July 06, 2010,
S.L. asks from Lake Charles, LA on June 26, 2010
How do you deal with a future mother-n-law that wants to be in Complete control over you and her sons (my fiance') relationship. We have been together for almost 4 years now. Of that 4 years engaged for 2. We are just now living together and have been for about 4 months. I have been divorced before and had two beautiful daughters from that marriage . My ex-mother-n-law and I still have an excellent relationship that continues to grow over the years. My fiance's mother , however, is having a huge power struggle in dealing with us living together. We are both 27 years old. She believes that it is against God and al that is holy. She also feels that she can dictate how I choose the spend my money and is over stepping her boundaires in all of our financial business. My children are 7 and 5 . My Fiance' and I feel that it is in their best interest as well for him to be here with us everyday, since he has been for 4 years and they now call him Daddy. Their real father disowned them and only send childsupport when most convient for him. We do not want the girls to grow up in a house hold where it seems Ok for the father figure to come and go as he pleases. The Only reason we are not married right now is because neither of us can financially afford it since we are both in college. I am going for my BSN in Nursing and he is going for International Marketing. We are not living this way to spite Anyone. My family cannot afford the financial burden either. She is doing everything in her power to make our daily lives as miserable as possible. She is the Co-signer on my fiance's FJ Crusier ... for example... and called the local Marshalls office here or at least said she did to take the vehicle away from him. She has done this with serveral things. I really need some advice here. She is sending me dirty letters in the mail. I'm so afraid that my children are going to be subjected to this. My Fiance' and his Father have spoken with her on a few occasions already and told her that she needed to stop. Unfortunately she will not and it seems to be getting worse by the day. What can I do? I Love him so much and we have had an amazing 4 years together. I strongly feel that this has driven a huge wedge in our relationship .
So What Happened?™
Thank you everyone for all of your support and advice. My first husband and I got married at the court house and to be completely honest with all of you I just really want a nice wedding this time around. I told Cody from the very beginning that I wanted to take things very slow. I called it the 5 year plan lol. My girls did not even meet him for about the first 4 months we were going out regularly and I did not introduce them to any of his family until around 6mths into our relationship. I gotta tell you , that first marriage really did a number on me for awhile. He was in the military and abandoned me and the girls in a completely different state when my youngest was only 5mths old. You can imagine my hesitance for getting married right when he proposed or even a year later for that matter. I just want things to be right this time. My girls deserve that and I think I deserve it too. I would think that his mother would be Happy to have a future daughter-n-law that wants to really build a strong foundation with her son. I feel that this is my life too and I will not have someone step into our lives to meddle and cause problems. Life is too short. Thats another thing , My father is on his death bed as we speak with brain , lung and adrenal cancer. For her to be being so nasty and hateful to me right now is just beyond Anything that i could Ever imagine putting my worst enemy through.
P.G. answers from Dallas on June 26, 2010
I like what Jen C had to say.
If the only reason you're not married now is because of finances, go the Justice of the Peace route and get married legally. You can throw the party later. You may have a dream about the wedding, but making it legal is the important thing if that's really what matters. And it may go a long way to calming down MIL - you shouldn't do it just to make her happy, but if it's a side benefit, why not go ahead and do it? :)
Here's a site with info - http://www.marriage-laws.info/louisiana/louisiana-marriag...
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M.L. answers from Houston on June 26, 2010
My grandmother's favorite quote: "the best advice I can give a newlywed couple is to move far away from all family." ;)
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S.H. answers from San Antonio on June 26, 2010
You can't do anything (other than move out or put up) but your FH can. He needs to make clear boundaries and enforce consequences. So do you, but you do it nonconfrontationally. He can confront.
Also, really, if he doesn't want her to have any say in her life then he can't let her cosign on a loan. He's a grown man and he needs to cut the apron strings.
You know by the time you're 27 what kind of a control freak your mom is. He knew that when she cosigned the loan and now he's living with predicitable consequences. He has to want his independance more than he wants her to help him. Does he?
And just to put it out there, if you have the money to live together then you have the money to be married. Marriage is not a party that costs as much as a car or a house. Marriage is a committment and it costs nothing more than your word and a few bucks to a minister/ jp. If you don't want to be married, then be honest about why. If the party is that important to you, then say so. Don't make excuses, though, you lose ground when you do that.
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R.J. answers from Seattle on June 26, 2010
I disagree about heading to the courthouse UNLESS that's what you guys really want to do, for the following reason:
Your FMIL is a toddler. She's throwing a fit, and if you give in, you're just going to have more and more fits to deal with, because she'll have learned she can get her way if she gets nasty enough. (Also, as I'm sure you know, your financial aid packages will change *dramatically* once the 2 of you combine households legally... BESIDES it's your lives, you deserve to wed the way that YOU TWO want to wed.)
Again, since she's acting like a toddler, I would recommend treating her like one. She's on "timeout" and you will have nothing to do with her until she composes herself. You can't send her to her room, but you CAN do the equivalent, which is to refuse to interact with her. Don't have her over to your house unless she can be nice, and if she starts being mean tell her she has to leave. The whole "you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here". Ditto if you're somewhere else with her around (even thanksgiving dinner, and she starts being mean... give hugs all around to others, and leave). Your fiance can go see her anywhere ELSE but your home... don't try to cut off that relationship... but until she stops bullying and throwing tantrums, just refuse to have any contact with her. Your F will have to be on board with this plan, however, or it won't work. Just like parents of a toddler. If one parent is consistent, and the other gives into whining... you've got a whining child.
And ditto the cosigner thing. I realize it's probably merely one example amongst many... but she has no rights to the car. The ONLY right she has to it is if your F quit paying, she has the obligation to pay or be sued by the company that holds the loan.
Which brings us around to step 2. Cut any and all financial assistance from his mother. If any is coming from his family, have it come from his father... but even then, that still leaves strings. She only has as much power over you 2 as you let her.
6 moms found this helpful
J.C. answers from Anchorage on June 26, 2010
First of all, so not worry about the FJ, she is a co-signer, not the loan holder. All that means is that if your husband stopped paying they could come after her for the money, it does not give her any control over the loan, and as long as he is making the payments, no one can take it away.
Now, the bigger problem is her behavior, but it must be dealt with by your BF, with you 2 on the same page about what to do. I would say he should let her know that if it does not come to a full stop she will no longer be welcome in your lives, and if she does not stop, follow through. Once she realized you are serious about not letting her toxic attitude poison your family, she will hopefully stop so she can be a part of your lives again.
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A.C. answers from Cincinnati on June 26, 2010
I'm apparently in the minority, but I could care less about you two living together as long as you are in a committed relationship and intend to marry. I didn't have kids at the time, but I lived with my fiance before we got married and I think it was the best choice for us. I don't think it's against God's will - I think it made our marriage stronger because we were very secure together, and anyway, it's my life.
Having said that, I agree that getting married is not expensive. A wedding is expensive. If you wanted to be married right now, you could be. Saying otherwise seems like an excuse. However, you don't have to be married right now - that's entirely up to you. But I would stop coming up with reasons, and just accept that either that's what you want right now, or it's not.
As for your future MIL, frankly, it isn't your problem. It is time for future hubby to lay down the law, and if she just gets worse, it is up to him to decide how to proceed. This is his mother, and right now, she's not even your MIL, so her relationship to you is minimal. He needs to tell her when her behavior is unacceptable without bringing you into it, and make it clear that if she cannot be respectful to you, she cannot have contact with either of you. The reason this is driving a wedge in your relationship is most likely because you do not feel that he is entirely on your side - otherwise, it would be the two of you against FMIL. Also, as the co-signer, she has no rights over the car assuming that your FH continues to pay the bills on time. It's an empty threat. So sit down and talk to future-hubby about how you need to approach this - together. But you should never really have to deal with FMIL at this stage - it's up to him. Good luck.
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J.L. answers from Los Angeles on June 26, 2010
Me and my boyfriend aren't married right now either. His entire family is catholic, including his uncle the priest, and they all say "we're married in the eyes of God." LOL My family could care less about it but for them it was a big deal. They automatically started saying it. What is your BF's suggestion on how to handle this? I know you stated he and his father already talked to her but obviously that hasn't worked, so is there a second plan of action? Is there anyway you can cut off all communication with her, and just leave any and all conversations up to your BF? Does she just simply want you guys to be married, if so tell her she can pay for the marriage license (in california it's like 65 bucks). I feel for your situation. I didn't really fit in with my inlaws at first (althought I just learned to deal LOL), but nothing compared to what your going through. Good Luck!
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B. answers from Augusta on June 26, 2010
Why are you even engaged ? It's been 2 yrs , if you haven't gotten married you aren't going to. It takes about 20$ to get a married.Not having the money is just an excuse. the big wedding isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's a million things that can go wrong that just cost you money.
Get married or call it quits. It's not fair to your girls and you. And I have to agree with your MIL it is against God's laws if you get right down to it.
Finances: tell MIL to mind her own business.
course if you get married you won't problems with her on the rest of it.
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J.L. answers from San Diego on June 26, 2010
Your life has nothing to do with his mother, however I have to agree with her on you immoral living expecially with 2 girls in the home, it does not set a very good example for them. Your financial business is none of her's. Keep all letters she sends you keep a diary or log on all activities that she does, because if you decide to join this family you may need to get a restraining order against her. Have you though of how your daughters lives are going to be with this woman their grandma? J.
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on June 26, 2010
Whoa what a toxic MIL.
My friend, has/had a MIL like that. And she has children too.
The ONLY way they could lead normal/happy/their own lives... was to dis-own her. Even her own husband and the neighbors couldn't stand her. She made trouble to everyone, mega-control problems, and yes, espousing her religious beliefs on everyone.
MAIN thing, is for you AND your Finance... to be on the SAME page. She will try to split you up....
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