Friends and Marriage

I know exactly how you feel, sweetie. I am a mother of 3 boys,2 of which are Autistic. All my "single" friends have disappeared over the years. And all of my "married" friends with kids are just too busy with their own families to hang out.
It is extremely frustrating at times because I'm cooped up in the house all day since I can't really take the kids out for fear of them becoming overstimulated & having meltdowns. My only outlet seems to be myspace, which sounds really lame when you think about it, but it's been a great way for me to just vent my emotions out in my blogs.
I really don't know of any solutions, per say, but I've actually made a couple of freinds through myspace that I never would have met before. You might try changing churches (if that's a viable option) or start having the whole family volunteer for things (Elf Louise, a soup kitchen, working with disabled kids, etc.).
I hope that you find a way to reach out to others. Trust me... your children will not be your only friends. You may have to schedule weekend lunches, BBQ's, or something like that with friends & their busy schedules. I know that works well for us... everyone can pencil it in and then no one feels like the other is ignoring them. Just remember that you are not the only woman going through this type of situation & it will find a way to resolve itself... might just take a little time & planning. Hope you have a Happy Friday :-)

1 mom found this helpful

Part of it could be as simple as you guys are all busy with your families, and your/their needs have changed. Some people just don't need that kind of connection the same. Maybe people have conflicting feelings/opinions about who you are now, your new marriage, your new husband. Keep in mind that we're all evolving and learning as we move through life. It might be time for you to spend some time alone, maybe getting to know who you are as a wife to this man. I've noticed that when it's that time in my life, people just disappear, to force me to just be still and re-prioritize. Some of them will usually come back, but I find that I've made an opening for new relationships that are appropriate for the new person that I've become. Don't fret--find your peace in it, and then you'll be ready for what comes next, whatever that may be!

Take good care.

I had a ton of friends where I grew up and then again where I chose to raise my daughter, but when I moved here to be with my husband while he is assigned to this duty station I have had a difficult time. For one, military friends come and go, it's just the way of the lifestyle. for another, I am not planning on raising my family in this environment when my husband gets out after this deployment. My closest family is 900 miles away and his closest is 300miles away. I did finally (after 5 years here) find an old friend 300 miles north of me, but still It's an isolated feeling.

I help alleviate that by paying for unlimited long distance plans and talking to all my my good friends and family on a very regular basis. I also keep in touch via email and myspace. I try making friends in this area as best as the situation allows...but well I take it with a grain of salt so to speak and know it is a temporary thing...

As your situation is more permamanent I would look online for mom groups in your area, contact parents magazine online they may have a listing for a website that will help you locate one. they often feature "girls night out" from these online groups get togethers. I for one have met a couple of people from private messages from my replies here...I have also met a couple of people in my area from my myspace...I of course try and take all the necessary precautions to protect myself, but at some point well, some risk is involved and ytou just make sure to meet in a public place and that other people know where you are going and when you should be returning.

I hope this helps!!

Good Luck!

I know exactly how you feel. My husband is in the military so every few years I have to pick up and move and remake friends. But it seems like there are none to be found. Mostly because I always had guy friends, and I was doing volunteer firefighting before I got pregnant with my daughter. So I always had some where to be something to do. After I got pregnant and couldn't do the fire thing anymore my mom became my new best friend. Now that my daughter is here I hardly have time for anything. I made plenty of friends in school when I went for the semester class, but I was made to feel guilty because I was already gone all day to school, and now I wanted to go out with out husband/ daughter. With the few and I do mean few friends I made here they're always working or doing things with they're family, so there isn't a whole lot of adult time when we get together anyway. So I know what you're going through and I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one.

I use to have tons of friends. Now that Im married I dont have very many...I could honestly say I have one true one and that one is suffering because I became a stay at home mom and no longer work with her. I have 3 children and I guess in some ways they have become my friends because their around me all the time:) I myself am fine with that for now but on the nights I just have to get away for a few hours I dont have anywhere to go unless I go to my sisters or my moms... for girl talk....I know thats truely sad but its true.

Please go and get some friends:) youll be happier good luck try to find mommy clubs so your little one will have a friend too.

Maybe now is a good time to try some new things for you and your sons. Have you tried a new Bible study, or this summer some new activities for your boys? I have three children as well and have formed friendships with my children's friend's mothers. I really enjoy most of them and when our children get together with their children, it gives us a chance to catch up. You didn't say how old your boys were, but try some new things so you all can meet some new people. It may help you develop a fresh perspective. Good Luck!

hi A.,
I noticed you allready have a response from a T. L. not the same person.I live in Austin not sure were you live?I'm 35 and i feel im in the same boat your in,old friends became distant over time and i find myself w/2 girlfriends i can call friends even then we don't spend that much time together.Mostly chatting on the phone.They have busy lives and my free time is more lay back.Im selfemployed usually home by noon.Im going to remarry in July and i have 3 children son 16 daughter 15 and son 8.I've also have mentioned to my fiance that i wanted more girlfriends to hang out w/go shopping,take walks ect.SOOOOOOOOO if your looking for a friend im advertising if your interested I promise to be a good listening ear and plan to have good times to remember.i live in Austin SW area.Hope to hear from you.
____@____.com T. L

Call up an old friend or several and make a date. Could be they're so busy they could use the reconnect too.

I do NOT make friends easily, and can fully understand the feeling isolated. My closest friends are actually the furthest away by mileage. We have always kept in touch via email, yahoo chats, web cam chats, etc. Because they are mom's too they completely understand when my child is demanding/screaming in the background, etc... Though that helps, there's nothing like meeting someone for meal/drink now and again. My husband is extremely supportive in my getting out, but I have to get past myself and find some friends!!! What has helped most recently is taking my daughter to story time, joining a couple of toddler classes, and just browsing through the children's section of the library. Other moms are just as desperate for adult conversation. LOL Maybe through all of this I'll manage a new casual companion or two for some kid free time.

Good Luck and get out there, if you feel like its missing, then you need it back in your life for the balance. Best for you and the whole family. IMO

It seems to me that it is harder these days to make friends then it used to be. I understand how you feel. Stop waiting for someone to reach out to you and reach out to them. If there is someone in your SS class you think has the same interest or kids around the same age, invite them over for lunch or a play date with the kids.

Why don't you see if there is a mom's group in your area that you could join? There is one in my town, however I work full time and they are mostly stay at home mom's so I couldn't join their group b/c everything they do is during the work day.

I feel I'm in a similar situation. I have been married before and am in a serious relationship for the past 6 or so years and currently engaged to be married in October of this year. Seems girlfriends just are no more. I do have a friend or two that I talk to on the phone occasionally, but one is in California. One of my friends, I go out with maybe a couple of times a year, but on one of these occasions she told me I didn't need to be going out "acting like a single person" and that my man should be taking me somewhere. Man that hurt me to the core. Well anyway, you are not alone. I have often thought to myself it would be nice to meet some other women to do things with and talk to, but I just don't find myself in the situation for that to happen. I am a software development professional that works from home so I don't get out much as you might well imagine. I guess I responded to your post because I want to have more friendships as well. I feel a little isolated. If you live anywhere No. such as Round Rock or Georgetown, perhaps we could get acquainted if you read my profile and we share any similar interests, email me at ____@____.com.

I totally understand how you feel. I have one 20 month old son with another baby due in November. I don't know what happened to all of my friends. I did get rid of one when I was pregnant with my son because she still had a LOT of growing up to do & I had to be responsible. She wasn't a very reliable friend anyways. I have a more recent friend that has a 2 yr old little girl and she never calls. Then when she'll tell me to call so we can get together, I can't reach her and she won't call back. My husband has three friends, but he's happy with those three friends (even though we rarely see two of them). I don't think he understands that I need a girl friend to talk to. He wants me to talk to his one friend's wife but when I go over there she's always busy either doing homework or playing on the internet. And no matter how easily you make friends, it gets harder as you get older. And by my experience, it's even harder once you get married and have kids.

Hi A. i'm Susie and i can assure you that you aren't the only one. i have gone through this before. my advice to you is to go out and do what you enjoy. don't feel that your friends have totally lost intrest but understand that they too might be going through a phase. We all tend to get caught up with our daily routine and sometimes it takes us a while to realize we haven't made much contact with those special people in our lives. I know over the years with my girlfriends we go through states where we don't have much contact but when we do it's always back to how it used to be ....just like if we never lost touch. I do understand the feeling of neglect and you may feel that your friendship might not be as strong as before so why don't you do something that will bring you guys together. plan a girls day out, have some time for just the girls. if this doesn't work then get involved in somethign and meet new people.

Hi,there A. sorry to hear that you are having this problem with your friends.i use to have a ton of friends but when you get married and have childern there is not alot of time for friends with every day lifestyle being a family takes alot of time my kids and my husband are my friends i dont have the time for anything esle much im a very busy mom so i dont have time to deal with friends much i do good to have time for my self.dont let it get you down,if your old buddys dont call anymore to at lease to check up on you then they was not much of friends to you to start off with move on theres more to life then just thinking about them in your life enjoy your self and family.hope every thing goes ok for you god bless you.

I'm went through the same thing when I remarried. I think it's because you suddenly become something different to your friends. In my situation, I share custody with my ex so I had some free time and aways went to them and accomodated their schedule. Now being married, I have a new partner to consider which made things a little strange when we all hung out. I was sad about the loss of my good friends but began to focus on my husband as my best friend. He is still my best friend. Sees me at my worst and crankzilla stages and helps me through it. We do have some couple friends but none real super close because life is so busy. With 4 kids in baseball, flag football and volleyball at the same time, it leaves little room for brethren friends. My husband has mentioned he's in the same boat as well with little friends. We decided that we are going to take this time, while the kids still like us and focus on them. Adult friends float in and out and we have "aquantances" at each kids event we talk to, but we hope that once the kids are grown and we are older and more settled, that's when we will develop and seek out good long lasting friends. HOpe this helps!

A.,

I came here 27 years ago with my husband and did not know a soul. I left my whole family and friends behind, eventhough we still write, I had nobody to go out for coffee, shopping etc. except with my husband. I learned to make new friends and when later on we have kids, I volunteered in school, belong to volunteer organizations, and now I am very active in my church with our Women's Organization also. We do not go out every day, go shopping etc. but I have made friends along the way, talk on the phone, volunteer together and have Barbecues and dinners at each other's houses. I still have no one to go shopping with, but c'est la vie. I don't have time anyway. My advise to you, go to the park, talk to other Moms, join the PTA, in your Church and before you know it, you click with someone, then another one and then you have your circle of friends again. When you have kids, the world becomes you against them who have older kids or no kids anymore.

Good luck, G. Q.

I have 4 children two girs (14yrs & 18 mo), two boys (11 & 6 mo). I too am remarried.I have a full time job and in reading this I think maybe you should just take comfort in your family. you sound as busy as I am. Your friends may not be available because they are busy devoting their time to their families as well. This is what married w/ kids life is about. Rest assured your time will come. We all feel alone, harried, and even enslaved to mommy/wifely duties. You will have time for yourself. Hang in there!

I am single and I have noticed it over the last 5 years especially. I don't know if it is the internet or we are just busier, or it could be me. But I have less and less contact with people. I will check the responses on this because this is something I have been bringing up for years.

Hi, A., I will be your friend,I am a stay at home mom with a 6 year old,oh I also have a 32 year old,with kids of his own.I also dont have many friends,but seems I have a busy life, and talk to people where ever I go..but yes it would be nice to have a gal pal to get together with.my hubby is in the Nat. Guards and will most likley be deployed in Aug.so then I will be a single mom for awhile.

I know exactly what you are saying. I look around and think, "Where did all my friends go?" I honestly don't know how it happened, but it is depressing and makes me feel bad. I just can't figure out how to meet new people or I came across women that are so much younger than I am that we have nothing in common. I, too have always had a lot of friends and that makes it hard to feel so disconnected. Good luck to you because this is a problem that I can't find a solution for...

It's tough to keep friends who are not in your life stage. Maybe all your single mom friends dropped off b/c you're not one of them anymore. Just keep reaching out. What about fellow teachers? And if you can't connect with people at church, maybe the church is too big, too impersonal, and you need to change. Get the kids involved in the youth group and you will probably make friends with the parents. Pray for God to put people in your life who will be a blessing to you and you will be a blessing to them.

That sounds so frustrating! Does your church have a class for parents or that may have other couples with kids in the same age group? It may help to get to know others in the same stage of life, if that makes sense. My husband and I found ourselves in a similar situation, only we both had our own single friends from before we got married but didn't know any couples to hang out with. We found a class at our church for young married couples that has been awesome!

wow I feel the same way except I have just recently moved here but even before I felt like after I settled down I did not have any girlfriends.My husband tells me to make friends but I work full time and have 3 children 2 part time and 1 full time .It is not like when you were in school where it seemed like it was easy to make friends.I am new here and I am really trying but I have not been very sucsessfull but I know exactly how you feel.

I have never been good at making friends, and all of mine have moved away. We still talk on the phone, but not like we used to. Honestly my mom is my best friend. If I couldn't "escape" to her house every once in a while I would go crazy! :) Good luck making friends, maybe there are some relatives you could hang out with. I just started walking 3 times a week with my sister in law, and that has helped a lot too.

Hi there. Looks like you have alot of support by the responses here. Don't feel alone. I, too, am in the same boat as you. It seems life is not what it use to be. Neighbors don't seem to know each other anymore and everyone is so busy with their "stuff". There seems to be no time to just sit and have tea and talk....know what I mean? Women need to talk. It's part of our nature and what better way to get to know each other by talking over tea. Every morning after my kids go off to school I sit on my front porch (drink in hand) and enjoy the morning breeze and songs from the birds. I do this for about 30 minutes. One day my neighbor came over and joined me. I made her some tea and we talked.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you and you find some lady friends to chat.

You're not alone.

Take care.

Hi A.. I live in Sugar Land also. I have always made friends with my kids friends moms. During my first child's kindergarten years I met a wonderful group of moms while volunteering at school. We even went out with our husbands on some weekends. But I understand your kids are still a bit young for elementary school. I met a mom recently who logged onto "meetup.com" and she loves it. She is married with kids. It is family oriented. She lives in Katy and joined a group within meetup that goes to movies in her area. If she has time she will attend...no pressure. Just log on and see the meetup times and dates. She says there are many different activities or try to start something up in your area. I just found out about it last weekend and plan on logging on soon. Have fun!!!

W/today's busy lifestyles, it is easy to feel alone and isolated. I have felt like this a lot too. At my church, my pastor always says if you need a friend, you must be a friend. If you are pro-active, you will feel better too. While our husbands are supposed to be our friends, they can't replace a good girlfriend and we can't expect them to! Women need to relate w/other women. You'll be a better mom and wife if you do. Take some time for yourself to do this and DON'T feel guilty for it! Be pro-active and find some other ladies who share your interests that you enjoy being around.

You'll feel better when you take action!

OH! I forgot to mention that I have 4 sons!! My husband isn't sympathetic either! I do, however have 1 daughter and sometimes we HAVE to take girl time! LOL I identify w/you totally!

M.
Mom to 5 Wonderful Children
www.4MyChildrenSake.com
MOMs Helping MOMs Work From Home

Hi there A.,

It sounds like most women feel this way or at least have felt this way at some point. I'm no stranger to this either. It is REALLY frustrating when your pre-child or pre-marriage friends kind of dwindle down. I liked the idea of a book club. What about a "me night"? I try to take 1 night for myself and use that time to either have a date with my husband or catch up with a couple of friends over dinner (sometimes is via phone conversation); but it helps keep my sanity and it's good to be "me" that night instead of someone's wife or mother. I guess the key is to find some time for yourself and don't feel guilty about taking that time. Friendships are like marriages...it takes time, a little work, and compromise to succeed.

Best of luck!

Hi A.,
I think that a lot of mothers go through what you are going through. I have noticed over the years that I mainly talk to mothers that are my daughter's friend's mothers. And I mainly do this because we have a lot in common and we are usually at the same point in our lives. We usually aren't close friends but we do talk. My "close" friends from my pre child time in my life don't call very much and sometimes things can be awkward. We all seem to be in different stages in our lives so it makes it difficult to relate to one another. Of course we still have common interests from before but it is different now.
Maybe being remarried has made things slightly uncomfortable for your friends. Of course I can't speak for them but I have a "close" friend who has had marriage problems for years now and is finally going through a divorce. She has a boyfriend now and I am happy for her but she just doesn't call me anymore and even lied to me about moving out of her house that she shared with her husband and son. I stick by her and call her but she just doesn't get back with me and she doesn't make an effort to try to get together with me. I am at the point where I am just kind of ready to call it quits. she mentioned getting together today but she never bothered to call me yesterday like she said she would. I really don't know what her deal is but our friendship is falling apart. Our lives change and sometimes people have trouble dealing with change. I really don't know. In my case I have been the one really trying to save our friendship but I don't know if I can. I have two small children so are lives are so different right now. Anyways, I don't know if I helped at all but you will meet friends again. We are military so at times I feel like i have noone to talk to and then I turn around and have more people than I can handle to do things with. You will meet more friends so don't worry about that. I have learned to accept the current friendship with my old friends and I talk to them from time to time. we will always have our past and our memories and we will remain friends, it is still sad though to not share the closeness that we once had. Hope this helps.

Oh, gosh I just clicked to see where you lived and deleted the book I was writing you! So I guess that is my cue to shorten it up. While school is still in session, ask some Mothers of your students what activity groups there are. Bunko (a very easy and fun dice game) and book clubs are two fun activities to ask about. Ask how you can get involved, don't be shy.

During the summer, look for people outside your normal routine. Strike up conversations at the pool, go to a book store and talk with someone in a section that interests you. Ask the employees about local book clubs and how you can join. Look in the paper for adult education classes (cooking, wine tasting, art classes) do things you enjoy and find others who have the same interests. Meet one person, and you can meet their friends, their friends and their friends...

Host a Pampered Chef, Stamping up, or Tastefully simple party and invite your co-workers and neighbors that you don't know well. Tell them to bring a friend that the others may not know and call it a "social"

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND PEOPLE WHO YOU LIKE AND WHO HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS AS YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE MOVED GEOGRAPHICALLY FROM WHERE YOU ORIGINATED. I SHOULD KNOW, I AM A NEW YORKER IN TEXAS ABOUT TO MOVE TO JAPAN! Good luck to you, wish you were here, we all could use a good friend!

Hi A.,

Sorry if this is repetitive, but I didn't have time to peruse all of the responses you've already received. :) How about starting a monthly book club with your friends? It doesn't matter what stage in life anyone is in for something like that. I have a circle of friends that meets monthly to discuss a book (and other things!). We rotate hosting at our homes usually beginning at 8pm on a weeknight since the kids are in bed and it's just easier that way. We'll share some wine and appetizers and you get some escapism during the month as well. If you don't live near each other, maybe a coffee house will do. We generally keep the group small (no more than 6 gals) to minimize scheduling issues and to encourage everyone to be open and honest about the book we've read. Seems like if there are more members, it's harder to get together and folks can sometimes shy away about how they really felt about the book, etc.

We need our girlfriends in life. :)

Good luck!