February 20, 2008,
L.D. asks from Greenville, TX on February 19, 2008
Friend Has Boyfriend-- No Time for Her Friends Anymore....
Okay ladies -- I have a friend that I've had for about 11 years now-- she is one of my very best friends. She has gone through a couple of boyfriends lately and it's the same story each time. She doesn't have time for her friends. Granted we live 2 hours away from each other, but before boyfriends, we saw her all the time. Now I know that that time is going to cut down tremendously -- I remember dating my husband! I do, trust me. I wanted to be around him all the time, but I still made time for my friends.
My question is... how can I approach her with this without it sounding like I am jealous(because I'm not). I have a life, but I miss her and love her like a sister! I have approached her before and it seems to offend her. But I don't want her to be offended, I just want to spend time with her -- even if it's with her and him.
And I know that the not spending time with her friends is because she'd rather be with him and not him being controlling. She told me that basically. Please help-- I miss her!!!!!!!!!!!
T.C. answers from Dallas on February 20, 2008
I wouldn't discuss it with her in the way of telling her she's ignoring you. I don't think it'll do any good. But maybe it would work to approach it from a different angel. Give her dates that would work for them to come and visit you and try to schedule something with her. Adjust to the fact you'll probably see her less, but definitely try to keep seeing her! Hopefully she'll eagerly respond and want to come with her boyfriend and visit you.
T.D. answers from Dallas on February 20, 2008
Try double-dating or schedule a time with her a week in advance. Then you'll have something to look forward to and so will she.
If that doesn't work, maybe she needs a little time away from you to really appreciate you and realize she needs you as much as you need her.
M.F. answers from Dallas on February 19, 2008
Just call her up and tell her you miss her and that you'd like to catch up on life. Invite her to coffee. Ask her if there's a night or weekend afternoon when she doesn't have plans with Mr Wonderful would she like to go out for a drink...
Suggest a double date (be sure to get a sitter).
If she blows you off or cancels at the last minute, don't sweat it. And don't "stalk" her :-).
Being married and with a kid puts you in a totally different stage in life from where she is. She probably doesn't want to spend every minute talking about how wonderful your kid is, the cute thing she says, diapers, or how frustrating the toddler years are. She's free and single. No matter how much time you've been friends, that simply puts her a world apart for the daily ins and outs of life.
I've got friends like this too, and when Mr Wonderful moves on, she'll call you to cry/gripe about it and y'all will have good times again. Well, until the next guy comes along :-)
S.W. answers from Amarillo on February 19, 2008
You haven't said how old you are or your friend. You are married and she is not -- there is a difference. You have a husband and you should have friends that are mutual. Sometimes girlfriends fade away and new ones appear for a season. Yes, you miss her but she has made it clear that she is deeply into this guy and you will have to respect that. It hurts a lot but this too shall pass. Besides you have a child that needs you and that other time should be put into your family and growing and improving it. It is time for you to grow up and move on in life. Haven't you ever heard that when you get married your friends are the friends of your husband? Oh wow am I ever telling my age. Seek new women with similar interests to fill the void in your area as two hours can seem like a life time away. Good luck.
J.S. answers from Dallas on February 19, 2008
My mom is like this, so I know how you feel. Sorry to say, but it won't change. I've tried with my mom, but she ended getting engaged to someone one very quickly instead who will probably end up taking her money.
You have 2 choices:
1. Just go along with it & let her cry on your shoulder when he breaks up with her. Let the cycle keep going round & round.
2. Make a clean break.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
M.H. answers from Dallas on February 19, 2008
Here is my $.02....my best friend and I have been best friends for 20 years. She offered me a cookie in Biz Law class in the 10th grade and we've been like sisters ever since. :)
After college we did the singles thing together every weekend. I met my husband first. I remember when I was dating him she had feelings much like you described above. And while the time I spent with her and other friends cut down drastically - the reality is that I was falling in love and wanted to spend so much time with my hubby. Needless to say, our friendship changed a bit and she spent more time with other single friends as my relationship progressed with my husband. Then two years ago she met the man she would marry...we started 'double dating' and became quite close again. She just delivered her first baby (7 weeks after I delivered mine) and our bond has never been stronger.
My point - relationships change and can even fade in and out. Cut her some slack (right or wrong) as she is in a different phase of her life than you are. I doubt she loves you any less.
Good luck, I am sure you miss her as I know my friend missed me. Looking back I know I hurt her by not being there for her - thank God our friendship weathered that.