J.H. asks from Hesperia, CA on July 19, 2008
I don't seem to get much help from my husband. I work 2 part time jobs, I am going to school and trying to get some family time in somewhere too. I take care of the house, pretty much completely by myself. I do the dinner planning and bill paying. Housework, laundry, etc... and yet my husband still wants intimacy. He's frustrated with our intimate life and so am I for that matter.
I will admit that I am not that good at bringing up things when I am bothered. But I am truly starting to hurt inside and wonder why I am here in this marriage. I do love my husband and I want to work this out.. how can I go about talking about this without blaming or pointing fingers or telling him to frickin help out a little bit. I'm overwhelmed and need his help. Which is hard to admit, because I am superwoman! :) All kidding aside, I want our conversation to be constructive...
How do I find that balance?? I know the scales are tipped way on the end of housework and caring for my son versus caring for my relationship with my husband. How do I make him see that I truly want it to be different, but need his help?
9 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
I got an overwhelming response! Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and words of wisdom. Our son has been very sick the past few days and it included a trip to the hospital for IV fluids. So we have not had the opportunity to talk yet. But I am taking everyones advice to heart and am going to put my thoughts together, make sure that I have a plan and really communicate my thoughts, desires and needs. As well as listen to his.
I am a bit humbled by the amount of people that care and have responded. Thank you!
S.G. answers from Detroit on November 16, 2008
I do not think you need to finger point at all. I just tell mine that I am getting run down and could he ... and give him one specific small task at a time!
Otherwise, I just want to kick him. He does not help except washing his clothes when he runs out! Heehee!
Maybe hubby is just like a lot of guys and really just does not notice.
If you are appreciating his help, you will want more intimacy!
K.R. answers from Minneapolis on November 16, 2008
J., I hope things are better now. It sounds like you were in a really tough place this summer. You should be proud of yourself for doing soooo much on your own.
I read through all the responses, and I have to say, I was really surprised. It's 2008 and it seems like in a lot of marriages, not much has changed. Things are different at my house, and I owe my parents a real debt of gratitude.
My parents married in the sixties, expecting to have a traditional marriage, and then the women's movement hit. My mother started thinking about how much she was doing with me, the baby, and how it wasn't fair. She told my father she wasn't willing to have a second baby and double her workload unless he started participating. To his credit, he did. He was much more involved with our lives than most fathers we knew. They both raised us to expect equality, friendship, romance, and love in our relationships.
So when I was dating, I was looking for a guy who was decent and generous and fair (and feminist) as well as being good-looking and fun. My husband and I went into our marriage expecting that we would be equal partners, and we've succeeded. It can be difficult at times, but if there's a problem, I always talk to him about it.
We have the added benefit of him being a bit of a neat freak, so yes, I'm married to a guy who regularly walks around the house putting things away. He takes care of the finances, I do all the cooking; he does the weekly grocery stock-up shopping, I take the cars in for repairs or oil changes; he is in charge of getting breakfast for the children (and making their lunches), I'm in charge of supervising bathtime and toothbrushing; he's in charge of bedtime stories, I'm in charge of birthdays.
One important thing is that we never assume that everything at home and with the kids is MY job, and that when he does something to clean or take care of the kids, he's "helping." Stop right now with asking your husband to "HELP"!! Everything at home and with the children is BOTH of your jobs. You just have to figure out how you want to divide it up. You've been doing your job and much of his; now you want him to do what is fair, and take on his responsibilties for home and child care. I'm home more than my husband is, so I have a bit more home and child care responsibilities than he does, but once he's home, too, then everything is shared.
And the benefit is, we still like each other. Intimacy is not a problem for either of us (it's not something I do FOR him -- that is just sad), and we enjoy each other's company and conversation, and we get a babysitter regularly so we can go out and have fun together.
It feels weird to have typed this all out. Having a happy marriage between equals shouldn't be this unusual in this day and age. I really hope that you and your husband have made strides in repairing the damage so that you both can be happy.
5 moms found this helpful
A.L. answers from Los Angeles on July 22, 2008
I didn't read any of the responses but I'm sure you had lots of good ones. I also saw that you already have a plan, but I had to add.
First off, what does your hubby do that he isn't able to help but is perfectly able to demand intimacy?
Secondly, you really should make sure you talk with him about things such as this before they get to the point where you are reconsidering your marriage. Talk before everything becomes so internalized to you that you can't control your emotions about it. Talk to come up with a solution, not just to talk.
Thirdly, when you talk to him, make sure you stick with statements where you're saying "I feel ..." not "you're doing this and this" because then you are able to focus on the fact that you're not blaming, you're simply expressing how you feel.
I have a really great book which I think may help you and your husband if you have the time and energy to invest in it. It's called 12 Hours to a Great Marriage (here's a link with a description for you: http://www.theparentreport.com/books/display_book.html?bo... )
Whatever happens, I wish you and your family the best, and I hope that your super-human abilities don't need to be tested to their full extent for any longer. A fast recovery to your son too!
4 moms found this helpful
M.D. answers from Los Angeles on November 16, 2008
I coach women like you to put the quality of their lives first and then schedule the rest. You may be doing too much and not listening to your inner wisdom. You really do have the answers within you. Ask yourself: If I was absolutely happy in my marriage, my mothering, and my accomplishments, what would that look like? (Write the answers down) This is not Pollyanna thinking. This is the kind of thinking that happy, successful women engage in. The answers may surprise you. You may find that there are things that you are doing now, that you could postpone and do in another year or two. There may be opportunities to prioritize your life so that you have more rest or have healing practices (like acupuncture, yoga, walking outdoors in nature). When you are taking care of YOU, then you'll have the energy and be receptive to being loved. That's when you can shift from resisting love to being present to the amazing gift that it is to have a man want to pleasure you. Of course, you may have to teach him what you like, but the opportunity is for you to be receptive to his love.
Be Inspired and Inspire Others,
3 moms found this helpful
T.L. answers from San Francisco on November 16, 2008
I don't know if your open to christian ideals that are Bible based. But there is a website LOTE.org. The pastor's name is Chip Ingram. You can go on there and click on the listen online button. He is doing a series called house or home. He kinda lays out what everyones roles are. I got my husband to listen to them. My husband has been doing the dishes and taking out the trash alot since! Look for, Is there a man in the house? It is great. Good luck and I hope your son gets well soon. That is so hard to deal with things like that with other problems looming. God has a plan for you and your family being healthy is one of them. Let me know if there is anything I can help with.
2 moms found this helpful
A.B. answers from Denver on November 16, 2008
I have not read the other responses but, I am reading a great book. (I know you may not have time for, but, I have found it wonderful to help me communicate what I need. It is called the 5 love languages. Please start communicating with your husband for the sake of you and your child. A divorse is no fun. (I did it without kids but could not imagine with one)
Most men are clueless unless we communicate with them. And you are right on with saying you don't want to point fingers....start with "when you ______, I feel________. and see if you cna get him to help out. You cannot do it all. You are in all. I look at being a superwoman as letting them know waht you need and letting them do some of it "their way"
finding balance. Good luck
2 moms found this helpful
D.C. answers from Los Angeles on July 20, 2008
I am a stay at home mom, and I do some office work for my husbands' business. I endearingly call myself the CEO of the household. I have three boys that I am raising. My husband often complains that dinner is not done early enough, and that I am often in a bad mood. Well, when I have the bills, the shopping (and putting away of purchases), taxi schedule, cleaning, cooking, appointment scheduling, errands, office work, cooking, homework with the boys, laundry, discipline, etc.....and he comes home and heads straight for the TV...YEP, that would put anyone in a bad mood. I don't like to admit to defeat and ask for help, but we do have to once in a while. My husband says, "I don't know you need help unless you ask. I am not a mind reader and I don't take hints." I have heard my friends' husbands say the same things.
We went to counseling years ago, and the thing that stuck with me is....
1. Honest communication is a good thing to have.
2. A woman must be blunt when stating what we want, or it
will never get done.
3. Always use statemets like "I feel......" instead
of "You always (or never)......"
4. State your needs in a way that make your husband
believe he will be your hero and he will gladly do it.
I have found this one to be true.
I have over the years told my husband that "as we grow our needs and wants change....so as that happens I may ask different things of you and I need you to be there for me that way".
You should just say that you need to talk to him, set aside some time, in a relaxing area and tell him that you feel overwhelmed, and you feel that a little help would really benefit you both. You work as much as he does, and you want to be able to spend time with him at the end of the day....his helping you after work would create more time together. Men are really simple, if they feel they are taking care of their woman, they are happy. If you make them feel like helping you is making you happy, everyone wins.
My husband now helps with the little things, and that gives us more time together. If your husband is willing to help, you just need to let him know you need it.
I've even told my boys the same thing I told my husband, when they leave all their things all over and constantly expect me to clean after them. They complain that I don't spend enough time playing with them. I told them that I am like a glass of water. Every task, every request and every complaint take some of that water out. If they contiue to expect so much of me.....then they can expect the glass to be empty which leaves nothing for me to give back. I end up empty and because I don't feel good, I have NO desire to make them feel good.
I have 4 men to contend with, large and small. They have to be remindes often, but when done the right way, you will get what you need from them.
2 moms found this helpful
J.L. answers from San Diego on July 20, 2008
Hi Jennifer, running a home and taking care of a full time family is hard work. Obviously you are not superwoman, or you would not have writing in tonight, we all, myself included do believe at times we are superwoman, to the point that some husbands dont see that their wive's need help, so thry don't offer ( they still should at least once in a while right). Some wive'e are so prideful they won't ask for help. If I were you I would sit down and tank to your husband, and tell you love him, and you miss the imitate part of your marriage as well, I'm so tired at the end of the day, I honestly don't have the energy, tell him you have the heart for but not the energy, and them tell him, babe I feel like I need some help, I love being your wife and I love being a mom, but I need some help, this way you are not blamming, you are not pointing fingers, and you are expressing love and a desire for your husband. In a marriage, as a wife, God comes first then your husband, then your children, THEN everyone and everything else, and that is not easy, i've been married for 27 years to my husband, and all though I do very well with the balance, I still at times need to remind myself what my pryorities are supposed to be, at the same time, the husbands ned to do the same. So when you have your talk, and he asks you what you would like him to help you with, have some answers for him, don't say I don't know just help me, wrong approach, and when you give him a few things, don't give him a big oh long list, don't over whelm him, then you'll both be over whelmed. My husband was always a hands on dad, I didn't have to do everything, there were things I claimed that was mine, and that was laundry, I do laundry a certain way, and i didn't want clothes ruined, my husband loves to cook, he does not mind helping me. Our kids are grown, our youngest is 19, and she helps she does her own laundry, washes her own dishes, things like that, I still pretty much take careof the house, I run a Home day care, I take care of the yards forthe most pary, landscaping and gardening are my hobies, he does help me with that at times, he takes out he garbabe cleans uo the backyard after the dog, he walks and bathes the dog, plus he works one full time job, one part time job, and he has 2 business, so I don't really exspect to much from him around the house. Think about this you can catch more bees with honey than with venegar, so when you talk to your husband, be loveing, choose your words and your tones very carefully, and see what happens. If this doesn't not bring about the changes you are looking for, I have more where this came from, I really don't believe most husbands want their wives working themelves into a frenzie, it really hurts them, most husband I would think would want their wives, vibrant, energetic, aposed to tired and unresponsive,so why wouldn't they want to do their part, if it's going to benefit them as well. Let me know what happens. J.
1 mom found this helpful
L.P. answers from Honolulu on July 22, 2008
I was in a similar situation...I did it all...the marriage failed. I never really spoke my heart, now in my 3rd marriage, I'm an expert in speaking my heart...but speaking in "Love" and not in condemnation. Just ask your husband to listen, know that you love him, but hear you out. Tell him honestly how you feel because I learned the hard way that they have "NO CLUE!!!!" When he finds out, he can take it to the bank and do something about it. RE: This only takes effect for Maximum of 2 weeks and then you have to sit him down and tell him the EXACT SAME THING OVER AGAIN. They fall into a rut of needing constant reminders...not ragging ...sticky notes...haha. I tell you it works. They will appreciate your honesty and just knowing that you need him and his help will really make him feel like "The Man." He's grown accustom to having a super woman. So, he has come to a place of complacency and thinks you can do it all so he's not needed. The advice below is good and I'd suggest once you did your part in "TELLING HIM" You'd get immediate results and also, start feeling like doing the bed thing...much more willingly.
1 mom found this helpful