Gender Disappointment - Wolcott,CT

I know exactly how you feel. We have 5 boys and have been trying for a girl since #2. Most days I'm able to not think about it. I love my boys so much that I'm just engrossed in them, but the thought of never having a daughter does get to me sometimes.
An older lady at my church with 6 boys of her own gave me some great advice. She said, "Start praying for your daughter in laws now, because they will be your daughters and give birth to your granddaughters." She was very happy because she had such great DILs and now got to spoil several granddaughters.
We just take what God gives us and thank Him for knowing what's best and caring for us daily. Keep the attitude of gratitude and you will never be depressed.

6 moms found this helpful

When I was pregnant with my third child, I just knew in my heart I was having a boy. I never wanted to confirm the gender of my babies with ultrasound because I wanted to be surprised but with my third child, knowing it might be a boy actually terrified me. I am a very girly girl. I love my two daughters and have enjoyed playing with them, dressing them up, letting them be girly girls like me so I honestly didn't know how my girly nature would help raise a boy. I felt that I would have nothing in common with a son, that I'd have nothing to offer him because of my femininity. Well, that third child was indeed a boy and when I saw him, I fell so deeply love that I felt dumb for feeling like how I had felt all through my pregnancy with him. My son is now 4 years old and he is just the best thing that God gave me (besides my two daughters, of course!). A friend from church told me something I will share with you. She said, "God often gives us what we need, not what we want." And I smile every time I look at my little boy because while I wanted a girl because of my foolish fears, God knew I needed a boy and how I am so happy I have him. I wouldn't trade him for a girl ever!

I don't believe in the "boys are easier than girls." Every child, no matter what their gender, has a unique personality. Some personalities clash while others blend nicely. My son is so opposite of his sisters, as each of my girls are so different from each other. Each of my children are a blessing from God...because He gave me what I needed and not necessarily what I thought I wanted. When your daughter is born, you will look into her beautiful precious, innocent face and you will be overwhelmed with a love for her that you never thought possible.

Edit:
BTW: I am pregnant with a 4th child. It was unplanned, unexpected. I read some of the posts after I had submitted my response and felt compelled to add something else. While there are women in the world who would give up just about anything to have a child, there are women, like myself, who have decided a long time ago that they only wanted a set number of children and that was that. Well, this pregnancy took me by surprise as I had gotten rid of everything and our house is small, and it wasn't planned, my youngest starts kindergarten next year and I was making plans for my future. I could go on and on. My point is that because I did not want to be pregnant, finding out that I am with child for the 4th time really devastated me. I wasn't happy about it...at all. I cried about it for a long time. But I began to pray and ask God to help me get through this, to help me cope, to help me accept and embrace this "gift" that He has given me. And in time, I slowly began to embrace this pregnancy and I am 23 weeks pregnant now and I can honestly say that I am excited now. It took time to get to where I am today and with you, it will take time as well. But you will get there, you will get to where you start to feel a little excited and then you will feel your baby move inside of you...and it will make your heart smile. Yes, sometimes I think, "Oh my gosh, we are having another baby!" But I'm excited about it now. And in time, so will you.

6 moms found this helpful

Disappointment is a result of expectations. Expectations are unrealistic wants that always set us up. You created an expectation out of a situation that you had absolutely no control over and therefore the result was disappointment.

Our belief systems are the basis for our feelings. Often we are unaware of our core beliefs and yet they are the ones that run our lives. They are what we make decisions out of and what cause our reactions to any given situation.

For you, I would wonder what beliefs were driving your deep desire for a girl and the corresponding sadness. For example, you mentioned the close relationship with your mother. Is there still some grieving that you need to do? (Yes, it has been a long time, however, grieving has no time limits and often, especially in this country, we don't fully have permission to grieve and therefore it lingers over time and gets stirred up when we face any loss). Do you have beliefs that boys aren't as close to mothers as girls?

You also mentioned your love of girl things. Could it be that you, as a busy mom, are neglecting yourself and all the girlie things that you would enjoy? When is the last time you dressed up just because? Have you ever dreamed of taking a dance class but believe you just really don't have the time or money? ( I started country dancing when my children were little and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. It has been the one constant in my life over the last 12 crazy years.) As a mother we often put everyone else on the list and leave ourselves completely off. You may have been hoping that a daughter would give you permission to enjoy some of the things your not allowing for yourself right now.

One last thought is that whenever we resist what is we suffer. You stated that you don't want to be sad. What if you just really let yourself be sad? What if you just sat down with a notebook and a box of kleenex and wrote a letter to the daughter you wanted to have. Just open up to all of the sadness and wanting and loss that you feel and really give yourself permission to feel it all. The feelings will flow in and then pass through. Feelings only harm us, by turning into things like depression and disease, when we resist them and stuff them. When we fully allow ourselves to feel, rational or not, then we create a space for them to run their course and move through.

5 moms found this helpful

OMG, Momof3H, if you don't anything constructive to HELP this mother with, why are you out here posting? Or maybe judging other people is your favorite passtime? Calm down honey, and go find another outlet for your energy.

C., I just had a little girl 5 mos ago, and I was the exact opposite of you. I was CRUSHED when I found out she was a girl. Literally, sobbed in the ultrasound chair, becuase I wanted a brother for my son.
As you know, once you see that little face smile back at you, all of the disappointment will go away. Just try to remember that as you get through the rest of your pregnancy. You'll probably always wish you had a girl, but you'll never wish you DIDN'T have your 3rd son. Know what I mean? Hang in there. I understand your feeling (we're also done having kids, so no chance for another boy), but it will get a lot better over time.

4 moms found this helpful

Momof3 H you need to relax. Obviously you have been pregnant before and know how emotions can get out of control so why would you ATTACK another mom like that? Way to make her cry even more. I know when I was pregnant I was an entirely different person and since you don't personally know this mom I don't think what you posted was very fair at all.
Sorry C. P that you had to get attacked like that. I don't have any advice for you (3 boys myself) but the other post made me kind of angry. I just don't understand people sometimes.

4 moms found this helpful

Ok, Momof3 H needs to hush! I hate rude women on this site and am very close to stop using this site b/c of posters like her!

What you are feeling will pass as soon as you see that beautiful baby's face, maybe even before. My SIL was the same way when she was pregnant with my nephew. My MIL had all boys and when she met me, she took me under her wing like I was her daughter and we have a mother/daughter relationship. My husband jokes that she loves me more than him and his brothers. You'll have a chance to do those things you want to do with little girls. Maybe not until you have a Granddaughter or daughter-in-law but it will happen. My MIL is a Girl Scout leader. That is something you could always do too. Good luck!

BTW- I'm pregnant with #4 and I'm hoping for a girl. I might be in the same boat as you in a couple weeks when we find out the gender.

3 moms found this helpful

I can only imagine how you feel right now. We have twin boys and a third on the way. I am very open with people when I tell them I want a little girl. When I was pregnant with my twins, I thought for sure I'd have a girl. We found out one was a boy, and then three weeks later we saw the other was a boy. I was heartbroken for a couple of days. We'll find out in about six weeks what we're having. I know I'll be disappointed if it's another boy, but I have to trust that God will give me the child I need, not the child I want. So, if He thinks we are to be a family of all boys, I have to trust that. I know it doesn't help you much, but I understand where you're coming from.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry you didnt get the little girl you wanted. Maybe someday down the road, you'll have a close friend who has a little girl, you can borrow. :) My friend, without a daughter, loves to take my little girl out for lunch and shopping. (She is 4) All the fun without the bratty little girl part that the mom has to deal with.
Congratulations on the upcoming addition to your family. Best wishes.

3 moms found this helpful

I totally understand your disappointment. I think we all to some extent want to re-enact the good parts of our childhood through our children - playing with dolls, dressing up, even some of the drama of our teen years. I know a lot of moms that have close relationships with their mothers feel like a son won't stay in their life the way a daughter does. There used to be an expression that there was a special place in heaven for the mother of 3 boys. So I think it's okay to grieve a little - once the baby comes you will love him as you have your first 2 boys and as they grow they will all have their unique personalities and you'll come to appreciate that even if you had a little girl, she wouldn't likely have your personality or your interests anyway. My daughter and I are very different people but I love her deeply and I appreciate the opportunity I've had to be a parent. Don't feel bad about grieving this, though, it's very normal, and it won't get in the way of enjoying your new blessing when he arrives and you have the joy of a baby in the house again!

3 moms found this helpful

I know the feeling! I wanted to give my hubby a son in the WORST way. He is the only one left to carry on his family name. I felt I was a total disappointment to him when I gave him 3 girls and 0 sons. BUT, as soon as they placed those babies in my arms, the disappointment melted away. Would he like a son? Absolutely! Would he trade the girls for one? NEVER! All 3 are his best friends. He goes everywhere and does everything with them. Just remember--YOU had no control over the gender...it was HIM.

3 moms found this helpful

I don't have specific web site advice but I just wanted to encourage you to try to see this baby as a unique entity in and of itself. Your job is to love whomever this little person is (not who you want him/her to be).

I have two sons, and if I had a third would love a girl (especially when I was younger). But as my children have gotten older that has become less and less interesting to me. I'm just so thankful that God gave me the precious angels that he did. And if by miracle another precious angel came into my life - I wouldn't quibble over the gender.

Not to mention, there is no guarantee that a girl would like cheerleading or other "girly" stuff (I didn't).

Good luck, and hang in there. Your feelings are what they are - don't beat yourself up. Just try to seek deeper meaning and clarification.

2 moms found this helpful

Whoa. I really hope these feeling pass quickly. If necessary, seek counseling to help you see all three boys as the complete and total blessings that they each are. I'm a believer in God giving up exactly what we need exactly when we need it, so look deeper. He doesn't make mistakes.
AND--you'll have 3 daughters-in-law one day!

2 moms found this helpful

realize there was no guarantee your daughter would have liked to do any of those things . one day youll be more financially independent and youll have GRANDKIDS!!!! hopefully lots of them and maybe , just maybe they will all have 3 girls! Maybe youll have the chance to adopt or be a part of a girls life. Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

I feel your pain.

I have boys. I adore my boys, but I would have liked to have a girl too.

I get my girl fix with my girlfriends and nieces. I am hopeful for sweet daughter-in-laws, and a grand-daughter some day, and that's how it becomes okay. Do your best to focus on these things so that you can enjoy your sweet boys while they are young. This is the time when they will adore you......so relish it!

I don't think you need a support group specifically for this. Find yourself a good therapist and just plan to go 2-3 times. I think this could help you tremendously.

I do understand. I would just tell you it is okay to mourn this as a loss. It doesn't mean you don't love your boys. As time goes on it won't feel as bad as it does right now.

1 mom found this helpful

Well, you can always look forward to granddaughters... :P My grandma had 4 boys... they all only had uncles... so I was the first girl born into my family for 3 generations. :P My grandma SPOILED me (until my little sister came along and stole all my glory. lol)

1 mom found this helpful

I totally understand your situation... I also am a "girly-girl" and also lost my mom years ago. When I was pregnant with my 3rd boy, I was disappointed for awhile... I had to take the time to mourn the baby girl I wasn't having. I too had expected to raise a girl. But, I can tell you now that my 3 little boys are my world! I never wish that one of them was a girl and I couldn't imagine having anything but boys! I have learned to love being the only girl in the household. And, I am so grateful that my little boys are buddies. I truely hope that you don't go into depression... Talk to your doctor if you feel you are depressed. If you can, give it some time and ignore any negative comments. It's difficult expecting one thing and receiving another (even if it's a blessing in disguise)! Best of luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,
I know several families of all boys and each mom grieved the loss. It took time and there is nothing wrong with your feelings. :0)Being an only child really increases the feelings of loss, I know. I will look online and see if there is a group. Hang in there.

1 mom found this helpful

I can understand your disappointment and grief. Who says you can't do arts and crafts with boys? Why not dancing? Why not cooking?

If you are really this bothered with your feelings, nothing wrong with seeking counseling, either a professional or a pastor (if you are religiously inclined).

One day all these boys may load you down with a passel of granddaughters. Your cup may overflow!

Hang in there mama!

1 mom found this helpful

It took my son being a few years old before I realized how lucky I was to have had HIM and not a girl. Here's why:

With a girl I would have wanted her to be something (exes just like you gave; close to me, girly girl, cheerleader, whatever). With my son... I get to just watch him grow up. I don't have expectations on him to be anything other than who he is.

1 mom found this helpful

There is nothing wrong with you volunteering for the girl scouts, maybe being a troop co-leader? It might help you get your girl "fix", you could also look into a cheerleading program near you, pee-wee cheerleaders are always looking for people who are interested in helping out with practices, fundraisers, etc.
You can find opportunities to volunteer at these type of events, and still be the little boy's mom. Nothing wrong with that!

I wouldn't let the disappointment upset you so much. Yes you had a dream of doing all the girly things together but had you thought about the thought that she could be a tomboy? This would mean that you wouldn't get to do all the "planned dreams" you envisioned. Pray for a happy healthy baby boy. You never know he may want to cook, and draw and paint with you.

Here's to a happy health delivery of your new son.

The other S.

PS Look for the bright side of things and rejoice. Many people would jump at the opportunity just to have a baby so count your blessings.

I think its okay to be disappointed, however don't let it consume your life. Now that you know your expectations have not been met just focus on what you have or will have. Focus on raising three boys whom can make wonderful husbands one day. If you really need help, like others have suggested, get a little bit of therapy.

Just be patient...that little girl will most likely walk into your life someday. My MIL had three boys and now has 2 grandsons and 4 granddaughters.

Congrats & Best Wishes!

Your little boy is exactly who he is supposed to be. I know you're disappointed right now, but once that little man is born, you will love him just as fiercely as you do your others. Just know that once he's here, you will look at him and wonder how you could ever be satisfied with anyone else, because he is going to fit perfectly! :D Sometimes we don't get what we think we want, and that's okay. I know it's uncomfortable for a little while, but it will pass.

K.

Don't be upset because you are disappointed! Its something you felt, wanted, so you should grieve it. It doesn't mean that you will love your third little prince any less, but you are going to have to grieve the loss of what you were expecting so you can move on.

I have two boys and we had to work very hard to get them biologically. I will admit when we had our second son I was disappointed because I knew if we wanted to have a third child biologically it would take a long time and lots of work. Turns out, it took 2yrs and we ended up pursing adoption and we just got home two months ago with our sweet little girl from Ukraine. God puts us on the path we are supposed to be on.

You had a dream of a little girl, so you must deal with the loss you are feeling so you can move on and enjoy your new little guy when he comes. Congratulations on your expanding family!

Go to a counselor to share your feelings. And also so you can learn how to cope with the disappointment. We don't always get what we want, but your new little bundle deserves a happy momma so take care of yourself. I've also never heard of a support group most likely because people would probably be too emabarrassed to admit they were upset about having a boy or a girl. When I was preggers with my son I just assumed I'd have a girl as there wasn't a boy born for 31 years in our family. When I found out I was having a boy I was shocked and momentarily dispaired, what the heck would I do with a boy? I also hated boy things as well and being in fashion dreamed of dressing my little girl up in the cutest outfits etc. My son was born and he was gorgeous , if I do say so myself. I went crazy shopping for him and looking for clothes that weren't blue and I made it my mission to have him play with whatever he wanted and I too became a Star Wars warrior when he requested. My son is 8 now and I could not love another human being more. Yes he is loud and seems to get more energetic as the day goes on, hates school loves to wrestle, also loves to cook and bake with me, garden with his mom-mom and take mixed martial arts with his dad. What I am saying aside from not being able to dress your new son in dresses you can have just as close a relationship with him as you would a daughter. I even told my son, one day when he gets married his wife will be his #1 and I won't which is the way it should be. Without skipping a beat my son said "you'll still be my #1, I just won't tell my wife!" Of course that won't really happen when he is older but it was sweet to say. Enjoy your boys , this too shall pass.

I went through this as well when I was pregnant with my last and third girl. I know its hard. Part of me felt so sad about it, and part of me was overwhelmed with guilt for being sad about it. My own reason for wanting a boy was that I was one of 3 girls. I felt like it was somehow a disappointment to other people as well as myself that I ended up repeating the chain. As if I had any control over it...

I don't know if online help is available but I can tell you how I worked through it.

Most importantly, I did see a counselor. That was simply because I was very sad overall during that pregnancy. I was suffering from depression and needed medication - the depression did make the gender disappointment worse and magnified how it affected me emotionally. My OB-GYN worked with the psychiatrist I was referred to in order to help me find the safest medication.

This is not to imply that you need a psychiatrist or medication. I did. You may very well not be in that same place. I do think though, that a counselor is never a bad idea. They can, at least, help to put our hormone-ridden pregnancy brains at ease and help to work through some of the other stress-inducing life changes we are facing. (like being pregnant and chasing 2 other kids around)

I wish you the best!

I have some friends with four boys!! I think maybe they were trying for a girl but it just wasn't in the plans for them... Now their boys are older and all so handsome and play together so well. I also have two boys and we would like a third and are hopeful for a girl, although my dr has told me that in her many years of experience it is more common to have all the same gender once you have two the same. I think you are probably just passing through the stages of grief, you know denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. It is a loss to know that you will not have a girl, plus you don't know this little baby boy yet to help soften the blow. I also had a friend who got pregnant with her fourth and they were so done. She was not a happy camper. But now that little guy is the light of her life, he is such a sweet boy! So, just go through the feelings and I think you will come out to acceptance. This baby boy is a gift to your family and you have a lifetime to see why. I don't know any sites, wish I did, but you can always talk to a counselor or maybe your OB would be a good resource for help if these sad feelings persist. None of us knows what sex children we will be blessed with, but I know it is easy to put a strong stake in it. I wish you a healthy happy pregnancy and baby:D Good luck!!

Good morning and I think it is ok for you to be disappointed. I grew up a tomboy and always thought that if I had any kids wanted all boys. Not because easier but because I never was a girlie girl. We found out with our second one that the baby was going to be a girl I was disappointed. Then with the 3rd one found out boy was disappointed not girl. Don't know of any sites, but I find so many women on this site are so good with making people feel better. Those hormones are at work too. I'm sure you have had many wonderful memories already with your 2 boys and you will have many more with #3.