20 answers

Funeral - Attend or Not Attend

Hi mom's, my grandpa passed away this morning. He is in Ohio, I am in Idaho. I am trying to make the choice of going to the funeral or not.
I am blessed to have gone home over Christmas where I got to see him.
Like everyone, money is tight. To add to it, our car's transmission went out on Tuesday and we will need to get a new one.
My hubby is very busy at work right now and I am not sure how we could handle me leaving the kids.
I am leaning toward not going. I did just see him and when I said goodbye, I knew it would be for the last time. My real questions is: what would you do. IF I do not go, will I regret it?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all for your responses, and so fast! I was afraid I would not get any quick enough to help in the decision. I decided that I was not going to attend. I said my goodbyes a little over a week ago. Also, I believe he is gone, his body remains, but is just a shell. After learning he passed, I looked to the Heavens and "talked" to him. I know it might sound weird, but I believe he is up there looking down on us.
My mom actually told me and my siblings out here not to come. She said don't spend the money for so short a time. She and my gma understand.
He lived a good long life and left a wake of tears at this passing. I am grateful for the bond we had and that I was able to say goodbye that one last time.
Thanks again all.

Featured Answers

I had one of my closest friends from high school (and after) pass away unexpectedly this May. I live in RI, his family lives in MI. I could not make it do to not having anyone watch my son, as well as financially at that time, it wasn't manageable. His family even offered to pay for my flight. While I felt bad about not attending, I was able to write a poem for my friend, and his family. They printed it onto the pamphlet for the Memorial service. So, in a way, I was present. Maybe their is a quote or poem you could send them so they could read it at the funeral. Especially if you can't make it. They understand.

2 moms found this helpful

Funerals are for the living. It wouldn't have mattered if I went to my moms funeral or not....she KNEW I loved her.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

I would not go. I had to make a similar choice last year. My Grandma had passed. I was planning on attending. 9 hour drive. Was having sciatic nerve flare up. Found out the day before I was supposed to leave that I would need to have back surgery the day after returning. I could have made the trip, but Dr. suggested I don't go. I didn't go. My family understood. Yours will too.

3 moms found this helpful

I make the decision on a case by case basis (lots of death in my life).

I always go to a child's funeral.

I rarely go to a friend's funeral (unless I'm close with the family, but most of the time I've never met the family).

I nearly always go to family wakes, but rarely go to the funeral itself. Actually, it's pretty standard in my family NOT to have funerals, but just to have wakes. We like to remember the person as they were in life. ((This is willed into most of our wills... no funeral. In fact, one member instructed everyone to calculate how much it would cost to attend his funeral; travel, clothes, sitters, etc... and to spend that exact amount doing something fun.))

I have never regretted my choices. Whether I go or stay, I've done what has felt right at the time. That's not always true in my life, I sometimes regret what seemed like the right thing at the time, but so far... in funerals as in MOST things, trusting my gut rarely leads me astray.

3 moms found this helpful

I have had several family funerals that I did not attend. I do not regret any of it. I have always lived out of state from where family resides so attending on short notice was not easy. I prefer to spend time with family in person while they are still living. What point is a funeral anyway? It is a morbidly acceptable tradition that is done for what reason? The deceased is no longer there, you will not be visiting them. So stay home and don't feel bad. If you visited at Christmas then you have already said good bye, especially if you knew you would not be seeing him again (even if only in your thoughts). Don't make excuses for why you shouldn't go, sounds like you have already said goodbye to him, let the funeral go. I had a great grandmother pass and I was very close with her, I didn't go to her funeral. I lived 1300 miles away and she had not been in her right mind in years. For me she had been gone long before that anyway. My grandfather passed, I lived more than 1300 miles away, I did not go. I had just seen him a few months before. My Aunt passed of Cancer, I went to see her while she was living when we knew the end was close. Don't feel like you have to go because it's what is expected, you know how you feel about the departure, you do not have to be "there" so that every one else can see you morn for him.

3 moms found this helpful

When my God Father died, I could not make it to the funeral. I am in VA, he is CA. I could NOT make it to the funeral. My God mother and family were fine with this.

When my grandmother died - she was in SD and I had just started a new job. To get to the funeral would have been a good 12 hour travel day as no carrier flew from Dulles to Rapid City, SD.

People understand finances and timing. If they don't? Tell them to pound sand. If I could not afford it - I wouldn't go. My God Father nor my Grandmother would want me to go into debt to see them laid to rest.

3 moms found this helpful

If you are ok not going, then you don't need to go. People say their final goodbyes in different ways. If you don't need to be at the funeral for that, then there is your answer.

2 moms found this helpful

I had one of my closest friends from high school (and after) pass away unexpectedly this May. I live in RI, his family lives in MI. I could not make it do to not having anyone watch my son, as well as financially at that time, it wasn't manageable. His family even offered to pay for my flight. While I felt bad about not attending, I was able to write a poem for my friend, and his family. They printed it onto the pamphlet for the Memorial service. So, in a way, I was present. Maybe their is a quote or poem you could send them so they could read it at the funeral. Especially if you can't make it. They understand.

2 moms found this helpful

Funerals are for the living. It wouldn't have mattered if I went to my moms funeral or not....she KNEW I loved her.

2 moms found this helpful

I did not go to my grandmother's funeral, same exact circumstances. So, if I were you, I would send flowers and a sympathy card and not feel any sort of guilt for not being able to attend.

2 moms found this helpful

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