31 answers

Frusterating Grandparents

How do you get the grandparents to become involved in your childs life?? NO matter how many times we invite them, I send them all of their sports schedules, school activities etc...they are no shows. The story really could go on & on forever, but I dont have enough time for all that right now. Bottom line is that my kids get ignored for the rest of the grandkids in the family. I've feel we have tried everything we can do....MORE INFO....these are my IL's who do everything for other sets of grandkids, they want to see my kids only when its conveinent for them, has always been this way, and I guess I should just accept that I cant change them. I'm not asking for them to show up at everything just occasionally. We recently called them to let them know it was grandparents day at school & could they come eat lunch w/ the kids that day, but no that couldnt happen cause they had 1 of the other grandkids w/ them, who they watch on a regular basis even though mom or dad in that family doesnt even have a job(thats a whole different story :D ) I'm just needing any suggestions anyone has, I'm at the end of my rope w/this!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Nothing is what happend, we've brought up the issue to the grandparents & they really dont understand that there is an issue, so in my opinion we have done everything we can possibly do, so in the end its their loss, they are missing out on some of the best times in my kids lives!! Thanks for all the advice you gave me!!

Featured Answers

Honey just keep them in the loop..adventually they will come around.. the older I get I find my self in a world wind...every day is a battle of some sort.

have you tried letting the kids call the grandparents and asking them to come? the guilt trip from the little people usually works wonders and THE GRANDPARENTS can explane to them why they don't ever come to their functions.

You can not make other people do anything. I would continue to do as you have, but do not expect anything, and you won't be disappointed.

More Answers

I have been married for almost 13 years also and have been fighting that battle the whole time trying to get my in-laws to get more involved in my kids life. My parents are complete opposite and I guess it just disturbs me that they are not interested in my children! I have come to the conclusion that they are never going to be any different no matter how hard I try. Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I go thru it also! Neither my family (including my sister)nor his Mom are involved in my sons life. For sometime after he was born his mom showed a preference for my step daughter but since my husband mentioned it to her she has stopped be involved with her also. She says she has fibromialgisia(Sorry for spelling). I don't fully understand the pain but from what I understand the best cure is activity. So I don't think that is the case. My mom doesn't keep in contact with me either so I am not surprised. I asked the Moms here for advice and the best advice was to show so much love that he doesn't notice the lack of participation from them.The day he askes me why I plan to drive him to thier house and have them explain it to him because I can not. I am not sure that is the best advice but definitly show them all the love and than some and think that maybe your kids are better off without the negitive influence in their lives.

1 mom found this helpful

We're in the same situation with DH's parents, and my parents live too far away to do anything with my kids, but when they're up for the summers they go to everything because that's who they are. Those things are important to my parents like they are to me, but those kinds of things aren't important to my in-laws (including my bro & sis-in-law). I know it's very frustrating, but I think it bothers us a lot more than the children. I grew up across the ocean from everyone outside of my immediate family and was perfectly happy with only having my parents and brother at things. Even when we moved back to the states and were close to all of our family (on both sides), it never bothered me that no one other than my parents and bro ever came to any of my stuff; however, my grandmother did come to about one thing a year, and that absolutely thrilled me that one time she'd come, but I never really cared that she didn't come to more things. In fact, I can only think of a few people that have both sets of grandparents come to things. It seems like most families these days have at least one set of grandparents that don't really want to do much with the grandkids. My in laws come to our house about once a year, and other than that, we only see them when we go to them (even when they're in town, they go see my sis-in-law and her kids and spend the day/night with them, but never us, and that's about once a month). I've grown to not really care anymore. We never even get any help from my IL's anymore because my SIL's kids are up there with them so much, that when we need them the rare couple times a year, My MIL already has plans with their kids or is too tired from dealing with their kids to help us. We've just gotten used to it and just never invite them or even tell them about things anymore and never ask for help anymore. Every once in a blue moon we'll hear complaints that they never see the kids anymore, and we usually just respond that we're busy with ball games, music, church, etc, and they're more than welcome to join us any time, and that's usually the end of the conversation, which has become fine with us.

I don't know if the gp's you are referring to are your parents or your ILs, but I just wouldn't worry about it any more. Some people are just like that as crazy as that is to us. If they're your parents, tell them how you feel if you're close enough to do that. If they're you IL's, ask your husband to talk to them about how HE feels (that way they won't have something against you). If that doesn't work, just move on and stop inviting them and just let them be. Don't let the kids know it's an issue for you. The more upset you are about it, the more upset they'll be about it.

GL

K.

Confront them...That is what I had to do. It helped a little...Good luck!

You can not make other people do anything. I would continue to do as you have, but do not expect anything, and you won't be disappointed.

Do the kids ask? Nothing like a child who says "gma, I have ____ on Saturday & I'd really like for you to come." Are they your parents, or your husbands? If your husband doesn't have the best relationship w/ his parents, it may help for him to address it..."Look, I know you & I haven't always gotten along, but it's really important to the kids that you support them in ___ event. If there is something I can do to ease any tension, I'm willing to do so..." Also, if your kids aren't similarly situated (i.e. some of the other grandkids have less money or are in single-parent homes) the grandparents may feel especially compelled to try to make up for some of what those kids lack.

I have these same issues w/ my in-laws, and I think I've decided that it's their loss. I won't close the door on them, but they are the ones who are missing out. If and when my children come to me & say "How come grandparents never call/visit" then I guess I will have to reassess what if any action I need to take to force the issue. Until then, I figure that the less I stress about it, the less likely I will give the impression that she should feel upset that gparents are treating her differently and give her something to worry about that she wouldn't otherwise. (She's young now, so that will change as she gets older and I'm sure eventually she will pick up on it herself, but no need for me to bring it up earlier than necessary. Plus, they live out of state, so the expectations are clearly different, but personally, I think they could pass up on a vacation here & there to visit...my husband & I certainly have.)

OKAY, so I realize I've already gone on, but I have to update given some of the other ladies responses...you don't need to tell your kids that you're asking gp to come, but PLEASE DON'T STOP ASKING. I think this is one of those situations that calls for you to be the better person. You can probably assume they won't come and hopefully, you'll stop feeling bitter about it over time (can't say that's worked for me, but I'm sure some day I'll get over it!), but the last thing any of us want is for them to say later on, or for your kids to think is that you never asked! Keep giving them the opportunity (doesn't mean they have to know about EVERY game, but recitals or playoffs, special holidays, definitely) and let it be their fault/their choice not to come... don't make it for them. Even if they never change, I think you can at least feel good that you tried to give your kids the opportunity to get to know their gps.

the other ladies offer good advice, if they arent interested, your probably better off without them. most family members have thier favorites and if you or your children arent it, well you can forget them changing thier ways for the most part. believe me we have been through hell with this very problem. its better to find friends that can be a grandparent figure and choose your family when your treated this way. it is sad to have to give up on your parents, but you cant make them feel the way they dont. it will only hurt the kids feelings more if you make an issue of this with the gps. ok maybe this is bad advice, but we tried talking to them about it, and all we got was a big uproar and sils throwing hissy fits and we were let known that we and our children really idnt matter. make some elderly friends that maybe dont have family left, they will be more than happy to be your childrens grandparents.now im gonna go cry cause it still hurts thinking about how my kids and i were treated by both our grandparents.

it is their loss. i would give up and let them suffer with not knowing what their grandkids are doing and if they are ok.

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