November 15, 2008,
T.L. asks from Phoenix, AZ on June 01, 2007
Frustrated - Phoenix,AZ
I've been with my husband for just over 6 years (married for a little over 2yrs) and I'm feeling like marrying him was a HUGE mistake- I remember before he proposed telling myself, that if he asked (poped the ?) that the smart thing to do would be to reject the proposal, and that would be the end. Well, obviously I said yes, and a month after the wedding, I became pregnant. My husband has always been controlling- he's mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive at times (mostly when he's stressed) and he always taking it out on me, since I the closest person to him I guess- Anyway- I don't want to be a statistic of being a "single mom", I feel embarrased to even think about divorce, (although he has no problem proposing divorce) and most of all I don't want to deprive my child of having a both his parents-TOGETHER, but I also don't want to be a statistic of a mother murdered by her raging husband- (I don't mean to take it to the extreme, but it happens all the time.) Obviously my husband dosen't take our wedding vows seriously- which hurts because I like to believe that I love him UNCONDITIONALY, as you should with someone you love- He does not- he's got conditions all over the place- "lose weight, I will not stay with a fat woman" "make yourself look good for me" and the such. Its hard for a person to continue to take that in and not start to HATE the person dishing it out.
Is there anybody out there that can RELATE? - please give me your insight.
1 mom found this helpful
So What Happened?™
Well first off- thank you all who have responded and are still sending your advice- this site and its members are VERY therapeutic- I've responded to some of you personally and I've gotten some really good suggestions. Some things that I knew, but didn't want to admit to myself and other things that were/are hard to hear, but have to accept as truth. I don't want to end my marriage for various reasons, and through all the BAD, (and there is A LOT of BAD), there's actually more GOOD, to the point, I many times choose to ignore that he has a problem.
My husband and I are seeking counseling, the appt is in 2weeks and can't come soon enough. I pray that counseling and possibly medication can assist in making our relationship work. But if those options fail, per your nearly unanomous (sp?) suggestions, I will take my baby and leave, and not look back. I now realize, I don't have to be a "single-parent" FOREVER, nor do I have to be divorced FOREVER, (unless I want to) but this just may not be the right man for me or my little monster- I ACCEPT THAT-NOW, and it's because of YOU ALL, thanks again, and this will not be the last of me. Take care.
H.M. answers from Tucson on June 03, 2007
You need to stop. And go back. And look at your own questions and statements you asked all of us. There is SO much more in there about T.. What about the little boy that looks at the surroundings? Stay, and at five years old that kid will be saying EFF YOU mom, Dad says I don't have to listen to you. He will treat you just like the Dad does, and he will treat his own g/fs and wife the same way later in life.
Last I checked, "Single Mother", and "Divorced" were not a stigmata. You seem like you're more worried about how this will make YOU look. I guarantee that if you split up, people (and later in life YOUR SON) will look at you with respect, not pity. So you need help for a few years til you get on your feet again solid.
Yes, I have been there. I didn't look at myself for over 4 years in the mirror, because I detested myself, and the way I kept taking it. There IS someone out there that will help. Whether it's a parent, or friend. All you have to do is ask.
2 moms found this helpful
W.Y. answers from Santa Fe on June 03, 2007
Not only can I relate, but I can tell you that I was in your shoes 14 years ago when my daughter was 5. It was the scariest thing I ever did. Marriage vows are important, but so is setting an example for your child. I did not want my daughter to grow up seeing me emotionally abused and controlled. You don't want to see your son to grow up to be emotionally abusive and controlling. The same sex parent is the most important role model in your child's life.
I can't say for you to divorce...that's your decision. When I left my ex husband, I meant to just give him a wake up call...but what happened is I felt so much better being away from him, that I didn't want to go back. I had given him the utlimatum of going to counseling or me leaving for good. He wouldn't do counseling, so I left. A part of me was happy he chose not to do counseling.
Just to let you know, divorce was hard and it was hard to be a single parent. I moved far away from my daughter's father, but they have a relationship. It's not the best, but it's better than it would have been if I had stayed because it forced him to be involved in her life more than he was when we were togehter...in a sense, I was a single parent when I was married!
I went back to school and got my degree, met a fabulous guy, got married and now have a 2 year old son. Yes, I have a 19 year old daughter and a two year old son...call me crazy! I don't regret marrying my ex or divorcing him.
You also should realize that if you do all the "conditional" things that he asks of you...he won't change. He'll find more conditions and he will probably do it to your son too. If I were to tell you a direct thing that you can do, I would say find a good counselor for yourself first and then for you as a couple if he will do it. There are schools that let their graduates in Master's programs do counseling in the last semester of their education. They usually have a sliding scale of $1 to $25 dollars an hour...yes one dollar! So if he says it's too expensive, ask him if his marriage is worth a few dollars and some time out of his day. I really feel for you, but I also know that as a woman you have the strength and the ability to make this a better life for you, your son, and your husband if he wants it!
Hope all goes well!
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B.K. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
If you do not mind, I would like to give your email to a friend of mine. She got out of a marriage very similar to yours with her two daughters, and they are doing VERY well on their own. She could empathize and possibly give you some advice.
Two parents are great in the best of circumstances, but do you really want your son to grow up believing that they way your husband treats you is the way you treat women? Or the way you treat someone you 'love'?
And besides, there are SO many other people out there in the world - how do you know there is not a perfectly fit 'step-daddy' out there someplace that can be a GOOD role-model for your son?
The earlier you rectify a mistake, the easier it will be to move in. On you, and your son.
1 mom found this helpful
K.B. answers from Phoenix on June 04, 2007
WOW T. IT SOUNDS LIKE ALOT TO HANDLE FOR YOU, AND STILL BE A HEALTHY, HAPPY MOM. YOU TALK ALOT ABOUT STATISTICS, WHICH I CAN KIND OF AGREE WITH BUT WHEN YOUR BEING ABUSED, AS YOU SAY YOU ARE, YOU HAVE TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE QUALITY OF LIFE YOUR GIVING YOUR SON. I BELIEVE CHILDREN CAN SENSE OUR STRESS AND RESPOND IN A NEGATIVE WAY. YOU HAVE TO THINK OF YOUR HEALTH AS WELL! YOU DESERVE TO BE YOURSELF, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! THE RED FLAG WENT UP WHEN YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU SHOULD MARRY HIM EVEN BEFORE HE PROPOSED:( I LEFT AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY 1ST DAUGHTER WHEN SHE WAS ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD, I WAS ONLY 19 YEARS OLD MY SELF BUT KNEW THAT SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. IT WAS HARD AT FIRST, NO HOME WORKING 2 JOBS STAYING IN BATTERED WOMEN'S SHELTERS, BUT I EVENTUALLY MADE IT!! AND MY (oldest) DAUGHTER COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I FOUND MYSELF, AND A WONDERFUL LOVING MAN WHO EXCEPTS US FOR US!! IT SEEMS LIKE THE ANSWERS ARE THERE BUT YOU ARE SCARED, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE, MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE! IF NOT FOR YOURSELF BUT FOR YOUR SON:) IN THE END YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID! I HOPE THIS HELPS!!
1 mom found this helpful
N. answers from Albuquerque on June 04, 2007
First let me say that I left my first marriage after 7 years. He was mentally and physically abusive and did much of the same things you have listed here. He performed white glove inspections of the house cleaning, restricted my diet because he wanted me skinnier, wouldn’t let me have money so I couldn’t leave, and blamed me for "pushing" him over the edge when he hurt me. I was not in the exact situation that you are in. He beat me when I became pregnant, because he didn't want children.
I now have two beautiful little girls (1 and almost 3yrs), and have been married to a wonderful husband and father for almost five years; a man that does love me unconditionally. You deserve so much better than the situation you are in, and so does your son.
I think it is wonderful that you are such a committed mother and that you obviously love your child and want the best for him, but let me point out something you may not have thought of. No matter how careful you try to be with your "disagreements", your son will eventually know what is going on. Children are extremely perceptible and impressionable. What you seem to want to do is protect your child and give him a stable environment. However, he will see that you and your husband are not that stable. I'm sure you do not want him growing up thinking that it is the norm for moms and dads to disrespect and hurt one another; and you also don't want him to possibly feel the regret of being the reason you endured so much.
Show him that sometimes moms and dads can’t get along, but that you love him and wanted to provide a healthier home for him; one without anger, pain and resentment. I think you will raise a much more emotionally stable child in that type of environment; one that will probably be more capable of true love and respect.
This is my advice only. I hope that you seek some professional and appropriate help, meaning legal advice, and emotional and psychological support. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you can make the decisions to take care of yourself and your son.
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K.L. answers from Phoenix on June 03, 2007
I am not going to tell you what to do, but I will tell you that children growing up in a situation like that will always hate their mothers. Even though he is abusive the child will see you as the person who was supposed to leave. It is messed up but children hold their mothers to a higher standard then the fathers. Not only will your child hate you, they will also repeat the pattern they are learning. I have never heard anyone ever say they were happy their parents were still together when they were in an unhealthy relationship. Kids see everything. I was so glad when my mom and dad got a divorce, I finally felt like my life could be "normal". it is not hard to be a single mother I do it, the one who is making you feel you will not make it or that no one will love you is your husband, he has to make you feel this way or you would leave him. Don't get trapped by words, don't let him make you feel his troubles are more important than yours..It is simply not true. You need to be around other women who have been in your situation, they understand. It is easy for people to say leave, but I understand it is hard to do so. Change is always hard and uncomfortable, and it will feel like the world is coming to an end, but belive me when I say it becomes the best thing you have ever done, you will be happy again.
1 mom found this helpful
M.C. answers from Phoenix on June 10, 2007
Good luck with the consuling. I hope that God can help u with your marriage. Best of luck to you.
E.C. answers from Phoenix on June 02, 2007
My name is E. and I am in a similar situation. I am 22yrs old and have been with my husband since Dec. of 2002. We have been married with him since March of 2004. We have a 3yr old and I am 5 months pregnant. I have always known that my husband had a temper and he was very short fuzed but he has been some what good about controlling it..... UNTIL Thursday May 24th. Supposably I yelled at him histarricly and he turned aroung and punched me about 4 or 5 times in my arm. I have a huge bruse on my arm. At the moment I didn't do anything. I spoke with my mom on Friday and didn't tell her anything. She was going tout of town that afternoon and I guess I didn't want to ruin her vacation. Well only 2 poeple knew what happened and everyone told me he was crazy. I finally told my mom on Tuesday but only becuase my friend said that he would tell her if I didn't. Well I told her and she made me realize that my dad use to do the same thing. You know the I'm sorry and I'l never do it again. Well that afternoon I put a police report and he confessed and they arrested him. I spoke with him on Weds when he got out and he agreed to councelling. He is back in the house and we have an appointment.
I guess I just want to let you know that you are not alone but honestly I wonder if I should be with him. What would have happened if I didn't have my back to him. Would he have hit my stomack???? Well I should know better because my dad was abusive as well and I have LOTS of memories of them fighting. I don't want that for my little one's but I guess I have faith that he will change. I also know that he is doing something that my dad never did... he agreed to councelling. I think if your man won't even agree to getting some kind of help then meybee it is a lost cause. I will let you know what happens.
PLEASE e-mail me and let me know what happens and maybee we can help each other. ____@____.com