First Child - Olds,IA

Given a recent mama's concern that people were giving opinion's that didn't validate her own and it made her feel bad...

I want to preface this with...You asked a community of strangers for their opinion and this is mine though of course you are ultimately just going to do what you want.

So with that bit of disclosure out of the way...Please wait. Please. Wait.

20 years old -- Good god. I loved being 20. I loved being 24. I loved being 31. Well...You get this gist. I loved every age...But I lived it then...slowly and didn't spend my emotional energy rushing thru life "doing things now in case I don't get to do them later."

Save the youth you have been blessed with for skinny jeans, sparkly tops, fabulous shoes, dirty martinis (well...when you are 21 of course), spontaneous road trips, reading, school, concerts,....I could go on and on.

Wait.

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I was 31 when I had my first child. I had been married for 3 1/2 years when she was born. I had an extremely happy and stable relationship, support of family and friends, and a good income to provide financial support for my child.

LISTEN TO YOUR BOYFRIEND!!! He's NOT ready to have a child. That means he will not support you physically, emotionally, or financially. Read the other posts on this site, there's one every other day, about a young woman whose boyfriend is being a jerk and not supporting (physical, emotional, and financial) to her and the child.

You state that no one wants you to have a baby and they don't understand your reasons. Ok, what are your reasons? Can you list at least 3? You didn't even give us one. If you think "so I can have another one when I'm older" is a reason, then no way are you ready to have a child. Are you aware that women who are over 40 have babies every day? What's your rush?

I'm guessing "no one" is your parents, his parents, maybe one or two or your friends or siblings. Do you understand "their reasons" for not wanting you to have a child? Have you taken the time to listen to them?

Good luck in making your decision.

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Does anyone in your family have a baby that you could take care of for 3 days by yourself [no help from boyfriend]? I guarantee after 3 days with NO help, you'll be reconsidering.
I say no help from boyfriend because you guys are so young, people change a lot over time, but especially in your early 20's. Even though you say he is the man of your dreams, things change, and I hope it doesn't happen to you, but there's always a chance you will end up on your own.
Can you pay $1,000+ a month for childcare? If the baby will be formula fed, factor in $350-$400 for that each month. Diapers $60+, wipes $30+. Clothes and age appropriate toys at least $100/ month. Baby gear $50/month+, medical insurance & prescriptions [the costs vary of course, but plan for $700/month at least], extra grocery costs.........at least $2500/ month on top of everything you are paying right now. There are ways to spend less...getting used things, breastfeeding [although you'll spend more on groceries because you'll be hungry all of the time], buying store brand, etc...but it's still a lot of money. And what if your baby has colic [my son did] and cries all day long and only sleeps for a total of 8 hours a day, including naps...how will you and your boyfriend be able to handle that? Have you talked about what values you would like to teach your future children or how you're going to discipline? Do you know how to cook nutritious, healthy, balanced meals? Have you read any books on parenting? What happens if your business takes a downturn? Will you go to college? How will you support a baby while going to school? Do you have any money saved up "just in case"?
It's easy to fantasize about having children, but actually raising children is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. I am a young parent, I got pregnant at 19 [not on purpose] and had my son at 20....and I say WAIT!!!! [And I would say wait even if your boyfriend and your family were giving you the go-ahead!]

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You have a boyfriend not a husband? If you can not commit enough to one man to marry him, you are not mature enough or ready for the lifelong responsibilities of a child.

I was in my late twenties (turned 28 just before my first child was born) and 36 when my 3rd child was born. I waited until I was married, living with my husband for a while where we shared life's responsibilities (financial and chores and everything else) and then we had kids when we had a stable, established relationship and we BOTH were ready

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I was 24, sure I was ready, and had worked with children for years so I was sure I knew what I was getting into. WRONG. I so wish that I had waited until later. My daughter has missed out on a lot *because* I was young. I didn't know what I was getting into. I had no idea how many opportunities I would miss because I was in a different place. My daughter is almost nine and my friends all have young children now - we are in a totally different world. If I could do it all again, and make sure that I would still have my beautiful daughter, but in a different time - I would have waited.

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M.,

You have to understand that all the moms on this thread are really trying to save you a lot of grief when they ask you to wait to have a child until you are older, more mature, and married. Given many more years of living under our belts, we know what bad, sad, and difficult things can happen when a young woman has a baby with a man who doesn't want to.

Your dreams coming true should include a lot more than just having a baby. I hope that you can think of reaching some goals that would make bringing a baby into this world easier, before bringing a baby into the world. Finishing your education is one. Growing your business to a point where you have help so that you can do the job and take care of a child is one. Being able to afford health insurance is one. Getting your and your boyfriend's relationship to a point where you are both committed to marriage is a HUGE one, maybe the most important one.

Most people have babies kind of close together, so that when they are graduating from school, they have some time together to enjoy each other after 18 plus years of kids, kids, kids. Wanting to start having kids early so that you can start again later is, well, kind of a weird excuse to start early.

Be a little patient, and try to figure out what your boyfriend wants. It doesn't appear that you are thinking about him at all in this. He matters too. If you only think about yourself and how to get him to do what you want, you will lose him.

D.

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How old are you? If everyone, including your boyfriend, thinks a baby is not a good idea, then there is probably some truth in what they are saying. Babies are a huge responsibility and take an enormous amount of time, patience and money. Since you're obviously quite young, waiting a few more years and gaining some life experience will not only benefit you as a mother, but your child.

After finding out you are only 20 and have no husband and not a lot of work experience(in case you end up supporting the baby completely on your own), I would say you are definitely too young. Have fun in your twenties, marriage and babies can wait and are more enjoyable when you are really ready for them. I was 33 when I had my first.

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In my opinion, I would wait a few more years to have a baby. If your boyfriend do not want to have a baby right now, then it would just add more stress or issues to your relationship. He probably won't be as supportive and helpful throughout the pregnancy and that would only make your life more miserable. I got married at 22 and waited 4 years before having my first kid when I was 26. My husband and I finished college and make sure that we were financial stable before having our first child. We had more "us" time before our daughter was born and now, we're lucky if we even have time to relax.

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Hi M.,

I understand you wanting to have a baby, but some good points are made here. While I believe children should come after marriage for a variety of reasons, one of them for your situation might be having a permanent father for your child or children. If your boyfriend is not in favor, definitely wait. He would have no reason to stay involved (not to sound too harsh), especially if he is also young, does not want children yet, and has other things he wants in life. Do you simply love children? Have you tried getting some work in early childhood or pursuing an education in that field? It can help with the desire to be with children and would also give you both practical work experience and practical life experience for having a family someday.

I was a little confused by your reason that you want children now so you can still have another when you are older. Many people have children close together, but not necessarily when they are "older." My husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 21, in college (we graduated and are pursing higher education, work full-time now, etc.), had our first son when I was 23 (we'd been married 3 years and had a lot of "us" time), and our second son when I was 25. They are very close to each other. I know a lot of people who waited for children until they were in the 30's and have happy, healthy families as well.

Not to brow-beat you with opinions, but it seems like children should be the natural continuation of your committed relationship, not something to do because of a schedule. I cannot tell you how amazing it is to be a mother, and to share the raising of my sons with my husband, but I am very glad we had those few years alone to develop our relationship, which is only better now with children. Your feelings are completely normal--wanting to be a mom. Depending on your area, you might have some centers that help young moms or women unexpectedly pregnant--they might have some information that would help you with waiting or understanding how you are feeling. I guess the most important thing I hope you consider is that having children should be mutual between you and the man you want as your children's father--if you are not in agreement, he will feel hurt, betrayed, resentful, and possibly leave. I do not know what kind of relationship you are in or how long you have been in it, but you do need to be fair to his feelings and desires. If you are frustrated waiting to become a mom, just spend this time developing the skills and relationships that will help you to be a great mom when you are ready. Good luck and blessings!

M.

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Even if you are ready if he isn't then I don't think it a good idea. I was 22 my ex 21 when we got prego....there's a reason he's an ex.

Im just saying you are young and you have time and if you thnk he's the one then you should look at marriage first then babys!

respect that he's honest and isn't ready. If you push it could be bad.

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I was 22 when I got pregnant with my first (23 when I had him) He was not planned, but my husband and I (boyfriend at the time) had been together for 6 years already and I was very excited about being pregnant. My son is almost 2 now and I am pregnant with my second, and most likely my last child. I love my son more than anything and couldn't imagine my life without him, but it is A LOT harder than I ever imagined it would be. I realized that a few days after I had him that it was nothing like I thought it would be. My husband and I almost didn't make it the first few months after I had my son because it was a whole different lifestyle we had to get used to. It was hard!! I don't know that your age necessarily matters. If you were 16 years old I'd say you were crazy! But you are an adult. I just want to warn you that no matter how "ready" you "think" you are to have a child that you will never be truly prepared for how hard it really is until you have one. I would just tell you don't rush and make sure this is something both you AND your boyfriend want!!

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I posted the exact same thing on your other post, but wanted to make sure you read my response.

Being a young mom is tough (take it from one)! I would definitely not recommend it just because you want a baby. Even though you have plenty of experience with kids (and trust me, so did I), there is a BIG difference between watching kids and being a mom. When I was a nanny/baby-sitter, my job was done at the end of the day. Being a mom is a non-stop job. Amy made some great points...if I would have had more of an option (we had a wonderful surprise baby), I would have loved to have had more time with just my husband to do things that are IMPOSSIBLE to do with a child. Wait until you are married a year, then reevaluate. You have the rest of your life to have a baby, enjoy being young with a new hubby!

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How about one thing at a time. Right now you are preparing for marriage and that is a big deal. Get married and adjust to married life without children first, then after a year or two - you will still be very young at that point, you can bring up the child discussion again. I bet once he is settled, he will be ready.

Right now you are putting a lot of pressure on your husband-to-be. Most men are overwhelmed by the wedding/getting married process as it is. Throwing extra pressure on top of that can be plain scary for men (and women too).

One thing at a time, life is about the journey not the destination.

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Having a child in a relationship should be up to both of individuals involved if you want to have a good working marriage. Forcing a child on a person who isn't ready is the making of a disaster. Have a heart to heart to talk with your significant other and ask what time frame he is looking at, try and compromise. If you force a child in a relationship that isn't ready you may have a corse for disaster. It isn't what other people want for you it is what you and your partner want. Alot of women raise children on their own but it is very difficult

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I was 30 and had been married for 7 years when we had our first child. We graduated from college, have good careers, and own a home. We were able to travel and learn each other's eccentricities so we can better handle disagreements without fighting. My husband wanted children earlier (about 3 years after we were married) but I wasn't ready. It was the perfect time for us.

My SIL got pregnant at 20, then married her boyfriend. He was able to finish college, she wasn't. They don't make a lot of money, so they don't have extras for travel or fancy cars or buying a house, but they make it work. Sure I'll be older as my son gets older, but it was better for us the way we did it.

Now it sounds like you are in a better position than my SIL with your own home and business already. So I would think the biggest factor about getting pregnant is what your soon-to-be-husband thinks. You will be the mother, but he is going to be the father. If he's not ready, it really doesn't matter how ready you are. You are now a team and need to make this life-changing decisions as a team. You aren't just thinking about yourself anymore. And it doesn't matter how long you two have been together, a baby will definitely change the dynamics of your relationship! Maybe he wants some time to be married and enjoy having you all to himself.

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Congrats on your pending wedding :) I always wanted to be a young mom, but once married (to a guy I had been with for 4 years), I realized it wasn't time yet. Long story short, at 35 I did get a healthy preggers ( :0 ) with twins :) We tried for 7 years with fertility drugs and medical help, and several miscarriages....who knew that you tried not to get prego for so long and when you wanted to, it was impossible!!
My suggestion is to enjoy being young and married, try/or not ;), when it is right, it will happen. Don't try to hard, the stress will prevent it from happening. It sounds like you are in a VERY good place in your life. Enjoy the honeymoon :O) and the rest will fall into place.....

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There is no right or wrong answer here. You have a wonderful life from what you share. And you may very well be ready to have a child. But you need to allow your boyfriend/husband the time needed to get ready as well. Is having a child a dream of his? Have you asked and LISTENED to the reasons that he gives? You don't want to force/push someone into do something they aren't ready for as it may lead to feelings of resentment later towards you and possibly the child.
Another thought is ask your family and friends why they have such strong opinions on you waiting. They might offer some insight that you hadn't considered yet. But in the end, it is a decision that needs to be made together with your bf/dh. No one else matters...

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I had my son at 36. My boyfriend and I met in high school and had a long distance relationship till we were through with collage (we went to different schools that were about an hour away from each other). I got a job when I graduated (near where my boyfriend worked during his internship). We were married 1 year after he graduated collage and had been working a year. He's a few years younger than me. We bought a house 9 months after we married. Then we spent 9 years working on our careers, traveling, seeing the world before we had our son. Our retirement is on track, we're on our 2nd house, and our son's collage fund is on track for when he graduates high school. People have kids in all kinds of circumstances. Some plan a lot, and some don't plan far ahead at all. We think having a stable income, home and family makes for a secure environment for raising children. It works for us.

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You should wait until your fiance is ready too. It will change his life forever and needs to be a mutual decision. I know everyone is different, but there's NO WAY I would have been ready for the responsibilities of parenthood at your age. I was 33 and 36 when my kids were born. Sometimes I still don't feel ready! As many others have expressed, parenting is wonderful, but also an overwhelming experience that can't really be fully described. Before I had kids, someone once told me that parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have. I have had some pretty demanding jobs and was really anxious for a baby so I laughed it off and thought they were surely exaggerating, but it is more than true. Parenting is the most difficult thing you will ever do. It's worth it, but challenging. You should enjoy your new husband and your new marriage. This is a very special time together for the two of you that you won't ever be able to have again.

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This isn't about you, you will be a couple now making decisions together, and he needs to be ready, too. You might be fabulously happy pregnant and with a new baby, but will that happiness last if he is - resentful, wishing he'd had time with you to do things, wondering if you married him for him or just to get a baby, etc., etc.? You are 20, find more dreams.

I was 41 when I had my baby (and had no fertility, pregnancy, or labor/birth issues), and had been married for 13 years. Our reasons for waiting that long were: we were raising his two kids from his first marriage, I was working and in grad school, financial, emotional, etc. I am a MUCH better Mom in my 40's than I was in my 20s and 30s, no doubt!

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M., I had my daughter when I was 20, I am so happy to have her and wouldn't change it for the world. So if you are ready in all the ways you are then age shouldn't matter. Although, my husband and I agreed this is what we wanted. Try not to push to much and try to see where he is coming from in wanting to wait. Good Luck!

I agree, SLOOOOOW down!!! Get married, enjoy each as husband and wife, do some traveling. Yes, having a baby is a dream for you, but once you have that baby, your other dreams may not happen.
I was almost 36 when I had my first. There were sooooo many things I wanted to do before I had children. I would never ever change what I have now, but I do wish I would have lived a "different" life. As far as traveling and being married for a while (we were not married when I became prego).
Enjoy life and your soon to be hubby for at least a little while:)

This is between you and your boyfriend?- and you are getting married next month. Ok, my advise is, to first of all wait til you are married. then you must agree- as a couple- when to start having children- maybe having to each compromise a little bit. If you can't come to that agreement prior to marrying him next month- then maybe you need to find a different man to marry- this is a HUGE thing to not agree on. I didn't look to see what your age is- but I had my first child at the age of 30-he didn't survive son then had my next son at 32 and he is my only one. Good luck

You don't say how old you are now. I was 20 when I had my first child, 22 with my second and it was great I had all the energy I needed to keep up with my kids. However I was 32 with my third and 36 with my fourth and my energy level wasn't where I needed it with the last one. I am a firm believer in having kids in your 20's, you have the energy to play with them and lug all the stuff you need for your kids. The interesting thing was when I had my kids in my 30's I found I had more patience and understanding and the small stuff didn't bother me as much. I liked the fact that I was also a "young" grandma and still had and have the energy to chase kids and play with them now that I am 55.
My only caution for you is to wait a couple of years and make sure you know your boyfriend well enough to have children with him. My daughter, 23, mom of a 2 year old, just filed for a divorce. She found out some disturbing things about her husband and can't continue with him any longer. She thought she knew him, they met when she was 12. He kept a lot hidden. You learn a lot when living with someone that you don't know while dating.

I was 22 when i had my first child!! i think that we may have been a little young, but we did it together. It was a wonderful thing for us to teach each other and learn together. It's kind of nice that now all the people our age are getting married and having kids and our kids are 3 and 5. So we are past that baby stage and having fun with them now. Life may not be easy but being a mom was one of my biggest dreams!!

I was 29 and had been married for 7 1/2 years first. A baby is a lot of work and requires a lot of money. When I got pregnant I ended up getting very ill. I had a complicated pregnancy--putting me on bed rest and losing my job (of 4 1/2 years) at 5 months prego. I am still sick but thank God I've got such a great husband.

You have so much more going for you than most other new mothers. What is the problem? Don't wait too long or you won't be able to enjoy grandchildren. That's a pleasure, too.

I turned 30 on my honeymoon. Had #1 at 32 and #2 at 34. Maybe there might be #3. I also wanted to be a mom at your age but I didn't meet my husband until I was 26. I'm glad I waited as long as I did to have kids. What was right for me may not be right for you. I have some friends that are my age that have kids graduating from high school and others that haven't started their families yet. Most of them have kids around the ages of my kids.

Good luck in your decision. Parenthood is a HUGE change in lifestyle at any age.

If I were a would be baby I wouldn't want to come into a family where my dad really didn't want my mom to get pregnant just yet. I'd say no thanks but I'll wait for a better time. I'm a little thing and don't want my appearance marred by "it was too soon". I wouldn't count on hoping everyone jumped on board once I was born. I'd want my mom and dad to be on board before tehy conceived me. Sounds too stressfull of a household. I'll wait. Honestly, if the baby had say in it - he/she would want you to wait until his/her being born was a happy occasion for all.

Have you ever tried to open a flower before it was ready? It doesn't do too well. 20 is very young. People are so in a rush to do things that they don't stop to enjoy the moment and then it's gone.

This is the only time in your life where you can be really really selfish. Enjoy your home, planning your wedding, being someone's fiance, your job, your friends . . . all that stuff. It sounds like your focus is all over the board. Be young and enjoy being newlyweds. Enjoy being able to go to the movies on a whim or not having to come home to relieve the sitter even though you'd like to stay out later. You won't get this time in your life back once you have kids. Sure they are cute and fun, but it's beyond hard work. Enjoy sleeping in till 10am or later on the week-ends. Once you have kids they will get you up at 6am regardless of what day it is. Enjoy being able to come home and put your feet up and not having to tend to anyone. You won't be able to do that again until they leave the house. Just because you are financially stable doesn't necessarily mean you are ready. Take into account what your fiance wants. I take it he doesn't feel the same way. It's not much fun when only one is on board. Why deprive yourself and your future husband of being able to enjoy that time. If you get pregnant, he will resent you and possibly the baby.

You'll be starting off on the wrong foot with this part of your life. I would never try to push my husband to have a baby before he was ready. I would just want a mutual happiness for the event. It's about agreeing what to do within your new family, not barraging your fiance and begging for a baby. Yes, you need to slow down. Life is not a race.

Slow down girlfriend!! I had my first at age 29, second at age 31, and am pregnant with my third (will be 33 at delivery). I am having terrible morning sickness that it's tough to care for my family like this. It is so bad I've been put on medication!!! I could not imagine enjoying honeymoon phase feeling so horrible.... I love my children with all that I have, but wish I knew how very time-consuming motherhood was and had enjoyed my pre-kid days a bit more.... You have plenty of time to make your dreams come true!!

Well, if you really want to , AND your boyfriend is ready, too, it sounds as if you are responsible with money, so go ahead, but make sure you are BOTH on the same page.

I didn't get married till I was 26, we had our first at 28 ( he is 4 years older) so we had some time to adjust to life together as a married couple, and we had a miscarriage, 12 months later, then 17 months after that (after I turned 31), we had our second. My kids are perfectly healthy, and so am I, so you have plenty of time to have more than one - don't worry about that.

Do you want to go to college, get a degree? Do you have any debts or loans to pay off? How about your future hubby? What are his plans, goals, dreams?

Sounds really clinical, but sit down together and make a list of pros and cons of having the first now as opposed to later. It might help.

Don't get wrapped up in the "biological clock thing" women can easily have healthy babies/pregnancies into their mid-late thirties if they take good care of their bodies.

all that said, it is your very own personal decision....along with you hubby - talk it out - first test of real communication over a huge life changing event!

Best Wishes!

Jessie

P.S. If you do decide to go ahead and try right after you get married - be prepared for lots of ignorant people giving you the "look" for being a "baby having a baby" people DO judge on appearance, and especially if you look very young, many will assume you got pregnant by accident and out of wedlock, and judge you that way, may even lecture you. Just a word of warning.

well i had my first child at 16 and my other 3 very young as well . it was hard but your instincs just take over . if you feel ready than do it . now that my kids are older and 2 are on there own i look back and think im glad i had them when i was young , because here i am still young and i am a grandma also but i have a lot more patients then i used to have and can enjoy my kids and grand children so much more for it. so i say go for it if yr ready, and good luck to you .......ps . number 1 tho that both of you are in agreement ..

You never said how old you are, but I had my first when I was 19...(and that relationship ended and now I'm with the perfect dad) but, I can say that it is WAYYYYY better, more comfortable and more exciting to have a baby with someone who WANTS a baby. If your boyfriend isn't ready, don't push him...he's obviously not ready. And if you get pregnant on purpose without him wanting it, he will resent you. So I guess my advice is to wait a year or two til your bf is ready.

I was 20 when was my first was born and 22 when the my second came along. I knew I wanted kids early and I wanted to actually be able to do things with my children. I am still young and can have the energy to keep up with them. I never even thought twice about waiting until I was older.

There is no IDEAL age to have kids. It depends on what you want for your life.

I was in my 30's. That was the perfect time for me. I had some "wild" twenties, did lots of traveling, partying (nothing extreme, but I liked going out) and figuring out who I wanted to be. I also figured that I actually wouldn't mind being in my late 30's or early 40's for #2, if we ever decide on that.

I am happy I waited - probably would have been fine in my late 20's too, though.

you might have to wait a while, yet you should get an approximate time as to when you will start trying. both of you have to be on board in order to avoid any resentment for your husband being pushed into something hes not ready for. be sensitive to his needs too. after all, the root of every good family is happy parents!! you have to have his respect and give him respect as well in order for that to all work. :)

so just talk to him about your wants and needs, but ask him for his as well, be sensitive, accepting to his feelings, and understand if he wants to wait you will wait too.

however, make sure he even wants to HAVE kids. i know more than one woman who ended up married to a man who NEVER wants to have kids. this IS something you need to figure out before you get married; but one more thing; understand the power of patience. my husband was really reluctant to EVER have a second child. at the time, i was ok with it, trying to keep up with our one son and everything, but i know i want more in the future. now, for the past 6 months or so (our son is almost 3 and 1/2) my husband is finally starting to talk about having another one someday. so dont pressure, dont nag, dont push, dont get mad... just be patient. its so beautiful when you and your husband can come together with the excitement and passion to make a child together. its SO special. :):)

23 for my first, almost 34 for my last.

wow... I'd say slow down a little. I'm 29 and have a 6 1/2 year old and an 8 month old... I had my daughter when I was 22 (pretty young still) and I'm still planning on having more. I got married 1 1/2 years ago, got pregnant 2 1/2 months after getting married and then went through HELL the first year of marriage. I would STRONGLY suggest waiting on the baby side of things. Get married, take a honeymoon and really get to know your husband. Just take some time to love on one another and enjoy each other with out the demands of parenthood. Being a parent is a HUGE blessing but it is a HUGE responsibility also and isn't something that just comes and goes... take some time just for you two :) either way the two of you will figure out what to do and what is best for you BOTH, not just him and not just you :)

I feel like you need to wait until your partner is as on board with the kid idea as you. Having kids takes away all your rights to get to think about yourself first and while you should stay as loving and attentive to your marriage as possible with children - they will take precedence over everything else often. If you have children with a man who doesn't want them, chances are he won't be a great father and this will hurt your kids.
I'm certainly not saying you don't have the right to pursue your dreams of becoming a mother, but you do have to take into account the feelings of the other person who will be parenting with you, or you will end up parenting alone.
Please consider waiting until you're a few years older and been married a few years. Motherhood will still be just as good at 23 or 24, I promise.

All I can say is, this is between you and your soon to be husband. It doesn't matter what family or friends have to say either.Any recommendations from any of us mean nothing, as we can't will you pregnant! LOL. This is YOUR life, and getting married is a HUGE and permanent step. Even if it didn't work out and you separate. Marriage and babies are life changing, bottomline.

I say you need to be asking yourself if this is the man for you. If he's not open to children now, will he ever be? It isn't a good sign going into a marriage with someone apprehensive about having kids. You need to consider premarriage counseling and get this hashed out.

Will he ever want kids? Does he recoil when you bring it up? Is he so self-ish that he's looking at you like a meal-ticket? You have a house and job, then as far as I'm concerned, once you're married you should be able to have your kids right away.

But if you're man isn't gung-ho or on the same page...he might be the wrong one. Be careful and if his dreams aren't yours, keep looking!

M., I've done it both ways. I had my first child when I was young, age 14 (and single obviously) and my second child when I was 24 and had been married for 4 years. I would recommend being married for a year or two at least, and waiting until your husband is ready too, before getting pregnant. You are young enough, that you could wait five years and still be young enough to have as many babies as you wanted. Having a child with a father who didn't want the baby (my older son's father, who was 18 when our child was born), vs. having a child w/ my husband who was just as excited and anxious for a baby as I was, was like the difference between night and day. My first child's father never got over being mad at me for not getting an abortion, says I ruined his life, and I think that my son always sensed that his father didn't want him. My son is 19 and has not spoken to his father in 3 years and says he never will speak to him again, even after having every-other-weekend visitation for many many years. If you have a baby before your husband is ready, he may really resent you for it for the rest of your lives. It isn't worth it. I know it's hard to wait...so many girls I was in school with (I went to my first 3 years of high school at a school for teenage moms) had second babies within a couple of years, and I really wanted another one too, but I forced myself to wait until I graduated from college and was married to a good man who could provide for me well enough that I wouldn't have to work outside the home once I was pregnant and after I had the baby. My kids are 10 years apart, but it was SO worth waiting for my second one. Having an awesome father for your child, who wants the child and is ready to be a parent, is the absolute best gift you can give to your not-yet-conceived future child. I am so sad and regretful for my older son, that I picked such a jerk to have sex with and that he has such a crummy guy for a father. I am not saying that your boyfriend would be a jerk, I'm sure he's a great guy since you are planning on marrying him, just that if he is telling you he's not ready and doesn't want a baby yet, you need to expect that he won't be too happy when a colicky baby is interrupting his sleep, and may not be too thrilled sharing diaper-duty 50-50 with you! When I see the absolute adoration that my husband and younger child have for each other...they look alike, act alike, have the same interests, the same mannerisms, he is my husband's mini-me... I feel so much love and happiness for the both of them, and so glad that I waited to have a second baby until the timing was just right. No matter how hard my husband tried, he could never have that kind of bond with my older one, because my older one was already 6 when they met, and already had his own "dad" if you can call really call him a "dad" and wasn't interested in bonding with his "step" dad. I hope my input gives you something to think about. Best wishes to you and your boyfriend.
A.

I would have to agree with "Lets C" on her comment. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility. And I hear you on wanting to have children at a young age, and it would be nice BUT I personally think (this is just my opinion) that the marriage factor should be looked at first before the children. Yes I have had friends that had children while in a "commited" relationship BUT their significant other just ends up leaving them so then their left with being a single parent to their child, it's just sad. I personally had my children at a young age and have no regrets what so ever, its a blessing! But I also got married at a really young age, I was 17 when I had my first, it was very hard at first but we gredually grew up together and am very blessed to have had her. I am 27 now and I have 3 children, Yes it's still hard but I would never have been able to do it without the love and support of my husband. I also think that having children should be a mutual decision so that child will be loved and not regreted, I'm sure no regrets from your part but if your boyfriend does'nt want any now he will probably regret it. All I will say is enjoy life and make sure you make responsible decisions, especially one like this, it's alot of work to care for children. I hope my comment and opinon was some help for your question, Good Luck Hun!