35 answers

Frustrated with My Husband Not Helping

I'm starting to get frustrated with my husband's unwillingness to help me out with the baby every night. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm with her all day, and sometimes get frustrated when my daughter is fussy. He acts like it's a big deal that she's crying, but never once offers to take her off my hands. When I do ask, he acts like it's a big chore. I can understand he's had a long day at work, but I feel like he could at least help a teensy bit more, especially on the weekends. I'm starting to feel resentment towards him because while I'm busy dealing with a fussy 2 month old, he's going about his merry buisiness doing whatever he pleases.(sleeping, video games,reading,painting...)Meanwhile, I'm getting more and more frustrated with him and my daughter's picking up on it, which is making her fuss more. Just once I'd like him to offer on his own to take her so I can get some good rest or do something relaxing I enjoy doing. I feel like it's driving a wedge between us, becasue every time I try to talk to him about it, I end up blowing up and then feeling guilty about it. It feels like a vicious, never ending cycle. Any suggestions would be wonderful.....

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you everyone for all of the wonderful advice and support. It's nice to know I'm not alone on this. As for my husband, we haven't actually sat down and talked, but I have thrown out little hints here and there to let him know how hard I work every day. He seems to have gotten the hint, and has been quite helpful since I've posted this. One night he actually offered to put the baby to bed for me, and he's actually been asking if he can help or if I need a break when the baby's fussy, and even sometimes when she's not. Things have been a lot less stressful now that he's gotten a clue....

Featured Answers

For some reason, men seem to think that being a stay at home mom is not a job. Like all we do is sit around watching soap operas and eating bon bons! There probably isn't a man on this earth that could handle this job! It's hard enough to be cooped up in the house day after day, taking care of the house, meals and the kids. You definitely need to sit him down and school him on the way it is. Challenge him to try doing what you do for a day or two, and I'll bet he changes his tune! This is his child too, and should not be considered babysitting. Regardless, you need to take the baby to Mom's or someone else that you trust, and do something just for you.

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Sounds like you have lots of advice to consider, so I will make mine brief. Praise is the secret to life. When was the last time you said: "I really appreciate all you are doing to work for our family. Thanks for paying the bills for us." Or anything that you really love about him. Men want to be respected and appreciated for all they are trying to do. Most feel a wee bit awkward with a new baby, but some are naturals. I would fix him a nice dinner and then just calmly ask him if you could schedule a time for yourself, to grocery shop, to meet a friend for lunch. But the secret to being loved is to show a man the respect he craves, something our society has totally lost. We are into demeaning one another and countless put downs. Don't go there. Keep your marriage healthy and happy. You'll never regret working on this relationship and it does take work. If you have a Bible, please look up Ephesians 5 and read the chapter. You know when all else fails, read the directions. God's directions for marriage work everytime.
God Bless you,
M. J.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a stage, so don't worry. Every new mother has certain expectations about their husbands and they are just not how it is in the real world. Here's the thing. The guys will never understand that we really do keep busy most of the day with the kids when we are a stay at home mom. Now, I honestly feel that the house and the kids are my "job" since I don't work outside the home, so I don't have my husband give baths, make dinners, things like that. This is something that took me a long time to come to realize though. It's just easier to look at it this way because it doesn't make it seem so upsetting. The thing I believe about men is that they simply don't know how to help. They don't have that thinking when it comes to kids on what needs to be done and what the baby may need or want. If the baby's crying, they have no idea why and they don't know what to do to make them stop. If you tell your husband specifically what to do, I'm sure he would probably do it for you. Try not to expect him to offer help though, because he just doesn't know what to offer as help. Plus, during the first year of a child's life, a lot of fathers don't seem to be involved with them. Well, we as mothers can sit and hold a baby and be totally content for long periods of time. A man is normally not that way though. They will hold the baby for you and then think "okay, now what?" The baby doesn't play, so that's out, it can't talk, so conversations are out, so what are they supposed to do with it now that they have it? That's what a lot of men's problem is. So, that first year is the hardest for new mothers. They want help and their husbands aren't offering any. If I want my husband to do something, I've learned that I just have to ask. If I wait for him to do things that, in my opinion, are just obvious things, then I'm setting myself up to get pissed off at him, and the truth of the matter is that he didn't even do anything for me to get mad at, he just simply doesn't see the things like we do. So, try to cut him some slack, it will be so much better for both of you. If you need a diaper or bottle or whatever it may be, just ask him. If you're in the middle of changing the baby and he spits up, don't expect him to get you something...ask for it. He probably won't get you anything because he won't know what you need. They just aren't built like women when it comes to kids. Hang in there because it DOES get better. For now, just enjoy that first year or two because once it's gone, it's gone and if you didn't enjoy it as much as possible, you'll feel like you missed out on it because you were frustrated most of the time. It's what happened to me with my first child.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.,
My name is N. and I do understand what you are going through. I feel that my husband is the same way. I am at home all day, with no child but we get my stepdaughter on the weekends. Let me tell you. I get so frustrated almost EVERY weekend because my husband is "tired" and "its his only time for rest" but who is the one that is being a parent to Grace,4.
It is really hard and I tell him that on the weekends that we have to do activities that consist of all 3 of us, not just me and Grace. He use to get irritated when I brought it up but now he seems to look forward to it. I also do understand about the chores around the house. That is something that really makes me feel unappreciated when I ask him to do the simplest things he starts to say, "I worked all day and you are here at home." I just get tired. I know it sounds bad but there are times I just don't clean on purpose and then he'll start doing it himself. I just sit back.lol. I do love my husband but I also dont think they will eber get it. I would suggest that one day that he isn't working to just get dressed and take an hour to get out and before you go put your daughter in his arms and say I'll see you in an hour!

My husband and I went through the same thing. I too felt guilty. Finally after me blowing up for the millionth (it seems) time. I told him that either he helped me. . . or I would go somewhere where I could get help. (I have twins) but twins or not, you need a break. Hire a babysitter or ask a friend (they will understand esp if they have kids. . .and probably feel great that you were comfortable enough to ask). . .and give yourself a night out. Go get a pedicure, go out to dinner with a friend, etc. even if it is only for an hour or so. Leave him at home by himself. It is such a big chore for him then let someone else do it. I did this and my husband was so offended that I took our kids to someone else to watch when he was home. I explained the being home all day with them etc and I needed a break so I found someone who I thought WANTED to watch the kids and took my much needed break. He was so worried that others would think he was a bad dad that he has started offering to watch the kids when I want to go get a pedi. etc.
He is getting better. . . but he will never OFFER. I thought that too. You have to ask and TRY to look past the "it being such a chore" attitude. It is a chore!!! but you deserve a break too! He is the father and is VERY able to watch a 2 mo. old little girl. Plus, now is the time you need to establish daddy time. Sometimes they need a little prodding. He will get better as she gets older and more playful. Daddy's sometimes don't know what to do with something that doesn't know how to give back to them. Have faith that it will get better.
If you want to get together. I live in Westfield, I have 5 mo old twins, boy/girl. I am at home all day with my kids too, but work 2 nights a week at Carmel St. Vincent as Respiratory Therapist. Always looking for more friends to hang out with.
you can e-mail me at ____@____.com.

Men will be men LOL.. My husband is still yet to help me and my son is 4.. LOL.. I stay at home so he acts like because he works all day and i stay at home i have it good, just let ur hubby know that u need the help desperately and that u are very frustrated and tired and hopefully hed understand..

I have been there too. Well, Im still there actually. My husband went along with his normal day to day things and basically left me to do all of the baby care. iT is extremely frusterating, I know. My son is 9 months and Im expecting another in April and things still havent changed. So unfortuanalty we are separated. I dont want that to happen to you. My problem is that I didnt say anything and eventually I just blew up. The only thing I suggest is voicing your opinion.Yes, tell him you need time away from your house. Don't sugar coat things. Being a Mom is the hardest job Ive ever had. Maybe you both can take a parenting class together.I dont know if it would help, I just am trying to give you ideas. Hang in there sister, thngs will get better...until your baby starts getting teeth. I will keep you in my thoughts. God bless.

I KNOW HOW U FEEL. My husband works and I have stayed home for 18 months (and need to go back to work now.) and my husband has done that since the beginning when I even ask him to change a diaper, give a bath, etc. he says "I did it last time it is your turn!" or "can't I just come home and relax!" I didn't know as parents we had to take turns (and besides I ALWAYS change the diapers and give the baths so where does he get off!) I just want to scream, "You at least get an 8 hour break from us I would at least like 5 minutes!" I love our son and NEVER want him to feel unwanted so I try not to argue with him, but I suffered from Anxiety really bad after my c-section(I went into anaphylactic shock and almost died) and even then I had no escape. It was crying, holding, diaper changes, and not much sleep all day every day along with dealing with my mental status (for 7 months without treatment) and I had NO out. They just DON'T understand that as much as we love our babies and them, we still need our time at least every once in a while.

My husband wanted to be involved with our daughter when she was born, just didn't really know how. Holding her, changing her, bathing her, didn't feel natural to him. It took him time to adjust. One evening I went out for some "me" time (I believe it was a Mother's night out with a local mommy group). It was difficult leaving my daughter behind with him knowing that he was still uncomfortable. It was the best thing that I could have done though. He had to call his dad for advise because Jordan wouldn't stop crying. He then began to realize what I went through day in and day out. He was finally the one responsible for figuring out if Jordan was wet, hungry, tired etc.

My first suggestion is definately find a local "mommy" group for support. It's great at this time in your life to make friends that you have something in common with. You also need to make time for yourself. Let your husband know that you're going out and he's responsible for the little one. Give him instructions you would give to a sitter (feeding time, bed time etc.) then leave things up to him. When you return, compliment him on whatever you can to compliment him on. Whatever you do, don't berate him for the things you feel he did incorrectly. Soon, he should start feeling more confident and sure of his parenting skills.

First,I want to say you are doing the best thing for your little girl by being home with her! Second, know that the fussiness will pass. Some days get REALLY long, but just remember in a few more months she will be past that super needy stage.

As for your husband, stop asking him or waiting for him to offer. Just delegate.

Try this and see if it works--
1.When he comes home from work, greet him with a big hug. Ask him how his day was, all that good stuff.

2.After he's been had a chance to get comfortable, hand your daughter to him and say,(pleasantly, of course) "Honey, I haven't had a shower all day, so I'm going to go take one. I'll be done in an hour."

3.Go take a shower. in an hour, go get your daughter from him.

4. Say, "I feel so refreshed now! Thanks babe, I really appreciate your help" (not sarcastically, really mean it)

5.THE MOST IMPORTANT THING--Do not rescue him or tell him he has to do something a certain way. If you leave him alone he'll figure it out!

When it comes to little babies, most men just need practice. Its important for us mommies to help them "practice" without butting in, even when it is so hard not too!

Also, there will be no more need to argue or talk about it--just simply tell him what you need-- I need 10 min. or I need 30 min.

At first, I would make the time 1 hour or less, until he gets comfortable by himself.

I think this method will keep you from dwelling on his lack of initiative (which is frustrating, I know) and also give you some much needed mommy time! "You can catch a fly better with honey than you can vinegar" :-)

Tell him everything you've told and then remind him you are BOTH parents. It's time for him to grow up and actually BE a father to your child. If his "freedom" doesn't switch gears, it will eventually tear you two apart, I guarantee that. You can be parents and enjoy free time too. Communicate!!

HI S.,

I know how you feel. My daughter is now 4 months old, when she was that age I felt the same way!! I was doing everything. I was with her all day at home plus taking care of her at all the night feedings! Let me tell you I know how tired you are now!!! I got to the point I was not sleeping at night because I was listening to the monitor making sure that she was ok! My husband helped out when he could. I tried talking with him but it always ended up in an arguement! So when she was 3 months he started to notice that i was very tired. SO he took over weekends taking care of her. He would get up with her at nights!! Then later on he would take one night during the week as well so I can get some sleep. Past 2 weeks she has been sleeping through the night!! I hate to admit it but I miss getting up with her and having that special bonding time at night with her. SO I guess what I' trying to say though the rambling that try talking with him and suggest him taking a night to help out! During the weekend have him take care of her for an afternoon so you can have some alone time!! If you need someone to talk to my email is ____@____.com!! Everything will work out!!

K.

"mommy to Michaela 06-13-06"

Tell him he needs to start helping out!! Maybe if you tell him exactly what he needds to do it won't be such a big deal. And working is NOT an excuse! You're working just as hard and even harder athome with the baby! My husband works, on average, 50 hours a week ans swing shift. Since out first child, 20 months ago, we've worked in shifts at night. At first we could get up ever other feeding, but then we realized that was dumb and neither one of us was getting sleep, so now, when he's not on Midnights, we each take every other night, so one of us at least gets sleep even if it is every other night! It's really slowed down a lot because my son is 4 1/2 months now and is sleeping through the nights on occasion, but it really works for us.
I know I have a wonderful husband, and he says he doesn't understand why some dads don't help, but you should really suggest it because it's really worked. If he whines...tough!

S.,

You are not alone. My husband helps out a little, but he thinks that since he works two jobs that I should be able to work my full-time job, clean the house, take care of our son (Derek is 6 months old and has cystic fibrosis), and cook supper. The only thing I can tell you is to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. He might be a little jealous of the new baby taking so much of your time that he is starting to resent the baby like you are starting to resent him. Plan one night a week to spend time just the two of you. As for meeting people, I am in the same boat. I don't know many people here and all my family lives 3 hours away. I would love to meet some other moms with young children too.

J.

The best way to deal with this is to let him know how you feel without sounding accusatory. If you're afraid of bringing it up because you feel your emotions will get the best of you, maybe leave this page up on the computer for him to find. ;)

I think most guys, especially new fathers, don't realize how much work it is being at home with the baby all day. They think you get to sit down and watch soaps or Dr. Phil, lounging on the couch with a quiet baby attached to your hip/breast. One way to relate to him how you feel is to talk about staying at home with Evelyn like it's a job. Tell him "Look, I just pulled a 12 hour shift with this kid. You may have been at work for 8 hours, but then you came home and got to relax and read and play your games while I continued to take care of her. It's time for a shift change."

Make up a father bonding time for him and his daughter. Maybe have him give her her bath and read a book and get her ready for bed at night while you can catch up on some work around the house or go in another room sit back and read a book or take a relaxing bath yourself. If he doesn't want to participate. Don't take a bath for a day or two, get nice and smelly and stay next to him all night! He'll be happy to take her so you can clean up! lol Maybe even have him watch her so you can go grocery shopping or something. Also since you just had her about. You may even talk to your doctor. Because the baby blues "post partum" thing can also be what is making you blow up as you say. It was a couple months after my twins were born when I was becoming overly emotional. Doc gave me some Zoloft and it was amazing how much calmer and more focused I was.

Boy do I ever understand!!!! I'm 26 with a 19 month old little girl,just moved to Louisville (I know nobody here!), and have a husband in Law school. I thought throughout the pregnancy and birth of our child he would grow up...hasen't happend. I can't give you any good advice but I can offer support. My husband and I go around and around about balancing child care, household chores, and time together. The one thing that has helped a little is designated nights that we put the baby to bed. We have a schedual. When my husband puts himself and his need first and I call him out on it. If I've been at home with the baby all day and he comes home from class and sits down to play X-box, I put the baby in his care and take a shower or run to the grocery. I don't give him an option-it's his child too. We have also schedualed days that I have "off". I spend half the day however I want. The days are on the calander so that's it. No changes, no cop-outs. I realized I had to take some action! I spent the first year of her life at home frustrated, depressed, and resentful of my husband. My child knew it too! Sit down with your husband and tell him his actions are unacceptable. You can't do it alone! You shouldn't have to! I don't know if this helped at all but I do understand. Email me any time. ____@____.com

Sometimes churches provide 'free' couseling if that is an option for you. Otherwise you may qualify for counseling via health insurance.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! That is the only advice I wanted to hear from anyone when I was in that situation! I am going to start out a little bad, but please stick with me...you are emotional and hormonal...you just had a baby, it is normal. You shouldn't apologize for that, it is just the way it is. I have two little girls that are almost exactly a year apart and it is very hard. I also struggled with a serious bout of post partum depression (that I denied up and down). My husband is in the PhD program for Chemistry and is expected to put in atleast 50 hours a week in research on top of his classes which leaves very little time for me and the girls. I tried to be super mom for a little while and when I finally did break down he tried to help (he thought he was helping). He thought entertaining the kids while I made supper was my down time. I could have screamed!!!! One day I did...and now we have worked through most of the kinks and came up with a schedule. I work out either in the morning before he goes to work or after he comes home. When he is home for lunch we eat together without the tv or anything on. He goes fishing on Sat with his buddy, we go to church together on Sunday, and we have time for me, him, and us as a family. It used to make me mad that you have to "schedule" time for yourself, but really if you don't do it, nobody will! I am a really emotional person and before I started an emotional conversation I just tell hime ahead of time that I am going to cry and then just finish talking....he got used to it. I hope it helps. I am willing to bet most of it will get better with time and a lot of practice! Take care of yourself...literally!

For some reason, men seem to think that being a stay at home mom is not a job. Like all we do is sit around watching soap operas and eating bon bons! There probably isn't a man on this earth that could handle this job! It's hard enough to be cooped up in the house day after day, taking care of the house, meals and the kids. You definitely need to sit him down and school him on the way it is. Challenge him to try doing what you do for a day or two, and I'll bet he changes his tune! This is his child too, and should not be considered babysitting. Regardless, you need to take the baby to Mom's or someone else that you trust, and do something just for you.

Hi S.,

I think we have all been there at one time or another. This is what I suggest...it will probably be hard but please try it.

Take a Saturday or Sunday after everyone has gotten up and fed and dressed, tell your husband he is on duty because you have to get some "ME" time. I know this sound hard but you have to do it. Maybe he doesn't help for fear of being critized about doing things your way. Let him handle it ... you take a long lesuirely shopping day (or whatever you like to do but haven't had time), make it at least 4-5 hours. He will have time to get through at least one feeding, some diaper changing and maybe a little fussiness, but that is what he needs to know how to interact with his daughter.

He may be frustrated when you get back, but then sit down and talk about it. He may even decide it was kind of fun.

Good Luck.
Deb

S.,
First of all don't feel guilty for blowing up at him. From the sounds of it he needs it more often. If you wanted to be a single mom you wouldn't have married him and he needs to realize this. It's quite clear you could do it on your own and do a good job of it. He needs to start realizing that you need a little time for yourself and he needs to stand up and be a father. Having a 2 mo. old is stressful enough without adding more to it. If it takes it tell him you are going to get help for the 2 of you. It sounds like he is still living pre-baby and needs to stop. It doesn't help not having family close to you either. Since you are a SAHM why not go to your family's for a little vacation with little Evie? I'm sure everyone would be thrilled to see the both of you and you could get a little mommy time. I know when my girls were babies if I needed some time for me I always went to my family because my ex was like that. At the time my mom and dad lived 3 1/2 hours away but I knew I could go to them if I needed it. I also lived in a small town where my bio fathers family lived and they were thrilled to have me and the girls for visits. Heck I practically lived at my Aunt Vic's house! lol
Just a little note Evie was born on the same day as my youngest only 8 yrs. later! Keep your head up and it will all work out for you.

He made her too. Talk to your husband through writing. I often have had the same feelings and try to speak to my husband. Then it blows up and we argue or don't speak at all. The kids always sense the tension. So I try to find a little time when something is bothering me and write it down. He tends to ponder things and then we end up discussing it quietly. Seems to work for us.

I'm actually in the same boat. It wasn't until a major breakdown (and many talks before that from 2months-5months old) that he realized I'm going to freak out. I told him that I'm not happy. We don't cuddle, kiss like we mean it, act like we love each other, and to top that off, he doesn't help with our son. When he tries to tell me he has a JOB.. I laugh. Yes, he has a job. He also sleeps at least 8 hours at night, doesn't change poopy diapers or listen to a baby cry off and on all day. He showers in the morning and at night, watches his tv and goes to bed. He has not once gotten up with our son at night. Soo... like a previous poster said, I'm on the verge of seperation if he does not step up. Of course there are other issues here, but not helping me and complaining when I ask him to for an hour, not cool. He was going to watch him for a few hours (most he's ever done) yesterday... haha. He just didn't come home from running his errands until my son was at my parnets house for the night. Nice. Good luck. My son is 5 months, and though he doesn't really help feed, change, or bathe my son, he does play with him between naps so I can run to the store if he's home. My husband is a trucker and gone during the days, and sometimes nights. Hang in there, and know we're always here!

If you are having a hard time communicating with him about it without making it into an argument try writing him a letter. That way you can express your feeling and he won't feel like he is being attacked or need to get defensive. You can even mention in the letter that you need him to be your hero by helping out more.

When writing the letter, try reading it from his point of view, so you can try to anticipate any feelings he might have when reading it, so the discussion that you have after he reads it does not turn into an argument too.

Good Luck!

Okay, here it is very a single dad's perspective. He hasn't got a clue, because he did not have the baby. I know, I did the same thing and I am single to show for it. My ex and I adopted, however I did the same thing, went on my merry way as if nothing had changed. But it did! My advice you need to tell him...hints will just not do. Men are all the same...we want to fix things. Give a task and we will do our best to complete it, fix it, etc. Giving hints gets us confused...goes back to that question of "does these pants make me look fat?" We think in black and white. Gray gets us frustrated. I am sure he has made the mistake I did in thinking why can't you get this baby under control, you spend the whole day with her...it's not like you have to work or anything! What a myth that is! Since becoming a single parent, I now have the uptmost respect for parents of all kinds! The hardest job in the world is raising children. Of course it is also the most rewarding job, for if it wasn't there would be no human race. From reading the reponses you have gotten alot of good advice. My advice to you is you need to sit him down and tell him exactly what help you want from him. Call it a division of labor contract. Again if you give men things laid out we will strive to plan and execute successfully. My ex states now she drops hints all the time and I never paid attention. I asked way she did not come out and say what she wanted...her response was I should have gotten her hints! And unless your husband can read your mind...the same thing is happening with him. Good Luck!

Leaving you child with their own father for 1/2 hour to an hour will get you a small amount of respect that you deserve. I left my husband alone with our twin boys when they were infants. He told me when I got home that he has a new respect for me and what I do during the day when he is at work. And the time by yourself now and then will be really good for you.

Don't feel bad about blowing up at your husband about this. Obviously "talking" to him is not working. I have the same problem at my house. No one seems to listen until I raise my voice or get really upset. So now it seems that when I need one of the kids or dh attention I tend to raise my voice. It is exhausting for me, but then so is having to repeat myself over and over again when I am not yelling.
G.

HI. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.I HAVE 4 KIDS AND HUBBY NEVER HELP OUT WITH ANY NIGHT FEEDING EVEN IF I WAS FORMULA. I KNOW IT IS HARD, BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT.
I WAS SO STRESSED OUT WITH MY FIRST ON THAT I WAS ACTUALLY DIAGONSED WITH POST PARTUM DEPRESSION. THAT ONLY MADE THINGS WORSE. WHEN I WAS FINALLY ON MEDS IT WAS EASIER DEALING WITH THINGS.
EVEN AFTER ALMOST 11 YEARS MY DEAR HUBBY STILL LACKS IN THE HELP FIELD. HE TAKES TIME OUT FOR HIM ALL THE TIME. GRANT IT HE DOES WORK ALL DAY( A CONSTRUCTION WORKER) SO YES HE IS TIRED, BUT SO AM I. I HAVE TOLD HIM, HE MAY BE PHYSICALLY TIRED, BUT I AM EMOTIONALLY TIRED. YOU ARE MORE THEN LIKELY FEELING THE SAME THING. A GUY JUST DOESN'T REALIZE WHAT OUR DAYS CONSIST OF. THEY THINK IT IS SOAPS AND BON BON, BUT IF THEY WOULD JUST WATCH US, THEY WOULD BE TIRED.
LIKE I SAID TO THIS DAY VERY SELDOMLY DO I EVEN GET TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING ALONE. MY CHILDERN'S AGES ARE ALMOST 11,8,6,AND 1 SO I AM ON THE GO CONSTANTLY.
IF NOTHING ELSE REMEMBER A GUY ISN'T WIRED LIKE A MOM. THEY NEVER GROW UP TO TAKE RESPONSABILTY FOR RAISING THE CHILDERN. IF MADE TO DO SO THEY WOULD FAIL. MY HUBBY RIDES HIS 4 WHEELER IN THE EVENING, OR EVEN HE SITS AROUND HERE, HE IS IN HIS OWN LITTLE WORLD. OK MAYBE HE IS NOT ALWAYS THAT BAD. HE DOES HELP SELDOMLY WITH COOKING, EVERY NOW AND THEN PUTTING THE YEAR OLD TO BED(USUALLY WHEN HE WANTS TO GO TO BED), AND SOMETIMES TAKING SON WITH HIM, BUT STILL I COULD USE SOME TIME FOR MYSELF.
I ALSO HAVE FOUND THAT THE MORE I SAY TO HIM ABOUT HELPING OUT, THE LESS HE DOES. CATCH HIM SITTING AROUND PLAYING THOSE GAMES, OR WATCHING THE POOP TUBE WHILE THE BABY IS ASLEEP, TELL HIM YOU ARE RUNNING TO THE STORE, LEAVE THE "SLEEPING" BABY AND HAVE SOME YOU TIME SINCE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY TAG-A-LONGS. THEN WHILE YOU ARE GONE HOPE THE BABY WAKES UP AND GIVES HIM SOME OF IT! JUST A THOUGHT.
ALSO TALK TO THE GYN BECAUSE YOU ALSO MAY GOING THRU PPD.
SINCE WE SHARE THE SAME BOAT, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME. SOMETIMES TALKING TO SOMEBODY DEALING WITH THE SAME ISSUES HELP. YOU CAN VENT TO ONE ANOTHER. ____@____.com
THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR. MOMS HELPING MOMS.
GOOD LUCK AND THINGS WILL GET EASIER.

S.,
My son was born on August 10th! Congradulations! I am married to a man who has had children before and I still get frustrated with him. What I know is that YOU HAVE TO ASK them to do whatever you need. They are not like women and will not just jump up and help. Hopefully, your husband will help if you ask, like mine does (not that he deserves an award or anything but he does help when I ask). I just walk over and hand him the baby whether he is on the computer playing a game or not or watching TV or not or whatever and say, "I need to take a shower" or "I need a short break" or "He needs changed" and I walk away. I am still out on maternity leave so I am home all day which is why I need a break. I know he works hard and he knows that I know that, but he has a son now who deserves some attention from his father too. If you ask for help and he rolls his eyes or does whatever he does that makes you say, "he acts like it is a big chore" -- IGNORE IT and just smile and say thank you or when you take the baby back, tell him how much you appreciate his help -- sounds pathetic I know, but men like praise and they are like little boys in big bodies -- try it....it may help and if not, just ignore his response and try to talk to him at some point later -- cause if you do it at the time after a long day home with the baby, it'll turn out to be a fight which won't solve anything. I just turned 40 (don't feel like 40, but anyway) and I have snapped at my husband and I have also talked to him. I empathize with him, "I know you work all day, but so do I (even though I'm home)" and expressed how I felt. Good luck!

Well i read everything everyone had to say before responding. I have had a very similar experience. My son is now 3 but when he was first born my fiance was doing the job to support the home. He would come home and lounge, watch tv, eat snacks, get on the computer and leave me with everything the dishes, washing, baby, trash the works. I finally got fed up and told him straight. Look im going back to work. So you better find time now to get your butt in gear and be a daddy. He thought i was kidding of course. So i got dressed up and went out job hunting on his days off. When I got back the first couple of days he was just dumbfounded. I didnt realize.... How do you do all this. Loads of questions. So i told him you want to keep working and lounging around them im going back to work and you can have half the baby care. Once he really saw what its like to try to be super mom/dad he reassessed his priorities. He would come home from work and get dishes done trash out and help me clean up the house. Then take care of our son while I got a hot bath and some me time. Then we would both put our son to bed and then spend time together. It made a huge difference. I set alot of boundaries with him and explained if you want another child you will have to step up. Our son is now 3 and granted things still are not perfect but he helps and he spends time with our son and we have our family out days and cleaning days and now we are expecting our daughter this dec. I have roughtly 5 weeks left or so till my c-section. He has learned to control his spending, help around the house and even believe it or not be a real daddy. it does take time but when a man steps into a mothers shoes he really gets a deeper respect for it. Especially if he is one that thinks he knows all and then find out the hard way mom is not home now what do i do......you walk in like a breath of fresh air and he breaths a sigh of relief. He also had a problem with our sone being fussy and used to tell me to take him out of the room he was bothering him. I had to explain to him children only fuss for a reason and maybe if he took some stress off mommy once in a while baby wouldnt be as fussy. Kids pick up on this kind of thing the better you guys are towards each other the better things will get. He really needs to see how it feels. I know a friend that told her hubby ok hun you make hmmmmm $$$ per hour. then time and a half for over time.
Well lets see i have done this many hourse this week for free and you are complaining about what you did. I see you owe ME $$$ for the childcare. HE just dropped his jaw. Motherhood is one heck of a full time job that the states never recognise. Do not apologise to your hubby just sit him down and set him straight and DO NOT yell. If you can have a respectful conversation your will get more done.
Good Luck

I understand what your going thur my exhusban was the same way when we had are frist daughter . now 16 . i stayed at home all day and he worked . he would never get up in the middle of the night or any time realy . he was three years older then me so there would be nights he wouldn't come home from work till real late at night and wouldn't have bothered to have called or anything. hed come home all drunk and want to have sex and got mad when i was in the mood to have sex with him he thought i should give it to him on command . i had to just bite the big one cause he never helped till are seconed daughter came along . she had collic and i couldn't figer out how to make her happy. so i would make him gett up with her . i would push him out of bed if she started crying and i had enough . i would tell him it was his turn and if he moond or told me no i would just put my feet on him and push him right out of bed then sad wail you are up take care of the baby . it sound mean but it worked . a calicy baby can drive you in sane trust me i wanted to check my self in at the robert young center. lol
so just tell him your work may not be out of the house like his is but you still have all the stresses he had just in alittle differt way . but there still the same as fare as stress is concerned if it don't work the next time the baby crys in the middle of the night push his butt right out of bed he will get the hint hopfuly . good luck sweettie you will need it. just hang in there it does get easyer.

save your shopping trips for when he's home and tell him it's easier if you don't take the baby. get your keys and give him a kiss and the baby a kiss and go. thats how it worked in our house and my son is 9 now and his dad is still here. they are the best of friends. there will be other times too. you have to be strong. i know of a couple of times when my husband has felt left out i think curtis was 5-6 so you have to look at the bigger pic.it all works out in the end today is only one day of your life with him. don't swet the little stuff cause it don't let you see bigger thinks.

YOu have to make time for yourself. If he won't help then you need to tell him that you need some time for yourself also. Take advantage of times when the baby is sleeping to do some stuff for yourself. You could also look into mother's day out once or twice a week.

Have you asked your husband for help? That is... when you aren't really frustrated or ready to explode from exhaustion & feeling overwhelmed. I know I resented what I saw as my whole life being turned upside down & my husband's life going on unaffected when we had our first. I really wanted him to see how much I wanted his help & was upset when he didn't. It wasn't until I calmly, nonthreateningly voiced how alone I was feeling that he started to pitch in more.

My sister lives in Azusa, CA now. She just had a little girl in July. It is so hard with her being so far away. I would imagine it would be really hard for you to have all of your family across the country right now.

Wow, this sounds like how it was in my house when my son was little.
This I can say, it does get better - being a father becomes more natural to them...
Now - my hubby was a selfish jerk. I had PPD, although I didn't admit it. I never understood why I was sick.
I did stay home for 6 months with my son and my husband actually told me that he was jealous that I was on vacation for so long. WHAT???
Finally - the only thing that worked - I forced him to do it. I would get myself cleaned up, hand him the kid and tell him I was going to be gone, and would be back when I felt better about things. I usually went to the library, or just window shopped at a craft store. But I had to actually leave the house to get that 'me' time.
He did get better when my son started doing more, interacting and such.
My son is now 4 and they are the best of pals.
Good luck - I hope you find a way that works for you.

You know I saw this with all of my siblings. All of their spouses seemed to think cause they worked it was their wifes job to take care of the kids. Not theirs. They couldn't seem to comprehend they worked 8 hours a day and come home and lounge and the poor wife works 24 hours a day with no 15 or 30 min breaks even. Sadly my sisters would scream their lungs out and they still didn't understand. They were all raised with the archaic notion that the children are the womans job and he just needs to make the money. All you can really do is state your case and use the typical method to not cause fighting...Say I feel....etc...don't say you don't. If you make it about you people get less confrontational. So use all first person. That is the best i can suggest. I hope he hears your cries for help! Keep trying to make him understand how you feel. That is all you can do.

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