Future Mother-in-law Is Ruining My Relationship with My Future Husband!

I've lived this and I have been amused by some of the comments. I'm glad you asked the question...I do remember the days of breastfeeding and my mother in law handing my baby a piece of italian sausage (HUH?????) It was my first baby. I was a little more relaxed with my second. However, two bottom lines....you are the mom and the one who has the ability to politely, but firmly insist that you haven't "introduced" those items into your child's diet and do not feel comfortable feeding them to your baby. NO JUSTIFICATION NEEDED! You and your future husband/father of baby should strive to be on the same page with what the child eats. Hopefully, you and your future husband/father of your child strive to be on the same team with all the other major decisions in this child's life....which leads me to point #2

This behavior with your boyfriend/in-law dynamics WILL NOT CHANGE! It may get a little better, one year to the next.... but what you see is what you get! I have lived with the dynamics of challenging in-laws for almost 30 years. This past year has been so much easier - the previous 3 were really rough! What has kept my husband and I together is the fact that we have been a team and he does back me and doesn't allow his family to undermine me. (Yes...at times I have had to pick my battles with going to grandma's and what I would allow...drinking that Pepsi at Grandmas, at 3 years old was THAT special treat that they didn't get at home.) My husband comes from a large family and I think the world of one of his brother's and his families...the others, from time to time..have made my life very difficult. Your problem is not with your in-laws but with the relationship that your future husband has with THEM VS. YOU. I would sit and have a heart-to-heart...tell him how you feel when MIL does "what?" and could you back me next time or is it THAT hard to stand up to your mother?...Then you make YOUR choices whether you can live with that answer. Best of luck to you.

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J.,

First, I hope you can put some of these comments to the side that are to say the least, not nice!

It is hard enough being a first time mom and then you have someone trying to tell you how to do it? Um NO! MIL might not agree with your decisions but bottom line, it is your child and YOU make the decisions. Suggestions are welcome but you are the decision maker. Period!!

Ok, and the "speaking derogatory statements to the whole rest of the party about my decision as his mother"...NO NO NO!! That is not right and that is not acceptable.

I would definitely have some conversations with your BF and find out how he feels about this. Let him know how you feel and what your needs are. Considering her behavior my guess would be that she has the upper hand so it might be hard for him to stand up to mom, but he does need to find a way. Bottom line is your BF is a father now and it might be time to let mom know that he has a child now and the two of you are the decision makers as well as that she needs to treat you with respect.

This is about boundaries and boundaries are healthy. It is not healthy for you to be treated in that way and be under minded. Don't accept that. If your BF is not capable of laying the boundaries then you will have to do it on your own. You will want to do this if you are together or not. Sometimes it is not easy but if it is what you believe in then it is 100% the right thing to do. Sooner is better than later.

This will probably take some time for you to evaluate with your BF, don't jump ship yet. You are both new parents and this huge life change will cause change in the both of you. There is no reason what so ever for you to change what you feel is right as a mother because you are being bullied by MIL. Stand up and be proud of your decisions, things are different now from when our parents and grandparents raised us, they don't have to understand it all or agree, however they DO have to respect our decisions as parents!

My guess is also based on her behavior that she does this often to others and a lot of times people like this like to be the bully but when you bark back they really don't know how to handle it because most don't challenge them. I would try a conversation, a letter if face to face is not comfortable and then when situations come up nip nip nip, lay the boundaries and don't second guess yourself or look back. Soon she will know who is boss and will stand in her place with these issues. In the long run you will feel so good about yourself and your decisions as well as being a good role model for your son.

Good luck!!!

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I just had to respond. I have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years, but his whole entire family hates me and always has! We have two beautiful bright boys, ages 9 and 3. Although he is a great husband, and an awesome father, he will not ever take my side with his family. They cause me to cry myself to sleep everytime I have to see them. My mother in law dislikes me so much, she takes it out on my children. She is constantly saying how much smarter her other grandchildren are.....so on and so forth. When we go to family gatherings, no one talks to us ( my children and I ) and when I try to join in a conversation, they just stare at me like they don't know who I am, then resume their original conversations! It is very horrible. I've tried everything with my husband short of either leaving him, or telling him he or my children shouldn't have anything to do with them. I have just recently decided that my children and I are going to have very little contact with them. I 'm already sick to my stomach about the holidays!!! My advice is ( though it will be hard, cuz I'm still tring!! ) is to distance yourself as much as possible! If your mother in law gives your child a cookie, or something they cannot have, take it away, and say Sorry, they cannot have such and such, and leave it at that. If she keeps up, tell her she's already had the opportunity to raise her children, now its your turn, and you love your pediatrican, and you are following what you and your pediatrician have discussed. End of discussion. It's not her child, it's yours!!

I'm sorry your going through this. I hope it gets better.

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Hi J.. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I would relax! With my first son, I was very particular too and my second son was eating bagels (half a bagel, not broken up in pieces) by 9 months. There were a few occassions he would gag (but I would wait a half second and he always would work it out, just part of learning to chew/swallow). Of course I waited until he was older to give him any of the red flag choking hazards, like nuts, grapes, etc, but he was eating muffins (whole) cheese, you name it! I would recommend spending some time with other mothers with more than one child. If you see them doing it, it may help you relax. Good Luck and don't sweat the small stuff. I would try and cut your mother in law a break and as long as you set certain simple guidelines like no hard candy, I think you will get along much better with everyone. Funny thing is, I bet when you are 50 years old, you will look back and chuckle on how you were with your baby and food, I know I already do about my first.

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This might not be what you want to hear, but when you marry him, you marry his family. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married 5 and I wish I would have known more about his family. Now that I have kids, I have to leave the room to give them time becuase they get under my skin so much. Every thing that bothers me about my husband comes out when his parents are visiting us. Like the apple doesn't fall far.... Because you have a child in his family it will be something you will have for life now. Stick to your guns about your parenting though. YOU ARE THE MOM and it doesn't matter what she says or what she thinks, and if you get upset enough say, "If you want to see your grandchild, you will respect my choices. You don't have to agree with them, but you must respect them." And if you ever find out she underminds you and goes against the rules you have set up by doing something you have asked her not to, I would follow up on that statement. Good Luck!!

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Hi J.,
My husband and I have been together for 18 years and married for 15. My mother-in-law and I have never seen eye to eye. You make sacrifices for the one you love. No matter what you are going to be connected to her for the rest of your life whether you stay with him or not. You are the mother of her grandson.
Some mother in laws just will never relinquish their sons. But realize that she feels the same about her son now as you do about yours. They will always be our babies. My mom gave me some great advice when we were newlyweds. You cause as many problems when you take offense as when you give it.
Trust me I KNOW how hard it is. At some point you just end up standing up for yourself because your man is never going to tell his mom where to go. After 18 years I'm still that woman that married her son. Kind of like on that show King of the Hill where Hank's Dad call his wife Hanks wife never her name.
Hopefully in a little while if she gets no reaction from you she'll stop. What fun is it if you don't react? Kind of ruins her control game if you don't play.

It does get easier
L.

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Your problem is not your mother-in-law.

Your problem is your boy friend. You didn't mention his age but it seems as if he hasn't yet grown a spine.

If this isn't sorted out promptly you will always be in a power struggle with your MIL over the son/husband. He might actually relish being in this childish position.

If you want to be with this guy then insist that the two of you move with your child to a place where mom's influence is greatly lessened.

As the parent, it is your privilege and responsibility to guide your child as you see fit. It is completely out of line for your MIL to go against your decisions and completely unacceptable for her to make any type of derogatory comment about you.

As a grandparent, I understand that one of my responsibilities
is to support the parents in their efforts as they go through the steps that I have already taken. Anything else would completely undermine their interaction with their child as well as be completely rude and disrespectful on my part.

Good luck to you.

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I just wanted to say that despite what a lot of people have said, yes the rules you have set forth are in excess compared to most parents... but good for you. I wish I had the money or the energy to feed my child only organic foods. The key is that you ARE compromising already with your future MIL. I doubt the cupcake you said it was okay for him to have was organic... but you bent on that rule to allow her to feed her grandson. Good for you.

I told my mom I wanted to keep my son in rear facing car seats for as long as possible. She fought me and fought me on it. Finally I calmly sent her an email with a link to an article discussing how it is mandatory to keep the child rear facing up to 1 year but RECOMMENDED that they stay that way longer. I just added a note that said "I don't know if I was expressing myself the right way... but this is what I was trying to tell you about." Maybe you could find an article about chocolate and infants so she knows its not just some crazy rule you made up.

Understand that her gossiping was her way of licking her wounds so to speak for being reprimanded for trying to feed him the muffin. However it was wrong of her... and I think you should just find a nice way to say...

"We are going to be family for a long time now. I don't want to get off to a bad start. Can we please make a pact that if we have a problem with each other we will come to each other instead of going behind each other's backs. I heard what you said at the party and it really hurt my feelings. I hope next time you can come to me if you think I'm doing something wrong. Please keep in mind I am new at this. Maybe some contructive criticism could be helpful."

I also suggest a talk with your bf. He needs to back you up big time. If its not this, it will be something else. My MIL has talked bad about me behind my back since the day I met her. We've tried to make it work, but once it was apparent that it wasn't going to happen my husband actually severed ties with her. I hate that it had to happen this way, but she was an extreme case, trying to make lies about me and my husband, making threats, etc.

Anyways... sorry this is so long. I wish you lots of luck! :P Let us know what happens.

J.,

Please remember that your future MIL is your sons grandmother and her son is your babys father. They will/should always be involved in your sons life whether you like it or not. Just please make sure you are taking some alone time to re-evaluate the relationship/situation, not to force your boyfriend to make a choice between his mom and you.

That said, I've had some of the same issues with my inlaws. To me it seems like your issue should be with your babys father, not his mother. He needs to stand up besides you and take your side. It's hard for sons to stand up to thier moms. Think how you would feel if your little guy chose someone elses side! You should talk to your boyfriend about how it makes you feel. Chances are he knows what his mom is like but doesn't want to "make waves" (Like my hubby did until I forced him to say something to his mom. He knew she was wrong but didn't want to face her about it)

You have every right to decide how your child should be raised. You also have every right to express that to your boyfriends family. If they don't like it, well too bad. You're his mother. It may cause some friction but if she wants to see her grandson, then she should abide by your rules.

Good luck and really have a heart to heart with yourself about why you are taking some alone time.

S.

This is your baby. you need to lay down the law. communicate. not run. what have you got to lose at this point? write down a list of safe foods or instructions for feeding the baby and say something polite, but strong to effect of, "If you take such pleasure in feeding him, make sure it is a healthy choice. Please do not harm your grandson." doing this may actually make things better between you. otherwise she is just a crazy wierdo. remember that men, particularly young ones don't usually have as much natural skill for communicating as women.
Good luck.

A grown woman should know that chocolate should not be given to a 9 mos old, let alone sweet cookies. As to your situation now that everyone is gossiping, you are very very hurt and humiliated. Go to this woman and tell her how you feel. Try not to accuse her of anything. Ask her if she remembers the last time people were talking about her and how it felt. ASk if there is some way the two of you can work this out. If she has a heart at all she will soften in her attitude toward you, particularly if you cry. J., you are not in the ideal situation, but you do have the resources within yourself to cope with them. This is a challenge and you will never regret learning to grow with it and becoming the master of your own emotions. If you can afford counseling, go, either with him or by yourself. Read books. Talk to a clergyman and if you don't have a church, look into getting one. Put your child first. he will be better off with a father and your life will be easier with a husband. Some time alone might help, but don't give up. It will feel like you are doing all of the compromising and understanding, etc. but in reality you won't be. Choose for your child.

Hi J.,

Unfortunately there will always be someone who questions your decisions as a mother. It is hard to handle when it is your own in-law (future) or family. Believe me you need to have a heart-to-heart with your fiance b/c this will be your life and your feelings for a long time to come if you don't. If he is going to marry you, he should be ready to stick up for you - even to his own mother and especially if it concerns your child. Easier said than done. But if that is not his personality, and you love him, you will have to be the tough one and just know that you are being the best mother you can. You make the decisions and if she doesn't agree or doesn't like them, too bad! Let her say what she wants, she can't change your decision. That is probably what bothers her. When she says stuff you can either recognize this as her personality and let it go. Or just be ready with a quick fact to defend yourself but word it so you neither of you is "undermined" - like, "Did you know that chocolate for kids this age causes all kinds problems: stomaches, diarrhea, tooth decay, early and unnecessary addictions to sweets. So, I don't really give her chocolate." If she chooses to comment about your decision after that, then I would think, she's the one to look bad. People like that rarely change, though. At some point, you may have to talk to her face to face about what she does - if it is going to eat away at you. But, I think it is important that your fiance know how much this bothers you. Go from there, before you decide to leave the relationship - she won't be living with you afterall :) Good luck!!!!!!

J.-

I understand your concern for your son and what he eats, but honestly, you can't consume yourself with it...you will make yourself crazy. Grandmas like to spoil their grandkids or soon to be grandkids and they forget about things like "nutrition" and "healthy"....it is an endless battle that you will never, never win. My advice to you is to relax, and appreciate that your husband's mom to be is so interested in your child.

I am not in this situation but know someone who is in a similar one. These are only minor decisions that she is disregarding your feelings for. What happens when they are bigger ones? (and there will be) My friend has a MIL who does things on the sly. If they figure out that you do not agree with what they think, they begin to get manipulative and figure out ways to work around you. If you feel you can handle that, and what she throws at you, great! If not, get out now! You seem to be the only one who is worried about making the relationship work. She sure isn't trying. Good luck to you!

I see two options:

1. Have a one-on-one with your mother. She sounds like the type of MIL who will take offense. It is possible that you could hurt your relationship with your MIL further.

2. Let your actions speak louder than your words. When you want her to break up a cookie and she doesn't. Break it up in front of her. When you want the cookie out of your child's mouth, take it out. If she talks about about you to others, don't worry--you-re a new mother, the rest of us aren't thinking anything bad we are thinking of the days when are children were just babies.

I try to feed my children organic food as often as possible and sometimes discuss my decision. Some of my family members roll their eyes. I've also been over protective.

My MIL bought me a book on people who worry too much.

I used to get so angry at other people who just didn't see things the way I did. I learned that I can't control the way they think. I can only control what I feel and think. I can only change my behavior.

Your MIL and other people who tend to make judgments make contiinue to get on your nerves.

Hey Janessa,
Well all I can say is been there, done that. I found that the best approach was the direct approach. I sat down with my mother-in-law and just flat out told her how I felt about what she was doing (undermining my authority) and told her I don't appreciate it. I have my ways of mothering and if she can't abide by my rules that I have set for MY child then we would no longer be coming to her house or any family functions. Remember you are marrying the man, not his mother and you two can have a perfectly fine marriage in your own home without having to involve other family member. Don't let go of something great just because of his mother. It could be her master plan and you don't want her to win, especially when you are otherwise happy with your fiancee and his fathering skills. Good luck!

I 100% know what you mean. I was at this point also at one time in my relationship. What I did was talked to my Boyfriend and told him exactly how I felt. He could have done two things---tried to justify his parents (for me its both of them!)and tell me why I need to "get over it" or start standing up to them and be the MAN I wanted. I was ready to walk away if he didn't stand up for me and himself!
Luckily he saw it the way i did and stood up to them. We had our two year wedding anniversary yesterday. Now I'm not going to lie -his parents are still evil and do anything to try and control us. We treat it accordingly...if they don't respect our choices then we dont' want to hear it. So when they say something or do something to go against us-we leave the second they do (and they are a 8 hr drive from us). We just don't put up with it. The aren't getting it either---so we see less and less of them. Now we are to the point where if we are in their town we rent a hotel room instead of staying with them. They are JUST NOW getting it a little. Its getting better. But we had to be consistent EVERY TIME and about EVERYTHING or they would take advantage. 4 yrs latter they are finally getting it!!
I totally feel for you girl. It really sucks having to deal with this.

Hi, my name is B.. I'm 44 at present and I have had similar problems with my FIL. You can't let your MIL bully you. YOU are the child's mother. You need to stand up for what you believe is best for your child. That is part of your job as a parent. You need to take matters into your own hand since your future husband won't. I suggest haveing a heart to heart talk with her and explain how she makes you feel when she underminds your authority as the child's mother. And I would have a heart to heart with hubby to be also! Put your foot down now, otherwise you will be struggling with the problem your intire relationship. It might cause tention at first, but it will show them you won't be a push-over and maybe in time they will see what a great mom you are and let you be that great mom you know you are!
Hope this helps your situation.

perhaps you and the babys father should get a little counseling. boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives come and go but family is forever. Its importnant not to talk poorly about your boyfriends mother- it hurts your boyfriends self esteem. Instead ask yourself what you are really upset about and talk to your boyfriend and/or his mother use the words when you... I feel.. because. talk to your boyfriend about what kind of things you want for your baby and together talk to his mom about it. Often the grandparents dont understand what we want because they did it when we were young and we are still here. Perhaps ask her to enroll in a grandparent class or include her on visits to your ped.

Does your husband know all of this? Let him know exactly how you feel. If he does not stand up for you then I think you have your answer.

All I can say is if your boyfriend sides with his mother, run and don't look back. My husband sided from his mother from day one. I thought he was going to change. 23 years and 3 kids later, it has been an ongoing battle with those two. I stayed in the marriage because of the kids, but it has been a miserable existance. He always sides with her, undermines me, and doesn't stand up for me, even in front of the kids. The signs were there from the beginning, I unfortunately chose to ignore them. Go with your gut. You usually know deep down inside what the right thing to do is.
Good luck!

You are loving every second of mothering-unless that horrible woman is around!! Excuse my frankness, but your boyfriend needs to grow a couple in regards to his family-you must communicate to him that he needs to stand by you and your parenting style, not only in front of his mother and family but also for your child....it is NOT a positive role modeling for him to see his father not supporting his mother. As he grows older, he could learn to manipulate that-and end up doing the same to future partners (can you tell I have a psychology background?:) But seriously, this is something you need to sit down, and calmly address with your boyfriend-do not bend on this-it is hugely important and can affect the rest of your life (and happiness, or lack thereof)

Good luck-and write me back if you need anything.

M.

I know what you're going through. Too much to type but the bottom line is you marry the man NOT his family. If you and your future hubby have no other issues aside from his wackadoo mother, then consider yourself lucky. Kill her with kindness is my advice to you. And lay down some ground rules. If she does not abide by your menu for the baby, then she cannot have the child for any meal times. Just like the mama with the smoking parent, no exceptions. You stick to your guns. If you are making it a sticking point with your future hubby, then it will always be a sticking point. Know you are better than that. If he really is a mama's boy, then sit him down and have a chat. Lay down the law and insist he lay it down with his mother. Talking rudely, loud enough for you to hear, is something 12 year old's do so next time call her on it. Ask her (while giggling yourself) and her cackling buddies how old they are and see what type of response you get. It's not being rude, but simply joining in on the fun. =)

Relax, breathe deeply and let go, my friend. If it still bothers you, pray. Ask God to move you past this. If you are still having it stuck in your head, write it down on a piece of paper, say the words, "Let go and let God" out loud and then shred it! That is my way of nailing it to the cross. If she chooses to not be important in your life, then she is not and that is okay.

If you need to talk, scream, cry, whatever... let me know. I know what you are going through and I would love to help you!

Good luck!!!

You are this child's parent....and YOUR rules are the ones that should be abided by. Don't allow someone to undermine you, but don't expect that your mate will stand up to mamma---it seldom happens this way.
You don't have to make excuses, discuss your reasons, or explain yourself. You don't have to be polite. Make it a point to let people know that.
You will have to choose whether or not to marry into this family, and you alone. I did and it was not a long lasting relationship at all. Once a man is momma whipped, in my experience, he is always momma whipped. If you can put up with it that is fine. Just let him know where he is getting his dinner from---and if he chooses to eat at momma's house, so be it!

You are not alone! I had the exact same situation happen to me, except my husband and I were already married. My mother-in-law gave my 8-month-old daughter a Jolly Rancher after I told her not to. My daughter choked...luckily she coughed it out herself. I was so angry. My husband pretended like he didn't see anything while his mother dismissed me entirely. He is a wonderful father, but needed a little verbal kick in the butt. He and I had a little "chat" later about how expensive it can be to go through a divorce and pay child support. Needless to say, he speaks up when his mother gets out of hand. I had to actually explain to him that once you get married, you leave your mother and join your wife. We are a united front against the world. I know you aren't married yet, but it can still work. Maybe show your fiance the replies you get!

Don't give up on the marriage. Sounds like you need some positive time with your future mother-in-law to bond as friends. (You may never be BEST friends!) Take time to build a good relationship so there is mutual respect. It will make corrections easier to bear! I've lived through the same experience and been married 30 years.

No matter what, a cookie probably would not have hurt the child. Baby teething biscuits are made to help teeth cut their way through and not many babies have choked on them. Just watch the child. Your mother-in-law to be has already raised children and probably is a little ahead of you in knowing what weill or will not hurt the child. Give her a little respect and let her know you appeciate her input but please leave the final decision to you, the mother. She'll respect you and you'll both get along much better. Use the right tone when you speak. It's important. Don't forget to thank her when she's helpful to you.

hi J.,

Your MIL is driving you crazy, but she is your fiance's mother and deserves respect if you want to get along in the future. Demanding that your future husband confront her is maybe not the best approach - this puts him between the two of you (a very uncomfortable spot for him, and yes it can be damaging to your relationship). Confronting her yourself is just going to give her more fuel for talking about you. And talking about you is just part of having an in-law, some families are more notorious with it than others and it requires growing a thicker skin on your part or you will be continuously mad and/or hurt.

My experience has taught me (and I have had 3 MILs) just be diligent when you are around your MIL with your son - if you have to grab things away that she gives him, so be it, just do it with a loving smile (like it is amusing) she will get the message soon enough. On a recent visit to my MIL's house, she brought out a turkey platter (I mean a HUGE PLATTER) filled with candy and put it in front of our daughter who squealed with delight. Ellen is right on when she says this is a Grandma thing - Your MIL wants to indulge her grandchild, it is what grandmas do - this is not really her undermining your authority in my opinion - after all, you are the Mama and no one's authority tops yours when it comes to your son.

I let my daughter have some of the candy and then just kind of smiled at my MIL and picked up the platter saying "sorry, this is maybe not such a great idea to leave this much candy in her reach". Sure my MIL was taken aback, but she got over it - it's all about compromise and not letting it get to you. I openly agree with whatever my MIL says concerning our child but then do whatever is necessary to safeguard my daughter and could give lots of other examples but will stop at that one.

Your son's well-being is always, of course, the most important thing, maneuvering around a MIL takes practice and patience, I wish you all the best. I hope you can focus on the positive - you are not going to be able to change her and either is your fiance. some MILs don't take any interest at all in their grandkids - at least you know she will be there and part of your son's life and grandmas are very, very special.

W.

Hi, my name is K. P. most likely if that is the way it is now that's the way it is going to be after you get married. So therefore if you don't like the fact that your son's grandmother underminds you and your son's father not speaking up for you this could lead to great conflict if this isn't addressed right away. You should see action on his part as far as speaking up for you to determine that o.k. he's got my back on this one. Advice given from experience, then you all could continue being one happy family.

Hi J.,
You are going to get a billion responses to this one and it all boils down to one thing - it is WAY more common not to get along with your in-laws than it is to do so. Personally, I think there is an evolutionary reason for this - ensuring the gene pool really does get diversified and such :-) You certainly have an advantage in that you recognize the situation before you marry into it. I would hate to see you leave the relationship because of your husband's family though - because chances are pretty good that you'll miss out on a really great guy and possibly end up with a not-as-great guy who has the exact same or worse type of family. Remember, you, your son and your future husband are a new family. You're going to have to insulate that and make it strong if it's going to work - and that may mean taking steps like limiting your exposure to certain people. You don't have to accept or extend every invitation out there. You decide how much you want to see them and stick to it. Make the decision that your gut says is best for your new family, it will rarely steer you wrong.
Good luck,
MC

First, you are doing a great job and should stick to your instincts when it comes to what is good for your child.

My advice: write out what you need to discuss with BF and have a private conversation. Tell him that your child's health is not negotiable and while there are many ways to raise children, express what your plan is right now (organic food, no chocolate, etc.) and that you are counting on him to be your advocate. You can also stand up to MIL in a mature, respectful way - use your intelligence and also point to facts that respected doctors offer (for example, many doctors say juice isn't necessary for a kid's diet - it's just sugar water - and fresh fruit is the best way for kids to get the vitamins they need, w/o added sugar). Stand by your principles. One day your child will be old enough to see how wonderful of a job you are doing in protecting his/her welfare.

I agree with the other posters. This will not change unless your boyfriend gets involved and backs you up every time. He needs to make it clear how you should be treated and that your family will not stick around if it doesn't happen. It will get worse now and after you are married if he does not. You are absolutely right that you are the one who is in charge of your son - she has no business overriding your decisions or talking bad about you for the ones she disagrees with. You will be miserable in this relationship until something is done - I can guarantee it. It is good you are trying to tackle this now and not later. I would not even consider marriage unless you know you are going to be treated top rate and not as though you are some inept or stupid mother.

Hi Janessa -- Relationships with mothers in law are always hard, so know that you are in good company! My MIL is actually really sweet and she still drives me crazy sometimes. I wouldn't give up your bf though if he is a good partner and a good father like you said. How much time will you be spending with your inlaws anyway? As far as the food goes, if it's important to you to feed organic then that's all that matters. People should respect that. When my daughter was born it was important to me not to give her a pacifier and my mom gave her one anyway, which made me very mad. Now I think I over reacted, but who cares? That's how I felt as a new mom and my mom should have respected it. Now when my family tries to give my daughter junk food I say, why do you want to give her that? She has her whole life to eat junk food. I would just try to speak honestly and calmly (as politely as you can) to your MIL whenever you disagree with something she's giving to your son. Or I liked the idea someone had of breaking up the cookie in front of her to show her how you want it done. You have to communicate your feelings somehow, because if you hold your tongue you'll eventually explode. And although it would be nice if your bf would say something to her, it's not that unusual for a guy to have trouble doing that. I know my husband would. But you may also have to take the high road with your MIL. My dad's mom was very hard to get along with but my mom always treated her so nicely, and I've always really admired my mom for that.

Maybe you can bring or recommend some fun snacks that she can give him that you approve of.

Hi J.,

First of all, I am a mother of 5, so I have been through all those feeding stages. At 9 months old some kids handle eating some foods better than others. Depending on the cookie, I would just watch because 1)even though baby's don't have teeth, their gums are very hard and 2)cookie get mushy with all the baby slobber so it would probably be fine for him to eat. Cupcakes/muffins are usually soft. They may be messy be should be fine also.
Second, I tell my kids that dating is getting to know the other person and their family. Yes, their family also because you will be around them too. Are they really people you can handle being around or will there always be problems. They person your are dating will have "some" of those family traits like you have some of yours. Discuss this with your boyfriend. It is better to discuss it now that to later on find out it was a mistake. But also remember, nobody is perfect so you can't be "overly picky". He should be willing to back you up or at least discuss it with you. Raising your baby is up to you not anybody else. People can give you advice but they shouldn't expect you to react to everything either.
Good luck,
J. J.

you should have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Let him know how important it is to have a united front. if his mother is trippin than he needs to confront her about the issue, if he stands back & says nothing, in his mother's eyes it's you that always has an issue not her son. She will think that her son is not annoyed by her actions. for example, if your mother was trippin, you should be the person to address the issue. at the end of the day we can have spats with our own parents and after a couple of days everybody gets over what ever we were mad about. there won't be a grudge held. sometimes men don't feel comfortable putting their mothers in their places. if you don't nip it in the bud now, you will deeply regret it after the marriage. Trust me it will get worse. I WAS having the same problem. Remember- have a united front. You don't abandon ship from your mate.

This is the beginning of a long-term relationship with your fiance's family. I HIGHLY recommend being upfront and honest (which can be done in a polite way) from the beginning. It's so much easier to start out with everyone knowing your limits rather than trying to teach your m-i-l the boundaries way down the line. It will be much harder for her to change once you've set a precedent of allowing her to feed your child cookies, cake, etc. Before too much time passes, mention to her in a casual way: "You know, I wasn't sure how to say it at the party, but we don't want our baby eating these types of foods. We would prefer you ask us next time. It's really important to give him the best possible nutritious foods and cake, chocolate, and cookies need to be reserved for special occasions when he's a little older. Thanks for respecting my wishes." Who knows if she will, but at least set down the boundaries NOW.

It is your child and no one has a right to undermine your and your boyfriend's decisions. I would set this woman straight right now before she thinks she can step all over you . If you and your boyfriend sit down with her and tell her how you feel about the comments to others and giving your child food you don't want maybe she will change. if not at least you know what you are up against.She raised her children and this is yours Not Hers. I understand about the cookie,cupcake etc. My son was given frosting on his first birthday and he threw up all over himself:( (They put it in his mouth he didn't)
You are doing the best for your child and you know him best so don't worry about what other people think.You are responsible for keeping him safe so let your MIL to be know that. Your child is not a pet or a toy and should not be treated as such.

Keep doing a good job and have fun with your baby !

Firstly, I'm sorry that you received a couple less than constructive responses on this. This forum isn't meant to be used to chastise other moms, we're supposed to be helping eachother.

Secondly, I completely agree with the responses that tell you to nip this in the bud ASAP. Your fiance needs to understand that if you two are planning to marry, you and your son are his immediate family now and should be his primary concern. If he can't act like a true partner to you, you're in for years of unhappiness. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, and what you need from him. Men and women communicate in very different ways, so make sure that you give direct requests, rather than vague wishes (i.e. 'I need for you to tell your mother that we make all of the decisions regarding our son's eating habits' rather than 'Why don't you stick up for me?') Regardless of what your dietary choices are, as long as he's getting proper nutrients you're not doing anything wrong. Some 9mo olds can handle large pieces of food, and some can't. I know that at that age, my son only had two teeth like yours, so I kept a close watch like you are. Now he's got 8 teeth, including molars, so it's not such a big deal, but with only 2 teeth, it's hard for them to break down an item like a cookie. Don't let anyone make you feel neurotic or overprotective for jumping in to take the cookie, or the chocolate muffin. If you still feel like being polite, you can pull the doctor card and say that your pediatrician said he shouldn't have chocolate until whatever age, or your pediatrician said not to let him have any pieces of food larger than a pea, or whatever you need to say. In my case, my mother is the culprit, giving my 18mo old son sips of her soda, or suckers (which came off the stick in his mouth so I had to dig it out with my finger). I told her in no uncertain terms that if she couldn't respect mine and his father's decisions about what he eats, I wouldn't be bringing my son over until he was old enough to know what to say no to. Luckily, my mom is wonderful and we have come up with some sort of middle ground, for example, he can have a cookie, but it can't have any nuts or chocolate chips in it because he won't chew them, or she can give him a a sip of her soda only when we are at her house, and not diet soda, and only after he has eaten his dinner, etc... See if you can reach some sort of compromise with your MIL. Keep those Gerber snacks on hand or something that seems like a treat, but is prepared in a safe way (cut into small enough bites, etc.) Best of luck to you, and remember, the only people whose opinions matter are yours and his father's.

Hi J.! As a first time mother of course you want the absolute best for your child. You will also loosen up and except the fact that grandparents (or anyone else for that matter) will not follow your wishes 100%. It is just not going to happen. The cookie is no more a choking hazard than many other baby foods including the baby biscuits. Babies just need to be supervised during feeding times no matter what you are feeding them! I definately do not think that this is any reason to end the relationship with your boyfriend/fiance. Maybe you should look into a course or group regarding infant and toddler development.

If you find that you absolutely want to stick to your guns about your rules and feeding habits, then do not subject yourself to others that will not follow your wishes. Tell them politely that you brought your sons food and that is what he will eat (offer to let them feed him what you brought), or do not attend family functions. You make the choice and live with the consequences. I think you will see that his family is not consciously trying to undermine you or cause problems. Good luck!

If your not sure you want to marry this guy, then wait!!!
Listen to your instincts.
Try to solve the family problem before you do.

She does sound like a bit of a PITA...that being said I'd make sure future hubby puts his foot down now with Mom. She should not undermone you like that, no matter what she thinks about you and your parenting, and she most certainly should not talk about you. PERIOD...end of story. Let me guess...she does all of this where your hubby will never hear it either. Is he a Mama's boy too? THis way if you try to talk to him about it your exaggerating, or over reacting, she means well, etc. Does she also try to manipulate other areas of your relationship? Beleive me, I am married to a man with a mother like this. We actually ended up seperatd for a year about a four years into our marriage when my first was 6 months old (not a fun place to be in). We worked through and are now going on ten years of marriage with another beautiful baby girl. It was a lot of hard work, and it is also something that if I had to do it again, I would have made sure these issues were resolved BEFORE we were married. Hindsight is twenty twenty. Part of the problem was that I was so young that I had a hard time conceiving that anyone could be that mean and manipulative to her own family. Anyhow, it tooking me blowing a gasket and my husband laying down the law to get his mother to pay attention, as well as his sister. They still try to stir the pot upon occassion but I really try not to let it bother me. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Hi J.,

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with your future in laws. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Was she out spoken before you had your child? How does your boyfriend feel about what she say's and how it makes you feel?

The reason for all the questions which you don't have to answer but something to think about...I have been with my husband for seven years and his family is very I mean very out spoken about each other as well as others. In the beginning all was fine I never thought I would be apart of thier conversations but I have not only become that but I almost got into a fight with his sister. Now we hardly visit maybe 3 times a year and they live in the same state! We know once we leave the talking behind our backs will happen so we just stay away. My husband talks to his mom once a week or every other week just depends.

You are a mom and you have your own thoughts about how you want to raise your child and this I know all to well. I always get un-needed advice sometimes I need it and sometimes not.

Things do not change once you get married. Your boyfreind needs to stick up for you now if he wants to keep what he has. Is he not the confrontational type? If that is the case then you may have to stick up for yourself even though he may not approve. Is he a mama's boy? Like I said you don't have to answer any of the questions just think about them and answer for yourself.

I am not sure if I was able to help you but good luck with your son and remember he comes first now.

From one mommy to another.

Maybe you might try sitting down with him and explain your feelings to him just like how you are here. If he's not willing to be understanding and give you support than it's not worth it. Don't marry him just because he's the father of your child. You'll not only be miserable but the negativity will greatly impact your child. I don't think there is anyone out there that really gets along with their mother-in-law. Mine is a great person but I can't stand her. My husband knows my feelings about her and is understanding. Naturally, he doesn't like me trashing her because that's his mom, but he lets me vent and helps me to see things from a different perspective. He's spoken to her as well (not that it did any good because once you get older you're stuck in your ways and you tend to revert back to acting like a child). Just remember...you're not just marrying the guy....you're also marrying his family. Best of luck to you and know that you're not alone battling the monster-in-law.

Hi J.,

I too am in a similar relationship with my sons father, we are getting married in June 2009 and his family and I have had a terrible time and this is even prior to me having the baby. My advice would be to just put some distance between the two, let your boyfriend take the baby to visit his family. Also talk with him and let him know that you are considering walking away and see what he has to say, he might surprise you. But space might be the only thing that can solve this problem, or have a one on one conversation with the his mother and tell her exactly how you feel, I'm sure she doesn't want to risk losing seeing her grandchild.
-T.

Part of having children with someone other than yourself is dealing with their parents. You will not always agree. They will not always approve of your ways nor you of theirs. This is just something that needs to be clearly understood on both ends! You have to remeber that they were parents once too and believe they did a hell of a job. Definitely have your boyfriend/husband whatever address that you are this child's mother and your requests as that need to be respected 100% no matter what his mom thinks or says about you. It is your and his child and for her to make comments and decisions without consulting you is out of complete disregard to you as his mother. My MIL gives my son nothing but french fries when they are together, and I mean NOTHING else. I try to feed myself and my children as healthy as possible, but it is impossible to constantly feed your children ground up organic 100% natural food their whole life and you will drive yourself insane in doing so I think. A litte cupcake, brownie, sugar and sweets is pretty much what grandmas do, no harm intended. A little bad food along the way isn't going to turn them into fat slobbering junk food maniacs someday. There are just things you have to deal with to keep the peace sometimes and learn to pick your battles. I wouldn't say this is ground for ending your relationship with your childs father though, I think that's extreme. Just talk to him about having her respect your wishes and he can mention you are sort of particular when it comes to certain foods and that you become severely irritated when your child is given anything but organic pureed baby food (maybe that's why he isn't eating it). that will scare her off enough I think. Welcome to being married.

It's about respect for you as the mother of this baby. I don't care if people think you are overprotective, you are the mother, and what you say GOES. Others need to bite their tongue and respect your wishes.

If your fiance wants a marriage to work, he need to choose you over his mother EVERY TIME. He needs to step up and tell his mother to back off. Respect starts at home.

It is very hard dealing with 'inlaws'. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and discuss the issues you are facing right now and try to come to an agreement of how it is to be handled. He is the one that is to talk to his mother, not you. This may cause him problems with his mother, but he needs to stand up to her now. He might talk to his father first to get a feel of where dad stands in the issues and see if his Dad can help out. If you and your boyfriend cannot come to an agreement about him talking to his mother, then both of you need to get some counseling. In fact couseling will help even if you get him to talk to his mother. A qualifies counselor can help give you boyfriens advise on how to approach is motheron the issues. If you boyfriend does end up talking to his mother, she may blaim you for turning her son 'against' her. Remember the 'issues' are only going to mount with your mother 'inlaw' as time goes on. Also, do not discuss anything going on with anyone else except your boyfriend. Words have a way of getting back to the person you are talking about. If your boyfriend refuses to intervine, then you need to rethink marrying him because what you have is what you get. You CANNOT change him after the 'I dos'have been said. Good luck and stick to you guns.

Wow! First off, weather your marry your 9 months old daddy.. the inlaws will still will be your sons grandparents. so I think you should of thought this all thru before having a son with your boyfriend. anyway that aside. I would suggest pick, & choose your battles. maybe a lil chat with grandma about your food ideas for your son. how often is he with them?
my guess your bf might figure its not that big of a deal.. what do you guys agree as parents? he must not mind the food his parents gie the 9 month old. i would let him deal with his side and you deal with your side. how does he deal with things your family does? is his nature more of a laid back one? wow! i can't believe you would gie up the man you love. and your sons father oer a chocolate muffin... how sad...

Sorry to say this but - I wouldn't say "I Do" until your boyfriend speaks up for you to his family. You not only marry the man, you marry the whole family. If its bad now, it will only get worse as time goes on. Life is too short to always be irrated about your in-laws. You've got to protect your son at all costs and your boyfriend has to let his family know that he stands behind you and will not tolerate such behavior. Good luck!

When my brother got married my family was also mean to my sister-in-law, including, regretfully, me. We also criticized her "weird parenting techniques" which I've since discovered, working as a teacher with many different parents, were not so "weird" afterall.

But she stuck to her guns and did what she felt was best for her children despite how hard we must've made it for her, and the kids turned out to be lovely people and my family is now walkin around with our tails between our legs regretting we ever criticized her. Yes, it took several years, but we don't criticize her anymore, and it is plain to see she raised her children very well.

Now that I'm a new mom, I'm indebted to her for paving the way for ME. Because she endured their hassling and had great kids, my parents no longer criticize her, and are less likely to criticize me as well.

If you CAN stick it out, don't worry about it-- these nonsensical fights do eventually calm down. Unfortunately with my family it took several years, but maybe it'll be faster with yours, and in any case it will end. You're not the only one-- mother-in-laws through history have been like this. Be happy it's just your mother-in-law and not your husband's whole family as it was in the case I described.

SUGGESTIONS:

1) When you have your mother-in-law over, DILUTE HER. Invite several other guests who agree with your parenting techniques and like YOU. Then she'll be less comfortable complaining, knowing she won't have an edge in the conversation. And if she DOES complain, your friends will shoot her down.

2) Move farther away when you get married. Then you'll spend less time with her and you and your spouse will be able to build a home without interference.

Hi J.,
What I suggest is sit down with your future hubby and his mother (at the same time)and explain that you are the mother and would like the respect of being the mother. Now it is your time to make your own mistakes,or not,and learn from them without feeling like you are the crazy "new" mom that everyone is laughing at. She had her time and raised her children. This can be done very civil and she may just start respecting you for giving her the respect to come to her first. And tell her there is plenty of time for her to spoil your son. And when he's older she can feed him all the time (my older son is 11 yrs and eats me out of house and home!) Lastly, I hope you share some of these reponses with your future husband it may help him understand how this situation can ruin a good thing. Good Luck!!