Frustration

Hi K.,

First of all no you are not alone. I had my first child when I was 22 years old and tried for years to get pregnant. I did the Clomid thing & the x-rays to check my tubes. I didn't go so far as seeing a fertility specialist.

It is hard to see people getting pregnant that you know didn't want anymore or you know that their financial situation is not the best to try and support a baby.

My family gave me very good advise, which although it is very hard to follow, can and has worked. Basically, "relax, and don't try so hard."

I tried from the time that my son was 2 years old to get pregnant with a sibling for him. I wanted them to be three years apart.

After a lot of heart break, & miscarriages, I had finally decided that I was happy that I had just my then 9 year old son and accepted that he would be my one and only. Then just after his 10th birthday I found out that I was pregnant with his little sister.

So to sum up... No you are not alone in trying and struggling. You are also not alone to feel jealous, mad, and even hurt at wanting a child that you can care for and would love when it seems that everyone else around you gets pregnant by just sneezing.

If you want someone to talk to that can empathize, or if you just want to vent to someone who can listen. Please feel free to holler at me.

Take care & chin up! :)

H. C.

You are so not being unreasonable!! I was there before and I know that feeling all too well. After 2 years ttc, many months of Clomid, a m/c and lots of tears shed I got pregnant with my son Zachary through IVF. Then, I got pg with my son Matthew naturally the next year. Guess my body finally figured out what to do. But, no one understands just how all consuming the infertility road is except the women who have been through it before you. After all the drugs I have been on I still swear that Clomid was the worst emotionally on me. Also, are you having ultrasounds to check your lining? Because my m/c was because my lining had been destroyed by Clomid. totally sucked and I swore I would never take Clomid again. Who is your RE? I saw dr Kallenberger at Bennett, but I new wish I had seen dr Rashef, he is way nicer. I dont know if I helped or not, I just want you to know that I feel your pain, and it is totally normal, and no you arent crazy!!!
xoxo
N.

I completely understand. I'm 31 and just had a baby last year after 10 years of infertility and finally having IVF to get pregnant. I'm very fortunate the first IVF took and the pregnancy went smooth. But before the procedure I spent 10 years dealing with the same emotions you have. Your husband doesn't understand, but may need to hear from other infertile women that your emotions are normal. I hated ALL pregnant women ESPECIALLY when they complained about how it was an accident. I wanted to breath fire on them. It is because we have such a deep desire and need to become pregnant and this is out of our control. Ask your husband how he would feel if he REALLY wanted a promotion or some success at work that other seemingly undeserving people got instead of him, and they talked about how they really didn't want it that bad. He would resent them too.

If you are really struggling, ask your doctor about a support group or seek a counselor. It helps. Otherwise, accept your feelings as normal, avoid situations you can't handle (like baby showers- nicely send a gift and decline attending the showers), and only talk about your infertility with people in your ring of trust. Unfortunately, many people say insensitive things like "it's not God's will", or "there must be a reason", or "stop trying and you will get pregnant"... They mean well, but it hurts. Just talk to people who will be sensitive to your emotions. Hang in there. Remember your beatiful 2 year old. What a blessing!

I know what you mean. I have been there. I had 3 cycle of clomid, before getting pregnat with my also two-year ols daughter. I had two with my ob/gyn and one with a specialist. I know right where you are. The whole time my husband and I tried to get pregnant, I resented every pregnant women I saw. My sister and sister-in-law each had one. Then the day I gave birth to my daughter my sister-in-law annouced she was pregnant again. Due in 6 months. It is hard to be happy for people when you want it so bad and are trying so hard. I know I've been there. Before I got pregnant I about resented every pregnant women I saw especailly the ones I knew weren't trying and then landed a baby. Those people made me so mad because it seemed as if they didn't care. I was very frustrating to watch God give all these women babies and not me.

Then when I was blassed with a pregnancy it was so hard on me. I had to take progestrone suppositories. That was the worst, they sent me into depression. It was the worst pregancy I could imange. Though on the bright side I have been blessed with a very easy baby. She slept thourgh the night at a month, she is happy all the time, she picks up after herself. She really is prefect and I am not the only one to say. Other people who don't like kids like it when she is around. So where it was tourture waiting for a baby I think had I gotten one when I wanted it I would not of been ready also had she come at any other time then when she did my husband and I would not be married any more. We went through a lot when we first had her and without her we would of given up. When I think about resenting pregnant women now I just have to remember that God really does know what he is doing and even though he may make you wait longer then you want to he really knows when it is going to best for the family. I am also trying for number two this time we are going to try to have one without medicine at least try for a year or so and if not then we will go back to Dr. Reshif he is wonderful at Baptist. I highly recomend him.

K.-
I understand where you are coming from. I had to do IVF for my three girls. When I lost my first baby due to an eptopic pregnancy, I couldn't even look at a pregnant woman without getting frustrated, mad, depressed and running the whole gamete of emotions. Eventually I had to stop watching the evening news because I couldn't deal with the horror that some people put their children through. In retrospect I should have had some professional counseling, but I didn't. I was a very angry, bitter person for over a year.

I would suggest finding a support group in your area. There are IVF support groups in KC, so I would assume there are support groups for the same issues you are going through. I am willing to email with you as much as possible, but we don't live in the same city.

I don't think you feelings are out of the ordinary. They sound exactly like what I felt. It doesn't help that I went through it, when you are going through it. I don't think there is anything magic that anyone can say that will help you get over what you are feeling. I don't know if you are a religious or spiritual person, but I will keep you in my prayers. That is another phase I went through - how can this be happening to me, all the people don't even want kids and they get pregnant, what did I do to deserve this, I'm a good person, why am I being punished, etc.

I feel like I rambled on and on. I just want you to know you are totally normal!! Hug your son, be thankful for him, and keep trying - don’t' give up!!

M.

K.,
Infertility issues can be so devastating, so what you are feeling is completely normal and you are not alone. I'm 31 and tried for 3 years before I got pregnant with my son. After the first year, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had several procedures to get pregnant and treat the endo. During that time it seemed every single one of my friends was getting pregnant (the natural progression in life.) I was happy but at the same time envious, angry b/c it happened "the first time they tried" and depressed. After all the procedures I was given the green light to try again. Nothing happened. We decided to go the Invitro route. As my RE was doing prep work for IVF, she found a rather large cyst on my ovary (the same ovary I had a cyst removed just 6 months prior.) So we scheduled a laporatomy. My best friend ended up getting pregnant and I hit rock bottom. At the same point, I was scheduled for a laporotomy in two months of her getting pregnant. Two weeks before the scheduled surgory I found out I was pregnant! Needless to say I did not have the surgory. My whole point to this long drawn out story is that things happen when you least expect it. I got pregnant when I "stopped trying" (due to the surgory.) Just remember that you are not alone and use this website as a sounding board for support b/c it seems that the consensus is your feelings are completely validated whether or not family and friends understand them. Best of luck to you!

K.,

First of all, HUGS!!! I'm so sorry for the troubles that you've been having. I can only imagine the frustration you must be feeling.

I lost my first pregnancy because it was ectopic but was fortunate enough to conceive my son & my current pregnancy without any problems. However, after losing that first baby I do NOT EVER take it for granted. I know it's not always as easy as it's been the past 2 times for me and I really feel for others who are having trouble conceiving.

I felt exactly as you're feeling after the ectopic pregnancy. I actually almost felt angry at pregnant women! While intellectually I know it's an unkind way to think, it is such a natural reaction to this kind of an issue.

Don't come down on yourself for having these feelings - I don't think anyone's who's been in your shoes would expect you to feel any other way.

I agree with the others that it would be helpful to find a support group to help you through this time.

I hope and pray that you and your husband will be able to conceive soon!

Best Wishes,
J.

I highly recommend this site: http://www.infertilityworkshop.com/

I jad three miscarriages and then after I went the natural/herbal route as described there I had my three girls. The owner is very helpful (although busy :) ).

I'm not even going to pretend I understand what you're going through with fertility issues, but I will tell you that you should not feel guilty for resenting pregnant women. It is human nature to be jealous of people who have something you want. I am always baffled by the fact that some women want children so badly and can't have them, while women who could care less have no problem concieving. I wish you the best of luck in your continued conception efforts. I will keep you in my prayers.

I think your frustration is normal. While I have not personally had any fertility issues...yet (I have one young daughter) both my mother and my sister have had fertility problems. My mother had three miscarriages and had a great deal of trouble conceiving my sisters. I know that she was happy for her friends when they became pregnant, but she felt sorrow because she wasn't having a baby also. Additionally, in our society we have the technology and freedom to prevent conception, because of this I think we forget the miracle that conception requires. We think that it is so easy to turn off that it should be just as easy to turn on. For this reason, I think that sometimes people do not understand the sincere sorrow of a woman who is having trouble conceiving. Trying to find a support group for woman who are having trouble conceiving would be a good for your mental health. I know that babycenter.com has message boards for women who are trying to conceive. Best of wishes!

K. -

"Can anyone give me tips on how to not be so angry and how to cope with this???"

My only tip would be to fake it! Your feelings are your feelings and you can't make them go away. You can, however, be gracious and kind when you around your other friends.

I went through my own fertility issues. I knew about them long before I got married, so that helped. I have a wonderful sister who offered to be our surrogate. She is now 19 weeks pregnant with our biological twin boys. I know the pain you are going through, but you just have to fake it.

You're in my prayers.

J.

While I can't offer any suggestions on how to work around this obstacle, I can tell you that you are absoluetly NOT being unreasonable. It is difficult to watch others get so easily what you want to have and currently can't. My sister-in -law has a 9 year old, and has been trying to have a second child. She can occassionally concieve, but loses the baby early on, and they can't figure out why. It is a difficult issue to deal with, and you need all the support you can get. I very much hope that everything will work out for you. Good luck!

K.. I know it must be so frustrating and sad to experience this issue. We have many patients that have been through all that you have before they show up in our office. It seems strange, I know, but chiropractic gets tremendous results with this type of situation. We have seen many people get pregnant after they had given up hope...and we have even seen women who thought they were post-menopausal have cycles!
There is a ton of research on this very topic. If you would like to read more please go to
http://www.icpa4kids.org/research/chiropractic/infertilit...
or write me back anytime.
Good luck!

I too have battled PCOS since I was diagnosed at 18. After 5 years of trying and multiple rounds of fertility drugs, we just had our first child in July. I used a Reproductive Endocrinologist as well and know how difficult it is too watch everyone around you become pregnant effortlessly. It is natural to feel hurt, jealous, angry, happy--sometimes all at once. It is a personal battle that your husband may also be experiencing, he just can't verbalize it quite as well as you can! Hang in there--now that I'm on the other side I realize how hard it of an uphill battle it was. I wouldn't trade one moment of it, either.

DON'T TRY!!!!! LOL. I understand easier said than done. I tried for almost 7 yrs for my number 2 daughter who will be 7 months old on the 4th. I tried for almost 10 years to get pregnant with my oldest. I have wanted kids since I was old enough to concieve them. Granted I wasn't mature enough to care for them until I had my youngest; however that didn't stop the desire. Let me know how thigs turn out please. My e-mail address is ____@____.com

I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at the age of 24. The year and a half we tried to get pregnant, I had a lot of trouble with anyone who was pregnant. I couldn't go to baby showers, couldn't look at pregnant women, cried and raged, avoided the baby isle, turned and went the other way in stores to avoid pregnant women. I tried to isolate myself to protect myself, so I think how you feel is extremely normal. We adopted our son from Russia five years ago, he saved me. I am now a happy person again. Yet I still have trouble dealing with people who are pregnant, especially if they are complaining about their pregnancy, I don't have any sympathy for them, when I would give almost anything to be able to experiece a pregnancy. I suggest you find a counselor whom you can talk to, who will empathize with your pain, and give you a safe outlet for your pain. Good luck.