Friend's Daughter Wants to Run off with Her Boyfriend

Can she get someone else (family friend she likes, minister she knows, former teacher/coach she admires, etc.) to talk to her daughter or do an intervention with the whole family? Might she be pregnant? Can she talk to the mother of this BF? Can she talk to the 2 of them together? What she doesn't want to do is corner this girl and make her feel even more defensive. Sounds like this will end badly but she may grow up out of this if mom can't stop it. She should try hard to maintain communication with her through this period, being very supportive and stating her unconditional love no matter what may come. This girl thinks she's running toward this kind of love so she needs to be reminded that she can find this at home. Presenting a compromise might be useful, like dropping out of college & moving home on a more adult basis than she had before, maybe getting a job & buying a car etc. Trying to postpone her moving away for 6 mos or a year & see if she'll agree to that.

If her daughter is that headstrong the more her parents fight it the faster she will run. She is an adult. It probably is wrong but have her mom let her know that they will be there for her. If not they may lose all contact with her. Some people will only learn things the hard way, and won't accept advice of parents.

I hope it works out for all of them.

M.

I have a feeling that she isn't going to like living with someone else's mother. Let her make the mistake and then have strong repercussions that follow (such as no more spending money, paying to live at home, whatever makes sense). She wants to be an adult - she will have to act like one.

I think this is an excellent opportunity for the girl to learn A LOT! She should certainly "run off" with the boyfriend (since she IS 19 -it's called moving) down here to Atlanta. Your friend should tell her to go, be happy, enjoy herself and get a great education in whatever it is she can afford. The girl will probably soon find out that it's expensive to pay rent, groceries, insurance, college tuition, etc. and making money for all of those things takes a lot of time away from hanging out with the boyfriend. If the boyfriend's mother is fine with supporting them, then that's her issue! The daughter may also find out that it's not so easy to just waltz into another state and register for classes at a college. She has to establish residency, get accepted, etc. Who knows -maybe she'll make it work and they'll get married, earn fabulous degrees and live happily ever after, but most likely she'll be back in Michigan before the snow melts.

your friend is right---her daughter has to make her own decisions now. All Mom can do is reassure the girl that she is her biggest cheerleader, no matter what, and she always will be there for her emotionally if things don't work out. That way, she won't be afraid to come to her mom when things don't work out, and they probably won't. She's already having sex with the guy, or she wouldn't go off with him, so your friend is basically helpless in this.

if she is doing poorly in college due to her immaturity it would be a good idea for her to wait a while to go to school anyway. What she most likely doesn't realize is that getting poor grades now will affect her in the future when she does become mature enough to want to do well in college. If she were my daughter I would allow her to take a semester or two off and "travel" with her boyfriend. I would have her know that she would have to completely take care of her self financially if she were no longer living with her mother, but that if she wants to come back, the house would be here waiting for her.
Sometimes headstrong kids need to figure things out for themselves and it is not worth messing up a college gpa that will haunt her forever over this.

Sounds like she needs to learn from her own mistakes. Let her go. Who do you think she's going to call when she's broke and that guy leaves her? Mom and Dad. THAT'S when the real decision making comes in. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Your friend can't legally stop her from going, so intead of being like 'NO!!', tell her to be like 'okay, buh-bye'... it will give her daughter something to think about. Her daughter needs to know the rammifications of her actions... mom and dad will NOT help her pay her way through life, because this is HER decision to leave. Once she's truly hit rock bottom, then maybe mom and dad can step in... but not recover for her.

I was 'that kid'. I was out of the house by the time I was 16. I made a lot of reckless, irresponsible decisions, and my relationship with my parents was awful... but there were still times when I wish I was still welcome in their home (at the time)... they had made it very clear that once I left, that was it. It was very hard, but I learned VERY fast. I matured more before my 18th birthday than anyone else I know. When I finally got my head screwed back on straight and started my own family, I was able to mend that broken relationship with my parents. Time will heal this, but only if they walk on eggshells now. This girl wants to flaunt her independance... let her. If she falls on her face, her parents can give her a hand up... but it's not their responsiblility to pick up the pieces for her.

I always told myself (and still do), that if I see my own kids making the same stupid mistakes I made, I would let them learn on their own. One day, all the advice you've ever given a child will click, when they're mature enough to understand it themselves (this didn't click for me until my first child was born)... Everything happens for a reason, and this may be the reality kick this girl needs. I say let her go.

I have three adult children. It all comes down to the fact that we as parents try to do our best to raise our children well. Once they turn 18 it is time to let go and hope the values that we taught them will remain somewhere inside of them and the memory of our voices prevail at some point in time. The more we tell them what's not right for them, the more they fight against us.
My oldest son, at the age of 22, met and married a pregnant prostitute. They were "in love". He didn't want to face the fact of who she really was. He left her a few times and went back. After 2 1/2 years he left her for good.
My son is now 27, engaged to a wonderful girl (who has two kids of her own) and are expecting a baby in July.
There have been many ups and downs with all my children but I try to keep things to myself and let them be who they are. They, overall, are doing well.

Even if you told your 19 year old daughter that she can not go, you could not stop her. She is an adult, even if she is not as mature as she should be. I agree with her mom, let her make her own mistakes, but I would be sure to let her know that the door is always open if she needs to return, for any reason. We raise our kids the best we can, once they are 18 it is time for them to fly in their own direction, even it it is not the direction we would have chosen for them.

Though she may not act like it, she is an adult. Her mom has to respect that fact.

If she were my daughter - as much as it would break my heart - I would not enable this behavior in any manner. I would drop the charade of college. I would let her know that adults make their own decisions, and that the flip side to that coin is that they pay their own way.

I would be loving but firm.

I have two teens (16 & 13) and they already know this is the way it works at our house. I'm about as nutty as it gets when it comes to my kids, but imho you actually hurt your children when you enable bad decision making.

Good luck - my heart goes out to her.

I feel like your friend in this case. I say, let her learn on her own. As long as this 19yr old KNOWS she will get no financial help if/when she leaves... The only way she'll get help is by staying at home.

Let her make her mistake and encourage your friend to NOT save her from the consequences when she hits rock bottom. Be loving, be empathetic, but no rescuing or she'll never learn. Tough love is hard, but it's the best teacher. She can try to control her, but at this age it will only cause damage and she can't make her do anything. I just hope she doesn't get pregnant, because then there's an innocent victim in all of this and complicates things.

Sad to say, but let her fall. Let her call, but DO NOT SEND MONEY, unless it's in the form of a one-way ticket home ALONE.

Coddling and enabling her is NOT the way to allow her to grow up. The mom should say that she disapproves of this move and is worried about her safety and playing house with someone can get her pregnant. I would tell my daughter that I love her no matter what. I will always love her, even if I do not love her decisions.

At 16, I had bought my own car, had a job, paid for my own gas, car insurance, spending money, etc. I never asked my parents for money - ever. They are both doctors and could have given me everything, but thankfully, they didn't.

Once I got into college, I could live with them rent-free if my grades were above a C. If I dipped below to a C, then I owed then back rent. I also held down a job the entire time.

Once I entered grad school, I paid for EVERYTHING. Everyone assumed I was getting Mommy and Daddy's money, but in reality, I got a $100 check for my birthdays which my mom said HAD to be spent on something fun. Other "kids" left their A/C on all day and came back to a cool apartment. I kept mine off all day, used a fan as much as possible and turned on the A/C when necessary. I paid my own bills and am SOOOOO grateful for what they taught me.

I also never got pregnant, never got into debt, and I never lived with anyone until just before I got married. We did live with his parents for 8 months while our place was being renovated before we got married and moved in and it was AWFUL. They are nice people, but it was way too hard...and he begged me to stay as I was leaving him. I couldn't live with his parents. I did write them a "rent" check each month for $500 to help with utilities, etc. (I stayed and we've been married almost 10 years, but I was 27, NOT 19.)

Like all birds, she must fly away from the nest and some do crash.

The sooner the 19 yr. old lives with her own choices and the natural consequences of those poor choices, the sooner she will grow up and realize what supportive parents she once had. Parents who wanted what is best for her. Parents who will love her through thick and thin, but not be pulled into a cycle of this erratic and immature decision making.

Her parents need to start treating her like an adult with expectations in line with that. And they need to communicate clearly what types of financial and future support considerations they are willing to foot the bill for. For most adults, it is nothing.

So many parents get trapped in continuing to support adult children as if they are buying their child's loyalty. They need to stop support that is naturally given to a dependent child who is following the rules of the household.

This 19 yr old you describe is clearly not making wise choices for her future and is uber dependent upon a boy. She needs to live with these poor choices to fully get it.

She is legally an adult so there isn't really anyway to stop her. I believe in natural consequences. Who knows, maybe everything will work out and she will find a great job and she will be with this boyfriend for a really long time. But, maybe she won't find work, won't go to school, and won't be with the boyfriend for long. Either way, it's her mistake or success to make.

You have gotten some really sound advice already. I just wanted to let you know I have a friend that went thru this with her son at 18 years old. He knew everything and could do it all on his own. Flunked out after 2 semesters in college. Offer was made to him to come home, go to school, they would support him. But he wanted to live with his girlfriend and still thuoght he knew better than his parents. So they said ok you are on your own, no more financial support of any kind from us but our door is always open. Less than 2 years later he has done some major growing up, got himself enrolled back in school, figured out delivering pizzas isn't gonna cut it, he is paying for his own schooling and has goals. It was awful for his parents at the time but now they all get along great. Some kids have to learn at the school of hard knocks. There is hope for your friend's daughter, but I would strongly suggest they do get her on bc if she's not on it already.

I think your friend is right. Most likely this is a lesson she will learn quickly.

19 is grown and wether we like it or not, miss 19 is free to live her life for herself. It is her life to live. As parents and friends our role for the 19 year old is to be there to pick up the pieces when this all falls apart.

Keeping an open line of communication is very important because she may find herself in a dangerous situation. So we never want to intentionally say or do anything to close the door of communication.

As for your friend, she knows her daughter best and her daughter is approaching the terrible 20's. The 20 somethings, know everything and make some bad decisions but more often than not they learn from their mistakes. Fortunately 30 comes quickly.

Listening and loving is key here. Your friend will need a listening ear from you and her daughter will need her mother to listen and treat her more like an adult by letting her live with her decisions even if she doesn't agree with them. Doing it this way will quickly resolve this situation and better times can come ahead faster than interfering or making demands on another adult. Prayer works too.

Well I think its time for some tough love. I think I would let my daughter know that I love her and the reason I advise against it is for that reason alone and make sure she understands and knows that if she is ever in a situation where she wants mom-mom will be there BUT she claims she is a "woman" then let her be. Let her put her big girl panties on and see just how difficult it can be out there in the "real" world. Also she needs to advise her daughter to get put on some birth control pills because to think she isn't doing anything is niave. Otherwise a few months from now she can expect a phone call from her daughter in tears saying she is pregnant and not only will she have to take her daughter back in but also a grandchild and I bet the boyfriend will be long gone-she "might" get lucky and none of this happen to her but statistically speaking um she can expect it. There is nothing she can do or say at this point to change her daughter's mind-this is one she is going to have to let her learn on her own even though she may not want to. Tell her you will pray for her daughter every day-its the only thing that will keep her safe at this point since her daughter has chose to act foolishly as a child would act. Yes she is 19 and yes an "adult" by means of society but her mother knows her best yet there is nothing more she can do other than to sit back and pray. She does not have to give into the woes of her choices though and make that very clear that the gravy train stops as soon as she steps off from college campus. She is a big girl now so let her figure it out. It might sound cold-hearted and mean but this is the way it "used" to get done and I bet every single one could look back and say You know what I hated my parents for it at the time but now I respect them for it.

Technically, there is very little she can do. I would suggest that she ask her daughter to meet her somewhere for a cup of coffee and talk- not to judge or beg, but to simply express her concerns and the parameters.

My parameters (if it were my child would likely be):
- First, we do not agree with your decision b/c I am concerned that you have not thought about the long-term implications of moving far from home and transferring schools
- We will pay tuition for school if you can document that you are enrolled AND attending (i.e. permission to contact faculty members)
- We will not financially support you unless you are living at home or in a dorm
- You can ALWAYS come home... no exceptions. This is a big one- she needs to know that it's okay to have an "Oh s*$&- what did I do?" revelation and come home without significant consequences.

Aside from expressing their concerns and withholding $$$ there is not much they can do!

I say let her go, it my be good for her to help her to grow up. Tell your friend to calm down, keep talking to her daughter so she doesn't push her any farther away.

Let the girl make her own mistakes as she is 19. The best way to learn is through experience good and bad. Your opinion is just that. Remember you cannot control another person's actions. So be there for your friend and that is that. If asked for comments offer if not don't.

The daughter is on her own and flying out of the nest for good or bad reasons but leaving. Living with other people and their family may make her appreciate her mom somewhere down the line. We can't shelter our children forever. The best of luck to both mom and daughter.

The other S.

what my mom did..........let me go and learn from my mistakes....the relationship lasted a whole 2 years after i left, was with child after the fact and STILL (10 years later) have consequences for not listening to mom in the first place-putting up with the bs i saw then but ignored.

she's 19, mom cant' stop her, but she can cut all financial resources that mom provides...i'd strongly tell her to consider what she's willing to pay for if daughter leaves and sit and gently but firmly tell daughter...you go, so will this.

who doesn't want to live on their own and see the world at 19? maybe suggest to mom to offer daughter some ways to live alone, move to atlanta if that's where she REALLY wants to go and find her own place and still attend college, and maybe still give SOME financial support, but if bf is there living or over nights (what ever her terms are) then this is what will be stopped

This is tough, but your friend is right. There is no way she can force her daughter to stay and go to school. The girl will have to learn to have independence or will get tired of her boyfriend's mother driving her everywhere. When/if she and the boyfriend break up, she'll have to figure out something else.

If I were her mother, I would be sure to tell her I am disappointed in her actions, since she has already been doing poorly in school. That I feel like this man is a distraction to her college education, which is most important at this point, and remind her that she can still be in a relationship, so long as she also takes care of important things in life as well. I would give her motherly advice to please be careful sexually so she doesn't' end up pregnant in this rough time. I would also remind her that she should try to do excel in school, and get a job so she won't be mooching off of this family. Then I would say, I know she can have a bright future ahead of her, but she has to work for it. Then I would tell her I love her and to call me anytime.

I would advocate for pleading with daughter not to do this (sounds like mom has done this already). But you can't force her to stay because she is no longer a minor.

Definitely the parents should not support her financially anymore, nor should they rescue her from consequences she faces - unless she's willing to leave this guy and return to her parents home under their house rules. Its easy to get into a situation of supporting and enabling her by begging/pleading/bargaining with her to not just leave with him.

The thing is you can't control her, other then the money you send her. She's at an age where she has to decide if she's going to work with her parent's system, or run off with a guy and live in a fantasy world. Most likely she'll wake up from this dream and realize that life with his mom is going to have rules too. He's not perfect, and this dream world isn't going to work out well. If she's going to continue with school she's going to have to pay for it herself. That might just make her value her education enough to actually study. Right now it doesn't seem like her parents have much control over her, she wasn't studying and dating a looser. She might just need to let the hard knocks of life teach her what it takes, and perhaps value her parents and their rules.

I won't deny this is tough, and not in her best interest. But since she's a legal adult, there are not a lot of options. Parents need to give her good counsel about what this decision's consequences will bring. Be there to pick her up when she falls (because it will happen), and give her emotional support.

Best wishes!

While it must be hard to "let her go".... the mother really doesn't have a choice. The daughter is 19yrs old and is LEGALLY an adult. Mom and dad don't have a say in what she does anymore. While they can always give their opinion and hope she listens, they can't MAKE her stay. I would have to agree, that this is just one of those things that the daughter is going to have to "learn the hard way". Most likely the daughter will be calling her mom in a few weeks or months asking for help and needing money to get home (hopefully not, but most likely). All mom can do is be there for her when the daughter realizes that this was a mistake. It's not always easy being mom. I wish them the best of luck!