Friendship Question

Why don't you let him make the effort instead of you. Let him put effort into it, if he does not, let it slip away, that way none of you feel resentful and if it is a priority for him he will make the effort. If not, you are not out anything. Not all friends are meant to be FF.

If he really is suffering from depression, his behavior is typical. If he is struggling with his sexuality, that would just make the situation worse. I know it is hard work being the only one in the relationship who puts forth the effort, and it gets old really quick. But if you really care about him, I wouldn't write him off.

Depression is a serious thing, and for the person suffering from it, it can be overwhelming to try to maintain friendships. How can you maintain a friendship, when you can barely get out of bed and function? That doesn't mean you don't care. It means you can't figure out what you have to offer to anyone else.

If you care about keeping him in your life, you need to sit down and talk to him, really really talk to him. Tell him how you are concerned about him. Tell him how much he means to your family, and how they are all concerned for him. Tell him you want to help him get better. Don't tell him that he lets you down. Ask him what he needs in the way of support from you. Maybe get some literature on depression and bring it with you. There is still a huge stigma attached to depression, especially for men. Women are more comfortable talking about their feelings and it is hard enough for us. Get some info or some personal stories to share with him about how it is NOT HIS FAULT. It is a chemical imbalance. If he was diagnosed with diabetes or something, he wouldn't refuse treatment right? It is the same thing. Encourage him to see a doctor. If he really is suffering from depression, he needs all the friends he has. I wouldn't even mention the possible boyfriend. If he gets better and gets the depression under control, he will probably be able to come to terms with that and with telling you a lot easier.

Depression hurts more than just the person suffering from it, it hurts everyone around them too. But if he depressed, he is not intentionally trying to hurt you. He probably doesn't even realize what he is doing, or if he does, it only feeds into the depression to make it worse. Be his friend and encourage him to get treatment. Good luck!

*Added*
As far as his contact with your family for the foreseeable future, I agree that not allowing him to make promises he might not keep would be best. Young children don't understand that and it isn't fair to them. If they are old enough, you can certainly try to explain things to them. But I like the idea of letting him know about your family's plans without announcing he will be coming along. Then if he makes it, great, if not, the children aren't disappointed. I have friends that I have done that with in the past- just let them know and don't count on them, and no one is disappointed.

I think if you just stop focusing on his behaviors and making plans with him then when he shows up to visit or calls it is a pleasant surprise that only lasts so long. I have a friend who will stop by my work and say things to the kids like "I'm coming over this evening and bringing you a new movie I bought for you". Then he never shows up for months. I have told the kids he just says things like that and doesn't really mean them. I try to sheild the kids from him and don't let them do much more than say hi and then go on to whatever we're doing.

So, if you just take it that he's not going to show up and just include him in things you are going to do anyway then it's just a pleasant surprise if he shows up. If we are going to the movies and invite him then you aren't losing anything if he doesn't show up, just don't tell the kids he's coming.

Thanks for caring enough about your friend to ask. I know maintaining friendships with those who struggle with depression can be difficult, from both sides of the equation. I think R.m. gave you some great insight.

I struggle both with depression and with chronic physical illness. One of the (many) things I hate most is that I can't always keep to commitments......so I never make them......which leads to isolation.....and more depression. You get the idea. My very best and long-time friends know this, and take it into account. Instead of shutting me out of their lives, they "keep the door open". When you're depressed, you don't have the energy to work on friendships according to an arbitrary time table. But if I know my friends still love and accept me, when I do have the energy, the door is open for me to initiate contact. Not sure if that makes sense.

If this is a time in your life when you yourself don't have time or energy to keep this friendship afloat, then that's understandable. Not sure how old your children are, but if they're too young to understand a simple explanation for your friend's behavior ("He has an illness that makes it difficult for him to know whether he'll be able to come to our picnics or not"........or whatever........) then I'd echo others' advice in not counting on him to show up, but letting it be a pleasant surprise to your kids if he does.

Would you feel comfortable talking with him about this? Just to gently question him while offering support? "I've noticed you seem down lately"....... or ...... "The kids love being around you and were so disappointed when you couldn't come - is there something going on you'd like to talk about?" "Would it help if I _________(helped you find a dr; check in with you by phone every so often?") (Rather than, "Anything I can do to help?" When depressed, it's difficult to come up with ideas or to make decisions, and a depressed person doesn't think they're worth their friend's time, anyways.)

If that feels like too much, then maybe it's time to just put the friendship on the back burner indefinitely. Nothing wrong with that. If you do want to "keep the door open", then I'd suggest cluing your friend in, because depressed people think everything is their fault and that no one in their right mind would want to be friends with them in the first place. Maybe, "Life is so crazy with the kids - I don't mean to shut you out. Could you do me a favor, and be sure to call me when you feel like getting together? I'd love to hear from you but time seems to get away from me......."

If it helps any to stand in your friend's shoes, just think what it would be like to be really pms-ing 24/7, with no let-up. The golden rule and all of that.

Best of luck.

this is a hard situation for you and your family. someone w/ an illness like depression will do stuff like this, not meaning to hurt you, but that is what they do bc they are suffering. (my mom has it so I speak from experience) anyways......if your boys were not involved I would say to be friends w/ him still bc he may need someone to be there but you as a mom must think of your family first and if it is upsetting them then you need to let it go as they are your number one. I would explain things to your friend tell him you love him but you can do this to your kids and if he does not get help and get better you just cant drag them trhough it bc it hurts them (maybe that will moviate him to get help too?) if your kids are old enough you can explain it to them as I think being honest is very important. good lukc xo

I think he needs to know how you feel, but not through a nasty letter or angry phone call.
Talk to him calmly, or if you can't do that, then write him a decent and heartfelt letter explaining your concerns and why you're upset.
Communication is key, and I think in this case deserved. He may honestly not know how you feel or that how he's acting is hurting you, or he really may be too embarrassed or ashamed to come out to you.
Either way, anger will only hurt the both of you.
Good luck, remember to stay calm and sincere. :)

If it makes you feel any better I know what you're going through. I have a friend who I've known since I was a child. She was my neighbor & we grew up together, and still stay in contact though I'd have to say she's a flake. She doesn't have depression or any other illness that prevents her from being my most ideal friend, but she's always been in and out of my life without much understanding on why she just can't be constant and consistent.

She'll be in my life for one summer & I'll see & hear from her all the time, then she'll basically disappear for a year or two before she resurfaces & continues an intense friendship for a season or so. It's always been this way. Within the period of time we're close, she'll make tons of plans & always cancels some of them. Sometimes she calls, sometimes she just never shows up. I might hear from her the next day, next week or next year. Each time I see her again, it's like we've never been apart & she's just as cherry & happy as ever. Since she's always been that way. I chalk it up to a simple personality flaw, that while I don't enjoy it, it's something I can accept. She overlooks my flaws/short comings, even if I don't see that I have any major ones, so I extend this courtesy to her. Whenever we make plans, I assume she'll cancel/not show so I'm never disappointed or surprised if she does. She's flighty, definitely high strung, tons of nervous energy & easily distracted. This is how she is & I call it, flakey. This is the reason she's "just a friend" and not a close friend or even best friend, though she's the oldest friend I have.

When we make plans, I always try to invite one more person (usually my sister), so if she doesn't show up, I can at least spend some time with the third person. When we do all get together, we have such terrific fun- just like when we were little. Such is life. Assuming your friend doesn't have a medical condition (which it sounds as if he may), you might want to consider this as a personality flaw. I don't think these people intend on any hurt feelings, they're just perhaps short-sighted & inconsiderate. Of course, this must be even more confusing to your young children. I've only got a 2 year old who isn't aware of any of this, so right now this isn't an issue. Good luck. It's hard when you're a good friend & simply want a reciprical friendship.

You need to do what is best for your family.

Will lashing out help? No. If he is unstable, there isn't much you can do about it, except create boundaries. I'm not saying to ignore him, but just have some boundaries.

I think you're looking too much into it. Why are your boys and husband upset that he breaks plans. It's not like they are all best friends with him. Just be his friend and stop trying to put a specific label on it. You mentioned he was dealing with untreated depression. I've been there and his flaking out has nothign to do with you what so ever. He's trying to keep his head above water. Cut him some slack and don't rely on him so much if he bails. Who cares. Is he such an integral part of your life and your family's life that it causes everyone to be upset. Sound odd to me. Just go about your business. Sounds like you're more concered with what he's doing that he is with what your doing. You mentioned he may be having a relationship with a male friend of his. Who cares. What does that have to do with anything. I speak to my best friend from hs about twice a year now. Things happen, life happens. When we talk it's like we pick up right where we left off. Don't miss beat. No one is upset if we break plans to visit we just understand. That's what true friendship is. Stop judging him.

I would first explain to your friend that his friendship is valued and it does hurt when he cancels at the last moment or doesn't show up at all. But I wouldn't pressure him, talk to him and see if there is something going on with his life that he needs help with. Be a friend! If he continues to cancel on you I would quit asking him. No one needs a friend like that. Some friendships just gradually die out.

Tell him everything you've told us. Let him know what you really think, both your thoughts and your questions, and he will either leave you alone, or --more likely-- see that his actions do matter to you and your family, and have a more genuine friendship with all of you.

We've all (well maybe not all but alot of us) gone through a situation like this and it's easy to cut your losses and give up. But I got this emailed to me today and when I read your question I thought it might be inspirational to you (plus remember even though it's a hard lesson, your kids are learning that sometimes people you love disappoint you) and I do think you should point out to your friend how hard it is on the kids and you when he's unreliable.

A TRUE friend doesn't care if you're broke,you're slightly mental at times, you can't keep a secret, your house is a mess, or your familly is filled with crazies...they love you for who you are. A true friend can go long periods of time without speaking and never question their friendship.