November 15, 2008,
T.L. asks from Phoenix, AZ on June 01, 2007
Frustrated - Phoenix,AZ
I've been with my husband for just over 6 years (married for a little over 2yrs) and I'm feeling like marrying him was a HUGE mistake- I remember before he proposed telling myself, that if he asked (poped the ?) that the smart thing to do would be to reject the proposal, and that would be the end. Well, obviously I said yes, and a month after the wedding, I became pregnant. My husband has always been controlling- he's mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive at times (mostly when he's stressed) and he always taking it out on me, since I the closest person to him I guess- Anyway- I don't want to be a statistic of being a "single mom", I feel embarrased to even think about divorce, (although he has no problem proposing divorce) and most of all I don't want to deprive my child of having a both his parents-TOGETHER, but I also don't want to be a statistic of a mother murdered by her raging husband- (I don't mean to take it to the extreme, but it happens all the time.) Obviously my husband dosen't take our wedding vows seriously- which hurts because I like to believe that I love him UNCONDITIONALY, as you should with someone you love- He does not- he's got conditions all over the place- "lose weight, I will not stay with a fat woman" "make yourself look good for me" and the such. Its hard for a person to continue to take that in and not start to HATE the person dishing it out.
Is there anybody out there that can RELATE? - please give me your insight.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Well first off- thank you all who have responded and are still sending your advice- this site and its members are VERY therapeutic- I've responded to some of you personally and I've gotten some really good suggestions. Some things that I knew, but didn't want to admit to myself and other things that were/are hard to hear, but have to accept as truth. I don't want to end my marriage for various reasons, and through all the BAD, (and there is A LOT of BAD), there's actually more GOOD, to the point, I many times choose to ignore that he has a problem.
My husband and I are seeking counseling, the appt is in 2weeks and can't come soon enough. I pray that counseling and possibly medication can assist in making our relationship work. But if those options fail, per your nearly unanomous (sp?) suggestions, I will take my baby and leave, and not look back. I now realize, I don't have to be a "single-parent" FOREVER, nor do I have to be divorced FOREVER, (unless I want to) but this just may not be the right man for me or my little monster- I ACCEPT THAT-NOW, and it's because of YOU ALL, thanks again, and this will not be the last of me. Take care.
H.M. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
You need to stop. And go back. And look at your own questions and statements you asked all of us. There is SO much more in there about T.. What about the little boy that looks at the surroundings? Stay, and at five years old that kid will be saying EFF YOU mom, Dad says I don't have to listen to you. He will treat you just like the Dad does, and he will treat his own g/fs and wife the same way later in life.
Last I checked, "Single Mother", and "Divorced" were not a stigmata. You seem like you're more worried about how this will make YOU look. I guarantee that if you split up, people (and later in life YOUR SON) will look at you with respect, not pity. So you need help for a few years til you get on your feet again solid.
Yes, I have been there. I didn't look at myself for over 4 years in the mirror, because I detested myself, and the way I kept taking it. There IS someone out there that will help. Whether it's a parent, or friend. All you have to do is ask.
2 moms found this helpful
W.Y. answers from Santa Fe on June 03, 2007
Not only can I relate, but I can tell you that I was in your shoes 14 years ago when my daughter was 5. It was the scariest thing I ever did. Marriage vows are important, but so is setting an example for your child. I did not want my daughter to grow up seeing me emotionally abused and controlled. You don't want to see your son to grow up to be emotionally abusive and controlling. The same sex parent is the most important role model in your child's life.
I can't say for you to divorce...that's your decision. When I left my ex husband, I meant to just give him a wake up call...but what happened is I felt so much better being away from him, that I didn't want to go back. I had given him the utlimatum of going to counseling or me leaving for good. He wouldn't do counseling, so I left. A part of me was happy he chose not to do counseling.
Just to let you know, divorce was hard and it was hard to be a single parent. I moved far away from my daughter's father, but they have a relationship. It's not the best, but it's better than it would have been if I had stayed because it forced him to be involved in her life more than he was when we were togehter...in a sense, I was a single parent when I was married!
I went back to school and got my degree, met a fabulous guy, got married and now have a 2 year old son. Yes, I have a 19 year old daughter and a two year old son...call me crazy! I don't regret marrying my ex or divorcing him.
You also should realize that if you do all the "conditional" things that he asks of you...he won't change. He'll find more conditions and he will probably do it to your son too. If I were to tell you a direct thing that you can do, I would say find a good counselor for yourself first and then for you as a couple if he will do it. There are schools that let their graduates in Master's programs do counseling in the last semester of their education. They usually have a sliding scale of $1 to $25 dollars an hour...yes one dollar! So if he says it's too expensive, ask him if his marriage is worth a few dollars and some time out of his day. I really feel for you, but I also know that as a woman you have the strength and the ability to make this a better life for you, your son, and your husband if he wants it!
Hope all goes well!
1 mom found this helpful
B.K. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
If you do not mind, I would like to give your email to a friend of mine. She got out of a marriage very similar to yours with her two daughters, and they are doing VERY well on their own. She could empathize and possibly give you some advice.
Two parents are great in the best of circumstances, but do you really want your son to grow up believing that they way your husband treats you is the way you treat women? Or the way you treat someone you 'love'?
And besides, there are SO many other people out there in the world - how do you know there is not a perfectly fit 'step-daddy' out there someplace that can be a GOOD role-model for your son?
The earlier you rectify a mistake, the easier it will be to move in. On you, and your son.
1 mom found this helpful
K.B. answers from Phoenix on June 04, 2007
WOW T. IT SOUNDS LIKE ALOT TO HANDLE FOR YOU, AND STILL BE A HEALTHY, HAPPY MOM. YOU TALK ALOT ABOUT STATISTICS, WHICH I CAN KIND OF AGREE WITH BUT WHEN YOUR BEING ABUSED, AS YOU SAY YOU ARE, YOU HAVE TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE QUALITY OF LIFE YOUR GIVING YOUR SON. I BELIEVE CHILDREN CAN SENSE OUR STRESS AND RESPOND IN A NEGATIVE WAY. YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOUR HEALTH AS WELL! YOU DESERVE TO BE YOURSELF, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! THE RED FLAG WENT UP WHEN YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM EVEN BEFORE HE PROPOSED:( I LEFT AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY 1ST DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD, I WAS ONLY 19 YEARS OLD MY SELF BUT KNEW THAT SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. IT WAS HARD AT FIRST, NO HOME WORKING 2 JOBS STAYING IN BATTERED WOMEN'S SHELTERS, BUT I EVENTUALLY MADE IT!! AND MY (oldest) DAUGHTER COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I FOUND MYSELF, AND A WONDERFUL LOVING MAN WHO EXCEPTS US FOR US!! IT SEEMS LIKE THE ANSWERS ARE THERE BUT YOU ARE SCARED, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE, MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE! IF NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT FOR YOUR SON:) IN THE END YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID! I HOPE THIS HELPS!!
1 mom found this helpful
N. answers from Albuquerque on June 04, 2007
First let me say that I left my first marriage after 7 years. He was mentally and physically abusive and did much of the same things you have listed here. He performed white glove inspections of the house cleaning, restricted my diet because he wanted me skinnier, wouldn’t let me have money so I couldn’t leave, and blamed me for "pushing" him over the edge when he hurt me. I was not in the exact situation that you are in. He beat me when I became pregnant, because he didn't want children.
I now have two beautiful little girls (1 and almost 3yrs), and have been married to a wonderful husband and father for almost five years; a man that does love me unconditionally. You deserve so much better than the situation you are in, and so does your son.
I think it is wonderful that you are such a committed mother and that you obviously love your child and want the best for him, but let me point out something you may not have thought of. No matter how careful you try to be with your "disagreements", your son will eventually know what is going on. Children are extremely perceptible and impressionable. What you seem to want to do is protect your child and give him a stable environment. However, he will see that you and your husband are not that stable. I'm sure you do not want him growing up thinking that it is the norm for moms and dads to disrespect and hurt one another; and you also don't want him to possibly feel the regret of being the reason you endured so much.
Show him that sometimes moms and dads can’t get along, but that you love him and wanted to provide a healthier home for him; one without anger, pain and resentment. I think you will raise a much more emotionally stable child in that type of environment; one that will probably be more capable of true love and respect.
This is my advice only. I hope that you seek some professional and appropriate help, meaning legal advice, and emotional and psychological support. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you can make the decisions to take care of yourself and your son.
1 mom found this helpful
K.L. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
I am not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you that children growing up in a situation like that will always hate their mothers. Even though he is abusive the child will see you as the person who was supposed to leave. It is messed up but children hold their mothers to a higher standard then the fathers. Not only will your child hate you, they will also repeat the pattern they are learning. I have never heard anyone ever say they were happy their parents were still together when they were in an unhealthy relationship. Kids see everything. I was so glad when my mom and dad got a divorce, I finally felt like my life could be "normal". it is not hard to be a single mother I do it, the one who is making you feel you will not make it or that no one will love you is your husband, he has to make you feel this way or you would leave him. Don't get trapped by words, don't let him make you feel his troubles are more important than yours..It is simply not true. You need to be around other women who have been in your situation, they understand. It is easy for people to say leave, but I understand it is hard to do so. Change is always hard and uncomfortable, and it will feel like the world is coming to an end, but belive me when I say it becomes the best thing you have ever done, you will be happy again.
1 mom found this helpful
M.C. answers from Phoenix on June 10, 2007
Good luck with the consuling. I hope that God can help u with your marriage. Best of luck to you.
E.C. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
My name is E. and I am in a similar situation. I am 22yrs old and have been with my husband since Dec. of 2002. We have been married with him since March of 2004. We have a 3yr old and I am 5 months pregnant. I have always known that my husband had a temper and he was very short fuzed but he has been some what good about controlling it..... UNTIL Thursday May 24th. Supposably I yelled at him histarricly and he turned aroung and punched me about 4 or 5 times in my arm. I have a huge bruse on my arm. At the moment I didn't do anything. I spoke with my mom on Friday and didn't tell her anything. She was going tout of town that afternoon and I guess I didn't want to ruin her vacation. Well only 2 poeple knew what happened and everyone told me he was crazy. I finally told my mom on Tuesday but only becuase my friend said that he would tell her if I didn't. Well I told her and she made me realize that my dad use to do the same thing. You know the I'm sorry and I'l never do it again. Well that afternoon I put a police report and he confessed and they arrested him. I spoke with him on Weds when he got out and he agreed to councelling. He is back in the house and we have an appointment.
I guess I just want to let you know that you are not alone but honestly I wonder if I should be with him. What would have happened if I didn't have my back to him. Would he have hit my stomack???? Well I should know better because my dad was abusive as well and I have LOTS of memories of them fighting. I don't want that for my little one's but I guess I have faith that he will change. I also know that he is doing something that my dad never did... he agreed to councelling. I think if your man won't even agree to getting some kind of help then meybee it is a lost cause. I will let you know what happens.
PLEASE e-mail me and let me know what happens and maybee we can help each other. ____@____.com
A.H. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
I honestly believe that when people say they want to stay to together for the kids that it’s not always the best for the kids. If your husband is abusing you in so many ways it is not beneficial for your child to be in that environment. You need to do what is best for you and your child’s safety. Although it may be hard to leave in the long run you could end up with a much happier life. As long as your child knows you love him and left daddy for the right reason I am sure that it will all work out.
S.B. answers from Phoenix on November 15, 2008
Sweetie...I know this is very late...but it just caught my eye. I am not on site very much. I am 52 yrs old...old enough to be your mom I know. I feel like I just read the story of my life. I really do respect you for coming out in the open with this. I, too, felt like you did, and did not have enough back bone in me to do something about it. Had too much pride to ask for help...embarrassed etc.
I finally did at age 50...talk about a relief! I am newly married...and the absolute happiest I have ever been! Kids are grown, and grand kids are here.
If I had seen a site like this yrs ago...I probably would have gotten out sooner. Like Dr. Phil always says "it is better for kids to be from a broken home...than be broken"
I sense you are getting to be a stronger woman every day.
I truly wish you the very best...you deserve it. Remember that kids do not ask to be brought into this world...it is our job to make sure they have a good life. I hope by now your life has turned around. It is the hardest thing u may ever do...but I hope u can do it. ((hugs))
T.W. answers from Phoenix on June 04, 2007
Ok well I only read part of your request, but from what I did read you need to get out of your situation. Any one who is abusive in any way is a danger to you and your baby. There are places you can go if you can't afford to leave. I know from personal experiance. For six years and two kids I lived with someone who was emotionaly abusive and I could see his growing want to hurt me physically and it took him almost killing me to get the hint and leave. Believe me when I tell you, you do not want your child growing up learning that that kind of behaveoir is ok, because it is not. Single mom or not you need to do what is best for your children. What if, god forbid, he hit you and someone outside your home saw it and called CPS and you got your child taken away because it was an unsafe enviroment. I really feel for you and you need to get away for that. Stop making excuses for him(he's stessed, I'm close so he does this to me) and wake up. Don't wait for it to be too late. Please I urge you to get out before you end up in the hospital. I know what your thinking, He would never do that to me or he would never let it go that far, but If he has hit you in the past it will get worse. PLEASE, PLEASE, GET OUT!!
L.R. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
It sounds like you have gotten some great advice already. I just wanted to re-emphasize to you to get out as quick as you can and don't look back!!! You and your son deserve so much more than how you are being treated right now. Don't let yourself believe that this is the best situation for you or your son. He will follow in his dad's footsteps if you keep him in that environment. And who's to say that your husband won't eventually start "taking it out" on your son as well. Being a sinlge mom may be hard, but there are many awesome ladies out there doing every day and surviving. If you aren't already, try to get plugged into a church and into their women's group. You will instantly have a circle of "sisters" who will be there for you to help support you emotionally and spiritually. I will be praying for you! Lynn
E. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
Hopefully, you'll be able to take your little boy away from such a stressful and unhealthy situation and make a new promising life for yourselves. I had a similar experience when my son was about two and a half years old and I finally realized that staying with his father was doing more harm than good. I didn't want my little boy to continue to see the way I was treated. I was losing respect for myself and I knew that my son would begin to see that as well. I had to be strong enough to walk away for myself, but most of all for my son. I did not want his father's issues to pass on. It was more than difficult to be on my own, but more than worth it to see my son smiling every day and know that I did and will continue to do everything I can to make sure I raise him with all the love, courage, compassion and strength that this single parent can give.
My son is 8 and a half now. His father sees him every other weekend and I admit that it can be difficult trying to ensure that my son doesn't pick up any bad habits, but I know that if I continue to set good examples and continue to show love and respect for myself and my son then I've already won half the battle. It will be a battle, but remember that the victory lies in the love and compassion that your son will be able to pass on.
J.B. answers from Albuquerque on June 03, 2007
GET OUT! before your son looses his Mother and learns his fathers behavior. You'd be better off without him and so would your son. I promise. You don't want to have to go to the battered womens shelter in the middle of the night. God bless you and give you strength and knowledge.
K.V. answers from Albuquerque on June 03, 2007
Wow, wasn't expecting that.
Is this a mom venting kind of thing, or are you soliciting advice? The best advice I can give is visit a strong church and look to network with the groups they may provide.
We go to Sagebrush and they have an awesome kids area and tons of classes and small groups. Sure it sounds presumptuous, but in love and kindness --- its the best I can offer.
A.G. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
The joy of your life is going to turn out to be just like the man you're married to if you don't do something. Please look at your son and ask yourself if that's what you want for him-to be someone who hurts the people he's supposed to love and cherish. The embarresment you feel at the thought of becoming a single mom should pale in comparison to the thought of your sone growing up to hurt women. If counseling is not an option, you need to put your son's future first.
D.W. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
I am saddened to hear that you feel that you should love anyone who abuses you emotionally or physically "unconditionally". You are worth much, much more than that and certainly your son deserves to have a good roll model as a father and not just someone to fill the position as "dad". I know that I don't know that whole story and please don't think that I am trying to pass judgement on the desicions that you have made, but please investigate your options and make informed decisions regarding your future. If you are going to stay in your marriage, you and your husband should seek counselling together and seperatly to sork on these issues. If you EVER feel physically threatended to point where you might be "murdered by a raging husband" you MUST leave with your child and seek safety.
I did a search on google "help for abused women, phoenix" and I got several links to online support. Maybe you can try that if you are not ready to talk to someone in person.
Please take care...
L.B. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
You owe it to your child to get out of the relationship at ONCE! Don't think of yourself, or your jerk of a husband, think of your baby for a change.
L.H. answers from Phoenix on February 18, 2008
Well I'm no phycologist, but I do see what I can do 2 U.
1) um idk
2) counsiling is a good idea
3) see if you can go to a police dept. and ask them what has "crossed the line.
my uncles a police officer and his dept is somewhere along the lines of phoenix and scottsdale, that prbably doeznt help but if u want it just ask.
E. answers from Albuquerque on June 03, 2007
It took me awhile to not feel embarrassed about getting a divorce and being a single mom, but when I made the decision to get a divorce, the relief of stress and being able to look towards the future far overwhelmed any embarrassment. There is no better gift to give a child then to role model making healthy decisions for yourself in a relationship, even if that means ending the relationship. Remember how wonderful it is to show him a strong mother taking care of herself and her child; let that outweigh any guilt you may feel.
J.F. answers from Phoenix on June 04, 2007
Counseling is a great step!! I saw a couple other people suggested a good church, my thoughts exactly! But a church not in a religious sense that you think... my church is about family and getting your life in order ..... Living Word Bible Church in Mesa..... it has sooo many classes, counseling, kids activities, etc... please come by to check it out!! You also need to read the book "MOM" By Holly Anderson.... you can get it on amazon.com
Good Luck !!!
T.B. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
I had a similar dilemna with the father of my beautiful baby girl...I had to ask myself this question, is it better to stay in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of having your daughter with both of her parents....An unhealthy marital relationship can damage your daughter far more than being a single parent can...You need to think of what kind of life you want for yourself and for your daughter...I chose to leave bc I knew that I wanted my daughter to have a life that wasn't surrounded by dysfunction...I have never been happier....I love my daughter, I provide for her, and most importantly she has a mother that is sane, self assured, motivated, and at peace finally...I never had peace with her dad......Pray, Pray, and pray some more...Your spirit always guides you in decision making, most times we just ignore it....I had a voice early on that told me I should'nt even date the father of my child...I ignored it, got pregnant, he was emotionally abusive and unavailable...I now know that I needed that relationship to become the woman that I am now......
H.K. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
My experience is that boys (and yes he is a boy) like this, don't change. I was with someone for a few years (and even planned to get married to him) that sounds very similar to your husband. For me things just got worse and worse never better. I finally was able to leave and get out. So I understand how hard that concept sounds. Especially if he is emotionally abusive to you. But, the reality is that your child will be BETTER off without this boy in his life. At some point he will be in the wrong place at the wrong time and will be abused by your husband too. Also, He will learn to think that this is how he should treat his girlfriends/wife/other women in his life. Do you want him to be like his dad, or a man that loves his family with respect and gentleness (is that a word :) )? If you can't leave your husband for yourself, do it for your child. BOTH of you deserve better then this.
C.D. answers from Phoenix on June 26, 2007
I just want to respond to one thing you said. You said you were afraid of your son growing up without having both parents. Divorced he can still have both parents. And probably may be happier because his parents will be happier. What he is growing up in now is not healthy at all. And he is seeing the improper way of treating a woman. That is worse then growing up in a divorced home by far. I wish you luck.
S.W. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
i was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationshio for far too long. and i still have issues with men becuase of it. i know you dont want to be divorced but you need to do whats best for you your little guy. and he needs to see mommy happy. and you deserve to be happy. your husband and you either need to seek counseling/help or you need to get out. if your husband is any kind of a good father he will still be in your son's life. good luck with everything.
J.H. answers from Phoenix on June 07, 2007
I can relate. I was going to give a long drawn out story about what a rotten husband I have too... (and he really can be) physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is a cheater. Can't hold a job. Thinks being a full time "daddy" is spending 2 - 5 hours watching our son and then leaving him with my mom. He has NEVER tried to get along with my parents (who are WONDERFUL people). There comes a time in a relationship when a switch is flipped. I've hit my switch. Stop showing him affection. Don't be there for him emotionally, Cringe at his advances, and when he has had enough of that, and is crying and begging for the woman that he married back (which is where I am at now) let him know that you might remotely let him back in your heart when you can see the man he has become completely disappear. Until that time, go to fascinations and get yourself a good vibrator. With that, with a clear head, when you realize that you don't need him and that if he isn't willing to change and step up and be the man that you and your son need him to be, Run. Get out of the relationship. Document every abusive thing he does for later use. Staying in an abusive relationship is going to show your son that treating women poorly is the norm. My husband is the perfect example, because he learned it from his daddy.
D.D. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
I think that you and your little "monster" would be better off with out your husband. You don't want you son to grow up learning that this is how he is to treat women. I was a product of a relationship like you are describing and as scary as it was, we are all stronger kids b/c my parents split. I still love both of my parents. And I know that my mom wanted to work it out. But she knew she was never ever going to change my father, and he wasn't going to change himself. So, do what you know in your heart is the best thing. Move on. Try to remain friends for your son. If that is possible. You can do anything that you set your mind to do. You can raise your son on your own. You will find you have more support than you think. Good Luck. And you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
A.E. answers from Phoenix on June 20, 2007
I know how you feel. I get so frustrated with my Fiance, and I want to leave sometimes. But then I think abot my daughter. We met when she was 2, it's been 4 years, and he is her other Daddy. I don't wan't to break another bond for her. It's hard.
But your situation is a little different. He is abusive to you. And your child sees it. It is better to be raised by a single Mom then to allow your baby to grow up in that environment. I know. I grew up in one. And you don't want your boy growing up thinking it's ok to be that way. It's not! One out of two marriages end up in divorce. You are not alone! It doesn't have the stigma that it used to. And by doing it, you would be doing yourself and your baby a great service.
I don't want to be all- get a divorce. If you think your relationship is worth it, make him go to counseling with you. I have just found a lady I am going to make and apointment with. She says she does couples too. If you want her information, just ask!
Z.B. answers from Tucson on June 04, 2007
I can relate a little bit because my husband was mentally abusive at one time until I told him that I will leave with my daughter and never come back. I don't let him do that anymore and I'm always in control now. I love him very much but if I am not happy, I will leave him and try to be happy with a man that can make me happy. I do love his family so much and that is a big reason for me to continue with him but sometimes I feel as though he doesn't want to talk to me over the phone and I can't stop thinking about the things he said that hurt me so bad. I think you should leave him if the has physically hurt you in any way. You should not let him brainwash you because that is exactly what they try to do, bring you down so you feel like dirt and you won't be able to get away. Just do it and you and your little boy will be happier. Take care.
V.C. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
I just want to say, you're not the only one. My first marriage sounds exactly what your going through. The only difference is that I was pregnant with our second son before realizing my happiness and the future happiness of my children was at stake. I knew that I didn't want my sons to grow up thinking that this environment was "normal." Being a single mom isn't as bad as it sounds. I started out as a single mom with a 2 year old and a newborn! Just remember that you can only give so much of yourself when your getting nothing in return. I've been there and I know, feel free to email me at ____@____.com if you need to talk or anything else.
H. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
I've been there- but it wasn't when I was married. Get out! It's the best thing you could do for your child. Your child does not need to see that kind of "family" and think that is how everyone is supposed to be. Please call a domestic violence hotline and talk to them. And do it soon. Please keep in touch.
D.M. answers from Phoenix on July 20, 2007
Hi there T. I am so sorry for the way your husband treats you.But I know how you feel I have only been married to my husband since Sept. 30th and I don't think there is a day that
he does'nt make some kind of negative remark to me and his explosive anger is getting so old...When I talk to my therapist about it(he want go to therapy he says he does'nt need it)she asked me one time would I stay if he was physically abusive instead of verbally I said NO she replied whats the difference? But you know what there is No difference.I expected a lot more from my husband and so should you.It's much better to get divorced and be happy then stay with someone who belittles you daily.I know its not easy I know there is so many excuses we can make but no one deserves that kind of life.The man you marry should make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.We should NEVER settle for anything less.So I hope this was a little helpful.
Love Yourself and that baby you have...
C.M. answers from Tucson on June 21, 2007
T. it may seem like an impossible situation now which it is if you don't LEAVE HIM!!!
I am 54 years old and have adopted my grandson who is 3 now. I have been down your road. They make you feel like your worthless and could never do any better for yourself. He won't want you if you get fat? Oh, give me some love like that.
Open your eyes. The kids deserve to be out of this too. This is what your children will learn to expect in there relationships. You want them to know respect for themselves and others.
If you decide to leave have someone else with you when you tell him and everytime after that when you meet up withhim. Move out while he is at work and don't be alone with him again.
I have been there!
L.M. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
I was married to a guy that told me what to do and such, we better friends now than when we were married, also I have my own place to go to, you may not want a divorce but what about your little joy? he will grow up and see what your husband does to you then he might carry that into his own marriage. Divorce is ugly but sometimes it's better off in the long run, will he get counsling? you need to do whats best for you and your baby good-luck
M.M. answers from Las Cruces on June 13, 2007
I know all to well about that type of situation. I am a single mom of two children. At the time I was 23 with a 2 year old little girl. Unfortunately I wanted to work things out for the sake of my daughter and not wanting her to come from a broken home as I did. Eventually I saw it was actually taking a very big toll on her as well. This was after years of him saying everyone hated me and he had no idea why he even kept a fat ugly thing like me around. He made me very dependent on him and him alone.
Staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of your children be it emotional or physical or both is not good for you or for your son. Boys look up to dad and want to be like him and girls look up to dad and want to marry a man just like him. If he is not a full functioning parent then your child suffers just as much as you do.
My daughter still asks me questions about times she remembers her dad making me cry or when she thinks he hit me. Kids remember traumatizing things at a young age.
Being a single mom can be difficult at times but I would not go back to that life for anything in the world.
Do what is best for you and your son. What will make you safe and happy.
Just remember there are alot of programs out there for us single moms so that we can work and go to school, we still have the opportunity to have a successful life.
With so many more single moms out there is it really a stigma anymore?
If you ever want to chat or have any questions feel free to email me.
N.E. answers from Albuquerque on June 03, 2007
Staying in an unhappy relationship is worse for your child than having two parents that are not together. At least in my opinion. I realize that there are some studies out that that might disagree with me.
If your husband is abusive with you what is to say that he will not become that way with your child? Do you want your child to grow up exposed to that? You both deserve better. You deserve someone that loves you and your child with every ounce of their being, someone that makes you feel like a beautiful, special woman no matter WHAT.
Don't let anyone take from you. Relationships are two way streets, and divorce is not the end of the world. I can tell you from experience that being a single mom is hard. But it's not the end of the world. You learn how to do it just as easily as you learn how to be a married woman. Anything is possible if you have faith in yourself and the desire to have what you deserve.
I hope you find the right answer for yourself.
S.T. answers from Tucson on November 30, 2007
I am so sorry you are going though that. I have a husband who is mentally abusive. I feel the same way. I dont want a divorce because I dont want the kids to go through that. But at the same time I am miserable. And its true you do start to hate the person. I see other women with husbands who treat them like they should and I get evn more depressed. Its not our fault. This is the way they were brought up, to show no respect and have no loyalty for women. Most men who do this are very insecure. Just stay strong. Do you have any family who could help you? Well I will pray for you. Sending you a hug!
K.M. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
I would get out like YESTERDAY!!!! It sounds like this is just the beginning of a terrible controlled life ahead. Its not good for your son to see this and he is still young. I dont know if you saw the Oprah show about a lady in the same situation, but her kids were older they sent the message out, "dont stay for the kids"
I would leave and not give it a second thought.
A. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
You say you love your child and he is the love of your life. Then look at this another way. His greatest asset and life line right now is his mother. There are no guarantees in life. The only guarantee for him to have a happy and healthy childhood is mommy. Does he not deserve to have a mother who is at peace and happy with her life? Does he not deserve to feel tranquility and calm in his own home? Does he not deserve to grow up knowing that love is not suppose to be this way? A lot of people say they stay because of their child. If the child has a voice, do you honestly think he would want "the love of his life" to stay? Please take care of yourself first. Once you do that, all will fall into place. Believe it or not, you might even be a greater mother.
Peace and love,
L.S. answers from Phoenix on June 12, 2007
First of all, know that you are not alone. I have been there and choose to leave with my then 18 month old daughter. I am now a single mom, full-time grad student and much happier than I have been in years. People cannot change other people, they can only change themselves. You are now living a life that MUST set an example to your son. If he see's that mommy is treated poorly, he will believe this is the way things are suppose to be because he will never learn otherwise. Children learn extensively through example and observation. Do your son a favor, don't let him grow up to become an abuser.
I left a marriage where I was sleeping on the floor as my husband preferred to sleep with his cat vs his wife. He also didn't tolerate being awakened if the baby cried - alcohol was also a factor. We all have our stories and experiences and from what I have read, there are a lot of brave women and men who made choices not only for themselves but for the children. It is much better to be a single parent setting a positive example vs being a married mom being abused.
I wish you all the best with counseling. Don't expect counseling to work overnight and it may not work at all. Sometimes people will agree to counseling and say what they think people want to hear. Please be cautious and be safe. Please establish a back-up plan if things don't work. Try setting aside money for emergency lodging etc. Have some clothes - both for you and your son - either in the trunk or with a trusted relative. Your husband now knows that you may consider leaving. He may try to restrict/control you and eliminate options. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!!!!
Being a single mom sounds much scarier than what is really is. I, and my daughter, now have freedom and peace of mind - that is worth millions to me.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and don't ever be ashamed by a title/stigma/statistic - God doesn't judge by titles, he judges you by your heart and faith.