Former Step-mom Needing Help

I just read the other responses and think that you did get some good advice but I think others were just harsh. I'm sorry you are going through this! I absolutely agree that you need to pray for them and yourself. However if I were you I would try to find a way to establish a line of communication with them!! I'm stunned that some peolpe are saying to walk away and not look back. Its not your responsibilty to care for them, no, but how could you not want to. I bet there would be a way to contact the 16 yr old especially. I think the problem with the world is everybody turns away, not their problem. If you had/have a good relationship with them I bet they miss you too. Children need positive influences and positive role models. And if they are in a bad situation its even more important that you try to remain in their lives, what would be so wrong with that? I'm sorry I don't have any great advice but I felt compelled to respond. I hope you find a way to ease your pain. Try to have a Happy Holiday! Best Wishes S.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow! You and I have almost the same story - just different characters lol. Talking about it helps. In my case, I moved out of the area eventually and distanced myself from his family for a while. If you would like to talk, shoot me an email - ____@____.com.

1 mom found this helpful

First I am so sorry for your loss of the children as it sounds you fell deeply in love with them and was the very best mother they could have had.
Have you thought of going to the county for help with counseling? Also you might try some of the churches around and get help. My prayers are with you.

I to dated a man for years with children, and when we broke up I never saw them again and it very painful. All you can do is pray and give it to God. Put your pain in God's hands and seek help thro talking to friends and family. Maybe once the kids are old enough you can talk to them again. Very sad you must deal with this during the holiday.

Dear M.,
How sad! I'm so sorry for the loss of these relationships!

Try your county dept. of Job and Family Services (or whatever they call it these days) for the counseling, perhaps you can get some for free or sliding-scale rates since you have no insurance. Or maybe something lke CAtholic Charities?

You didn't mention if you attend a church/temple; often clergy will counsel members of their church ( as part of their job).

Could you contact the mom of the 5-year-old? maybe say you would still like to be friends with the child? I know that might seem a little weird to her, but you never know, maybe she would be understanding.

Could you send Christmas cards to the teens, and make sure they know your contact info? That, to me, is not heavy-duty contacting, it's just keeping in touch.......

Do you know anyone in the area where the whole crew is living, that you could ask to help keep you posted on how the kids are doing?

Other than that, just lots of prayers--for them and for ourself too.

Good luck!

K. Z.

I am so sorry, my dear. You are a good heart and I know the time that you gave to those children will be cherished and will definitely leave a positive mark on them forever.
I can be here for you...also many churches offer free counseling services.
It's always sooo hard when people (especially men with children!) make selfish choices without considering the needs and feelings of their children. My ex husband of 18 years moved an hour away with a selfish, rude woman who has 4 kids (most of them grown), and they all drink like a house full of alcoholics. I too have spent a lot of time worrying about the children when they were not with me.
I believe that God will help you through this and prayers will also help the children.
I would suggest to try to stay connected to your friends and family and get out and do things, especially during this beautiful season. If you feel it appropriate or possible, maybe you would want to send the children a small gift, like a box of candy with a loving Christmas wish. If that is not possible, then please remember those golden memories with them and know that their Dad can never take that away.
Good Luck and God Bless. I will try to stay in touch if you would like.
J.

hi M.....i am very sorry for you and especially the kids..i know to some this suggestion may sound very lame, but if you are open to it, it will help greatly..i am new to this also, but it has helped me alot. Church..find one that is smaller in size, less people usually means people get to know one another. and the people can be very friendly,and supportive. i'm not saying larger churches ain't like that, and some of them might even have support groups, or even womens groups that get together for bible class, but then talk and support eachother through troubles. Give it a try, it can't hurt.

Maybe you could ask if you could spend a little time with kids sometime this week. it may help them out a lot!!!

I am so sorry for you and your sad situation. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. This guy had 2 young children (4 and 5 at the time) and we were going to be married. Unfortunately (at the time) we broke up and I lost all possible ways to contact the kids. I would hear about them from time to time from others that knew them but I always felt like I abandonded them. To make a long story short, the girl grew up to be a lovely young lady but the boy had problems that followed him to adulthood. In time I grew to realize that these things were totally out of my control and that I had to put them in God's hands. Not easy but it finally happened. I am now a very happily married woman with 3 great kids and a life that I love most of the time. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Just pray that the kids make it through with this immature man as a dad and his wacky wife. Just a thought...is there any way you can contact the oldest one through mail or email? If she knew you were thinking of her maybe she could call you if she needed you. Try to stay busy doing something constructive this week and next. Visit a nursing home, see if you can help a family in need, etc. You sound like a very caring person and that will get you through this. Good luck.

I'm the ex-step mama of 2 girls myself, I raised them for 4 years as I lived with their father that whole time and we had 2 children of our own so I understand your pain. unfortunately their father & I don't have a good working relationship so keeping in touch was not an option. The best thing I could do was to say blessings for both girls every night & just pray that they remember me enough to look me up or me be able to look them up as they each hit 18 (when I left they were 11 & 4 1/2). I stayed friends with one of my ex-sis in laws after I left and as fate would have it then the older girl told her aunt that she missed me so the aunt arranged a meeting. I had to wait 5 years to see her face again & hug her but we're now back to seeing the older girl on a regular basis since she's now living with her real mom instead of her dad. I still haven't seen the younger one, going on 5 years, but I can only pray that as she gets older she'll tell her sister that she wants to see me and/or her siblings.

find ppl you can talk to about it, keep a diary, write the kids letters & keep them in a shoebox until the time comes that you can hopefully give them to the kids in person.

If your ex is not open to it, there is little you can do. Adult behavior reflects onto the cildren very much, as you realize. It is wonderful that you are such a caring person. Hang in there.

I hope you will read over your post and learn from it, so that you will avoid another situation like this in the future. Meanwhile, it might be good for you to help get involved helping less fortunate children in another way such as volunteering in a classroom or other facility in your area. And prayer for your former "stepchildren" in their current situation could not hurt either.
I am sorry that you are hurting so at this time of the year, and I will pray for you too.

Have you thought about the big sisters/big brothers program? It doesn't solve the problem or your feelings which have to be worked out but if you have a lot to give of yourself there are other kids out there who need you.

Just a thought.
Merry Christmas.

Sadly what you describe your ex as is a mental abuser and he can be ruining these childrens lifes as far as ever succeeding in life.It is sad but about the only thing you can do is pray about it and maybe put a bug in children services ear about it.They are not allowed to tell them who called.
I have had children like this in the past in my relationships and it was so very hard for me to leave the children. A little boy who was only "Daniel"6 and his sister who was"Jamie Nicole" 3, But I had a good relationship with the Grandmother and she use to keep me updated on the children, but I still worried for a couple of years about these precious children.Then Grandma got total custody of them.Daniel ended up in the Air Force after he graduated with honors from high school, and Jamie Nicole is now in college studing to be a nurse. Their father has been MISSING for a long time, no one seems to know what happened to him, he just disappeared into thin air one day after his Mother told him he could not see the children any more.
There are many places that you can get reduced rates on counceling, I went to what they called 6 counties near my home. It was based on my income. Good luck I will put you in my prayers.

I've never had a break up that involves children. I have had break ups where you seem to be breaking up with a whole family instead of just one person. I know that it hurts like hell and seems like it will never end. My advise to you is take care of yourself. Keep the children in your prayers. Think positive thoughts for them like they will do great in school and have lots of friends etc... For yourself.... I would suggest concentrating on the little things that make you happy. I know it my sound over simplified but you can get by if you remember you only have to get through the bad stuff (heart hurting so bad you wish you could rip it out pain) one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day. The end of a relationship is like grieving a loss. It takes time. I found yoga to be really helpful for me. You can buy a tape and do it at home if you don't have the money for a class.

Hello M. H
I know it seems hard to move on now because you had your heart and
Soul and emotions into this relationship. But my advice to you- move on! Those kids are not your
Problem/concern anymore. Your ex moving in with his family, new wife and baby on the way
In his folks house -- not your problem! Imagine that could have been you!
Your only concern is YOURSELF! No one else. He's moved on with his life and you need
To do the same. There may be some places in the community that offers free
Counselling if you feel that you need to seek professional help. I would start
With asking community centers to see if they have such resources. Or churches.
But in the meanwhile
You have to think of yourself ang get yourself together. If you are so
Conerned with the kids, pray for them. Only God can look out for them in the way
That they need to be looked out for.
Also you can direct that energy, and concern to children in need of someone - foster care, Big Bros Big Sisters, etc.
There are many children needing the love of a foster parent.
I wish you well and pray that your heart, emotions, and soul will be
Healed in the coming days.
Take care of yourself and celebrate YOU!
D.