Friends Wedding, Need Your Advice Please.

With the exception of the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and wedding and reception - which is understood as all part of accepting the invite to be in a wedding - I don't think you are "required" to attend all other events, especially at your own expense. I was in a wedding where I could not afford to go to some of the more fru-fru stuff (pedis/manis at the most expensive place in town, updo's, etc.) and I just let her know it was not in my budget. I do think it is your husband's place to talk to the groom though, since this is his friend.

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I have never understood the whole reasoning behind your guest paying for your wedding, like bridesmaids dresses and tuxedos etc. Those are things that the bride and groom pick - and therefor should pay for.
We rented tuxedos for everyone that wanted one in our wedding, again no pressure to actually wear one if they did not want to.
You husband should be honest with his friend and let him know that the added expense was not planned for and you cannot do it, but that you'd be happy to attend everything that you had previously planned for.
It's an insane amount to spend on someone elses wedding - seriously!

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It is totally reasonable to excuse yourself from the extra day. Your husband's been through his own wedding after all. He doesn't need to rehearse -- He knows the drill. = ) And the pre-wedding groom's event. Puh-leeeze! Sounds like some sort of modified stag party which are also not a requirement for getting married. Your husband can drink and laugh with his friends AT the wedding.

UPDATE: Putting an expense like this on a credit card is (and I can tell you know this) such a bad idea. Save your credit card for emergency expenses (car repairs, uncovered medical expenses, plumbing emergencies, etc.)

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Hi Lillian,
I think honesty is the way to go. Let your husband talk to the groom and you talk to the bride- or do a conference call where all of you can talk together (plan this ahead with your husband) and just let them know that you are really excited to come to the wedding and be a part of their special day, but you cannot afford these last minute finanical crunches. You have the rest planned and paid for, but these extra expenses are just not doable for you. Let them know you will be there for the pictures and do all that you can to be a part of this, but financially, you are strapped.
The other side of this is that you can charge it. I do not reccommend that in any way, though. Credit card companies are literally the spawn of satan nowadays, with their ridiculous interest rates, etc. My husband and I now live without them, and while it is tight, last minute things have to be planned or there has to be enough cash in our savings to manage it. But usually we have to decline a portion of the event. Sometimes people will help out with the expenses who are better off financially, and that is always nice, too.
You are friends with the groom and fond of the bride. So do what you can, but do not create financial hardship with no way to be out from under it unless there are things you don't mind giving up in your daily life to make it work until you pay off that debt.
All in all, have a sit down with your husband, ask him to speak to the groom, and out of courtesy, call the bride as well and let her know what the groom and your husband talked about. Apologize but support, let her know you will be there, and be solid in your decision before you pick up the phone.
Good luck
-E. M

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Years ago, when I was invited to be in a friend's wedding, it was to be a simple ceremony, nearby (no motels). We got the bridal gowns, which were a mere $30, and things were moving well along that path.

Soon, the plans got more and more elaborate. And I was in for a hotel room for 2 nights and several other items. The "simple" BBQ rehearsal dinner ended IMMEDIATELY when those of us who had to work showed up for the rehearsal. And we were rushed off to rehearse.

The bride excitedly told me I was getting my hair done the next morning *when everyone else was being served breakfast* AND I was told that I would ONLY be paying X$ to get my hair done!

Then, once I paid to get all dolled up, the bride's sister said "Come on." I asked where we were going and was told "to set up the reception hall"!!!

So, I went for 2 days without food, got to pay for a hotel, got to pay to have someone curl my hair, and was free labor. I barely spoke to the bride for the next 3 years.

When I got married, years later, I bought the bride's maids dresses and gave them gifts. My sister had to travel to be in the wedding, but she stayed with me, so there were no lodging costs. I made a vow and kept it - my 2 bride's maids would buy shoes (of their choosing) and nothing else (well, my sis had to get airfare, but I didn't spring that on her).

But see, I was 39 when I got married and I'd been a bride's maid many expensive times. I was so angry after that last incident, I never forgot how it felt.

I think many a brides forget that, as the elaborate plans pile up for "their special day", that those changes effect others. And they also gorget that the day is NOT as special to EVERY ONE else as it is to them.

The point of this long rambling story is - your husband should be the one to speak up, but someone should, otherwise, there is NO telling how many more $$ you'll be out before it's over.

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I agree with the other moms who say that you should politely and nicely but firmly explain that you guys budgeted $X, and that you simply cannot afford the amount $Y that all the other activities, etc., will require. I don't want to be mean, but if, as friends, they don't understand that the financial burden they are putting on you is too much, and they cannot be understanding of your situation, then perhaps their friendship is not worth keeping. I don't want to sound mean, but in these times, it seems insensitive for them to push their wants onto others, regardless of others finances... There are lots of ways to celebrate and enjoy weddings without breaking the bank.

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Honesty is the way to go. Circumstances change and the economy is tough all around. I like Erin's answer.

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My husband and I were in a similar situation for a wedding this weekend. We couldn't afford the gas/hotel/new clothes AND gift so we had to just say that we couldn't go (we were just invited not in the wedding). I think right now everyone understands that most people are under financial pressure. I would just be honest and say that you can't do the extra day/outing. As long as you live up to the commitments you made last year (so as not to disrupt their wedding plans) you are fine. It won't ruin anything for one groomsmen to miss an extra, non-essential outing. Sounds like they are asking a lot of their wedding party as it is.

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I think it is perfectly appropriate, a week before the wedding, to tell the bride that you are unable to accomodate her last minute changes. Explain that you had budgeted for her original plan and that unfortunately her changes are not in your budget. If she wants you there badly enough she'll offer to pay for it. It sounds to me like you are already going above & beyond with what you budgeted, stick to your guns and don't let her get all bridezilla on you and make you feel bad!

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Be honest with her about the additional costs. If your husband really feels like he should be there, then you may consider staying home and having him go by himself- not sure what your personal costs are.

Just a side note- the need to be at the rehearsal dinner should not have been a surprise to you or your husband. This is pretty "standard" for weddings! The bridal party is typically there for the day before/day of/day after (depending on what's planned).

Regardless, I would have your husband call his friend b/c he's the one in the bridal party. Have him explain that money is tight right now and that you will be there in plenty of time for the pictures and are looking forward to celebrating.

They should understand- the groom will be disappointed, but at least you won't be in debt for someone else's wedding!

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Yes, just explain that you had budgeted for a certain $ amount, and as a result you cannot do the extra stuff. No big deal! And also, from my experience as a bride and as a guest at other weddings, when you travel to a wedding like this and put in the extra money on travel expenses, etc, you are not expected/required to spend a lot of money on the wedding gift.

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Yes, definitely be honest. It's not like you're not able to attend the actual wedding or that you're husband can no longer serve as groomsman. In these times she should be able to understand the financial tightness.

Good luck.

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The way I see it, you can just respond and say unfortunately with such short notice, we will be unable to attend the additional events.

Since your husband is the one who is closest to the couple, he could call his friend and explain the situation.

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I think your best bet is to be honest and tell it like it is...to an extent. Just simply say that everything sounds fun, but you didn't budget those extras into your trip and you just don't think you can swing it due to your current situation. I wouldn't be accusatory or anything, which it doesn't sound like you are, but make it all about you. She's the bride, she's not rational right now! It seems odd that they would just spring this on you and is a lot extra. How does your husband feel about not going the extra day? If he's fine with it then just call her and explain the situation, or have your husband talk to the groom, whichever would be easier. If your husband doesn't really want to miss this extra day and is willing to put it on the credit card, that may be an option you have to discuss since the groom seems to be a good friend of his.

Absolutely. Tell her the truth. She SHOULD be understanding. Hopefully, she's not one of those selfish ones that thinks you should sacrifice and "keep paying" no matter what it costs you. A REAL friend would understand and let you enjoy and participate in what you can.

I think what you suggested is perfectly reasonable, and probably what I'd do. It is insensitive, especially in this economy, for people to make these kinds of expensive changes, particularly last minute.

I'd be as nice as pie, and gently explain that your finances at this point won't permit the additional outing or night's stay, but not to worry, because you're husband will still be there, start to finish, to celebrate the wedding with them.

I agree. Leave it to your husband and the groom..... coming is a big deal so the other fun stuff can be put aside. You will all have fun and it will be fine that you don't parcipate in the other activities. I say......... they will understand.

I think it's fine to call & excuse yourself. Just be honest and say it's too much added expense but you will be there as originally agreed.

actually you just received the 'new' itinerary from the bride. email or call her back and say that you guys would love to be present for everything but tjust can't afford it financially. tell her what you plan on being and what you do not plan on being, be specific.
the extra amount you got hit with is something you should tell her you won't be able to do.

I think it's weird for them to ask you to pay for something that is part of the wedding (whatever the outing is), you shouldn't be expected to help pay for the rehearsal or reception, and if they want to add an event, you shouldn't have to pay for that either.
Tell them that you can't afford the extra thing, but you'll certainly be there for the rehearsal and dinner and the wedding the next day. You were expecting 2 nights and that's it. Though I am a bit confused over that part. You WERE expecting 2 nights so you could be there Friday for the rehearsal, right? Everyone has a rehearsal the night before, that's just part of being in a wedding.
Also, how did the price of the hotel go up? Didn't you book your room a while ago? They can't change the price of the hotel room after you booked at one rate. Maybe I misunderstood.
Can you find a cheaper motel to stay at instead?

Hi Lillian,

I would just add that when you talk to her, make sure to make it about you and not her - meaning, you can't go because you can't afford it and you're sorry to miss the extra festivities. Remember when you were getting married and how excited you were. She's probably not trying to be selfish, she's just not thinking. In other words, just be careful not to give her a guilt trip and there should be no hurt feelings.

Whatever you do, do not put it on a credit card. You need to do what's best for your family. My husband and I would be good about not spending money on ourselves, but it took us awhile to stop spending money on things we couldn't afford because we felt obligated to do it. It's much less stressful in the long run to just tell someone you can't afford it.

Of course you should tell her. Hopefully she's not one of these "bridezillas" and will be graceful about the whole thing. He will still be there for pictures and the wedding, so -apart from missing your presence at the other festivities -it shouldn't be a problem at all.

Honesty is always the best policy. If they are true friends they will understand and will be appreciative of your openness about this dillema. Talk to them and tell them you had budgeted a certain amount and unfortunately can't afford to take on the added expenses of the extra day and outing etc.

Good luck!

Be honest. They should understand.

i think you should tell her how you feel. That is alot of money to spend on someone elses wedding. In the long run its not what u tell her its how. My best friend promise to come to my wedding as soon as I told her the date. She lives 16hrs away and told me three weeks before the wedding she would not be coming because she could not afford to fly down. Since i was a little on the broke side myself I understood completely, but the thing is instead of calling me to tell me this she posted it on my facebook wall. It was short and felt really inpersonal. So just make sure you tell her how you feel in a way where she understands that were you want to help her make the best of her big day the prewedding stuff might be a little much for you to do. She can't be upset about not putting you in debt. oh and a side note I want to say That I spent less than $500 total on my wedding and reception and don't understand the amount of money some people spend on their weddings (tip for anyone getting married reception halls can cost anywhere from $500-$1200 but if you have an outdoor reception you can book a shelter house in a state park for $40 you can also save money by buying a white dress at a prom dress shop instead of a wedding shop I got mine at Debs for $70)

What does your husband want to do...? To me, it seems that this is an issue for him to decide, as he is the close friend of the groom. If anyone is going to call to say no to the pre-wedding plans, I think it should be a call between him and the groom.

I would definately say something. If you can't afford it, it's that simple. These are really tough times for some of us right now. And you should be honest instead of putting yourselves in a harder spot financially. If they are friends they should understand! I know every bride gets stars in her eyes when its their wedding, but you have to be realistic. When i got married a few years ago, I thought about EVERYONE involved when I planned anything. I had an adult only reception, but I told any of my out of town guests that they're children were welcome. I wouldnt expect a family with kids to drive a few hours to come to my wedding and need a sitter!! Or only come to the ceremony. Since its your husbands friend, maybe let him explain to the groom. Men takes these things better anyways lol. But yes definately say something. You are going for the important parts!!

Can you find a cheaper hotel to stay at the night of the rehearsal dinner? Just stay at a Holiday Inn or something instead of the $165 hotel. As far as a "prewedding outfit"... what the heck is that? I've never heard of buying a matching outfit to wear before the wedding. I would tell the bride (or the groom if you're better friends with him) that you guys are financially strapped right now and another outfit just isn't in the budget. If they're so worried about it, they can help you out. I know how you feel, though. Weddings are expensive to participate in, I don't think that people think about that when they ask you to be in their wedding. Good luck!

Also, just because you are invited to the extra stuff doesn't mean you are obligated to do it. It was nice to be invited, but I'm sure feelings won't be hurt if you stick to the original plan. I'm sure you won't be the only ones who can't swing it.