Finding Time to Do Everything, Keep Your Relationship Healthy, and Grow?

I certainly know what it is like to tag team chores, dinner, dishes, bathime, bedtime, and still get a chance to say hi sweetie. We talk on the phone on our lunch, send small texts back and forth, try to go over daily things so when we get home and get that couple minutes together we can already have the grind out of the way. I beleive that it takes an effort on both parts not to ignore your relationship once you have children. They demand so much of your time and if you are working it seems extra precious. Finding a balance it a choice that you and your husband need to talk about and work up a plan. Do you have a neighbor with children close to the age of yours? Getting to know other parents and swapping a few hours with them is a great thing. We do not do overnight visits but letting them go play for an hour or so.

Keep up the fight! Blessings!

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Hi N.,
What we do with our girls is make sure they are in bed by a certain time every night. We have a set routine, we both work on getting them to bed by 8pm, then we have 2 or 3 hours to be a couple again, I'll read a book, take a bath or get stuff done around the house. But truthfully, now that life is so hectic, we pick and choose the housework we take care of, necessary things like dishes and laundry. The cheerios ground into the carpet can wait for another day, you got to focus on what's important.

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Hi N.,

My husband and I were having this conversation just 2 nites ago. We both work full-time and have 3 kids now (it's a whole new ball game when they outnumber you :)ages 4, 3 and 18 mos. -- so, here's our take on this topic:

(1) prioritize chores -- e.g. clothes are clean, but not always folded, sometimes folded, but not always put away ...we often plan for a nite of folding loads of laundry and use that time to chat or watch a movie while we fold. dishes don't have to be washed EVERY single nite and once washed, they'll get put away eventually.

(2) Multi-task w/ creativity-- e.g. I've learned to clean the main bath while my girls are in the tub, so while they're splashing away in a bubble bath, I'm cleaning the bathroom -- 2 birds w/ 1 stone ;)

(3) plan for date nights at home -- my husband and I are "Lost" junkies, so every Thurs. we knew that the kids need to be asleep by a certain time, we'd plan for our date night snack, head to the basement and snuggle up with popcorn and our weekly dose of "Lost" , we also have our favorite old sitcoms on dvd, so some nights we have a "Frasier night", e.g.

(4) b/c we are often pooped and sometimes fall asleep before we can spend alone/intimacy time, we've found crashing for a few hours (10 pm to 1 am, e.g.) and then spending "time" together and going back to sleep works too...

We also pay our daycare provider to keep them overnite from time to time, you might want to look into a sitter service or ask co-workers, church members, etc. for referrals and give yourselves an overnite date night.

You will find a way make it work, it takes effort and planning though, otherwise it doesn't happen!

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As a mother of four who has been married for almost 11 years I say you will always feel exhausted and as if there is never enough time to do everything - because there isn't.

For us the difference is that my husband is a stay-at-home dad so his "job" in addition to taking care of the kids is all the household cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.

As far as our marriage relationship we know that we have to "pick our battles", let the little things go and just try to be happy. There's a lot to be said for having the mindset of being happy and enjoying things.

As far as husband/wife time, for us it's after the kids go to bed. We hang out, talk, watch a movie, etc. Maybe once or twice a year we go out on a real date, but we prefer to just be alone at home.

Good luck!

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I don't think I know ANYONE who CAN do it all. I think our society has put this expectation on mothers that we have to be "Super Mom".

I used to be a neat freak, but someone told me once- at the end of your life are you going to say "gee I wish I had kept the house cleaner!" ? no, probably not. Spend time with your baby girl- she will grow so fast you will wonder where the time went.

Are there any organized play groups in your area? It isn't just for your child, it is good for the mommmies too! You need a mommy network (something I didn;t have with my first child). This time around I have a great support from friends (met at the library, kids events, breastfeeding support group, the park) and neighbors.
I friend and I now swap babysitting with one of these new "mommy friends" it ensures we both get some down time from our kids.

As moms we are constantly giving and giving. If we don't take time to restock/refill we won't have anything left. Take time to do little things for yourself- a happy mommy makes for a happy family.

Our families live far away too- so that is not an option for us for babysitting. I know how you feel!

We try to schedule a "date night" once a month (and it doesn't always happen) so that my husband and I have time together. It can be as simple as sitting and watching our favorite tv show. We rarely get to go "out". We will sometimes put the kids to bed early and have dinner just the 2 of us.

Hope that helps! you are a great mom! Take it easy and enjoy your daughter!

I don't think it's possible to ever find time for EVERYTHING...focus on what is MOST important to the 2 of you and start with that. I have found a lot more balance since I started doing the 5 Happy Home Habits that I was introduced to from my Once Upon A Family business.

If you are interested in hearing more, the founder Lorle Campos is coming to Grand Rapids for a FREE discussion on her new book, HappyHome: a family's guide to finding balance in a dizzy busy world.

It is on Friday, June 27th at 1:00pm at Woodland Creek Clubhouse 3300 East Paris Ave, Kentwood, MI 49512.

It's FREE, so bring a friend and just hear an AWESOME speaker talk about family and finding balance.

Reservations are requested, so send me a message if you are interested in attending.

~A.

I soo know what you are going threw. we now have a date night (out) once a month. and i try to stay up on friday and saturday night after the kids go to bed.we cuddle, watch movies ,play bored games etc.. just being together. then he either lets me sleep in or take nap. just sit down an talk to your husband work out a plan. it can work, you just sometimes have to let the dishes or laundry sit.good luck to you!!

I'm not sure that you can do everything and not be exhausted! My advice (I work full time and have 2 kids) is think about what is most important to you (I have to have a clean house each night or I can't function) and make a list of priorities. Can you clean at night while the baby is sleeping (if you want to clean together?).

I found, especially after having my second child that it was crucial (maybe more important than date night) that I have time alone and/or with my girlfriends. One day/night a month or sometimes every other month in addition to 4-5 nights a week at the gym (sometims I take the kids) keeps me fresh and balanced.

first, if you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to email me. i felt the same way after having my first baby, after she was 2 months old i got pregnant again so i felt completely overwhelmed. but, you know what? we did fine. yeah, it was hard at first. you just have to get in a groove/schedule that works for you. it's hard at first because plans don't always work out because the baby is fussy, sick, etc, you are or your hubby is. or whatever else life throws at you. our families all live 300+ miles away, so it's not like i can drop the kids off at gramma's for the afternoon to go on a date for my husband. i do have a couple good friends who i trade babysitting with so we (hubby and i) can just do simple things together that we used to, like grocery shopping, catch a movie, get yardwork done. every little bit helps. for me, asking for help or a favor was a hard thing to get over, but trust me when i say people like to help when they can. the worst that can happen is they can say no.
good luck on finding your groove!

N.,

There is no simple answer to that question. I have worked outside the home all the time I raised my two sons who are now 17 and 19 years old. Having time as a couple is very important or else you may find your relationship start to suffer. Finding alone time for yourself is also very important but can be very difficult when you have very young children. Unfortunately my husband and I didn't make enough time for ourselves and our relationship suffered greatly. We are still together but it took its toll. Since you are working outside the home you also have to learn to let some things just slide. The house may not be as tidy as you would like but keeping relationships whole and your own sanity in tact are much more important. The housework can and will wait, no one expects working parents to have an immaculate house. My good friend once sent me a card that helped me get over the clean house syndrome. It read "dull women have immaculate homes". Don't get me wrong, I would love the immaculate home but I won't sacrifice time for myself, husband or kids to attain it. Try making a schedule and just do so many things in a day or week. Sometimes the sheets stay on the bed longer than I would prefer but I always tell myself, it'll get done in time and it does. I always carve out a little time for myself in the day but unfortunately it is usually very late at night after everyone has gone to bed. I took up running when my boys got old enough to stay at home by themselves and I love the alone time it gives me. As for you and your husband try planning a night out for a date at least a couple times a month to maintain that closeness that you obviously have. Very important to maintain that. Even with my work I managed to be a parent volunteer at my sons school and other activities being involved in all of them. I have one more year and my youngest graduates from high school and I will be over all those activities and plan to again pursue the things that have been on hold all these years. Things happen in their own time, some things go on hold while new events take over in your life. It's a cycle. I plan to have the immaculate home right after graduation next year, I just hope I don't become dull!

Good luck to you, it's quite a roller coaster ride you are about to take.

S.

Like you, my husband and I were married for many years before our daughter came along (8 to be exact) so the transition to parenthood was very difficult for us despite the fact that we waited for our daughter for a long time. It's hard being stuck in the house as of 8pm, yet never getting enough sleep. All the late night stuff we did together after work was no longer appropriate and we had to find other things to do together.

We have a limited budget now because I am currently staying home with my daughter, so babysitters are a luxury we hardly use. My house is never as clean as I'd like it to be, and we've been know to put off doing laundry until my husband has no pants and I have no bras left to wear. Our alone time is typically after our daughter goes to bed. And for alone alone time we go to seperate rooms. LOL!

Seriously, hang in there. I feel your pain.

When we were first married we started a process that all major house cleaning was done on the weekend. This included picking up, sweeping, moping, bathroom - everything major. We would do dishes throughout the week and clean up the occassional spill or mass track in of dirt from the dogs - both nothing that would take more than 30 minutes to an hour. At the time we were both working, and this left our evenings for us. Whatever we wanted. It even worked after we had our first daughter. We continued that even after my husband started staying home with our girls. Now that they are older, and it's easier for him to devote time to cleaning during the day he does most of it. I load the dishwasher at night and then take time on Saturday to do the laundry (I refuse to let him do that - for various reasons). We still have our evenings - first with the kids together for a couple hours after I get home from work, and then a couple hours after they go to bed (they go to bed early). I get additional alone time with our girls in the morning because they insist on getting up at 6:00 am - regardless of what time they go to bed. I started going to the gym in the morning before work and if I need "me" time all I need to do is ask. Because my husband stays home with the girls he goes to a class on Tuesday nights - his "me" & adult time. For us it was determining where our priorities were - spending time as a couple or having the house immaculate - and then making it all work from there. If we have to do running during the week we do it as a family. Sit down with your husband and determine where your priorities are and then find a game plan.

Hi N.,
I can totally understand what you are going through. My husband and I lived away from family and friends until about a week ago. Our daughter is 14 months old now. There are 2 things that really helped us:
1) get a cleaning service for our house. They came every 2 weeks. That cut down on cleaning chores so we could spend more time working on things together
2) plan "at home date nights" every saturday evening we would have an at home date night. We would take turns planning the evening including dinner, drinks, entertainment. We tried to be creative with the themes so it turned into a little competition for us.
Hang in there!
J.

I suggest Flylady.net for keeping up with your house. I have only been signed on since january, and my husband has noticed a difference. Its all about baby steps and priorities. Just try it.
At night we have different things scheduled, i.e. hobby night (alone time), tv night, game night with friends, or date night. That way we can look forward to time alone or together, and plan in advance.

Hi N.! I can certainly understand what you are going through. I am a SAHM with 4 children and a wonderful husband of 13 years. It is always a challenge to balance everything. It is great that you realize your marriage is so important and finding time for each other is vital. My husband and I are fortunate that we have family to rely on for babysitting. But what we have done lately is exchange babysitting time with our neighbors. Our children are the same ages and it really works out great. When they need some time together we watch their kids and vice versa. We have found that going out during the day on a saturday works best for us. We go out for lunch and maybe a movie or to the mall and we are alot less tired during that time of the day. Good luck and have fun!

N.,

First of all kudos to you for realizing that it's important to keep your relationship with your husband healthy! Many first time moms don't realize they are neglecting this important relationship until it's truly in trouble. The best advice I can give is to pick a couple days a month that will be date night for you and your husband. Budget for the babysitter- if you can trade with someone else or join a babysitting co-op, great, but make sure that you are planning a date night. We have three children 5, 4 and 3 and for the first time in a while we have a weekly date night. Setting up a weekly date night can be time consuming and expensive, but knowing that you have set up one or two nights a month as special time for you and your husband will give you both something to look forward to. Meanwhile, you might want to consider dividing and conquering some of the chores, but make sure that you are working together in the same room when ever possible so you can continue to bond and talk. Our house was much cleaner pre-kids, and after our first child. Now with three kids five and under we seem to constantly be in a pick-up mode. I've finally resolved myself that it will never be a model house until the kids have all left for college. And I agree with some of your other advice, sit down and talk about how you can schedule your time, chores, time alone, as a family, etc., it will help keep you communicating and talking about what is important to you, what you need to do and what can potentially slide. And one last thought- I don't know your spiritual background, but I know when I'm feeling overwhelmed and unsure the best thing I can do is get some alone time, pray and journal and ask God for guidance. This works especially well if I can get the time first thing in the morning.

It sounds like you are definitely on the right track. Good luck to you.

J.

i can sympathize.. same age active baby boy too...

i'd recommend trading babysitting with a friend.
i get creative too w/ chores...have my son 'help' vacuum, clean the bathroom while he's in the tub... i also just don't clean like i used to.

Are you involved in any mom's groups? When my children were young, those ladies were my saving grace. It gave me a chance for my alone time-even though I was with other moms, we would do things, like crafts, send out our Christmas cards, etc. They were also the women I trusted enough to care for my children and they did it for free! We would occassionally swap. Your dughter is getting older and in within the next year or so she will enjoy those "playdates". Not sure if it helps, but finding a community of mom support really helps you realize you are not alone.