blanket. You may need to stay with her by her crib and rub her back while she settles down. Also, make sure that you comfort her but quietly, not to much talking and keep the lights off so that she understands that this is not day time or play time. If you keep putting her in the bed with you, this will become her routine and she will make it a habit of sleeping with you for months to come. Believe me this will be much harder to break as she gets older. Making a big deal of the fact that she is in her own room and keeping her out of yours even during the day time will eventually work. However, you probably will have some crazy nights until she adjusts. Also, make sure that you are having a very regular bedtime and regular rituals. Put her to bed the same time every night and make sure it is not to early. I used to always go with snack, bath, song, book then bed. Make sure the song and book are always in her room. Let me know how it works out.

PLEASE don't put your precious little one in the bed with you no matter what it takes! Too many little ones have been smothered, of course unintentionally, as an adult rolls over, even side-ways on them blocking their airways! Try some massagae techniques and you may not want the "crt it out" but if you know the real sounds of her needs (as I am sure you do my now) then this will be in HER best interst and you as parents as she grows up. Having a child in the bed with you disturbs your sleep cycle and makes you less valuable as the parent! Research some options online!!! Good luck! Have you tried soft music like the ocean? S.

As a very expierenced mother, I can tell you that your child now has you tried. She knows you will put her in your bed to fall back asleep and if she cries you will pick her up. If you are not going to let her figure out how to work it out herself and let her cry it out, then she will continue to do this to you. Best of luck.

I found after my children got up to 10 months old I had to have them sleep in their own rooms so they and I could get better sleep. I didn't let them cry it out because I always felt if they were crying it was their way of telling me somethings isn't right and they need help. I got the Oceans Wonders little machine that plays music and/or ocean sounds that lights up and you see a fish swim in the bowl of it. They could push the button themselves and it put them to sleep. I now have got one for a relative of mine and it came with a remote so the parent can be outside of the room and push the button to see if that helps put baby back to sleep. The relative I got it for loves it and their baby wakes up in the night they hear it for a while without crying and after the music or ocean sound is off they check and baby is fast asleep. In fact after I had a surgery a few years later I used it to put me to sleep I love the ocean sounds...
Other then picking her up this is the only other thing I can think of so she can be more dependent on herself to get her back to sleep. Everyone needs sleep to help stay healthy. Best of luck to you.

We've gone through things like this with each of our five children, and I don't care for the crying it out methods. The other night I ended up sleeping part of the night on the floor by my 14 month old's crib, although he usually does well through the night now. How does she fall asleep? Does she fall asleep independently or in your bed? If you can get her used to falling asleep in her bed by herself, that will help. I'd suggest trying to gradually wean her of her bad nighttime habits by trying other things besides your bed and crying it out. Perhaps you could sit next to her crib and gently rub her back or sing to her or lay down next to her crib. Anything that's soothing to her and keeps her in her crib is a step in the right direction. You might also want to seriously consider putting her crib in another room. I've found I sleep better when I don't hear every time the baby rolls over, and the baby usually sleeps better too. How about moving her crib into a room that has a twin bed you could sleep on when she is unsettled at night?

E.,
Just let me tell you, I've been around quite awhile and my response will be straight forward to you, not to offend, but to help you so please understand.
She needed to be in her own room, like eight months ago. I know it's hard, but you have to do it or you will become a slave to her every whim. Crying it out won't hurt her, but it will hurt you more to hear it. This is the payday that has been coming ever since you decided it was easier for you to have her in your room and your bed. There's no way out now. Listen, as long as you know she is safe in her bed then you need to try and accept that some crying is the only way. You show her you love her by helping her to accept being away from you. Believe me life can get pretty miserable if you wait too much longer and feel over sorry for her because she cries about this. Tough it out and you all will be so much happier in a very short time. How is it that a sweet little thing at this age can train their parents in 24 hours and some tears, but the grownup can't seem to train them in that amount of time? The answer: you give in and feel guilty and are not consistent, then you pay for way too long.
Give her tons of love as you start the change and listen to the other mother's suggestions, they have great ideas on how to do it.
I wish you both didn't have to go through it, but I wish you much luck! You can do it, I know you can.

Most of this is a phase that has turned into a bad habit. And probably the only way to stop it is to put her bed in her own room. She is little and can't understand why I can see mommy laying there but she won't come to pick me up. You are right there in her line of sight ever night, where as if she was in her own room, you aren't as assicible to her when she wakes up. There for she will have to put herself back to sleep. If she decides to play in her crib for 3 hrs, it won't effect you either cause she is in another room. Put her in her own room and give it about a week and she will be sleeping through the night or at least not crying out for you as much and putting herself back to sleep.

Good luck!
S.

I fixed my children's sleep problems with the use of Tracy Hogg's book Baby Whisperer. She has a book specificall for sleep problems. The book really saved my life. Not getting enough sleep can really wear you out. Good luck, I hope her bookl can help!

Our current youngest (and the only one that did this) slept with us until the age of 2yo. She would never sleep in her own bed or room. By the time she was two, we had moved my mother into our house (she has cancer, etc.) and gave up our master bedroom and my husband and I and our 2 1/2yo are in her little pink room. But, our 2yo is in her own twin bed right beside our queen size bed. She does quite well.

We just saw early on that she needed us..our boys didn't have a problem. They slept in their cribs, etc., this one threw us for a loop! That's okay...it was what she needed.

I used the Dr. Ferber method of CIO ("Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Richard Ferber) and it worked wonders for us, but I know that you are not interested in that. A friend of mine suggested the Dr. Hull method for a gentler approach. Go to http://www.drhull.com/ for a full explanation.

Good luck!

I am sure you are getting lots of feedback about this as it's such a huge and common problem. I have two resources to give you - the Sleep Lady - she has a website and book - (sleeplady.com). Also, Tracy Hogg - the baby whisperer - she has a good book or two also. Both advocate and explain how to help a child to sleep gently - basically being there and doing things like stroking her back and talking her through it. (although they also say that sometimes you have to start with picking her up but put her down as soon as she stops crying)There will be still be some tears, but at least you are still there for her. Its not easy of course and will take time, but it is much easier on the heart than cio! And eventually she WILL sleep on her own - just keep that in mind! Good luck!

We enjoyed having both of our girls sleep with us in our bed, but if that is not an option for you, could you put the crib next to your bed, so you could reach through the slats easily and pat her back to sleep? This would mean you wouldn't have to get up out of bed, and she'd know that you were right there next to her. That worked for our daughter at the same age, when I really needed to move her out of our bed to make room for the next baby coming soon! Good luck, and follow your instincts. There's a reason baby crying gets to moms...it's supposed to! Good luck!

Have you tried a sound machine? It works great, and also a lovey that you can give her only when she is in her crib. I have done this with my second and it works so well, she goes right to sleep, whereas my 3 year old still wakes up every night and comes into our room because I wasn't interested in crying it out with my first either. it takes 3 nights to train a new sleep pattern so if you try something new stick it out for 3 days. good luck! a good book is Moms on Call.

Oh these anti co-sleepers!! Having your baby in the bed is wonderful, bonding, and actually has been proven to REDUCE SIDS. The children that shouldn't be in their parents' beds are the ones who have folks that smoke, drink heavily, do drugs, have huge pillows and mattress tops and that have no instincts whatsoever.
I loved having my son in my bed. He went to his bed through gradual steps and by two was sleeping soundly in his room-no problem. Because he learned sleeping was a positive, great experience he's never had issues. At 2 and a half, he's telling us when he's ready for bed.
Mommies and babies breathe and go through cycles at night together, you remind them to breathe.
My family bed is open to my daughter now and we all love it.
And your children are NOT manipulating you, they have not developed that ability. They want to know you are there when they feel they are alone. There are gentle, positive ways to parent, you will find you will feel so rewarded for sticking it out, even if it takes a little bit longer. Gentle, respectful parenting will result in gentle, respectful children.
Now, for teaching to go to sleep. It can be pretty simple, whatever tactic you use to lull them to sleep (for us nursing). Shorten it little by little, leaving them a little more awake each time. Slowley but surely, they'll find themselves figuring out how to go to sleep. Within a couple of months my son was sleeping all night and learned not wake me to nurse until the room was lit.
Good luck to you, and I'm happy you've been able to experience what it is like to share your bed with your child.