30 answers

Friends?... or Loss Of...

I had this friend for about 8 years. My best friend! Knew everything there was to know about me. All 3 of our kids are 2 months apart. Our wedding anniversaries are 1 month apart, we were inseperable!
We had our little tiffs here and there. We would go a month without talking or whatever, but it would always go back to normal.
I recently caught her talking about me to her mother (her cell phone called me on accident while she was on the phone with her mom!)
It wasn't anything major, but my husband had bought my a new wedding ring (an upgrade) and I was excited about it! She was talking to her mom about me and my ring. How self centered I am and how my ring was probably really just from Walmart or something... Just a bunch of stuff. I called her to confront her about and as soon as I told her that I heard what she said, she hung up on me. No defense, no excuses, just hung up. Ever since that things have gotten worse and now we do not talk at all.
Now, I know this is going to make me sound dumb, but I miss her. I know that she was talking about me, but I had talked to her husband about it and he said he feels it is just a jealousy thing. They are not doing as well financially as we are and he wont let her spend money like she wants to and they cant afford things like we do. I tried to talk to her numerous times and she just blew me off.
I don't know if I should just let it go or try again to talk to her and work it out. Part of me thinks I need to just get over it and move on, but 8 years is a long time to just throw away a friendship. IDK. I just miss my friend. What would you do?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

So I decided to call her yesterday. She answered the phone and I said "I know this is kinda weird and if you don't wanna talk to me then I will let you go and won't call you again." She said that wasn't what she wanted. So I continued to tell her that I miss her and its weird seeing each other and not being able to say hi or anything. That I miss having her around to talk to or to have our kids play (all 3 of our kids are 2 months apart). She told me that she felt bad about the ring thing and that she just felt as if there is a competition thing going on and she doesn't want to deal with that. I told her that I never intended for her to feel that way. She said that her husband and everyone that she has talked to about it all think she is crazy for thinking that. The funny thing is that my husband and I have talked numerous times about how we feel they are always trying to 1 up us. It gets annoying. So if she felt that way then I kind of get it. But I told her that I just wanted her to know how I was feeling and that I am putting the ball in her court.
She called me this afternoon to invite us to the spray park. Her and her husband are taking the kids and wanted to see if we wanted to go. So, I think things may be getting back on track.
But she just told me that they are planning on moving closer to her husbands work which is over 2 hours away!

Featured Answers

I think you should move on , a true friend would be happy for you no matter what , if she is jealous because you are better off financially and with what you own and will talk about you to the first person who will listen , that is not a friend.

5 moms found this helpful

With friends like that who need enemies? Get out & be social & find some new friends. You don't need this aggravation.

2 moms found this helpful

I know its hard, but I would let her go. You can miss her sometimes, that is normal with any long relationship. Unfortunately, though, she sounds jealous and toxic and that isn't what you want ( or deserve) in a best friend. There may come a time when you can be social again, but for now I would stop calling her and let things lie. She owes you an apology and some explanations, and they need to come from her.

More Answers

I think you should move on , a true friend would be happy for you no matter what , if she is jealous because you are better off financially and with what you own and will talk about you to the first person who will listen , that is not a friend.

5 moms found this helpful

It's a sad loss of faith in a friend when we hear such a low opinion of ourselves come from their mouths. It was not your fault that you were accidentally called, and I think it's pretty human to stay on the line if your name came up.Perhaps not the best choice, but certainly human. A previous suggestion that you should be the one to apologize is a bit confusing and not exactly a healthy way to approach the situation.

Your friend is probably very embarrassed for saying what she said. Nonetheless, the ball really needs to be in her court. It was an accident that you heard what she was saying, but like any sort of mess one makes in life, this is hers to clean up--in short, she needs to make amends with you before your friendship moves forward, or it's likely to come up again during another moment of conflict.

If she is able to work through the feelings you describe (her financial issues with her husband as well as her jealousy), there's a chance you'll be able to move back into a friendship. I was recently in a similar situation with a friend (let's just say that it involved a misunderstanding) and know firsthand how our hearts tug at us, how much it hurts to miss that other person. I did what I could within the realm of reason, and then took my husband's advice--I let it go. I cried, gave things time and while the friendship didn't truly recover (we are civil to each other), it gave me room to see that we didn't actually have a lot in common and that there were some inequities in the relationship I'd chosen to overlook. The good part of it was that the hard feelings hurt less over time, and her absence allowed room in my life to make a different friend who is a better match for me and our family.

Part of being a friend is being supportive not just in the hard times, but the good times too, and it takes a certain amount of maturity to celebrate someone else's happiness when we feel our situation doesn't measure up. If this situation doesn't heal over time, I do hope you can make some new friends who don't need to put you down to make themselves feel better.

4 moms found this helpful

Okay, so you've tried numerous times and she's blown you off. You've reached out and she hasn't made the effort to accept the olive branch. Really, SHE should have been the one reaching out and apologizing profusely. Eight years is a long time; but some friendships do wane. I think I'd let it go. I would be extremely hurt if I listened in on a conversation of a supposed best friend speaking so cattily about me. The ball's in her court. Now move on and find a group of friends who will support you and have your best interest at heart. They're out there!

4 moms found this helpful

Friends don't talk about you! 8 years is a long time but think about it is it worth getting hurt again over? My best friend has been my best friend 28 years and we have never I mean never had any type of argument. When she moved out of state due to her husbands Job it broke my heart I felt like a part of me died. We are miles away from each other but we both know that if we need each other we are there. I feel that a friend doesn't judge you and they certainly don't hurt you even if it behind your back. She probably is jealous but that is her problem not yours. If she comes to you and says she is sorry that would be one thing by why in the world would you have to say you are sorry for listening in on the phone call? My friend and I have always been happy for each other not matter what we may have that the other doesn't. Things happen for a reason it might just be time to move on since she doesn't sound like a true friend. Good Luck and I know a loss is a loss just look at what you do have a great husband that showers you with gifts and remember you are the lucky one and it is her loss in the end.

3 moms found this helpful

She's not talking to you because she got caught doing something that she has done probably a million times before: being two-faced, backstabbing and spreading horrible gossip. And this is probably not the first time that she has talked about you and said unfair things about you behind your back; this is just the first time she happened to get caught.

From what you have written about your relationship and how she handled things (or didn't) after you confronted her, I'm just thinking that she doen't have what it takes to be a friend. Sure, she may be fun to hang out with but do you really want a friend around that you can't trust? That you know will probably turn around and spread malicious gossip about you behind your back because she can't handle her own issues of jealousy? I completely understand wanting to have that friendship connection but it's time to be a bit more decerning about who should be allowed into your inner circle and who should not. There are other women out there that probably are equally as fun and your "friend" but want trash you behind your back when something good happens to you and not them and know how to say, "I'm sorry," when the situation calls for it. Save yourself a lot of drama and let this "friend" go.

3 moms found this helpful

What's that saying that people come in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime?

You need to do what your heart tells you. But if she isn't willing to reach out, don't drive yourself nuts trying to keep something there that isn't.

And remember that sometimes you just grow apart from people. My best friend in college and maid of honor at our wedding is a perfect example. We didn't even have a disagreement, we just headed into different directions in life. And some of my closest friends now, that I know I could call anytime day or night, are friends I've just had in the last 5-10 years.
Now that being said, I do have one friend from high school, 30 years + that she and I are still very close.

2 moms found this helpful

A real friend loves you through thick and thin. If she isn't interested in apologising, then maybe she's ready to move on. But if you really do miss her, send her a note telling her that you forgive her for talking behind your back and as the other poster suggested, that you didn't mean to brag about your ring. You were just excited.

I have a friend that told me once that she felt everything just came so easy for my husband and I. She'll never understand and we don't talk very much anymore. She is jealous I'm sure. She divorced and that was after years of her making little comments that were meant to dig me about her and her husband having a better marriage than we do. The sad thing is, we've worked our butts off to get what we have. We haven't had any help from anyone EVER. This friend that thought things have gone so easy for us has grandparents and a father that has showered her with money, gifts, down payments for houses etc. Her father even left her with a living will that protected her house from her lousy credit. Her family has been adopted for Christmas, had cars paid off, been showered with gifts and cash from total strangers. I work 7 days per week. She just quits jobs whenever she feels like it. At least, she used to. Now that she's divorced she has to take care of her family.

This is the petty stuff of life that makes me not care if I have any real friends. I like my surface relationships that I can find online. The less we invest, the less we will be hurt when they get tired of us and move on. :)

2 moms found this helpful

Doesn't sound like she was "talking behind your back" so much as maybe venting. She sounds like she has a lot of frustrations. Who better to listen (and I mean listen, not necessarily commisserate or play the "one upmanship" game), than your mother?!.

Maybe you could send her a short handwritten note (no emails or anything like that) that just says: Hey. I'm sorry I kept listening to that call. I should have hung up. And I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable talking about my ring. I was just really excited. Can we put this behind us and move on? I miss you.

And leave it at that. If she is ready, she will call you up. And if she isn't, she won't. But you'll have done all you can, and you will know it's time to move on.

Sometimes big differences in finances can make it too difficult to continue close friendships. There is just too much discrepancy. It is awkward and difficult to be either the one who "has" or the one who "doesn't". And it can strain every aspect of your involvement if you let it. Maybe she isn't able to see past it right now. You can't do anything about that but move on with your life.

2 moms found this helpful

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