Frustrated with My 11 Yr Old Son

Hi M.,
Try buying wet wipes the are easy to use and they are flushable to you could also tell him that he could get an infection from not wiping his bottom and he will get really sore and chapped . Tell him the wet wipes are there for him and he will get a reward if he can go a week using the wipes and not messing up his clothes, let him pick something fun he want to do if he does use them.. I have two boys and I know they can be real nasty one is 13 the other is 14, so don't think it is something you have done wrong or you missed it's a boy thing.. GOOD LUCK!!!

what if you get him those wet wipes? Or some brown boxers :). Maybe he should learn how to do the laundry. A few weeks of laundry may make him work a little harder at staying clean.

Dear Frustrated,

My best friend and I have just finished a year of "The Basics" with our children (2 boys and 3 girls). She is an ER doc and I formerly worked in international development. My husband is an attorney and you would think that between the three of us we could convince the kids of the importance of proper wiping...the solution came from my sister who told us to stop convincing and just meet the child where they are which is go to the store and by a box of depends and let him/her know that since proper wiping and also peeing in the appropriate place and the appropriate time seems to be a problem and since we can not afford to contine to purchase new boxers or panties we will supply them with depends. We kept a straight face and demonstrated the useful of the product and calmly let them know that we would not fight their refusal to implement a "basic" but we would also not put up with something we know to be abnormal and downright stinky/dirty so WEAR AN ADULT DIAPER BEFORE YOUR TIME!!! Hopes this helps.

First, please stop charging him money and definitely do not watch him while he uses the bathroom. How humiliating. Second, try the wipes thing. Third, teach him to do his own laundry. He is old enough and it's a skill he will need anyway.

Wet wipes are good, but after years of seeing this with men in general and now my sons I have come to the reluctant conclusion that men are more prone to liquid farting and leakage than women are. It is gross but I fear it is simply a man thing.

Good Morning M.,
I dont cant say that i am experiencing this issue with my son. but growing up my experienced it with my brother.
like yourself she got sick and tired of cleaning poop.
so she made him wash each pair of poopy drawers on his hands. she even went in his room and replaced his underwear with pampers.
he immediately got the point and stop pooping in his underwear because he didnt want to be known as a pamper wearing 10 yr old.
good luck

I actually asked my 16 year old son about this and he suggested that your son do his own laundry. Perhaps when he sees the kind of mess he's making (and has to deal with it himself), he'll change his behavior.

maybe try having some wet wipes for him to wipe with. also, if he's a bit dehydrated it might be more difficult to wipe--try giving him more fluids if so! :) J..

M.,

Relax. The more you bring attention to this the bigger the problem will be. Your son would never have a BM and not wipe himself. Sometimes, if you pass gas when the rectum has stool in it, it can cause some slight leakage. The force of the gas causes stool marks on the underware. As an adult, it sometimes happens to me. So, I use bleech and keep my panties clean.
Your son will not come to you as he gets older and has REAL problems if you don't get off his back over this type of thing. He's going to hide things from you because you yell at him, charge him $1 to clean his underpants, and watch him wipe at the age of 11.
If he had a mole that bled sometimes and got his underware dirty, would you be as upset?
Meg, Pray to God that this is the worse problem you'll have with him.
So, buy him white brief style underware and you a bottle of bleech. Wash the underware first. Then wash again with bleech. They will be as clean and white as new.
Good luck. Relax. And enjoy that boy of yours. Before you know it, he will be married and you'll wish you had spent more time smiling at him and not yelling.

I think it is a "boy" thing...he may not outgrow it. You may not be able to fix it no matter how many doctors you visit. You can suggest the he use a new piece of toilet paper and wipe again and again until it comes away clean. I've been married twice and both husbands left "brown spots" more days than not. Ditto with many of the young fellows that have lived in my home. Why? I do not know...none of the girls ever seem to have this problem.

But please don't be like the Italian mom who washed and powdered her son's behind after every trip to the bathroom even when he was a teen. It kind of warped something inside of the young man and he wasn't right emotionally after that.

Much love in Him, S. S.

Hi M.,

I'm not sure this is really any help but I have the same problem with my 5 year old... and I still wipe his butt... with flushable wipes!! (I also have the same problem with my husband and he's 35!) I know this may sound gross but it could be happening when he passes gas too. My advice would be to make him use flushable wipes and see if that makes any difference.

Good luck!

K.

Hi M.- What I have read in books is that this is often related to constipation issues. When they have track marks, it is because they are holding it in for whatever the reason and it comes out unexpectedly as marks on the underwear. I would look at his fiber intake and maybe bulk him up a bit to see if that helps. I have found with my daughter, although she is a bit younger, if she is constipated, she will have the track streaks. Either that or someone didn't wipe her butt.

Call your pediatrician and ask him if your son could have enucapresis. (I think that's how it's spelled) My brother had this same problem growing up. He was around 12 or so when it finally stopped. But he had a lot of anxiety growing up and I think this contributed to some of it. Good luck.

Hi, M., it's possible he cannot help it. Google the term "encopresis", or "constipation". The site askdrsears.com has an excellent article on encopresis and how to treat it. Check it out and see if the symptoms sound like what your son is going through. Things to know: it's not laziness, willfulness, or that he just doesn't care. It's a medical condition. Not all doctors are well-versed in it, however, so keep looking if your pediatrician has never heard of it. My son had it too, and with time and treatment it's all behind us now. Best wishes!

M. ~
My husband is 57 and still the streak marks. He is not a slob, takes a shower every day, and changes his underwear everyday. It's just one of those things - like vaginal discharge in our underwear. You wouldn't punish your daughter would you? WE often have leaks from our period. It's not something to make your son feel so ashamed about. Just give him some wet wipes to make it a little less harsh on his bottom to wipe clean. But don't be so anal (a pun - ha, ha!). There are more important things in this life than spotless underwear! I'm sure he's a great kid!

I use baby wipes ... i set a box on the back of each toilet

the census seems to be, have him do his own laundry and relax about it....

we find that with our 6.5 y o son he does better with some kind of moist wipe. You might give those a try. Good luck!

M., I am laughing because based on my informal research (and experience as a mom of 2 boys, ages 16 and 9) this is not something that is unique to only your son. For some reason, boys don't seem to wipe properly. My 16 year old is over that, thank God (he also does his own laundry, so only he really knows!) but my 9 year old is still there. But, it has improved with him since I put baby wipes in his bathroom. They aren't the really wet, drippy kind. These have just the right amount of moisture so they don't leave his backside feeling wet and uncomfortable.
Hope that helps!

M., sounds like you've become entrenched in a classic power struggle with your son. Since you've already ruled out any medical / intestinal cause for this problem, I'd suggest that you remove yourself from the situation entirely.

Obviously an 11-year-old is more than capable of wiping himself...but he is also more than capable of doing his own laundry. Treat this like any other mess made by a child that age (when he spills his milk or leaves his toys on the floor, I assume he is expected to clean it up himself). This should be no different. Teach him how to spray, scrub, wash, and dry his own boxers.

Once you do that, this ceases to be a "control issue." Make sure he understands that this is HIS choice -- he can choose to continue be apathetic about his hygience, but only if he's personally willing to deal with the unpleasant consequences. No punishment, no anger, no disappointment, just a practical, logistical consequence. Important life lesson, no?

Above all, please, do stay out of the bathroom. I understand your intention, but that kind of humiliation isn't good for either of you, and may actually exacerbate the situation.

my brother had that problem a couple years again it stopped when we made him do his own laundry

Have you tried using the flushable wet wipes? They can really make a difference.

Hmmmm...I had this same problem with my 8 year old daughter. Fortunately (or unfortunately as the case may be) being a girl she developed a UTI from not being cleaned. The pain and the treatment were not to her liking so she cleaned up her act, so to speak. I do think the wet wipes help. And another full fledged lesson on how to wipe until you see nothing on the tissue.

For a boy, I can imagine it might be challenging seeing as how he probably won't get an infection.

I can think of one thing...my daughter used to avoid her hamper at all cost b/c it smelled so bad. Once she stuffed the panties in there, it was no longer her problem. It reeked, full of undies with poop in them. Put his hamper in his room, or near the head of his bed? Maybe this will remind him how awful the habit is.

I don't know if this will help, but I remember my nephew had a similar issue. His problem was it was quite painful for him to go so he would hold it until he couldn't hold it anymore, which would invariably cause the "streaks" in his pants. He was too embarrased to say anything so no one knew he was in pain. Apparently his anus was small which caused him so much pain when trying to go. He eventually grew out of the problem but I do remember we were all so frustrated with him. I really don't know if this might help but perhaps asking if something hurts about going? The only other thing I can think of is getting some of the adult "wipes"? Maybe using something wet will help clean better?

In our house we have the "make a mess, clean it up" rule. Your son is old enough to do his own laundry, let him. Then don't sweat it. It is easier to let the natural consequences work then it is to force our own.