Friend Put a Sticker on the Back of My Van

I love bumper stickers but I prefer to choose my own.
Not everyone shares my love of vehicular literary decor. I would never put one on someone else's vehicle without their permission.
Being depressed is no excuse for failing to respect another person's property.

Geez!
I would have had to use the defibrillator paddles on MY husband. 😁

Personally, I wouldn't say anything at all unless she notices it.
If she asks say "Oh! Bob won't have stickers on the cars. Resale, you know!"

I'd have been pissed off and probably wouldn't have been able to hold it in. I'd let her know hubby was very upset and had it removed right away.

Curiosity is killing me over here...what did the sticker say??

Oh Lord, if someone put any kind of sticker or anything on my car I would be irate.... friend, family or whomever.

My car is my personal property and I view someone doing this without my permission as vandalism. SO NOT a
sweet gesture" . Call me crazy but I would be livid and the person who did it would know exactly how I feel then and there.

I am very protective of my car and keep it in perfect shape all the time. I would be visiting my dealer to get the sticker removed and the person who put it on my car would be praying that it comes off with no damage.

Fighting depression or not, she needs to respect boundaries.

If she asks about it, just say "oh my husband took it off. We don't put bumper stickers on our cars".

*I* would have flipped out. No, NOT a "sweet gesture." An oblivious and weird gesture. Does she see any OTHER stickers on your vehicles? Nope. So why on Earth would she think it's acceptable to put a sticker on your property?

Boundaries are important. I wouldn't say that my husband didn't like it and removed it. I would have said right there, "Honey, what are you thinking? You don't put stickers on people's cars without asking. We don't like stickers on our cars and now I'm going to have to take that off."

Don't let her villanize your husband, and don't use him as a scapegoat.

She should never have put it on for you. She should have given it to you to choose what to do with it. If it comes up, tell her your household doesn't put stickers on your cars and please don't do that again. I wouldn't even mention your DH because she was itching to tick him off. If she gets upset, remember you are not asking anything that is unreasonable and she needs to accept that. Her telling you that your DH should kiss her @$$ if he doesn't like it is unnecessarily antagonistic. I wouldn't sugar coat it as a "sweet gesture" because it wasn't.

I would have flipped because I HATE stickers on my car. She vandalized your car. I'm sorry she has anxiety but that doesn't give her the right to do that to other people's property. She crossed it big time.

What do you say to her? I wouldn't say anything. If she asks I would say "Bob doesn't like stickers on our cars and neither do I. Don't do it again." If she gets upset so be it. That is on her.

I would not have taken that as a sweet gesture. I would have been pissed.

Like others, I'm a bit curious about what the bumper sticker said.

But it doesn't matter what it said - no, she should not have done this. It doesn't matter about her past history of depression. And look, she knew there would be a problem because she really rushed your visit to be sure she was there so she could put the sticker on before you hit the road. That way more people would see it.

She tried to make it an "honor" - because you are "family" and all that, but it was a bit of a power play. Maybe she feels powerless in the rest of her life, maybe she thought you would say no, who knows?

I would tell the truth if she asks. I wouldn't blame it on my husband, frankly - I'd say, "You know, I was uncomfortable from the get-go but I was so absolutely shocked that anyone would decorate my car without asking, I held back my feelings. I'm not a bumper sticker person, and if I were, I would still want to make the choice of which stickers to display. I understand this cause is important to you, but I'm not interested in a sticker."

I do put bumper stickers on my car, but I sure as hell would be ticked off if anyone was that presumptuous, even if the sticker was from an organization or a political candidate I endorse. Everyone I know sends out emails saying "We have bumper stickers available, let us know if you want one and whether you can pick it up or want us to drop it off."

Oh my gosh - I would have FLIPPED out if somebody stuck an unsolicited sticker on my vehicle. That can damage your paint, and cars aren't cheap.

I wouldn't care what she thought, and I tend to be easy going.

I think you should own your opinions, and not make your husband out to be the bad guy here. If she comments that it's not there next time you visit, you should say exactly what you wrote above "It was a sweet gesture, but I don't like stickers on my vehicle." (emphasis on "I")

Blaming your husband is a cop out. And none of this has anything to do with her anxiety, etc, so no need to bring that into it.

If someone put a sticker on my car I would be pissed. I would have a bigger problem though at her attitude towards my husband's disapproval of it. She needs to respect you and your husband and she isn't.

Updated

If someone put a sticker on my car I would be pissed. I would have a bigger problem though at her attitude towards my husband's disapproval of it. She needs to respect you and your husband and she isn't.

Despite whatever personal, medical, and psychological problems your cousin may have, it is absolutely inappropriate to place stickers on another person's vehicle. It is NOT nice to disrespect other people's property.

She is completely out of line in doing this. Your vehicle is your property, and you don't have to explain it to her or feel guilty for telling her not to do this again.

"We don't put stickers on our cars. Please respect us and do not do that again," is all you have to say. You don't need to say why. Don't get into any back and forth. Whatever reasons you give just gives her reasons to debate with you or get angry.

Don't worry about how she will feel. She is responsible for her feelings, not you.

It is very sad that she lost her mother, and everyone can feel for her for that. However, that does not give her a pass on this grossly inappropriate behavior.

Not just with the sticker incident, but with the other things you wrote, it really sounds like she needs therapy.

Stick to your message and don't feel guilty.

J. F.

Well ... I guess her intentions were good, but this was very inappropriate. I am guessing no one else has stood up to her and maybe they all acted like this was such a kind gesture.

Regardless - it's wrong. I agree with you and all the moms below.

And I agree with all the moms who pointed out that having anxiety and health issues does not grant a person the right to overstep boundaries.

I have an in-law who is similar. Feels she has the right to overstep because she has issues. Yes, I am the meanie who doesn't allow her to. The thing is, I know I'm not a meanie. I have the right to say no when it concerns me. As long as you are polite and just say something like "thanks, but that's not for me" (which is what I have learned to say - repeat it a few times, it gets easier) - you're not a bad person. Or friend.

If she gets offended, that's her problem.

If you mention your husband, her animosity will grow towards your husband. I would just say "we prefer to not have stickers on our car" if she notices.

Good luck :)

Honey, everyone on this forum and in their right mind is correct, that choice was inappropriate for normal functioning adults.

But you have already described a woman who is clearly not functioning on par with normal adult behavior. So cut her some slack, glad you removed the sticker, don't mention it ever again. IF she brings it up say it got ruined in the automatic car wash or something not too personal. But don't blame your husband. That would be two odd behaviors.

I sooooo want to know what the sticker is though? Please tell....was it a support mental health / depression / cancer sticker??

Honestly, I think telling her the truth, if you must do so, please do so kindly. Not in a revenge filled way. Be careful with your words with this one. She's not operating on all pistons. Perhaps your husband will get that analogy too.

I would not mention the sticker to her unless she asks (just because of her situations); however, if she asks I would tell her "We took it off our BRAND NEW van because we don't want stickers on it. We do appreciate you thinking of us as family though".

BTW...what is this sticker that she puts on everyone's vehicles?

My husband would have FLIPPED OUT. He is very particular about our cars and won't even let the dealer where we buy the car put their logo on it.

Tell her she's welcome to put stickers on her own cars but she should stay away from those belonging to other people.

I think you are doing her no favors by letting her think this was an okay thing to do. It is never okay to put something that can not be easily removed onto someone else's belongings. It would be different had it been a magnet that could be easily removed, but a sticker? That is very rude. I would let her know that your husband removed it and that in the future she may want to ask people before she puts hard to remove items onto their belongings.

And this is coming from someone who loves bumper stickers, I have several on my car, but I would be very pissed if someone put one on without my permission.

I'm really curious to know what it said, although I know that's not the point of the story. You have it exactly right - tell her that your husband didn't like it and took it off. That should be the end of the discussion. You must be pretty close if she felt comfortable doing that, on the other hand, how close can you be if she didn't realize you don't put stickers on your vehicles? It was thoughtless of her. Try not to stress about her feelings on the matter. I know you're trying to be kind, but sorry, she was rude and she can deal with the consequences. I find sometimes people with lots of major health issues can start to feel somewhat self-involved. Not to be mean I've just noticed that. This is life. She can deal. Good luck.

We don't put stickers on our cars. The car we have now isn't remotely new or pretty, but we just don't do stickers/decals of any kind.

I wouldn't bother to mention it to her. Since she doesn't get out much she will probably never notice it. If she does, then simply tell her "We don't like stickers on the car." which keeps it really impersonal.

It is in no way acceptable to deface someone else's property without their permission. Technically it is vandalism.

It is your and your husband's property and you get to choose what is done with it. You don't owe her an explanation about the removal. There's no need to bring it up to her. If she notices it's gone you can either ignore any questions, or say "we didn't want any stickers on our new car" and leave it at that.

I would tell her that in the future she needs to ask before defacing your property.

on my rusty truck or banged up old car thats missing a window no big deal the sticker wouldn't be a problem. but on a brand new vehicle i would of flipped my lid right there in front of her. my dad taught me to care for my car. if its not rusty it needs to be cared for and stickers can mar the paint job.
dh and i are talking about getting a newer vehicle and i know if it has no rist and no scratches then he would also be mad about a sticker on it.
it does not matter what, your friend should of asked first. mental probems or not. she should of asked

I don't know what kind of sticker it was, and frankly, I don't even care. That's totally inappropriate. You don't deface someone else's property. She may not consider it defacement, but she likes the sticker and likes them on her vehicles apparently. I don't. Apparently you and your husband don't either. It's WAY presumptuous.
If she wanted to be truly nice, she would have given you the sticker and let you choose IF and where you wanted to put it. That's what a generous gesture would have looked like.

I don't put stickers on my vehicles, neither does my husband. The mandatory parking stickers for work, state park annual pass admissions, etc.. that's it. Not even "My kid is an Honor Student" stickers or Band or sports decals. Nothing. I don't like to "advertise" on my car, I don't like giving personal information about myself on my car (those stick figure families), and I don't EVER want to have to deal with removing the glue from the leftover of someone else's sticker. Ugh.
RUDE. BEyond RUDE.

I would not read too much into this. This seems more thoughtless and impulsive than anything else. And the "kiss my a**" comment could have been rude and mean but it could instead have been impulsive or even a very bad attempt at awkward humor because she suddenly was told that your husband wouldn't like it (her mind was on pleasing you, not on passing muster with him, so she probably flubbed her response).

I think it's important to note that you took a lot of care to let us know about her depression, anxiety and multiple surgeries, so I think you are inclined to tread gently over this issue with the sticker, and I would do the same. Yes, it was intrusive and inappropriate and should never have happened. She was wrong. But you can choose to be pissed at her or take the high road and shrug it off as an act by someone who might not "get" why it's intrusive. Why wouldn't she get that? Depression, anxiety, repeated medical issues can make a person at least temporarily lose some of the "filter" that helps us think before we act, and helps us stop a minute and say, "Wait, maybe I should just hand her the sticker." Maybe there's no excuse for what she did but that is at least an explanation. If she's a very emotional person, with all the things she has going on in her life and her body, she wasn't thinking when she did this, so it wasn't some intentional slight or attempt to manipulate you. You said it yourself--she thought she was doing something nice. She was wrong, but you can choose to respond with being pissed or letting it go.

(Added: I'm not saying she gets a pass on inappropriate behavior because of being depressed etc., but I also think this is not, as the saying goes, "a hill to die on"--or a reason to push her away with some big announcement of how wrong she was. The sticker's gone. If she gets persistent about trying to replace it again or wants to argue about it, that's different, and I'd distract and divert if that happens. But in itself, I'd let the sticker issue go, unless it's part of some larger pattern of her overstepping boundaries, and you don't say there's such a pattern.)

I would not make some statement to her about it or announce that the sticker was removed. I would just say nothing and if she notices the sticker is gone and comments on it, just say, "Oh, Husband removed it since he didn't want any stickers on the new van." Then divert her to another topic. If she wants to argue about it, don't engage at all, just say thanks for saying you feel so close to me.

If the sticker made some statement that is political or religious etc. and she starts to say "You disagree with me" and get upset, I'd repeat that this is about ANY sticker on the new vehicle and not about content one way or the other. I wouldn't get into any discussion of the sticker's content with her. If it's some innocent thing like, oh, a "stick figure family" and she meant it to convey that you're all one big family, thank her for the sentiment.

I would have been livid. I really would hate to have a sticker on my car. It is very hard to understand why your cousin thought this was a good idea. I'm glad it came off though.

Tell her the truth. Your husband did not like the sticker and removed it and tell her, "Please do not put anymore stickers on our vehicles." If she does, I would not be visiting her. You could get her for vandalism of your personal property. The next person may not be as nice about it and file a police complaint.

I hope she gets the help she needs. I am also sorry for her loss.

the other S.

Tell her the truth!
I wouldn't of been able to hide my dislike, hopefully I would have been able to reassure her that I was thankful of her thinking of me like that but I would have immediately told her Inwas upset. I HATE HATE HATE stickers on my car! Always have! It's great if you feel the need to decorate your car but my car is MINE to do with as I wish!

I'm glad it came off and hope it wasn't too much of a mess to take care of. People baffle me!?! Gosh I'd be pissed! You said it was your new car, unbelievable!

I would have given her the look and told her to slow her roll when she told me if my husband didn't like it he could....UGH! Why are there people like this? I mean really. Come on now.

~In general, People like this are not my favorite I will confess, we are not all the same & when you live in a bubble where you think everyone likes what you like (& if they don't they can kiss your a$$! Get a grip!!!) you are just plain stupid and oblivious to the true world around you & it's not a pretty look!

Sometimes it is really surprising how different people are with respect to certain things - like putting stickers on someone else's vehicles. Who does that?

I would not bring it up, but if she sees that it's missing, just say that you don't like to have stickers on your cars, but appreciate the sentiment. Someone once said that just because someone gets upset with you doesn't mean that you did something wrong. What she did was wrong, and the statement towards your husband was also wrong.

You should tell her. I hate stickers too. I refuse to have them. I had a prolifer try to put one on my car. I told her I didn't support her views but putting stickers on a car is like advertising. If you want to use my car for advertisement pay me. Of course she walked away. I tell people I don't advertise causes, political views or ideas unless you plan to pay me. Don't feel bad for sticking up to what you believe in.

i also would not bring it up.

At first when you said she wanted to do it for you because you were family i mistakenly thought she put the removable stick people decals on your car, and while i get that you don't want to upset an unstable person i was having trouble figuring out the big deal about it.

since she doesnt' go out much i think you can just avoid the whole thing and not mention it.

depending on what the sticker was political, religious or whatever it was i do think you might need to be careful if she found out you removed it and be careful with your wording, that you prefer to live your life in what ever manner, republican, bisexual, catholic rainbows, anti cancer whatever instead of having it on your car. but by aknowledging her passion for what ever the sticker represents that might help her to see you care about her with out having it on your car.

If she really wants to share a message and have the family help in sharing then she should consider finding magnets for the back of the vehicles and ask first, this way they can be easily removed.

I find it rude, but I would not be nasty about it. Just explain that you don’t want anything stuck on your car, It will lower the value.

She is likely not thinking clearly. So sad. Hopefully she is getting some help.

Yes, I agree. Tell her the truth. We don't normally use bumper stickers and so "we" removed it...hey, those pants fit great and Johnny loved them!!

you don't just put a sticker on another person's property, I don't understand what the sticker was that it meant so much to her... odd

I don't like to make waves usually. :) I think I would tell her the truth, as you said you will. However, if she seems truly hurt or upset, perhaps you can suggest getting another sticker and using tape or some other adhesive and tape it to the inside of a window facing out? This way, it will still be visible and on the van, but you can remove it whenever you need/want to.

I agree with Julie.. she should get professional help.

Wow. Just wow. Not a good idea. I can't stand putting on the required vehicle stickers from the village on our. Very difficult to get rid of the adhesive. Plus you have paint in y our case to deal with. I think simply not discussing it is the best idea. It is off. And if she asks, just say hubby removed it. End of story.

I wouldn't talk to her about it at all. This is very strange and there is nothing that you can do about it.

I won't even put stickers for my alma mater or those "My child is an honor student" on my cars. I don't blame you.

If you can drive a different car on the days you visit her, do that instead of taking your van.