Funeral Out of State

I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. My grandmother died in hospice four months ago and I was blessed to be at her side when she passed. It's for this reason that I agree with your mom. Your mom needs all of your support right now. She has been through a lot sitting at the side of a dying loved one. If she wants her grandchildren by her side (and is willing to pay), then they should come. I can understand why you might not bring them if they were toddlers, but they are older children and should be able handle themselves responsibly. School activities can wait, and isn't really a good excuse. A death in the family is a time where families should come together, and the school will excuse them. It's only a few days. I wish your family peace during such a sorrowful time.

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My sympathy to your impending loss. It is never easy loosing a family member. If your children are 15 and 10, they need to go to the funeral. They are way old enough to start learning about "life". I was brought up with a very "mature" family and was an only child. My mom was an organist at our church for funerals and I went with them when they had occassions such as this to attend more times than I can count. I chose to do the same with my child and he has been more understanding about death than some adults. He told me just after second grade, that "Mom, it is all part of the life cycle". On the other hand, my husband did not experience a loss/funeral until his father passed away. That was very difficult for him as he was brought up like your children...sheltered from the reality of life. You, as a parent, have to teach your children about this if they haven't been taught thus far. It is not up to the children to make the decision. Life isn't all roses. There are difficult times and they should start to learn about some of them. To have a death in the family is a perfectly good reason for your children to miss their activities. If the activities come first, your family member obviously didn't mean that much to them. Your mother has offered to pay for the tickets so I assume that money is not the issue. Use this as a "teachable moment". Grief of a family member gives support to the rest of the family. Your mother obviously wants you there as well as the children to help her through this difficult time. Remember, she is about to lose HER mother. That is not easy. You shouldn't have to "deal" with her. Out of respect to her wishes you need to take the children. Don't worry about whatever you think are the kids needs as they are old enough to take care of themselves with the small things. Do be there for the big things like teaching them about what is going on. Put the 15 year old in charge of overseeing the 10 year old. Then make them part of the things you need to attend to. If you are receiving people back at the house, have them help with the food and set-up of that. Your 15 year old is going to be leaving the nest soon and you need to teach him/her how to live on their own as a healthy adult. Take it from me as I am in the midst of preparing my child for his senior year of high school. I am trying to let go and let him gain some experience and independence about many things, money, food, laundry, etc... so please reconsider taking them and your husband, if he can, with you. Your mother will appreciate it.

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Dear A.,

I'm very sorry about your grandmother, for you and your family. I know your mom is suffering - we lost my dad a year and a half ago, and she took care of him until the end along with hospice.

I think the difference in your grandfather's funeral and your grandmother's upcoming funeral could be that she's already been through one and dreads the second, so more family around her would mean more support.

We traveled from the other side of the world to get to my dad's funeral (I came first, hoping to make it in time to be with him - I missed him by 5 hours) and then my boys and husband got there the night before the funeral. My husband and I both felt that my 15 and 13 year olds (then) needed to attend in order to understand the loss better, put some closure to it (that is what a funeral is for, to help the living have a form of closure to the loss of a friend or family member), and to learn how to act in this kind of social setting. It is a type of social setting, and people have to learn how to act - they don't just know instinctively. My kids were old enough. They also helped enormously. My younger son couldn't face doing it, but my older son wanted to be a pall bearer. My younger son took charge of pushing his great-grandmother in her wheelchair and she appreciated it being him instead of a stranger. Having "jobs" assigned to them made them feel like a part of things and made them feel important. It also helped them act more grown-up than I had seen them act.

My younger son did cry. I'm grateful for that because it's part of the grieving process and for some people it's necessary.

Regarding your question, are you right or wrong to leave the kids at home, it's not a matter of right or wrong. Just think about the reasons you have to spare them from the burden. Sometimes it's best not to spare kids - they need to understand what death is about. Perhaps it will help them in ways you haven't thought about, like preparing them for a friend's death later on, (ie tragic circumstances), think twice about drinking and driving and the consequences, drug use, etc. You never know what lessons they might learn that we would never think of, because we are grown up and know more and think differently than teens.

Good luck on your decision, and our condolences to your sweet mother.

D.

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At their age, since money will not be a consideration, I would let them decide. You have not said how they feel about going. If they were in school, it would take a little more thought, but since it is summer, I would let each one decide whether attending their great grandma's funeral or staying home for their activities. It is understandable that it seems to mean more to your mom, since she was obviously close to her mom, but the bond gets weaker with each generation. No one else can say what it means to your kids. It will also mean a lot to your kids if you show you respect their opinion.

First, I am sorry for what you all are going through.

I would ask the kids what they want. If it were THEIR grandmother, I would think it would be important that they be there, but I don't know how close they are with their great-grandmother. Sometimes people have issues later when they cannot say goodbye to people they are close to but if GG'ma was just someone they saw once a year and had no personal relationship, then I think they will be fine and you and your husband (& kids) should do what you collectively think is best.

Remember, this is your mom's mom...the most important woman in her life for years. I am sure it is difficult for her to imagine that not everyone is grieving at the level she is. I am sure she was a little hurt to hear the kids and you put soccer practice (or whatever) above GG'ma. (Sorry to sound harsh, but I will bet she is thinking something along those lines). I'd tell her that the kids have already said their goodbyes and grieved in their own way and YOU need to go to the funeral and be able to grieve and want to be there for her in a way you feel you cannot with the kids there. I am sure that is all true.

Im sorry but i agree with your mother. its very important that the children see this part of life. I would make arrangements for them to go. schools understand death its not like they are cutting class for fun or anything. good luck and im sorry about your loss

If she was okay with the kids not being there for your husbands grandfather's funeral, I don't think she really has a right to be against it for this situation. If you need to, remind her of her being okay with the other situation she was okay with. You're the mom, it's your right, leave the kids at home.

I'd ask the kids how they feel about it - just because they understand the decision doesnt mean they agree. Ask them separately if they would like to go. If they've never been to a funeral, explain what usually happens. They might not want to go, or they might. If they want to go and the expense is an issue, take your mom up on her offer. If they don't want to go, then tell your mom that the children have the opportunity but would rather stay home so that they can remember their great-grandmother as she was when they saw her over the summer. If she persists, since you have an option relationship, thank her for her offer but stand your ground and let her know you are doing what is best for your kids, and for them, it's remembering the more pleasant goodbyes of the summer and not the unpleasantness and surrounding grief of a funeral.

good luck with however you handle it - it's a sticky situation. I wish you strength during this difficult time.

A., I think you are doing the right thing since especially your children are preteen/teens I mean you aren't going to be gone for a month... it makes more sense for you to go and come back. You will much more useful alone to your family at the funeral.

You can always call home a few times a day. ;)

Remember this and you can share it with your mom.

A., do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. ;)

You are right. You have to do what you feel is best for your family and children. Unfortunately, your mom is already greiving over losing her mom. That is why she wants your children there. Grandchildren just have a special effect. Have the kids write her notes/letters/cards or take pictures they wrote a note on the back. You can bring them with you to give to her everyday (mind you the kids may think it is lame, and you will proably get the eye roll). These will mean alot to her.

While it would be nice if you could all go, but it is not alway possible. Your mom may not be nice about it, be prepared. Remember, she is losing her mom. Let her know it is not about the money, The kids have commitments.

She was probably OK with your husband's grandfather because it was not her father. The in-law factor.

While I certainly would not wish this loss on any family, I hope that all is peaceful and offer my condolences.
My mom is old school, and I'm just going from what I would think her expectations would be in this case. All family needs to be present for big events like weddings and funerals.
Your kids are old enough to be appropiate at a funeral. I have a ten year old son who would be extremely sad at a funeral and would need a lot of my attention, so if your daughter is the same way I would support telling your mom that she doesn't come. The 15 year old should definately come.
You said that you explained the situation to them and they agreed to stay at home. That tells me both of your kids are mature and could handle themselves if your mom needed most of your attention while you were there. No one expects that they wouldn't cry or get upset at the funeral.
In our family, funerals are much like a family reunion. You see tons of family that you wouldn't normally get to see. Wouldn't you like your children to have an opportunity to hear wonderful stories about their grandmother first hand from the people who love her?
If your mom is willing to pay for the tickets (no extra financial concerns for you), why not let them come? And then if everyone else is coming and army hubby is able to get away, he can come too and be the ones that the kids go to first so that you can still be fully available for your mom.
My mom would want to be able to introduce her grandchildren to the relatives coming to the funeral. Grandmoms and Great-grandmoms are especially proud of those grandbabies! Also, it may simply be comforting to her to have you all there for emotional support. If the kids are there, she may be distracted enough in thinking about their well being that she doesn't fall apart herself (being strong for them, you know?). I feel like I've poorly organized this reply, but I'm tired, please excuse my randomness. I guess if I were to take sides in this, I am siding with your mom this time.

M.

I think you are right for the decision you've made. You should just let your mother know that that's the decision that was made and you're going to stick to it. When I was younger, in school, my grandfather died. We only saw him every summer. My parent's made the decision not to take my brother and I out of school. Your mother should understand.

I am sorry for your grandmothers situation. Your mom is probably feeling the loss and having her kids and grandkids far away just magnifies the loss she is feeling. I have worked with hospice and end of life patients for a long time. When you know your losing a family member it is natural to want to have all your family around. Talk to your husband and kids to see how they feel. When I was 13 my grandmother(moms mom) died. We were close. My dads mom insisted that we were to young to go to the funeral. My brothers were 8 and 4 mos old. I don't think my brother cared either way but I did! I wanted to go and could not. I understand the traveling and school activities. Pray on it and if the Lord wants you to go with the kids then it will work out. God Bless and know that my prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

Lots of advice on this one - wow. I think it's your decision. I agree that it's easier to not take kids if you are wanting to help your mom. And it also depends on how close they were to your grandmother. Funerals are really for those remaining. So if your mother is wanting family around her to support her when her mother has passed - she is asking for that support. I haven't lost my mother, but when my grandmother (her mother) passed it was VERY hard. I had never seen my mom cry like that. But - it would've been hard to take my kids...it was easier to console and talk and reminisce with my mom without any distractions. Best of luck whatever you decide. If your kids don't go then perhaps they send very special notes with a memory of their grandmother, and certainly have them call your mom on the phone.

I'm totally with ya on this- if you take your kids you'll be so limited in what you can do to help. That's great your hubby's supporting it. Tell your mom the kids said their goodbyes, and they have other commitments they are obligated to fulfill, (doing their part for their sports team, etc) and since they had their special moment of goodbye already they ought to attend to their commitments now. Be sure to mention that they love and respect and miss Grandma, and were able to gain closure from their final experience with her. Just say you've made the arrangements that are best for your family and don't argue any further. I'd just keep repeating that last part until she stopped pushing it. Sorry for your loss, and I hope it goes as well as possible.

P.S.- Do your kids want to go? If so maybe there are friends/ other family members they can stay with out there while you attend to the funeral arrangements, and they can just come for the funeral itself.

Tough one...

I think you might want to consider who's needs are greatest & re-asses the situation. Your mom might feel she needs all her family with - she is about to lose her mom...

Your children are at a wonderful age where they are independent & self reliant. IF they go, they will be able to take care of most of their own needs. They are old enough to understand what is most important.

Do they want to go? Would they go if they knew it was important to your mother? It sounds like it is really important to your mom.

Take a deep breath, and consider the greatest need. You have one chance once the time comes. It is ok for them to miss a few days of school or a game or practice. They will not be criticized for supporting a family member at a funeral. Neither will you.

My thoughts are with you.

P

You need to do what is right for YOU and your family. Really, no explanation to your mom is necessary other than, "I really think this is best and I need you to please respect that right now". Or you may simply say, "this is what I need to do, otherwise things are just too stressful for me and all of us". Maybe your mom is worried that the kids will forget all about Grandma and not treat her passing with the appropriate amount of remembrance, sorrow, respect etc. Perhaps in a totally different conversation you could offer up some info on how your family is processing Grandma's life and death. For instance, with my kids (who did not go out of state for their Great Grandma's funeral), we went through pictures and made a scrapbook for them focused on Great Grandma (not a huge fancy one, just a few pages tied together). We also inherited a lot of rubber stamps from Grandma and had some stamping fun while I told them how much Grandma liked to do it too and how she shared them with us. Plan another trip with the kids a few months out (especially if you can afford it with mom's help) and you can have more of social visit and perhaps dedicate an afternoon to reliving memories with your mom and the grandkids. Death really scrambles your brain sometimes and you never know what is going to seem "appropriate" to another person no matter how well you know them, you have to be true to yourself here.

You're doing the right thing. My grandfater passed away on Good Friday and my 11yo son and I were the only ones that went. I homeschool him so it was easier, but I too wanted to help clean out his apartment and get his things in order so I couldn't have my daughter, who goes to public school, miss any more school. So she and my husband stayed home. Yall have said your good-byes and that is good. You just have to be firm but gentle and tell your mom that you appreciate the offer but this is for the best and that money can be used elsewhere. If you can, video record your kids sending their condolences to your Mom and play it for her.

I'm sorry about your grandmother, although we know it's coming, it's still not easy. I miss my grandfather.

Leave the decision up to the children. It sometimes helps closure, acceptance and understanding, but it can also be traumatic. good luck and God bless. Sorry for your loss.

First of all, they are your children, you and your husband no what is in their best interests. My father passed away last November. The whole family went to his funeral (he lived in NC where we live, but was buried in his home state of WV). For Memorial Day, I needed to go see my daddy. So, I took my mother and granny and we went. I did not take my 3 children. They are in the same age range as yours. There would have been nothing for them to do and they had activities here they would have missed out on. It is what was best for our family. That is what you need to tell others. Your husband and you made a decision and it is what is best for your family.

A.,
Re-visit the issue with your husband. How close were the kids to your grandmother? Do they need the closure? Don't be pressured by outside influences - you and your husband know what is best for your family. Stick to the plan that you and he agree upon and that works for your family (you, husband and kids).

Handle your mom with care, she is in a very stressfull place right now. Be gentle and be there for her, even if she gets upset with you about the decision with the kids.

Blessings to you as you go through the days ahead

T.

Honey it's your family, you do as you and your husband see fit. Your mother is feeling very vurnerable and sad, as she should be..but you have to stick to your guns on this. It is NOT necessary to have your children there, it's not as if they would be able to correct the situation or ease it for anyone. Your kids may actually walk away bearing the burdens of those around them and you wouldn't want that. Just be straight forward with your mother, do not offer any more of an explanation than you already have. Tell her they are staying behind and that you will be there.
You also may wish to suggest that later in the year or plan a time to have a small memorial service for those that could not attend. At that point emtions will be lower and the good times will be easier to remember and your kids could benefit from that.

Hi A.
First let me send my thoughts and prayers for you and your family. This must be difficult. Hospice is such a great thing for those who have terminal health.
I think you should stick to the plan that works for your immediate family in your household. Not sure how well your kids know your GM but if they didn't know her well, it's probably best to keep them home. I fully agree with you. I'm sure that your mother just wants her family with her. You shouldn't bring your family though just because your mother expects them to be there. Later, I'm sure that she'd agree with the decision you make to keep them home.

My thoughts and prayers to you/your family
PJ

The kids are old enough to decide for themselves, I'd think. Tell them that it's really important to their grandmother that everyone get together at this time and that she has offered to pay for their tickets. Help them weigh the pros and cons themselves between going or staying (without prejudice. Let it truly be THEIR decision and you can let your mom know that they decided not to come if that's their decision). This has the potential for being a big 'life lesson' for them -- learning to choose between 'two good things', thinking of others, etc.

God bless!

HI A.,

So sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think it is great that you visited her as a family and everyone got to say "goodbye" to her. Unfortunately, you have 2 different problems: 1. Your mother wants different treatment for her family than for your husband's and 2. Children at a funeral. Number 2 is easier, so I'll start there. I see nothing wrong with your decision. With a child in high school, it is difficult to miss school, even for a legitimate reason. They've already said their goodbyes and probably don't see any reason to attend. Since you've already established this as a family "rule", I see no reason to change it. Obviously, your mother feels differently. It may just be that she would like her grandchildren there for comfort and does not want to admit it. I would hope that she could understand that they cannot miss too much school. As a military family, ourselves, we limit absences so that the children can be out when their dad is home from deployments - definitely a more important occasion(even if it sounds a little mean to non-military families). Let your mom know that if you brought the kids (if they wanted to attend, pre-teens and teens can be funny about stuff like that), you would only be able to stay for the funeral and would have to return home. If you come alone, you could stay longer and spend time with her and help her out with a multitude of things that will need to be done. How does your husband feel about this? If he feels that this is slighting his family or giving your family "special" treatment, then I would stick to the original plan. If he doesn't care either way, I would ask the children if they want to attend. If they say "no", I would not make them go, but you do have to decide what to tell your mom. It sounds as if you have a good relationship, I would just be honest. I wish you the best. L.

A.~
you are not wrong. Gently tell your mom that you and your husband had a plan in motion so there would be less confusion to the children. While they do their activities for school, you'd be getting closure of your family business. As long as you and your husband agree, no one else needs to be involved; unless you both had to go and needed a sitter. It is better to let them remember the good times and also a good thing to do- is to share stories and pictures.hope all goes well. I pray you have peace of mind and comfort in your time of loss. God has everything in his control. You know when you lose a loved one, it is sad; but remember this- heaven just recieved another one of your precious treasures. Heaven will be sweeter as the days go by. A. g.

I think it depends on how close your kids were to her and if it bothers them not to go. Why would your mother care if they go anyway? Remind her that they did not attend the other funeral and that funerals are not something that you feel your kids 'need' to do. It is up to you and if you feel you are truly making the best decision for your family, do so. Just try and take some quiet time to yourself and see if you think you will ever regret your decision and wish they had gone. I doubt it.

Hi A.,
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it's never easy to lose someone.

In my opinion I would bring your husband and the kids because it sounds like it's important for your Mom to see them and it might help her through the greiving process to have them there. Also, no matter how the relationship is between your grandma and your kids it's important that your kids go to the funeral so they can pay their respects. Not only that it will help them learn that it's important to take time out their schedule for the death of someone. It's important for the kids to understand what's happening and to have time to mourn. It will mean a lot to your Mom so I would rearrange the schedules to be there. It's the respectful thing to do. I hope this helps you out! God Bless you and your family during this time.