Furber Method???

If your bf is the father, then she is as much his as yours and you need to agree on how to handle this. And he should have trouble listening to a baby cry. Babies cry because the NEED something and this is the ONLY method they have to communicate. So both of you need to go in there and pick her up and find out WHY she is crying.

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well, this cry it out method at three months is completely wrong, so right off the bat i will say to listen to your boyfriend. why would you deny your baby something as simple as a pacifier? do you realize babies NEED to suck? its a natural instinct. do you also realize that if you dont allow them to suck a pacifier, they may resort to a thumb. any doctor or dentist would advise you a pacifier is a better option as you can remove it later, you cant remove a thumb. do you know that studies all show pacifiers help reduce the risk of SIDS. there is absolutely nothing wrong with using a pacifier as long as you no longer use one by three, and that is for the teeth.

i think you letting the baby cry it out is the "convienence". it has nothing to do with pacifier use and shouldnt be used on a 3 month old. and what does pacifier use or letting a baby cry it out have to do with a 5 year old "arguing" about going to bed or not?

to answer your question, it you have different beliefs you should compromise, but in this particular case, you are wrong and he is right. no comfort, no holding, no pacifier, at three months? just let her cry? i just dont understand

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The "sucking" releases serotonin and that makes us happy and it is easier to go to bed happy - many babies that cry it out too young are going to bed in a "depressed" mode and that is not healthy. Plus low serotonin levels have been found in just about EVERY SIDS baby - give the pacifier if she is not finding another way to suck.
You should have both discussed these issues before baby but since it is too late I suggest you invest in "Happiest Baby on the Block" there is an instructional DVD available of this program if you have not the time to read and dad's take better to the visual as well. I think it will work for both of you.
http://search.yahoo.com/search;_ylt=A0oG7jpG.ilP1ikADblXN...

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if you don't believe a tiny, tiny 3 month old should 'rely' on a pacifier, you'd be better off never offering one than letting a baby this small have one then yank it away. tinies need to suck. they're not being manipulative.
there is a lot more to the ferber method than sticking a baby in a crib and letting her wail. self-soothing is a very individual learning curve for each child and a sensitive parent doesn't assume that what works for one will work for all.
it sounds as if you are both demanding parenting styles that allow for your own convenience rather than paying attention to your children's needs. your boyfriend wants the baby to be quiet so he can watch tv, you want your kids to magically bypass nighttime needs, something all parents should be prepared to handle.
i think you both need to focus on what your kids need.
khairete
S.

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Judging from your other posts, your baby is about 6 weeks old, correct?

If so, she is WAAAAAAY too young to Ferberize. I'd head to the library and check out 2 books: 1) Dr. Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Baby on the Block" -- AMAZING book that taught me how to soothe my babies and to help them get good sleep. 2) Dr. Ferber's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Read the "Happiest Baby" book first. If you don't have time for that, do a Google search about it--basically you are looking for information about the 5 S's of soothing a baby.

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It depends on how old the baby is, from your question last week, the baby is only about 6 weeks old... the Ferber method doesn't recommend letting the baby just cry, or even recommend it for babies younger than 3 or 4 months, that is widely misunderstood which is what makes this form of sleep training at such a young age controversial... you still go in there and help the child learn to soothe, gradually increasing the amount of time you do not show up over a period of days or weeks:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified...

A lot of men have a harder time hearing a baby cry than women. Also, a pacifier can be good for a baby... that is how they learn to self soothe, that reflex to suck is ingrained in them. Also, pacifiers can help with SIDS deaths. I also like to get my kids off of them early, but it can be a good thing for young babies.

As for conflicting views with your boyfriend, the best thing you can do is make compromises and educate each other, as in do some research and find out what is best for the baby, then come to an agreement on how to help each other. Also, babies cry for different reasons, cold/hot, uncomfortable, hungry, gas, needs a diaper change... you have to make sure those physical needs are met before you walk away.

Dr. Sears also has some excellent ideas on helping a baby fall asleep:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/sleep-problems

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Just a note of caution: beliefs that make no room for individual variations among people can create a great deal of misery. I was brought up by a mother who was so stuck in her ideas that she could never see her four daughters as the very different people, with very different emotional needs, that we are. All of us grew up with major "issues," and none of us considers our childhoods happy, or conducive to healthy maturity or adult success.

Now, my mom is a fairly extreme case, but I hear her voice in your comment that you "don't believe" in pacifiers. You also don't mention your baby's age, or how long she does cry if left alone in her crib. As Momma L notes, Ferber himself finally changed his recommendations that babies younger than 6 months should not be expected to sleep without comforting. Some babies can with no trouble, but some simply never will.

Your boyfriend wants to do what seems most convenient for him. May I point out that you do, too? You apparently think that comforting your crying baby is not going to be convenient in the long term.

I hope you'll at least consider some alternative approaches to balance your beliefs. One particularly good one, with a track record of success and backed by actual studies, is Dr. Harvey Karp's system as presented in The Happiest Baby on the Block. You can see a few short videos showing his techniques here:

How-to's: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re...

Enhanced sleep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk5MUOMecHI&NR=1

Interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iu0TtxO-ocY&feature=re...

I'm wishing your family well.

7 moms found this helpful

How old is the new baby? If she is younger than 6 months, it's recommended not to do cry it out. Get the Happiest Baby on the Block from the bookstore or library. It's great. I'll help you both. Babies cry for a reason, it's the only way they have to communicate. Every child is different.

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Everyone has already said what is important:

1) How old is this baby? CIO is recommended for 4 months at the EARLIEST, and more like 6 months by most experts

2) The Ferber Method does not allow you to just let your baby cry itself to sleep. Have you read about it? It is about teaching your baby to self-soothe - there is a process

3) Is your boyfriend the baby's father? If he is, he gets equal say in child-rearing. You need to figure out how to work this out together.

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Hi Kaydon. I think that the paci and the Ferber method need to be two different things in your mind. You haven't said how old your baby is. Is she really little? How little? Infants need to suck for at least the first 3 months, and you don't want them using your breast nipple as a paci, and a paci is better than the thumb, since the thumbsucking habit is harder to break than a paci habit. My ped told me that I should discontinue the paci between 4 and 5 months, because after that, the baby doesn't need it - it would be just a habit by then.

So... your boyfriend is wanting to foster a habit for his convenience. I think that is a BAD idea. If baby is younger than 4 months, that's one thing. But I have a feeling that your baby is older and wants attention that your boyfriend doesn't want to give. :(

Does your boyfriend have another place he could stay for a week? If so, tell him to go and YOU use the Ferber method to sleep train your baby. As long as your baby is over 12 pounds (according to my ped - ask your own ped for advice), your baby can sleep through the night. Your BF can't use the "gaga" if you don't have it in the house anymore. And he had better get over hearing her cry. If he's the father of your baby, that's called "fathering up". If he's not the father, it is not his business how you decide to handle this.

Good luck,
D.

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I vote give the pacifier. There is no problem with a child needing them. I think that is much simpler that listening to a baby cry instead of comforting them and helping them go back to sleep. He sounds like a good dad.

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ROFL...ahhh, this is going to be a fun thread!

Your question - you should ignore the boyfriend. Your baby, your decision. If he can't respect that, it seems to bode ill for y'alls future.

Now i just want to sit back and read all the unsolicited advice about how you should get married, or how you're a terrible mom for letting your baby self soothe. (Personally I'm with ya - we did it too and it works for us, but to each their own)

let the advising begin....

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Living apart not an option?

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The two of you should do some reading/research on sleep and babies, and have a long conversation about it so that you can come to an agreement on how to handle things. This conversation should definitely not happen at night! :o)

Read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," by Dr. Weissbluth. It's terrific, and saved my sanity with my 5 month old. One of the things he points out is that you really can't sleep-train a baby until he is at least 4 months old. Before that, you do need to get up when she cries.

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