Gender Disappointment - Beverly Hills,CA

Just pretend that you have spent years trying to have a baby with no luck and how heartbreaking and crushing that is, and now realize you have been blessed with two children.

Frankly, I can't imagine life without my sisters. It makes me sad my daughter doesn't have a sister.

(And about the 3rd baby issue, never say never, right?)

(And all three of my 20-24 week ultrasounds were correct about sex)

:)

I know how you feel. When I was pregnant with my son my hubby and I really wanted a girl. but we found out we were having a boy. My husband actually cried (though he says I am remembering it wrong lol) he said he didnt know what to teach a boy. I asked him what was he going to teach a girl. he said well I thought you would take of that. But my son was born and I couldn't imagine a bettter baby, and now when i get upset its because he is getting sooo big (already two) now I am pregnant with a girl even though we only planned on having the one.

When I was pregnant with our fourth we all really wanted a boy. My Son had girls overwhelming everything. We all thought it would be great for him to have a little brother. I explained to him that he was going to have another sister and he was disappointed. We told him that he could still share his room with her if he would like. He said he would love her but he was sad. At 31 weeks our little girl passed away. We were all so very sad. My son said he would have painted his entire room pink for her with big tears in his eyes. Shortly later we found out we were pregnant again. Our second son died in the fourth month. All of us were so distraught. We decided that our family must be complete because we felt there was no way on earth we could handle loosing one more child. To our surprise about three years later we had a healthy baby girl. When this little girl was born some of my son's friend said, "Don't you wish she was a brother?" My son took one look at them and said, "WHAT? Did you look at her? She is perfect! God gave me that sister and he knows what is best."

I guess I am trying to say that God gives you what is perfect. You going to argue with perfection?

I had a hard time deciding if I would respond to this, as I don't normally answer posts where I am feeling I could be mean. I won't be mean to you, but please understand how awful it sounds. You are going to have another beautiful girl, and one day you and your husband will look at her and think "What would we do without you". Believe it! She will be loved as much as that little boy you wished for.

Lastly, be THANKFUL. Remind yourself and your husband of the thousands that cannot conceive, and would do anything to be in your shoes!

Maybe I'm twisting things, but I don't see you actually disappointed in the baby you are going to have. I see you disappointed in what isn't coming. And, to me, that's a big difference. We're having baby #5. We have 1 boy and 3 girls. We REALLY were hoping this one would be a boy so that our son could have a brother to beat up instead of his sisters;-) We found out it was a girl. We were super excited about another girl, but we felt sad that our son wouldn't get to have that brother he really wanted. It had nothing to do with the new baby coming really...just what wasn't coming.

You'll adjust to the news. If you are feeling upset at your baby for being a girl, then you might want to do some soul searching until you find peace with it. Or see if a little bit of time can help those feelings go away. Sometimes a little time will readjust all your expectations and in the end be really exciting.

As some have said, two of the same gender will be easier than two of opposite gender. If you have two of the opposite gender, you'll have two "oldest child" personalities. If they are the same gender, then you'll only have one "oldest child".

Maybe one day you'll have a third baby:-)

ADDED: Ultrasounds are pretty accurate, but there is always the slight possibility that they are wrong.

This is why I never found out the sex of my babies before they were born. I never wanted to feel once iota of disappointment in the perfect human beings they were. I knew when I met them they would be just exactly who they needed to be. And when I met each of my three boys, they were. Mind you, I'm pretty sure that if I had ten children they would all be boys.

It is ok to mourn for a bit about the boy you will not have, get it out of your system, and than prepare to meet his amazing gift, this beautiful girl growing inside you. Try not to cling to the idea that ultra sound may have been wrong. It does rarely happen, but all you will be doing is prolonging your disappointment when you should be allowing yourself to get over it so you can focus on the joy of your new daughter. and as a mom of 2 boys (never got my girl) I can tell you it is actually really wonderful having 2 of the same sex, they bond in a way differ sex siblings sometimes can't.

The chinese chart and the wives tales are b.s. Symptoms mean nothing either. It's just something people like to say and since it was probably obvious you wanted a boy they saw that it made you happy. Your husband may want a boy if he had a choice but honestly, when it comes down to it, people don't really care. I know you have a girl already so the "dream" is one of each. Ultrasounds are pretty accurate but you may want to wait until you get another one just to be sure. Did they say probably or definetey a girl? I am sorry, I don't have advice for "coping" but I know when you have that baby in your arms, that will certainly help. After 2 years of finally getting the baby you wanted, why not focus on that joy instead of gender?

There are a lot of shy boys out there. I have four friends that were told they were going to have a girl that turned out to be boys. It is when they say it is a boy that it is almost always right.

What was funny in light of your question is every one of them wanted a girl because they had all boys. Went out and bought all this girl stuff, their friends bought them girl stuff. Then the baby was born, oops.

My kids were boy girl boy girl but even so I can't imagine feeling disappointed about gender. Another thing I want to add my best friend growing up was the third girl. She could always tell her parents were so disappointed she wasn't a boy. Is that really the life you want for this child?

I can understand your disappointment, but I bet when you hold that baby in your arms you will love that child instantly! It's ok to feel the way you do, but in time you will get over it. And yes, I do know someone that was told they were having a girl and ended up having a boy. So it can happen!
God Bless,
A.

NO, the only way to know for sure is once the baby's born!!

I wanted boys... my first 2 were girls... I have 2 little brothers, so all I knew were GI Joes, legos, and nerd guns... by the time my son finally came, I can't get off glitter and barbies!!

I wouldn't change my girlies in for anything in the world now :)

Well my first two kids,i got a ultrasound and was told it was a girl.(all the same syptoms) My 3rd. the dr. told me 2 times it was a girl,but that pregnacy was total different from the first two. The day of my c-section the nurses was joking with my dr about making a boy and so on. As soon as the baby came out they said "oh its a boy!!!" It was a total shock.

It never matter to me what we was going to have. With the 3rd,I was actually excited about having another girl.(thought it would be cute to dress them all alike and so on.I look at the postive stuff) But I was very thankful for getting blessed with a boy. My MIL drove me nuts while I was pregnat with my 3rd child, telling everyone about having a grandson and about how her son was the last one in the family to carried the last name on. Both my husband and I didn't care what we had. We figured whatever God blessed us with that we should be thankful. Not to many woman can get pregnant on their own and even with help they can't. So many babies are born with health problems. Should count your blessings. I do!!! Same thing with my aunt she wanted a girl and had two boys, as go for my uncle, he wanted a boy and had 3 girls. I think God has more control of things!!

It was kinda sad b/c our Pastor,his daughter had two boys and wanted a girl so bad. She was pregnant with her 3rd about the same time as mine 3rd. When she got her ultrasound done,they said it was another boy. Needless to say she cry in the dr's office and still went brought girls clothes.Same with her brother,he had two girls and they adopted a boy.
I don't understand why people can't be happy with what they get. Maybe I'm different I guess. :) I'm thankful for whatever I get. Needless to say If I have a 4th child,I doubt I'll get a ultrasound done. I think it was alot better not "knowing" and not have people on you so much about having a girl or boy.

.... I hope, your Husband, will not be disappointed in the gender. And if he does get 'another' girl, I hope he adapts to that.

You are 'disappointed' because you wanted a boy, because Hubby wanted a boy.
But, it is the MAN... that determines the gender in a baby. It is their chromosome, that determines the sex in a baby. So KNOW that.

Now, in some countries, if a couple has a girl, they throw that baby away. Literally. Girls are not valued nor valuable. Very sad.

You are a woman. You have a daughter. You may have another daughter and that is special.
A girl, can be and do anything they want in life.

Ya know, when I was pregnant the first time, I wanted a boy. Always wanted a boy. But, it was a girl. For about 1 week, I was sad. But then I got my brain turned around. Because... ANY baby, is a gift. And when my daughter was born, I could not imagine, life without her. She is so neat. She is 8 now, and she really is a great kid. My girl.
Then my 2nd child was a boy! And that is great too.

The thing is, once the baby is born... do not display any disappointment... otherwise, that child will grow up KNOWING you are disappointed. Kids and even babies, can feel and read vibes, very well. And it will negatively affect the child.

Me, the only reason I was born, was because, my Mom had had a miscarriage once. Or I would not have been born, because they already had had the number of children they wanted. BUT, so I was born. And I was wanted. No matter what gender.

Ultrasounds are pretty accurate, but not always. I wouldn't, however, pin your hopes on a mistake...sorry! ;) I get being disappointed, I think that's natural, but don't let it bog you down. In another few days or a week you'll be over it and just be excited to meet your baby girl! Think of all the fun things that your daughters will be able to do and share as sisters!!! I always wished I had a sister and I'm sure your daughter will be so thrilled!

Look at your daughter and imagine her being someone else, a boy, maybe? Would you miss her? Would you want her to go back to being the special person you know and love? Of course, because you don't love her *because* she is a girl, or isn't a boy. Just the same, you wouldn't love this new baby more because it was a boy, and you won't love her any less because she is a girl.

Once you meet her, and as the years go by and you know who she is in her soul, you will not be able to imagine your life with anyone else. Even a boy.

Not that your feelings are wrong, when I was preg with my second I wanted another boy for lots of reasons. We already had all the clothes ;) My son would have a brother to wrestle with. Our first child was a boy and we loved him oh so much! I am totally not into girlie stuff and clothes, so it just didn't feel right to be a mother to a girl...

The day we found out we were having a girl, I was SOOOO excited! It felt so strange to me, because I was looking foward to having two boys. But in the end I felt like maybe I had wanted a daughter all along. Don't worry, as soon as you meet your beautiful daughter you will be so over the top for her that you won't give a second thought to having a boy in your house!

A new baby, whether it is your 10th girl or 8th boy is a blessing. Please do
not forget that. Remember those that are not as lucky as you, please.

I was disappointed when my ultra sound showed a second boy..... now i am so glad i had a second boy! He is the joy of my life.
I had a girl, then 2 boys.

Go ahead and cry. Then put on your big girl panties and think of all the joys you will have with your girls together. I wanted a boy, got a girl, and wouldn't trade her for the world. My sister wanted a girl, everyone else had a girl so far (3 of us in 3 years) and she got a boy. I'm sure she'll be a fine boy mom and I said it just goes to show that you can't plan anything and the universe has a wonderful sense of humor.

I'm sure Dad will get over it, little girls tend to wrap Daddy around their fingers! and your daughter will most likely be closer to a sister than a brother.
Why cant you have a 3rd some day??? My hubby and I adopted (only sure way to pick the gender) we weren't sure how it would be to love a child who was not genetically our child, who didnt look like us, but the more we thought about it, ...Well believe me we couldnt love our little guy any more, even if his skin and eyes resembled ours!! and for some reason girls are more popular when people adopt so boys are more likely not to find a forever family.

Oh B. do NOT feel bad. For whatever reason, most of us wish that our kids is one gender or the other. When they turn out to be the other it is only natural to be disappointed. It does not equate that this child is not wanted or will not be loved. It is simply a human reaction to self proclaimed expectations. So dust off the guilt and realize how wonderful it would be for your daughter to have a sister. I wanted 2 girls for that reason because my relationship with sisters is truly wonderful. Admittedly, I held my breath with my 2nd's ultrasound and prepared myself for the disappointment if she would have been a boy. My gist is that you are not the only one who ever felt this way and some people will naturally take offense. IMHO, there is a difference between not wanting a girl and simply hoping for a boy. (((HUGS)))

Hi B.-I haven't read the other responses, but I just wanted to let you know that it is totally normal to feel disapointment over this and I for one, don't think you should beat yourself up for having that initial feeling. Of course you are thankful and happy that your baby will be healthy! Of course you will be thrilled to have 2 beautiful girls! But it's OK to be sad that you're not having a boy too. I think that everyone wishes for the experience of both a son and a daughter and its normal to feel sad if you won't get that experience. You should be allowed to have your moment and then take a deep breath and continue with your prayers and affirmations of gratitude. Those sad feelings will go away quickly, you just have to let them move through you and allow yourself to feel that way without feeling guilty about it. Soon enough you'll be able to move past it and look forward to all the fantastic things that come with having 2 daughters and the incredible bond they will share as sisters and the fact that daughters tend to stay closer to their mother's family and a whole other slew of awesome stuff. I hope that helps a little and congratulations on your wonderful new addition :)

I have 2 girls, and im pregnant again (find out in 13 days what we are having) Honestly, i love having 2 gals, and my husband was alittle disappointed when we had a second girl, and im sure he will be a little disappointed again if we are pregnant with another. That does not change how much my husband loves his second girl though!

I always tell my husband that it was his lot in life to be surrounded by beautiful girls.

the slight disappointment will go away quickly, once you meet your new child neither one of you will want for anything different. Whatever happens was meant to be and will be perfect for you.

ETA....having had two girls im seriously wanting another. Im not even shy about saying it. Of course i will be happy with a boy and i know my husband wants to have a boy child to end it all off., but my wish is truly for another gal.

Whatever you are blessed with will be wonderful. Feel sad, feel guilty, feel whatever. Acknowledge it and move on. I didn't want ANY children and ended up with 4. We thought for sure the last one was a girl, but alas, it was a boy and we couldn't be more in love. We really never cared what the sex was and we never had any ultrsounds, so it was always an amazing surprise.

I kept a journal from the day I found out I was pregnant with #1 and wrote down my fears, my uncertainties, my joys, my sadness, etc. I cried for the first 30 minutes after I found out I was pregnant. This helped me process everything, so I was ready, or at least as ready as I could be.

Ultrasounds can be wrong. The only certainty is after the birth, you'll know. If this is your last pregnancy, then enjoy the pregnancy. It is a total miracle. Your body is growing an entire human from 2 cells. How much do we rock????

I'm a mother of 3 girls and I understand your feeling but it seems you are more worried for your husband than for what you feel , my husband will love to have a boy and in my mind I really want one too but just to please him and deep in my hearth I'm so happy to have this healthy and beautiful girls and my husband loves them all. Don't worry and enjoy your pregnancy .

Hello,

I hope you don't continue to be disappointed. All babies are a blessing regardless of the gender. Many people, including myself, have had a difficult time getting pregnant, had miscarriages or a stillborn child. I unfortunately, have experienced all three. I am grateful to be pregnant with my second son and he is due at the end of October. My husband and I did not want anything but a healthy child after all that we have been through. Please be grateful for what God has provided for you and see how blessed you are to have baby #2 on the way.

I have 2 girls and someone heard some report on NPR about the easiest combination of kids to raise, and guess what, 2 girls is at the top, followed by 2 boys, and then I lost track of the ranking. Having 2 of the same sex will be easier in terms of toys and clothes and interests. My husband would have loved to have had a boy and his parents as well to carry on the family name, but he is super happy with his girls.

There is no person attached to your idea of your second baby. You are projecting this idea of your second girl not being exactly what you want because she has yet to take her first breath.
Try to be forward thinking enough to realize the minute there is an actual baby in your arms you will not be able to imagine her (or possibly him) being anyone else. We have two girls and while my husband occasionally has "boy envy" when we see a cute little guy in public neither of us could (or would want to) imagine a world without our perfect, beautiful second born girl.

I, too, was a bit disappointed when I found out our second child was going to be a girl. She has been such a blessing! My daughters are now 7 and 5 and the best of friends. They adore each other. I am SO happy to have two children of the same gender. I think it is just perfect.
I also never thought we would have a third. But now we are in the process of adopting a son. Sure bet on the gender and giving a child in need of a home a chance. Just a thought for you for the future.......

You guys need to talk openly and honestly about the gender looooong befoe the baby arrives because it does make a difference to one parent more than the other. I know first hand because that contributed to the start of the demise of my short marriage.

My soon to be EH NEVER ATTENDED ANOTHER Ultrasound appointment after 20 weeks and when the sonographer said it was a girl he talked over her and said a few times a boy. If you want to know details and warning signs of disappointment that unfolded up to birth I'd be happy to share via PM

So, again if he tells you or you try to convince yourself, and others opinions say gender doesn't matter, babies are blessings/miracles, etc... I'd caution you to be honest with yourself and that makes coping more realistic.

Ultrasounds are not always correct I know of people who expected a girl based on ultrasound and got a boy. You'll be happy with your baby no matter what so don't worry.

My husband and I wanted children more than anything and ideally a boy and a girl would have been awesome.. Im too high risk and my doctors would not let me get pregnant so we adopted.. We now have the 2 most beautiful special little girls around. We have had them both since they were born and they are now 6 and 3 1/2 and while a little boy would have been great I would trade either one of my girls. This is what God meant for me to have and I love it...

When I got pregnant for the third time I desperately wanted a girl and I mean desperately!! When I found out that I was having a third boy I was sooooooo depressed and my husband (now ex and you'll see why) thought I would do something to hurt the baby b/c it wasn't a girl (can you imagine) I looked for support groups and of course mamapedia hadn't started yet. Well my third was born healthy and beautiful and you know what it didn't make a difference at all!!! I love him so much that if I have twenty girls they wouldn't even begin to replace the love, joy, and happiness that he has brought me............and you too will feel the same!!!

U/s are not always guaranteed so theres still hope! My sister was told she was having a girl and 3 weeks before her due date she was having decreased fetal movement so she went in for another u/s and uh-oh! Its a boy!! lol You just never know, but Im sure you will love that baby for whatever its gender-Congrats!

I never found out the sex of any of my 3 kids until they were born. For EXACTLY this reason. My 1st one I wanted a girl, and I had a boy. and I love him, #2 I didn't care, another boy. #3 I really wanted a boy. Boys are fun, and crazy, and I know how to do it all, I have hand me downs....it was a girl. I was shocked. My husband comes from all boys. Every one in his family has boys. So, I was bummed the 3rd time too. But, of course I wouldn't change any of them! Having the same sex is a huge plus, for vacations, room sharing, best friends, common interests, toys. Look at the great side. What is the good thing about 2 different sexes? Extra work for you.

I haven't read any of the other answers, so forgive me if this has already been said. My kids are 18 and 15 years old respectively and (back then) you could not be 100% sure of the sex with an ultrasound. I just felt (very strongly) that my first was a boy and my second a girl (even though the ultrasounds were "inconclusive"). That said, there's nothing worse than falling pregnant a third or fourth time in search of the elusive "other" (as in boy if you already have girls or vice-versa). Personally, I wish I had 2 girls! Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly and wouldn't part with him for anything, however, the bond I have with my daughter is different. We "get" each other better. I truly believe that we are blessed with the "right" children. Sometimes even "special needs" children come into our lives to teach us patience and infinite love! God bless you and your family. Enjoy this pregnancy and your new bundle of joy, no matter what!

A little disappointment is normal, if I'd never had a girl, I'd have been disappointed. But you get what you get and you don't get upset. Hoping for a 2nd baby to be a boy is not a guarantee you get one. Pregnancy symptoms and gender charts don't tell you anything. Halfway thru the 2nd trimester, an ultrasound is likely to be accurate nowadays - especially if they told you they saw ovaries, rather than just the genitalia.
When I was having my second baby, I wishes for another girl. If I could have chosen that baby's gender, I've have chosen girl. 12 years later, I can't imagine who that daughter would have been. We don't get to choose and my son is a wonderful person who has added so much to my life, I can't imagine the world without him.
Right now, your baby is not a real person to you, it is just a generic "baby" but when you meet her, you will love her and she will be just right for your family.

B.

Please don't be too sad.. your getting the child you've been waiting to meet for two years now.

**The chinese gender chart- you have to use the age u conceived- if you got pregnant then had a bday & used your current age the sex will be off.

tiara

Sorry, but the only way to be sure is to do an amnio. Ultra sounds are accurate, but not always.

And it's normal to be a little disappointed, but once the little muffin shows up, the love'll be there. I do get the disappointment thing. We waited a long time to have kids. I'm 43 now and don't think I'll be having a 2nd. I'd like to have a girl - name picked out already, but I'm gonna give all my love to my little guy.

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted, but as the mother of two girls who are 3.5 years apart, let me tell you how much fun you are in for! (my girls are 10 and almost 7 now)

Your girls will be each other's built-in best friends. They will play together, learn together, travel together, grow together, laugh together, fight together, conspire together, and share clothes, friends and interests.

I personally guarantee that if you do wind up having a second girl, it will be a treasure beyond measure for all of you.

Good luck!!

If 20 week US was done around 19-22 weeks and person was experienced and got a clear shot, it is pretty accurate. If you had wanted to know conclusively, amnio could have told you...I don't do any screening but a colleague of mine did. I always tell US tech not to tell me unless she is SURE! Have had 3 and all were correct.

You're not the only one. When I was pregnant I thought and felt in my heart I was having a boy but everyone aid it was a girl and at 25 weeks or so I went in for an ultrasound an they told me she was a girl even printed a picture of her girlie parts sure enough they were there I felt bad just like you do i saw all these reason as to why a girl was gonna be hard to raise and as soon as we picked her name things changed I grew fonder and fonder of the idea of a lil girl and when she was born I fell in love with her I'm sure the same will happen with you!
What I will tell u is dnt get ur hopes up that maybe the u/s is wrong
accept you're having a girl and if at birth turns out it was a boy then great even better
I thought for a while maybe it's not 100% sure and all it did was make me feel sadder once it was cOnfirmed at about 36 wks that it was def a girl when inmy head I was still thinking(wishful thinking) it was a boy
Hope this helps a bit

its possible that ultrasound is wrong! you never know!
im sorry that your husband doesnt want very many kids! that can be rough when you have a difference of opinion on such an important thing.

dont feel too bad about being sad, its just the hormones! tell yourself that you are so lucky to be pregnant and having another sweet baby, and tell your hubby that too!

good luck!
let us know what the baby is when its born!

It's possible there's a mistake. What you're feeling is so completely normal! I always, always wanted a girl. When I found out I was having twins, I thought for sure at least one of them would be a girl! We found out one was a boy at 17 weeks, but the other wouldn't spread the legs. Finally at 21 weeks (that was a loooooong four weeks!), we saw the other was also a boy. I was so disappointed, and my husband could tell. It took only about two days to get over the disappointment and I am so happy with my two boys. But, like you, I didn't think I would have anymore children since my husband only wanted two, so I didn't know if I would have the chance again. You will accept in time that God has decided you are an excellent mommy to little girls, but it will take time. Good luck!

I love Teresa's response... well said! I have 2 girls and I LOVE it! During my second pregnancy I was convinced it was a boy (didn't find out). But I was excited for my older daughter to have a sister like I do. They get along great, love to play the same things (now 3.5 and 6.5), and they have a very special bond. I'm sure that what you're feeling is normal, and that you and your family will love the new baby to pieces no matter what!

I can't imagine "wanting" a child and then caring much about the gender because girls AND boys are so wonderful !

Congratulations on your wonderful new blessing! As others have said, you'll love any baby you get. Give yourself a little time and don't beat yourself up. If you push down your feelings instead of confronting them, they won't go away.

Food for thought: I have a good friend with two boys (I have one of each gender) and I asked her if she ever felt like she would miss having a daughter. She said she figured she'll just have girls when her boys get married! Also, she said she gets upset when people ask (right in front of her boys) if she wishes she'd had a girl too, or if she's "trying for the girl." (We are both in our 40s so not likely!) Just wanted to put that out there...how do you think her son feels when he hears that?

Updated

Congratulations on your wonderful new blessing! As others have said, you'll love any baby you get. Give yourself a little time and don't beat yourself up. If you push down your feelings instead of confronting them, they won't go away.

Food for thought: I have a good friend with two boys (I have one of each gender) and I asked her if she ever felt like she would miss having a daughter. She said she figured she'll just have girls when her boys get married! Also, she said she gets upset when people ask (right in front of her boys) if she wishes she'd had a girl too, or if she's "trying for the girl." (We are both in our 40s so not likely!) Just wanted to put that out there...how do you think her son feels when he hears that?