First Trimester Family Conflict

Wow you all are a very busy young family. I wish I lived close by so I could help you guys.

Both of you have very important and time consuming careers.

You also have a child and are now expecting a second, this is not going to become easier, unless the 2 of you, let some things go to the side or make changes.

He is the head coach. Head coaches this time of year, is like a 24/7 job. Of course he is exhausted, of course he has obligations, but he needs to understand, your health is more important than all of that.

You do not have to go to all of the games. You do not have to go to most of the games. Once the Booster club knows you are pregnant, the moms will all understand, Believe me. Just try to go when you think you can handle it.

Tonight, do not go to the game and go to bed when you want to.. You have got to have rest. So what if he throws a fit, you are doing what you have to do.

Get to know some of his better students, especially the ones with cars and that babysit..... (See, this is where I wish I lived close by, I can whip up an amazing babysitters list, full of National Merit, Nerds, in minutes!!! )

Maybe find a student that can help you out on nights like this (most of the nerdy kids do not go to football games, unless they are in band) or the weekends so you and your husband can get things done. Chores, sleep, etc..

You will have to make an actual list of the things you need him to do, with a completion date. Example, lawn mowed by Sunday at 3:00.. IF he cannot get this done, hire someone.. No need to even mention it to him. (I do this for my husband)

Find someone to come in for a for half a day once a week.. $15.00 per hour to do the cleaning of the bathroom, kitchen and a few loads of laundry..

It is worth the investment, for your health, sanity and your marriage.. Again, no need to get his permission, just do it.

Then sit down with your husband, hand him a beer this weekend and tell him what it is you need and how you are going to take care of this.

Tonight, go to bed when you are ready, leave him a note that you are sorry, but just too tired to party..but for them to have a good time. Then GO TO BED,

I'd forget the idea of a date for now and if he wants to have company in the middle of the night, then let him and buy ear plugs. sorry he sounds veeeery selfish. Stand your ground on not going to the game and drag him if you have to, to the doctor who will back you on the fact that you need to sleep and get rest. Oh sorry, grr, he is making me very mad.

No, not all men are like this.

You need to take him to your ob/gyn and tell your doctor what is going on in the household - the part about him expecting you to never rest and do all the work, go to ballgames and host people late at night. Have a MALE doctor tell him that he has lost his mind.

One thing that pregnant women MUST have is rest. You could end up going into preterm labor with this schedule, S..

You two also need marriage counseling.

If he doesn't listen, if he's not willing to go to counseling, I'd really think twice about whether or not you should stay with this man. It's a shame you didn't figure this out before you got pregnant with this second child. I really don't think that he's husband or father material.

Good luck - you are going to need it.

Dawn

Wow, this is a strange post.
You've only been married a few months, yet haven't gone on a date in "months."
Your sex life has dwindled yet you have a two year old and are currently pregnant?
How well do you even know this guy?
My husband was definitely not the "hands on let me rub your feet during pregnancy" kind of guy but he never would have called my pregnancy nausea and exhaustion a joke, and he for sure NEVER would have been bringing people over at 10:30 at night and expected me to be up and entertaining them.
I'm sorry, but why exactly are you with him? He sounds awful :(

I would suggest marriage counseling - you are both dealing with a large amount of stress right now, and taking it out on each other will get you nowhere. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively and be able to come up with solutions, compromise, and meet in the middle. You both need to learn to let go of old resentments if they are only holding you back. Go by yourself if he won't go with you. You could be surprised by how much you can learn when it comes to communicating your needs to him, and how to do it in such a way that hopefully does not result in another argument, or him shutting down and stonewalling. Sounds like you are both shouldering quite a load, and locked in a really negative pattern as to how you deal with each other. Time to make some changes.

Okay, well I'll probably be flogged for this, but honestly a lot of his behaviors are very "male" behaviors....like the not paying attention to what time it is and giving enough time for pajamas, teeth, etc. Spilling things, not cleaning up after himself...yeah all that is pretty typical male and although it's not okay, it's normal. The other stuff is inconsiderate and rude.

As far as you going to the first game, I do kinda understand that he wants you there and may get his feelings hurt a tiny bit, but should be understanding about your needs as a pregnant mom to one already. And, it's not okay to invite people over to your house late at night, 1. without asking and 2. when you are pregnant and need your sleep.

I would suggest starting by taking him to your doctor's appointments with you. Have your doctor tell him the real-ness of pregnancy fatigue and illness. Have the doctor stress how you need rest, patience and understanding, maybe that will help.

Other than that, I don't think therapy is a bad idea, but I don't know how realistic that is for you right now. If you've been together this long and just recently gotten married I hope that you discussed the marriage expectations, because there should be some and they should be different than what had transpired before or perhaps you would have gotten married sooner.

You should take care of yourself. You are pregnant and you have a toddler.

I would stop cooking for him right now. He's out half the time anyway. If he wants beer and snacks for people who come over, he can purchase them. If you get up in the morning to the dirty dishes and debris, you can just put everything in a big box or an old cooler and let him deal with them. If you come face to face with any of the guests, I say, "Hi all, I'm pregnant and have to get up in 5 hours so I know you'll all forgive me if I go to bed. But Hubby's here and fully capable of running a kitchen." Get yourself a white noise machine or an air filter to block out some of the noise. Don't clean up after him. Don't ask him to clean up spills on the counter - that means, to him, that he's doing you a big fat favor by helping with YOUR job. I'd put paper towels down over the spills and if he asks, say, "I didn't know what was spilled or how you wanted to handle it, so I left it for you."

I'd let a FEW things slide if you can - maybe your toddler can sleep in his clothes if they aren't too dirty or covered with food. That is, unless he needs the pajamas to understand the structure of bedtime. You do need to get him on a schedule which will make it easier when the new baby comes.

But if you come home at 3 PM after 12 hours of work, I'd suggest you snuggle the toddler and then plop him in his daddy's lap for special Daddy Time and go take a nap!

I think couples counseling is definitely in order. Something's really unbalanced about this relationship and it seems he expects you to be at his beck and call. That's not okay, even if you didn't have kids and weren't pregnant.

If he's running a bunch of drunken parties or going out drinking, he's not going to have a teaching/coaching job very long. Especially if he's coaching teens. That sort of reputation gets around.

No, you are not going to football games when you have a toddler to care for and a fetus to nourish. You are not unsupportive. HE is unsupportive. It's not your pregnancy hormones - he is being a bit immature I think.

OMG I am so sorry, you are going through this.
These are problems, that will not go away. Or will not go away, for a long time. And it needs professional intervention.
And if that will not work or he will not do that... then, I see no end to it.
Unless you leave him.
Once, my friend, got SO fed up... with her husband (many problems on top of the in-laws causing problems), that one day, she took her 2 kids, and up and left. She went and "lived" with a best friend that was nearby. She was gone... for a FEW months.
THEN, slowly.... her Husband began to see the light. And took action, to be a MAN... not a child.

Then, I had a co-worker who's Husband was similar to yours. THEN he wanted another baby. She told him POINT BLANK... NO. There is NO way she is going to have a baby, with him being he is so ABSENT in her life and their other child's life... and instead he spends ALL his time, with work or friends and HIS hobbies/sports/going out with the guys. Meanwhile, she had built a network with her good friends, and HER family... and basically, SHE (with the help of her friends and family)... took care of herself and HER child. And her home. And of her OWN life. Not expecting anything, out of her absent Husband. Her Husband, never, got the point. And I think she eventually divorced him. But by then, she had already developed a life of her own and with a network of caring friends/family... that KNEW what she was going through.

The Commonality with both these women, is that, they TOLD their Husband off and in no uncertain terms, that they were totally irresponsible ans selfish..and THEN... then went, and did what they had to do. So that, they were independent.

Your Husband, has to want to, SELF-improve.
Everything between the both of you is at a stalemate.
You are pregnant/going to school/are a Mom/run the household... and he is HARDLY... a part of that, at all.
A man with a child and Wife, needs to realize, that HE is a part of a larger entity. And that he is a PART... of his family, the kids are his TOO, and his Wife... also is a human that needs care. And if he can't do that and be a Man... and instead just does his own thing and is hardly home and uses the home and its things as just satellites floating around, then he is really, not being pertinent.
But.. he is going to school too. You both are.
And that takes a lot of work.
My Husband was going to school too, and working. AND I was like a *SINGLE PARENT* all the while he was going to school. It was hard. AND... just to let you know... his University curriculum Advisors... TELLS the married-with-children Students... that going to school AND being married with children, is VERY hard. They have even seen, Divorces... happen when one Spouse was going to school. Because, it is that, hard... to juggle. And it greatly... impacts the marriage and family... and stirs up all kinds of problems.

Anyway, just rambling here. I don't have a solution, but just sharing whatever I or my friends have encountered.

Good luck.

** Have your Doctor, WRITE A NOTE that you NEED TO REST etc. per your pregnancy. As Dawn said below, TELL your OB/GYN, what you are going through at home.
TELL your Doctor, that your Husband thinks pregnancy fatigue is a joke. TELL your Doctor. He/she needs, to know about all that stress... and that is can affect your pregnancy.

And the thing is, one of you, needs to cut down and diminish, all those extra activities, of which there is simply no time, for.
Does your Husband work too?
How the heck, does he have time for sports and school????
My Husband had NO time for anything else, besides work and school... when he was going to school.

I would lay out what you will do and what you won't/can't do and why. Not just being pregnant but that you need him to be a father and husband and friend. You need to be important to him or he will not be important to you, either and you will be roommates.

If he needs a reminder about how hard it is to be pregnant, then insist he come along and hear it from your OB (warn him/her first that you are going to discuss this and you need the OB's backup).

If he insists on entertaining like he's a single man at 10:30PM, then go to bed. YOU do not need to be up. Or you say they can't party there. It's like he's trying to relive his single days or something. That is not an hour for a family man to start entertaining!

If he isn't doing the chores, then don't do them for him unless they are absolutely necessary for your health and well being. If he says anything say you are growing a person and he is not being a good father by renegging on his agreement.

If you two cannot agree on things and constantly argue, then use some date time for a while and see a counselor to figure out how to hash this out before it's you doing all the work with a toddler AND being up all night with a baby AND dealing with baby #3 - the grown man variety. NOT all men are like this.

I'd be really tempted to wake him at 3:45 and if he asks why the heck you are waking him say that if he wants you to attend a game, he has to understand what you are going through.

How old is your hubby? he sounds like a very young immature kid.

Marriage counseling or kick the extra kid out of the house. When your next baby comes, it will only be harder.

My hubby wanted to have his work team over for a BBQ in a few weeks. I'm going on 13 weeks pregnant. I told him, "I doubt I have that kind of energy in me right now." He said he would handle everything, and I said, "including all the shopping and cleaning?" He hasn't mentioned it since. We havne't had sex in a long while because I go to bed about 45 minutes after we put the kids to bed, but he is being a great help. No, not all men are like your hubby. Your hubby is immature and selfish. He needs to grow up.

Oh honey, you are over-worked and pregnant and hormonal! But even if you were not pregnant, I think you would still be annoyed at your husband. He needs to pitch in more! And he needs to be reasonable. I hate having people over late at night and I would be upset about that too. Remember, you teach people how they can treat you. My husband knows better than to treat me this way because I will not put up with it. Our house is 50/50.

I would suggest counseling. If he is not open to that, then a serious heart to heart discussion needs to happen. I hope things improve for you. Stress during pregnancy is not good. Hang in there mama. ((hugs))

Umm, you're GROWING A PERSON IN YOUR BODY and are in one of the most rigorous and challenging educational paths that one can pursue.

I'm sure he feels tired, I'm sure he feels frustrated, and he gets to feel that way.

He does NOT get to force you to sweep both sides of the street, or put you down, or be insensitive to your feelings and needs.
Even if you weren't pregnant. Which you are.

Maybe I'm being quick tempered, but I'm really on your side on this. R-E-S-P-E-C-T dude. Time to man up Mr. S.. :-/

In the meantime, try and treat yourself well okay? I mean, even if it's only a few minutes a day, is there a way you can pamper yourself? I feel worried about your tired and stressed body. I hope it's getting the rest you need, at least SOME of the time. Hugs. I hope it gets easier sooner than later.

"He called me selfish and unsupportive." No, this is him, to a T. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It's horrible, really, and all men are not like this. Bringing friend over and drinking all night with no regard to your wife (pregnant or not), is so disrespectful.
Keep this in mind... you just need to always focus on taking care of yourself and your children and make decisions that are right for you and the kids. I hope you have other family members or friends that you can get support from.

In a short answer no. My husband is nothing like that and not a single one in my family or my friend's husbands behave like that. To be honest I wouldn't put up with that. But that is me. I'm sure there is things my husband does that would drive other women crazy but it doesn't me... and I'm sure some of the things he does that drive me crazy others would scoff at.

I'd give you the hated answer.... I think you guys need counseling. A safe, neutral place to "have it out." Someone to moderate and offer helpful opinions and suggestions. Clearly this marriage doesn't work for you in it's current state and clearly you can't solve this by yourself if he won't even open his ears to listen. So, I'd say counseling is the way I'd go.

Sure you may be more sensitive because you are pregnant and tired but aside from that alot of what you said sounds sucky and I'd be none to inclined regardless of being pregnant or not to put up with it.