Foster/Adoptive Mom Issues with Birth Mom

I applaud you in that you were there for your nephew, if you had not been, you never know what he might have gone through. I do not think you are being to harsh, in that if your sister wanted her son she should have stepped up and taken reponsibilty whe she had him. God Bless you and your family.

T. C

Dear K.,
I am also a foster/adoptive mom. I feel for you because you definitely are in a tough situation, beings she is your sister. The state gives the biological parents plenty enough time and chances to straighten their lives up and if they don't, that is the choice that they have made. Your sister was well aware of what she did when she surrendered her parental rights and she knew that she no longer had rights to her child. The state fully makes them aware of this. I feel you are doing the right thing by keeping the child away because, it all boils down to what's in the best interest of the child and it's safety.

Good luck and God Bless. Remember, God will not give you more than you can handle. Your sister in time, will realize she did the right thing, that she in in no way is able to be a parent because she cannot make the right choices for herself much less someone else.

I am adoptive mom to two wonderful kids, 2 1/2 year old son and 9 month old daughter. I am a strong believer that once you adopt a child they are yours and the amount of contact you maintain with the birth family is totally at your discretion. We made the agreement with our son's birth mom that we would allow two visits a year as long as she was interested. So far it is going well, even through her having another baby. With our daughter we didn't make any visitation agreement, nor do I think we would have stuck to it if we had since she made some very bad decisions shortly before our daughter was born that could have caused her serious harm. Thank God it didn't! I know you're situation is different in that it is your sister you are dealing with but as far as looking out for the best interest of your son it is the same. If you allow her to see him and for him to get to know her you are opening him up to a world or hurt later on if she flakes out again. As far as her knowing what is going I have been extra careful until the adoption was finalized and then a little more willing to share info. Though with our daughter I have yet to share any info with her birth family, and I seriously doubt I ever will. And I would think our situation with her is much more comparable to your situation. Congratulations on your new addition to your family and your upcoming wedding and good luck with your sister!!!

This is a tough one.. and the answer is just as hard. It sounds like your sister has multiple issues and is not able to care for her son on many levels. But he will always be her son and she his mom even if she never completes the role and task that a mother does. Not all moms are good. But I applaud you for being there and extending yourself. And it is amazing that he will be raised by family and that you will become his mom as well. So now is the time to do what good mothers do and that is make sacrifices for your child. this little boy needs to know his birth mother as much as is possible on her part and then as much as he wants on his part as he ages. Keeping him away from her is just as much punishment for him as her. And children should not be placed in the middle, bargained with nor hurt by this. Not all mothers are good and not all people are fit to care for children. And i recognize what you said about the many opportunites she passed up to see him before. but you didn't say what may have been going on in her life and i presume it is drugs, alcohol,etc. Whatever it is... loving mothers just can't grasp that some people love thier children but still can't get it together and then it is the children who hurt. Anyway... do what you know is best in your heart...and in this i mean... WHATEVER YOU DO BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN TO HIM AS A TEEN AND ADULT WHAT YOU DID AND WHY WITHOUT LEAVING ANYTHING OUT.... AND IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK THE TRUTH ABOUT IT TO HIM WHEN HE IS GROWN & ASKS THEN YOU SHOULD BE DOING THINGS DIFFERENTLY NOW. Now as for her... she sounds manipulative and much like my sister who doesn't have her son.... so set huge boundaries.... that are strong and don't be confrontational but don't suck it up either... lay out where you will be for her to visit (NOT at your house) some mutual and public place. Don't leave your son unattended with her, give her a time limit as to how long you will be availabe for and don't adjust the time. So if you are availabe for her at mcdonald's from 5pm-7pm and she tells you she can't be there until 6pm the time still ends at 7pm. and if she is suppose to be there for 6 and she doesn't show on time then inform her ahead of time that you will not wait with him for more than half an hour. And try not to punish her when she does arrive. She will try to manipulate you for money and call her on this. Tell her you work very hard to support yourself and children and that she needs to get a job because you will not be giving any money to her ever so do not ask again. Be assertive not aggressive. And then let her miss seeing him... and do not go out of your way by cancelling your stuff to make it up to her. By doing all of this you will be less resentful, she will learn boundaries, he will get an oppurtunity to know his bio mom and most importantly you will sleep well knowing your sacrifices were to help foster healthy love for your child and then you can be honest with him. Oh and if things go the way they tend and have for my nephew... he will learn he doesn't like being around her and he now refuses her visits. PS keep her out of your home...meet in public places and the best of luck. i am praying for all of you. -mb

No you are not being too harsh. You baby is lucky to have a mom that will protect him! Does your child have an Attorney Ad Leitem? Or even a GAL (Guardian ad Leitem) or a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate). I work as a CASA in my state. I'm not sure how things work where you are, but I would advise you to talk to whoever you are closest to that can give you sound advice. I would think that the judge can have a say in these matters. Here in Arkansas, once a parents' rights are terminated they have absolutely NO right to the child. You could completely write her off and never tell her anything about the child until he's 18 (and can make his own decisions) if you wanted to. If she continues to cause problems, you may have to get a restraining order. I know this is hard because she isn't just some girl - she's your sister. Just keep in mind your reasoning behind it all. Maybe it will help. Let me know if you need any further advice. Good Luck!

You're not being too harsh. You have to do what is best for your son.
If your sister signed away her parental rights, then she should not be calling you about your son. Why is she asking you for money? If she is calling you non-stop, harassing you at work, etc., that is borderline stalking behavior. Notify the phone company and the police. You may even have to go so far as a restraining order. Your sister sounds like she is mentally unbalanced.
When she calls you at work, is it a direct number to you desk, or does it go through a third party? If it comes directly to you, ask your employer if you can have your number changed, and notify those who need to know it. If it goes through a third party, ask them to screen your calls and to not put her through. If she's tying up your employer's phone when customers/clients could be trying to call, your employer will be on your side.

First of all, God Bless You for opening your heart and home to this precious child. There needs to be more of you out there for all the abused and neglected children being born to irresponsible, drug or alchohol addicted egg donors. The fact is, she no longer has any legal rights to YOUR child. Parental rights terminated by the court are just that, TERMINATED. The only other factor to consider is if the father is known, have his rights also been terminated? That would be the only stumbling block in finalizing the adoption process. Otherwise, no amount of blustering, harrassing or threatening coming from your sister will have any effect on YOUR family other than being disconcerting to you, which I am sure it very much is. She is your sister after all, and I know you probably do still love her very much and always will. But you cannot allow her to be any influence in your son's life as long as she is a distructive factor to herself and those around her. It would be a hard thing to do to completely cut her off and have no contact, as I am sure you still worry about her, but once the adoption process is completed, for the sake of your piece of mind and the safety and sanity of your family, you may wish to consider relocating and "dropping off the radar" where she cannot contact you. I know it may be difficult if not impossible, as not everyone can afford to just up and move and start over. But if things get too difficult, you may wish to consider it, not to mention a restraining order against her. Best of luck and all my prayers for you!

I think you are a wonderful person for taking him in and adopting him but be careful cause it sounds like she may be doing drugs cause she is asking for money not just to see him and please just make sure that your work understands NOT TO GIVE ANY INFORMATION to HER or ANYONE else either and also watch when you leave work that no one is following you she could find out where you live that way,I take it that you have not finalized the adoption yet after you do then your have other ways to take care of this good luck

Hi K.,

I am 55-years-old and am currently helping my son raise my eight-year-old granddaughter. Her mother, who I love like my own child, has been an addict for the majority of teen and adult life. She left my granddaughter twice to live with a man. When she left this last time I have not allowed her to speak with my granddaughter on the telephone. I find it amazing that she believes she can just leave her child and call a week later and act as nothing has happened. My granddaughter's school called me because she has been "weepy" and falling asleep in class. They have recommended counseling which I have arranged. I will never forget holding my granddaughter like a baby as she cried the last time her mother left.

I understand the delicate balancing act you're going through. You love your sister but you know her son will have a better life living with you. You sister gave up her rights as a parent but she's trying to make you feel guilty. Guilt can be be a powerful emotion and is used by someone to get what they want. She's also trying to extort money out of you, I suspect for drugs. It is my personal opinion that she sees her son as simply a source of money. You feel guilty, you give her money. The problem is no matter how much money she receives it would never be enough. I don't believe she has any real maternal feelings or she wouldn't have been so quick to give up her rights.

You need to close off all sources of contact with her. Not only for your sake, but her son's sake, your child's sake and that of your fiance. I would notify your supervisor at work that you are receiving harrassing calls and let him/her tell your sister it is against company policy to receive personal calls. There is a law against harrassment and should she continue than I would file charges. I know it's hard to do because she is your sister and there is a personal bond between you two. In this situation, however, you need to look at what's best for you and your family. Your sister made her choices and she alone must deal with them.

It's good that she doesn't know where you live. I would continue to make sure she never discovers where you live. Changing your cell phone number was also a good move. Now just cut off her connection to you at work. And remember. Don't let her make you feel guilty. You have done a wonderful thing by choosing to adopt her son. Now he has a chance to have a good life and loving parents. He has a chance to realize his full potential. Sometimes the hardest choices we have to make in life deals with love. I wish you luck and much happiness.

Good morning, I was your sister, and stayed out of my children's lives for 27 yrs. b/c I had no life to offer them, or so I thought. In hindsight, children need as much love as allowed them and a person is better than their worse mistake. Pray for your sister and when this child is old enough to make up his own mind, he will make the right choice. I am now back in 2 of my 3 childrens lives, and 2 of them have kids of their own. We are trying to come to terms with the past through our faith in God and getting on with the future. I beleive your sister will come back to reality when and only when she is ready to honestly see what she has given up for her foolishness. Good luck and God Bless you and your nephew. KimP.

Did anyone sit down with your sister and talk with her about what it means to voluntarily terminate her parental rights? If so, it may be that the reality of her decision has just sunk in and she is doing all she can to find out information because that may be all she has to hold on to. She may be experiencing some feelings of guilt about the decisions she has made and is now reacting to her feelings. It would be helpful for her to be part of a birthmother support group, talk to a birthmother counselor, and read some books specifically written for birthmothers. Patricia Dischler and Kathleen Silbur have both authored books that might be helpful.

Your situation is not an easy one. It sounds like your sister has had to learn things the hard way and may still not have learned enough to make better choices for herself. At least she made the right choice in regard to her son by voluntarily terminating her rights so that he can have a better life than she has chosen for herself.

I will be praying for this precious little boy, your sister, and you.

First off, congrats on getting your nephew out of his situation. I share the same view as you- if she cared about him, ahe would've made attempts to see him. You might want to consider going to a lawyer and having a letter sent to her saying that what she is doing is harrassment and uncalled for, and if she keeps it up, then further legal action will take place. It sounds to me like she's trying to bully you into letting her keep him, and then whenever she douesn't feel like dealing with him or paying for him, you'll get a call. You might want to try and find out if she has an addiction of somesort, and if so, don't let her around your son until she is sober. I would highly recommend the lawyer. Good Luck!!! and I'm sorry you're having to go through this- it would be hard enough with a stranger, I cou;dn't imagine it with your sister.

Dear K., I am a mother of five, mother-in-law to two and soon to be grandmother of two. Your email has touched my heart. Bless you for caring for your nephew. You have taken on a huge commitment and it sounds like you have good reason to want to protect yourself and your nephew from these attacks from your sister. From just the little bit that you have stated, I would say that you are definitely NOT being too harsh. Sounds like your sister has the thinking that she can have her freedom to be a non-committed mother, while you are caring for her son, and come back into his life whenever she chooses (because you are her sister). Obviously she believes that she does not have to be a responsible person and that she should not have to suffer the consequences of her decisions. From her actions it does not appear that she would be a fit/stable mother. There is a lot more I could say, but I wish you the best in your married life with all these precious children. God bless you, J. K

I too adopted my foster child but luckily no relation. So the ties were cut easily and we're moving on with our life.
Relative adoption is hard. You are doing the right thing to protect now "your" child. She gave up her rights and the system gives them every opportunity to get things right. If the bio parents can't do it willingly then the child needs the forever family. And not be lost in the system as most are unfortunately.
It may come down to a restraining order. Tell her she can write a heart felt letter and when he gets old enough to understand you will give it to him and you'll keep it in a safe place until then.
Just inform her if she was willing to sign away rights and not visit when she was allowed then she needs to get on with her life and let him be happy. If there is any ounce of love there she will let him go.
But, make sure not to hide or cover up the fact he is adopted by a family that loves him. Never talk badly bout bio. (as hard as that may be some times)
good luck. When you go to court inform judge that she is trying to contact the son. ( but do this after finalization) don't want the judge not to let you adopt in fear the child may be hurt by bio sense it's a relative placement.
I'll pray for you and hope all works for you.
J.

Hello Mrs. K.,

My name is H. Darrow and I live in Brandon Mississippi. Anyway I do know what you are going through first hand. I am also raising my 2 nephews 11 and 5 and my niece who will be 10 next week. I have had these children for little over 4 1/2 years. My sister had her right taken from her, We have duel rights with the state of mississippi. Since she has no Idea who the daddys are. I am a mother also of 4 kids 24, 21, 20 and 9 she will be 10 in june. I have fighten with my family still over this matter. I was nice enough to let her come ove last father's day just to see them and she told them they didn't have to listen to my honey or me and she was there mom not me and would cuss in front of them call me all the names in the book while in my home.. I made her leave and I just will not let them see her. She has no matters in her life. She was found unfit 2 times The court system gave her back her children when the youngest was 1 year old. When had him since he was 7months...She only had them for 3 months before they were taken away for good. I wish we could adopt them but the way they did it .. they are 1/2 ours. ABOUT feeling like it will get worst yes it will... My sister tries to sneek in the area and talk to them.. our brother lives like 7 houses down from me and she is over there all the time sending his kids to come and get hers outside so she can see them. I wont allow them down here anymore because of that. Maybe I am wrong but every time she is near the older kids get so mind set that I am not the mom and they don't want to be around me. but if they don't talk to her.. they treat us like parents and it is so different when she isn't in the picture... I pray that all works out for you. As well I know she will always be a mom to them but it takes a better person to show them more love than she ever will. my sister is now on drugs bad and sleeps around real bad.. I thank God she is fixed where she can not have kids anymore.. the sadest thing is she had another one while we were going to court and she told the court system she had a home for the baby and it was going to be with another family so I didn't push it. Well she lied to the court system and now my other sister who lives 1 hour away has her. the said thing that the children I have see her ever now and than. they know they have a sister but my other sister sides with their mom.. I wish you the best and I hope helped. just hang in their for his sake.. He needs family and your love will shine through...

God Bless you all

H. Darrow

Hi K.,
Allow me to applaud those with whom I agree. All I could do was send flowers.:-) I have nothing more to add since you all said it so perfectly.

Stick to your guns K. and do as they say. I wish for your sister all the emotional support and psychiatric help she can get. Then one day she will appreciate just how justified this decision was, and carry on to make a better life for herself. Sincere blessings to you all.

I have been there and done that and it is very difficult; especially when the child comes from such a close member of the family. If she has indeed signed away her rights as a parent then maybe you should cut ties until the child gets old enough to understnad and then let him choose to see or not see his mom. I caution you this never let on to be his biological mother. Always tell him he is adopted and allow him to ask questions about his mother without fear. Be as open as you can about the situation to the child because he does have a right to know who everyone really is to him. This will cut out a lot of the rebellion and suprises later. After all it is about the child and you dont want him having ill feelings toward you later for any secrets you may have kept. Love that little boy with all your heart because he is going to need it. Even though the parent has signed away rights they still have more than you could imagine; you never said anything about where dad was and if he too signed away his rights. If not then you have a whole new set of problems. I do hope all goes well.

Hello K.
you are so awesome for adopting. He will receive the best love and care from you and your new hubby to be! I went through the same thing(a friend )5 years ago..(hell) The calls would come at the craziest times I knew she was drunk or on something..we went to court she didnt even show up!
change my number and moved you know how they say things get better with time..they do I promise!we didnt see her or speak for 3 years later. we accidentally saw her in a town and store i never go to. I freaked out when I saw her she called my name out and said "hello" she looked at the child now 4 and said "look how cute" you have done well. and walked off! my heart was about to jump out of my chest. my child said who was that mommy. I said just a friedly lady...
It will get better with time...I adopted 2 more same with their "different" moms...time! keep ignoring her if you can
out of sight out of mind!!! take care and good luck with wedding!!!!! D. adoption is my option!

I'm not sure on this one ... can you get a restraining order since she is harrassing you? If she yells it might be considered threatening you. Just a thought ...maybe there's access to free legal assistance or the attorney you have used can help.

I disagree you should consider being a foster mother. My grandmother raised me from the time i was 5 because my mother left. She was my "legal guardian" but was advised not to adopt or change my name to hers because it would mess up my school records. So my entire life I went around wanting to "belong to" somebody but not really belonging to anybody. Adopt him if you can, and give him a chance at a real family who loves him.

As for your sister, I would stear clear of her completely for as long as it takes her to get her act together. This may be years, who knows. It sounds like her calls asking to see him and asking for money are tied together - she would take him if she could, and then not give him back without an exchange of money. The person who does not have a child has no reason to ask for money. A divorced couple can ask for aid to pay for the children but for a person who has no child to ask for money from the people KEEPING the child? No, she has only her own interests in mind, not that of the child. Remove the fact that she is your sister from the equation. If a regular person that you adopted a child from were acting this way, would you still feel guilty and think you are being harsh? Probably not, you'd think that person is a quack, you'd issue a restraining order, change your work phone number, etc. Take the fact that she is family out of it, and that will help you clear your thinking about what to do.

I adopted my son at birth. It was an open adoption and I maintained contact with his bio mother and her family. I never withheld the information from my son that he was adopted. When my son was 12, he wanted to meet them. Since he had severe emotional problems, I arranged family visitations at his counselor's office with me present. His bio mom only attended two of these, refused to answer his questions in the meetings and never came to another one. She wanted to only talk to him privately outside the meetings but I found that his behavior deteriorated when this was allowed. He began having trouble at school. I had to end the contacts with him. When he was 18, I gave him contact information for his bio mom and his siblings, all of whom were raised by their fathers. He is 21 now and talks to them regularly by phone. However he is able now to handle the contacts.

In your situation, you have to remember that your first priority is your new son. His bio mother is not healthy for him and you need to protect him as well as your own sanity. You may need a restraining order to keep your sister from contacting you at this time. When your child is older and can handle it, he can have contact and know about the reasons behind the adoption.

Pray for wisdom from God. Find a support group with other foster parents.

Chin up gurl..you are doing the right thing...if your sister will go through counseling and prove to Social Services tha she is a fit mom, you may have a good fight on your hands.. it just all depends on her will.
I will pray for easement for your family to heal all wounds.
(I came from a torn family myself..but in time all worked itself out..by the grace of God..)
God Bless,
K.ann

K., I am a mother of 3 ages 23,16 & 13. I am a CASA avocate for the state. Court Appointed Special Avocate for the children in state custody. I commend you for taking the role you have for the safety of your nephew. You are doing the right thing by not letting your sister see him. If you have to get the authorities involved to keep her away you should. You did not say why your sister lost custody in the first place but if she did not care to see him then she is more than likely still not sutiable to see him now. I don't know what kind of relationship you and your sister had before, but maybe one day she will see what you have done for her and will know that you have only the baby's best interest at heart. When she can see that you will know that maybe she has turned the corner to be a better person. Good luck and keep up the strong front.
L. M

K.,
I was adopted at birth and I don't think that you are being to harsh. As you said if she really cared about him she would have tried to see him or at least called to keep in touch with the baby. The best thing she could have done for him she did! That was to give him to someone who would love him and care for him as you are doing. I think the world would be a better place if there were more people like you (and my loving parents). I am now 48 years old and I know who my birth mother is and I am thankful to her for letting me go and I am forever thankful for and appreciative of my adoptive parents. I thank God every day for them. My dad passed away when I was 23 and I miss him every day. What I'm trying to say is that you have to do what is best for your child. I know you love your sister but your first responsibility is to the baby. God bless you!
K. S.

What a tough place for that little boy! So lucky he has you to step up and advocate for him! My oldest son (my step, that is) was raised primarily by his father from similar problems with his mom. She is clean now, and trying to be responsible, and, since she never did give up her rights (because walking out for five years doesn't count. 'Scuse me. That was a bit bitter, wasn't it...), she is back in his life. There are problems with the situation, but she is trying to do better.

And you're right that it will probably get worse before it gets better with your sister. I hate the thought for you, but you probably will have to use the courts to get her to back off. Right now, while she's still messed up and your son is still so vulnerable, she is just going to have to stay away. Period. It's the only way to move ahead.

You might tell her that, someday, when she's cleaned up, when she's capable of understanding and accepting why you're raising him, when she's stronger, THEN she might be able to see him. If she gets clean, gets counseling, gets a real life, she really might understand it all better. Giving that baby up was the one thing you can never fault her for. That was the RIGHT decision, and, hopefully, someday she'll understand that.

Since you said she was asking for "money or the ability to see him," I kinda doubt that it's him she's after. She may feel like you "owe" her for letting you "buy" her baby. It's sad to me how many women give up babies in exchange for money (in my son's case, his mom asked for some cash and to keep the car in exchange for letting my husband have custody). They're so twisted from drugs, from sorrow, from rough life, whatever, that they don't seem to get it at all.

Sorry, preaching to the choir, I'm sure :)

Anyway, you are doing the right thing. You are not being too harsh. When she makes better choices, she'll have better options. Until then, you're not doing anything TO her. You're reacting to HER decisions in a way that protects you and your children. And that's the ONLY thing you can do :) Hang in there!

When I was 17 and my sister was 14 she had a baby, and after he was around six months she told me she was considering giving her son to this lady who had been watching him...the lady was very nice but I knew that once he was adopted that the woman could move out of state or whatever she wanted so I offered to take him instead...after about three months my sister changed her mind and wanted her baby back, and I let her have him...she wasn't on drugs or homeless, just very young and confused...
This woman is your sister and the childs mother, and as hard as it is to overcome addicition and homelessness I think the child is in the best place...but I don't think that she should never get to see him...I think that someone told her to terminate her rights and she trusted you enough to do that...I don't know for sure but most people who don't care would not try to contact their children. I hope that you didn't make a bunch of promises to her and now you are backing out...she is family, but now you see this child as YOURS and you don't want to let her share in that?
There are periods in my older sisters life where I want to take all of her kids, because she does make bad choices, but I know that she loves her kids and I won't step in unless I see that things are really bad. Because I don't want to be in your situation, maybe that makes you a stronger person...I just can't do that to my sister.

You are such a strong and brave woman! What a lucky little boy to have you in his life to take care of him and love him. So many other children aren't so blessed. Hold on and keep doing what you are doing - the right thing! Your sister might have some regrets in her decision but she made her own bed and now she has to sleep in it. I wonder if you could get a court mediator involved. Stop answering her phone calls. If she really wants to speak to you, maybe see if a mediator will sit in on a conversation with you so you both have a speaking outlet. Otherwise, if she doesn't stop,it might be time to get a protective order. Her harrasment needs to stop. She is only causing you and your family more stress. Best of luck to you.