Friends Not Understanding My Busy Life

I know it must be hard I only have two kids, but you have to find time for yourself. Maybe plan a girls night out once a month with your friends. Have a playdate every other week with them and rotate houses. See your mom on the weekends so that if the kids do get off their schedule it is not that big of a deal. Also have your mom come and hang out with you during practice. It really sounds like you are so into keeping your kids on a schedule maybe try and relax not everthing needs to be so strict. One day your kids will grow up and you might find yourself with no friends and maybe distant from your family as well.

I had three kids in a short time, I thought that being a good mother meant keeping house, cooking fresh healthy food, organizing every day. What i learned was kids and parents need fooling around time or you will all burn out. Let some of the work go. I understand not interupting nap time or bedtime, but it is healthy to allow for spontaneous events in between. Children need to learn flexability. Social skills are learned from parents as well as their friends. Cleanliness is important but not the most important thing in raising a family. Your kids will remember the fun silly times that bond you as family, not the spotless baseboards and perfectly folded clothes. Relax, a little controlled chaos can help all of you energize for the boring day to day tasks.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I think that the number of children can be insignificant though...we all just have different parenting philosophies. I am much like you and I like structure and schedules for the kids. Some of my freinds are more "fly bythe seat of your pants" parents and they just have their kids "adjust to their needs. I prefer to adjust my life to my kids. That is not to say that I NEVER get off schedule or that I NEVER get out with my friends, but I pick and choose times that seem most necessary and crucial. I have 2 children and I am pregnant with #3 and I do think that it becomes more difficult when you stray from schedule because you have less time to catch up when you get behind. The truth of the matter is that your REALLY good friends will understand. And some ofyour peripheral friends may fade out totally. But the fact of the matter is that our little ones won't be this little for long and they will outgrow their use for us and then we will have more time to cultivate old friendships and create lasting new friendships. Good luck, keep your chin up and don't let them stress you out. Life just changes once children come into the picture!

Hi F.,

This is a little long...sorry!
I know things are crazy right now and you're doing a great job with your kids. It's obvious the effort you put into caring for them and giving them the best opportunities you can. Right now it's hard to conceive of giving up precious time for friends. I know when things get busy in my family's life I tend not to even keep up with email very well and get reprimanded by my friends. Here's how I've tried to tackle the situation and so far it seems to work.

First, I suggest you try to remember how much you care for them. Remember some significant times in your life when they were there for you and re-capture the joy you've had in the relationship before doing anything. Otherwise you'll tend to speak to them out of obligation and they always pick up on that. You might also consider choosing just 3 (or whatever number makes you comfortable) friends that you really want to invest in and choose to let the others become much more casual relationships. Then schedule time to talk with each of those special friends. Communication is so key...not knowing what's going on is always the worst. Let them know the following:
1. You realize their frustration and know it's because they care for you. You recognize that things have changed and that's always hard to accept.
2. Clean things up with them if there is anything you need to apologize for (like not returning calls, etc.) and generally make sure everything is clear between you so that they can really hear your request. Then...
3. Talk to them about changing their expectations for your relationship. They are hurt b/c they're still expecting the relationship you had before. Well, life changes and we have to adjust. It simply isn't possible to stay exactly the same. So let them know what you can do (how many phone calls, playdates, etc.) and that you really care about evolving your friendship to a whole new level. And then basically get something on the calender and stick to it. If you can set realistic expectations and fulfill them your friends are much less likely to feel resentful. But if you never lovingly communicate what your life is like (might even give them a snapshot of your typical week so they really get a sense of how precious your time is) and what expectations can be there will always be a sense of dissapointment.

If they truly are friends there's a high probability of this conversation making all the difference. If they can't accept it, chances are there's something a little unhealthy in the relationship and it's probably best to have a little distance anyway. Hope this helps and that these friendships work out!

I feel your pain!! I have 2 kids, 14 months apart. My friends all got on my case as well a few years back. Now they are have just had their 2nd and they are getting a clue (but can a person who doesn't have more than one in diapers and needing to be fed at the same time really know what it is like??)

You are doing a great job and eventually they will see that. But, don't forget to occassionally take time out for you. Mommy's night out is a need I neglected for way too long. It let's you be F., and it allows you to spend time with some friends and just decompress!! It will be a win win. They will see you once a month or every other month. You are keeping up with friends who will be there when you find the kids don't need you every hour, and you will have your friends support when you need it. If they continue to not catch a clue...... obviously they are too selfish right now. Maybe down the road the friendship can be re-kindled. You have to take care of you and your family's needs first! Good luck sweetie!

You are busy. Maybe your friends are just missing you. I can only speak from experience - I was in playgroups as well. I went frequently when I only had one. Your babies are young and need a lot. Personally, schedules were important but not regimented that it dictated my whole life. I needed to be around adults so I just packed the whole house (then forgot the kids.. no just kidding!) then off we went. It was a LOT of work. I think if I didn't feel it was that important to me with friends I probably wouldn't have pursued as much as I did. It's just like the old adage - "you get what you put into it." Make adjustments - if you want to. But be courteous to your buddies who may have a lot more to offer than what you think. It will be good for the kids to be around others. And please reconsider the time you spend with mom. Grandparents are important as the kids grow up. Do you have to be the team mom? Can you try to give this up? Ask one of the moms to take over or share in the team. I don't think your son will be affected that you weren't team mom. He's only 3. good luck.

As we become moms we find that its hard to keep our friendships they way we once did.
Friendships are hard. But what is important to you? Your children are at a critical age where routines are important. But you got to remember that there is always room for flexibility and spontaneity. So you might just tell your friends that seem to be having the problem. If they are your true friends they will understand.
And about not needing any help... think about that one... Dont we always need alittle help?
Good luck... Keep your chin up

As a mother of three myself I know how hard it can be keeping in touch with family and friends. My three are a little more spaced out in age. Shelby 7, Chris 3 and Elizabeth 9 months. I won't say it's easier or harder with ages being closer or farther apart but I will say this. Shelby last summer was involved with Girl Scouts and Soccer and Chris wanted to do swimming. It is hard allowing everyone to do what they want while keeping in touch with friends and family as well. The more that is on your plate the less time you will have to spend with anyone other than your kids. Please don't take this wrong but a word of advice is to make sure once a week you have you time. Regardless if you spend if with friends or family it is always wise to take a moment for yourself. Trust me if you don't get started now while they are still young it will only get harder when they get older. You never gain time, only add more things to do in the same amount of time you already have.

Personally I think your friends should understand where you are coming from, if they don't then they may not be the friends you need in your life right now. Schedule some time at a park or playhouse and invite your friends, not only will that allow the kids to play it will give you a moment to spend time with them as well.

Good luck, 3 kids is way different than just 2 (regardless of what anyone says).

C.
"Hand Stuff A New Friend!"
www.noahsarkworkshop.com/constancecotton_s9956

Why don't you schedule playdates at public places?

I have 2 children and even on nights when we Do have time to hang out with friends, we often don't because we are just tired and want relaxed family time.

Some people like to do playdates practically all week long it seems, and that is great for them, but not everyone is comfortable with the same schedule.

I would just explain that it isn't because you are overwhelmed and need help with your schedule, but you just need alone family time at nights. Maybe you can schedule one night a week, like Tuesdays for example can be playdate night, and it can rotate every other week between each other's houses.

Also, I think your friends would understand if they came over to hang out and your house wasn't wonderfully clean. I try to keep mine clean (most of the time) but some of my friends have seen it quite messy and they just laugh because they are moms too and realize that sometimes, houses get that way!

Some kids need routines and structure, but it is also good to have little distractions such as spontaneous playdates. It will be easier for them to cope if something serious unexpected were to happen in the future. Too much structure and scheduled events can be detrimental.

Hope everything works out!