Friend Problem

Because he is in high school, I would honestly discourage you from taking action yourself. You can give your son advice, but don't talk to the friend for him. By that age, they need to learn to dieal with situations on their own. If I were advising your son on this situation, I would tell him that he has three choices: accept the kid as he is, tell the kid that his copy-cat behavior is bothering him, or drop him as a friend... let your son decide where to take it from there.

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Hi C.,
I had the same problem when I was in Jr. High and the beginning of high school. What made the situation really hard was the fact that my mom was very good friends with her mom. What my mom told me was, "I know that you guys have been friends for a long time and you don't want to hurt her, but you are allowed to move on. Find new people to hang out with. Don't be unkind to her, but you don't have to be her best friend either."
We slowly grew apart and eventually she found other people to copy. When she would call to see if we could hang out I would just tell her "no". I did try to at least say yes once a month because I didn't want to burn any bridges.
In the end, she found her nitche and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding.
You are right to tell your son that it is a form of flattery. But, I understand the frustration on a teenager not wanting their friend to copy everything and especially not if they are trying to be better at it. It almost sounds like his friend may be a little jealous (I don't know of what...) and wants to prove that he can do something better than your son. If that's the case, your son really does need to find new people to spend his time with. Just remind him to be kind and honest. Even if his friend is hurt now, he will respect him later.

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I have a daughter also in 9th grade. That age can go thru
some pretty frustrating things. Could the friend maybe feeling that he has to compete so hard to fit in with the crowd, or maybe the friend sees the relationship between you and your son and feels that in order to have the same relationship with his parents, he has to succeed in all the things your son does. Maybe just understanding what the friend is going thru your son might not be bothered by the competitive spirit.

When my son was that age he didn't share alot with me about his friends, but my daughter, all her friends call me mom.

Hi Chris,

I had a friend who copied everything I did up onto getting married. We ultimately lost friendship. Having a friend copy you is like wearing a wet suit. It is irritating. But my sister had a interesting take on it. She said be flattered that you are the bar that someone has set for a standard for their life. Once I looked at it that way, I realized how much control I had over her life. I would tell her I did crazy stuff just to mess with herand guess what?- She would go out and do it too. I realized that this was a person with low self esteem and no originality.

Think of it this way, you have originality to spare. Give her a little. If you don't want to, just keep your son's stuff a secret and know that what you share will be copied.

Good luck

Since your son is in the 9th grade, he will probably have to work it out himself. He and his friend may part ways. I agree with what you told your son. It is probably a form of flattery and also a sign of insecurity. You never know what goes on behind closed doors at the friends house. Maybe they are always comparing him to others. Anyway, you may want to tell your son to keep his plans to himself and be a little more secretive. This way the friend won't always know what is coming next. Put your son in after school activities so he has less time with the friend. Good luck.

It sounds like my brother and I. He was always competing with me--easy to do since he is 1 year younger. Once we had different interests and social groups, it stopped (especially as we grew up). Your son and this "friend" need to separated somehow so the "friend" can find other ways of entertaining himself besides bothering your son.

I have a ninth grader, too. Your son is in a great position to be a leader. He has great influence this other young man. Tell your son you are proud of him for not being a follower. It's apparent that this other young boy lacks the self esteem to be himself, and copies your son because he admires him. Your son could have fun with it to see how far this young man is willing to go, but that could be mean.
Maybe have your son allow the other boy to make decisions. What does he want to do? You might be surprised that he copies because he can't decide for himself. Your son could be instrumental in teaching this other boy a valuable life lesson!

K.

You know this happens a lot in kids especially tenns. And there normally seems to be a bigger issue than just copying or trying to be better. I came across a very similar incident with my sons and it drove them crazy. They realized that for whatever reason the boys that were copying them or trying to compete with them always had to be reassured by people making him feel like he was ok, good at something, etc. My boys took theses other kids under thier wing and became really good friends with them and the better friends they became the less the competing and the copying happened because they felt secure in the frinship, so they didn't have to prove anything.
Hope that may help.

K. Haynes
The MOM Team
Moms Helping Others Work From Home
____@____.com
www.mykidsaremyeverything.com

The only thing I can think of is have the kids and parents sit down to a dinner or something and talk about how it is making your son feel. Maybe once it is in the open the other boy can find interrest of his own. I do agree with you it is a form of flattery. Maybe the other boy really just doesn't no what he likes to do and is trying to find his way threw your son. Who knows but the best way to solve it, I believe, is to talk to the boys together. In a positvie way of course.

Your son really needs to think about what he wants to do about it. He should try talk to the guy and let him know it bothers him and ask him why he does this all the time. And if this is not making your son happy then maybe the friendship does need to end.

My DD has a GF like that since the first grade! She noticed it as soon as her mom bought a bike exactly liked hers in the 3rd grade. It bothered her. If my dd would express she wanted something her gf's mother would run out and buy it for her dd so she could be first. It didn't bother me as much as it bothered my dd. I played it down. I was nonchalant about it when she told me about the copycat incidents as if I expected it to happen. (Sorta did)

Eventually by HS they had many different interests that they pursued separately. They each found their own niche. They are still friends and my DD does not hold anything against her. But guess what? The mom just bought a car like ours! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...now they are looking to buy a home in our neighborhood. It wouldn't surprise me if they bought our same model of home! LOL

My son had this same problem! He has always been a leader, a trend setter, and never a follower. Tell your son , that's the price he pays for being cool! Let him know that most of his other piers see that it is the other boy copying your son and not the other way around! Also it is a compliment that this boy admires your son so much that he wants to emulate him! my son is 22 now, but highschool is a tough time to try to fit in , and your son is helping the boy to fit in, or he could be really ugly and call him a "poser" (you know, posing as your son!) but of course the bigger thing would be to be nice to the boy and help him fit in! best of luck! the problems continue even out of highschool!

I have a friend that is going through the same thing. It is just a faze kids go through. Tell your son to concentrate on what he does for himself. If he is focused on the so called friend compeating with him then he is going to feel competitive also and less than, if he doesn't do better. If what your son is doing he enjoys and gets a good feeling about the fact that he did the best he could, that is all that is important. Do you have to be number one to feel good about yourself?? I think not. There has to be winners and losers, not everyone can be in first place, some winners do it graciously (truly deserving) and some winners do it to spite others for make them feel inferior (Not so deserving). But the friend might be trying to make himself feel better, because something else is lacking in HIS life. Sounds like your son probably has the support he needs and maybe the friend is a little jealous of that. Tell your son to keep the focus on the activity and the feeling that he gets out of doing a good job. Things usually work out in the end. He need only compeat with himself. Don't fall into a rivalry between them two. Their friends will change and they will grow out of it.

Hi C., My advise to your son is to stay away from his friend and his friend will realize he is missing a good friend. Maybe his friend found another friend that is telling him to do that to your son just to bully him. Tell your son to ignore what his friend is trying to do cause his friend either can't think for himself or he is just listening to other friends that may be jelouse of your son. Your son should think of it as flattering cause he is the one that does it first, his friend is just a copy cat. His friend will come around himself if your son ignores him. He will miss all the fun things they did together. Tell your son not to worry there are alot more friends out there, and if his friend really wants to be his friend he will change and tell your son he is sorry.

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round, but we don't have to be friends with all of them. As with many relationships, your son should tell his friend how he feels about it, but if that doesn't help he'll have to decide if there are enough good things about this friendship to make it worth keeping. If that's the only bad thing about this friend, though, I would advise him to keep it. Overlooking each others' weaknesses, and realizing that we have weaknesses that our friends overlook, is a big part of being a friend.
J.
Christian homeschool mom of three beautiful grown girls, one wonderful son-in-law, two terrific teens, and one rambunctious, first-class boy

sounds like the friend either a) just wants to be involved in the same things his friend is or b) is getting competitive with your son, neither of which are necessarily bad.

I would stay out of it and let them work it out on their own, your son is old enough that he should be able to deal with these kind of life issues himself if it really is an issue. I'm not saying don't be there for your son if he needs to talk, of course be there and offer your wisdom. But let him decide on his own how he will ultimately handle the situation.

Eventually he'll either tell his friend how he feels and they'll work it out, or he'll avoid it and be annoyed and end up letting go of the friendship, either way he learns a life lesson.

Sounds like they are more brothers than friends. It is normal for boys this age to be really competetive. My husband and his brother were only 12 months apart and were constantly battling on the baseball field or soccer field or wherever. It sounds like your son needs to branch off to find new friends...it sounds like this other boy needs to find something he is good at and stick to it. If you are really close to him and the family, I would help him find his niche. Once he has confidence that he is good at the one thing, then your son will be able to persue his own interests independent of his shadow.