Ferber Method - Montrose,CO

In my personal opinion, if this is going on for over an hour, he's not ready for this separation.

I once quit a nanny job where the parents were insisting on these methods with a child who was made panicked and VERY angry by every attempt and was emotionally inconsolable during and more easily frazzled all day afterward.

Many of the people who write the books about it are experts of their own devising, and since none can actually communicate with a child that small to understand it's fears and emotional pain, I do not personally believe they can be certain if they are doing harm or not. Nor have there been sufficient scientific studies of the long term effects of this sort of thing.

I believe you have to trust your gut on this. If the child is just not accepting it and it's going on for extended periods, don't do it because you want it or a book said you can or should.

We are biologically programmed to respond when babies cry for a reason. We should not abandon that easily.

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I do not believe in any CIO method - it works by breaking a bond of trust the child has with their parent. Ferber completely ignored human evolution and mammalian instincts (humans didn't survive this long with infants howling in the cave next door). His teachings have come underfire because there are no long-term studies of what this does to a child's psychological state. Research on infants showed a sharp increase in heart rate for the CIO kids. And even Ferber said his method shouldn't be used on a child under 12 months.

I have co-slept with both my kids and been able to transition them happily into their own rooms. Here is how I have done it:

My current baby of the house is now 20 month old. He co-sleeps part of the night. We have his crib in our room, pushed against our bed. The side is off and the crib is strapped to ours. I nurse him in bed till he is sleepy and then place him in his crib. He sleeps there until about 2am, wakes up for booby and nurses for about 5 minutes, then I put him back in his crib. At around 5 am he wakes for boob again and then stays with us to snuggle.

I did this with my daughter as well (she is now 10). Basically you are giving them a positive association with their crib and sleeping. Once the middle of the night nursing ends, I will nurse him to sleep and put him in his crib, but move the crib away from my bed, but still in our room. I will leave this set up for a couple of months. Once he is sleeping solidly through the night, I will move the crib into his room, but still nurse him to sleep until he decides to wean. Voila! They are happy and content and secure in their own room. Yes, it takes longer, but their is no hysteria involved. My daughter was in a full sized bed, sleeping through the night by 4 years old!

The key is slowly and happily. Be flexible enough to know that their will be a nightmare or thunderstorm once in a while and you will have everyone back in bed with ya for a night!

When I was a first time mom, I tried the CIO with my daughter for 3 nights - it was terrible for us both but I was young and followed the crowd. Once I had DH take the crib and place it next to our bed she slept fabulous. Humans have a drive to be near one another and this is especially powerful in children. It is very strong in the boobie-fed ones!

I run the 80- member Cape Cod Breastfeeding Moms club and they all co-sleep and slowly transition their children in a very similar if not exact pattern. No one does CIO and no one has teenagers still sleeping with them!

Hope this helps, but go with your gut - if it feels like torture, don't do it. Your mommy senses are telling you it isn't the answer! Kids do not need to be "taught" to sleep on their own or self-sooth. When they are developmentally ready, ALL humans will learn to sleep on their own.

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Harvard Researchers Say Children Need Touching and Attention

by Alvin Powell, Contributing Writer, Harvard Gazette

America's "let them cry" attitude toward children may lead to more fears and
tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.
Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies
close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with
them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael Commons and Patrice
Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined child-rearing practices here and in other cultures and say
the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds - even
separate rooms - and not responding to their cries may lead to more
incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders among American
adults.

The early stress due to separation causes changes in infant brains that
makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons
and Miller.

"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms
the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so
they're sensitive to future trauma."

Their work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach,
examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural
differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology
Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of
Traumatology.

American child-rearing practices are influenced by fears
that children will grow up dependent. But parents are on the wrong track.
Physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure when they finally head out on their own and make them better able to form their own adult relationships.

"We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative
side effects," Miller said.

Americans in general don't like to be touched and pride themselves on
independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or
stressful time.

Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller
said she believes many parents "cheat," keeping the baby in the room with
them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she
believes many find their way into their parents' room on their own.

American parents shouldn't worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby
their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep
with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a
mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.

"There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma," Commons said. "My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks."

Besides fears of dependence, other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents' room and doctors' concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if it shared their bed, the pair said. The
nation's growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving
families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring
for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical
relationships.

"I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children,
"Commons said. "Punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people."

It is your baby's instinct to communicate with you by crying. It is your instinct to respond to your baby's cries. C. M.

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Stop going in. We found that made things a whole lot worse. The first couple days of doing this will be painful as a parent to do, but trust me, it can work wonders. After a few days of pure CIO with both of our kids, they were sleeping through the night. It seems cruel, but even our pediatrician recommended pure CIO without the frequent visits.

Good luck!

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I don't really believe in the idea of the Ferber method. My 8 month old daughter sleeps through the night and she has been since she was 3 months old. She slept with me for a long time (I'm a single mom and loved the cuddle time). I turned her crib into a mini mommy bed we have similar color sheets and I put pillows around where her head is. Often times I let her fall asleep in my bed because I'm usually up watching tv or on the computer and then move her into her room. When she wakes up at like 5 am I bring her back in bed with me for a couple hours until we have to get up and get ready. She still has the comfort of some co-sleep time, but she also gets to be a big girl and sleep in her bed.

As far as Ferber goes, I have never not picked up my daughter when she is crying. Don't turn on lights or talk to your son, just hold him rub his back give him kisses and sit with him until he calms down. If he has a favorite blankie or stuffed animal let him hold it, and he will eventually get the idea that just because he is sleeping in his own bed doesn't mean that mommy won't come and get him if he needs her. Babies are insecure and need us, if we don't show them that we are there for them they will panic and cry more.

Good luck!

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Hi A.,

You may find the "No Cry Sleep Solution," by Elizabeth Pantley helpful. Here is the google link where you can check out the book review and the book. I've never understood the CIO or Ferber methods. Both methods go against everything I feel as a parent/human. Dr. Sears has some good books that you may find helpful as well.

Hugs to you...listen to you intinct.
Peace,
J.

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I wish I had not done the Ferber method with my oldest. It did not make him a better sleeper. In fact he was my worst sleeper and did not sleep through the night on a regular basis until he was 2 1/2. Part of the reason we did Ferber with him was because he was collicky and that wore us down. We were sleep deprived and miserable and couldn't figure out how to make him and us happy at the same time. I have since learned better ways to handle collicky babies, and therefore can depend on kinder ways of getting a baby to sleep. This is what I do with my 18 month old: clean up toys. bath (but not always). PJ's. cup of milk (she doesn't always drink it) while reading a story. brush teeth. say prayer. breastfeed. If she doesn't fall asleep breastfeeding: song. hugs and kisses. put to bed while saying, "time to sleep. you have your bear. you have your blanket. here is your music (turn on music toy). goodnight." If she cries, I let it go no longer than 5 minutes. I go back in her room. I try to lay her down and put the blanket and music on again, but if she is really upset I hold her a moment before laying her down. Repeat the same stuff, maybe add that I'm not going anywhere, I'm just going to be in the living room. I do this up to 3 times, maybe letting the crying go for up to 10 minutes but not usually. If after 3 times she is still crying, I get her out of bed and nurse her again or if I'm gone my husband gives her a cup of milk again. Then it's back to bed. She started out difficult to put to bed but now she usually will go to sleep without crying at all. She often wakes about 2 hours later crying and we just pat her back, tell her to go to sleep, and turn the music toy back on. She goes back to sleep. Some nights are more difficult but those are usually when she's sick. Sometimes the problem is gas and a dose of Mylicon lets her sleep through the night. Good luck!

So glad to hear you are willing to respond to your baby instead of letting him cry out all his calories and feel stressed and confused. It's just not worth it. All three of my babies have slept near me, and the older two (the third is still little) both go to sleep happily in their own beds in their own room and stay there all night--since they were between 2 and 3. I mention this just so you know that a gradual transition really does work, and you won't have a baby in bed forever, and you are creating healthy, comforting sleep associations when you meet your baby's needs.
I know several mothers who really appreciated the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I hear her Web site is good, too, and she is also on Facebook. Her suggestions are gentle and effective.
Good for you for being a responsive and intuitive mother. You'll be reaping the benefits of creating trust with yoru child forever.

I agree with KL, you should not be the one to go in and soothe him. I would do that with my daughter, but she would scream louder when I left and it made it worse because she thought I would pick her up and hold her or feed her. :( Her daddy had to go in there, and yes, she would still cry and scream for a while, but it would work much better. Eventually though, she did start putting herself to sleep because she would be worn out. It killed me to let her cry when she just wanted to be held and comforted, but it is what's best for them. She's doing much better, I think it's still hard for me because I feel like it's my job to comfort her whenever she wants/needs it and when I just let her cry, it breaks my heart. But she really has been doing better and seems to be doing better during the day now as well. The first couple of weeks she was really cranky because she was losing sleep crying and screaming, but she's much happier now. Don't give up, good luck!

Hi A.,

As you can see, the CIO approach is met with differing opinions, including from people who ridicule those who use it. You have to decide yourself if this is the right approach for you. This approach isn't for everyone - it's hard to listen to a baby cry. Because you say in your question about it that it seems like cruel and unusual punishment, it probably isn't for you.

Try the no cry sleep solution Janet mentions. If you decide to give the Ferber method one more shot, make sure you really look at the clock - 5 minutes added to each time, no variations. (Don't just think that it has been 20 minutes since you went in last - really know.) Don't pick him up, don't look at him, don't talk to him - stay only about 10 seconds patting his back. Leave the room. It should get better after a week of strictly following this pattern. At the outside, it shouldn't take more than 2 weeks, and he shouldn't be doing long crying jags by then.

One of your posters said to not go back in. That's the approach I took. Yes, it was hard. I was in my mid 30's and was working full time and would not have been able to be a good mother or keep my job if I continued to have to get up 3 times a night with my son. I did what my doctor said I should do, (either of the Ferber methods I've mentioned) and it took 4 nights for him to start sleeping through the night. That last night he cried for 20 minutes.

You have to be resolute and really look at the clock. You cannot be wishy-washy. If baby is sick, you throw it all out the window and attend to his needs. When he's well again, you may have to go back to the training, but it's all about teaching them to self-soothe. If you can't stomach the crying after giving it a totally consistent and long enough shot, try another approach.

Good luck,
D.

I did the ferber method but it was about 5 months of age so I have never read much on it when the child is much older. I would assume it to be much harder at 15 months since they are more aware and use to the routine for so long. However I am sure it cn still work. The ferber method can be altered in several ways that is best suited for mom and child. One is sit next to the crib till they fall asleep and slowly move the chair further and further away till you put it outside the room. Another is to leave and just let him cry it out witout entering. Then there is the method you currently are doing. Not sure how long you have ben doing this but one mom always told me give everything you try at least 2 weeks if it is getting better even if you are not totally ther but see pogress stick with it. They say the first few nights will be the worse and you will be very tired, exhausted and frustrated. He is old enough that knows that if he keeps crying you will come in and he is old enough to play the game. He is old enough you can try to explain to him every night what is going to take place before it happens...he will still fight it but eventually will learn that this is what needs to happen. Good luck

When I used the Ferber method with my first son it took a few hours for 2 or 3 days (getting better each night). Hang in there and follow the schedule set out in the book!! Also, if your son is used to you being the person who gets him up in the morning, or if you nurse him, maybe someone else can go in and soothe him in the middle of the night. My husband had to do it because my son associated me coming in during the night with being able to nurse, so that made it more frustrating for him when all he was going to get was some soothing! Good luck.

Sorry I'm late to reply.
Have you tried rading the book: The No Cry Sleep Solution? It worked great with our 2 after they co-slept :)

Best of luck!

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about trying some things to help your kids and yourself. My heavens - we feel WAY too much guilt as mothers these days. You are a concerned mother trying your best - you have the best of intentions - so give up the guilt. And by the way - no matter what people say, CIY & Ferber (which really is different than CIY - if people say differently, they don't understand it) are not inherently evil. They will not do permanent psychological damage to your kids. Neither, by the way, will co-sleeping, breast feeding, formula feeding, immunizations, soy milk, cow's milk, time outs, no time outs or any other thing that gets us as mother so riled up & thinking we know what's best for us & everyone else we meet.

The truth is that Ferber works wonderfully for a huge number of people, including me. Granted, I started when my kids were just a few months old to encourage them to sleep independently. I would imagine that starting at 15 months after cosleeping will take longer and be a little rough. You have to expected it to be rough at first. It is completely natural for your son to cry harder when you come in. He's trying his darnedest to get you to pick him up. It is NOT cruel for you to just try to soothe him without picking him up. It may take hours the first few nights. But I promise you that it will get easier. He will get the hang of it & in a week the crying will be minimal to non-existant. That being said, the Ferber method is not for everyone and there are more ways that one to go about this. So try different things & figure out what works for you & your family. But don't give up on Ferber out of misplaced guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty about. And I'm really sorry to all you fabulous moms out there who feel differently, but I'm really sick of all of us as moms guilting each other for our well-intentioned methods of rearing our children!!!

There was an article in Parenting magazine recently about a graduated method of CIO that's less traumatic. You basically sit next to the crib and can talk to him/pat him all you want for however long it takes for him to fall asleep. You can't pick him up though. Then, the next week, you sit in the middle of the room and do it. The following week, you do it from the doorway. It's much more humane (b/c the child sees you there for the whole time so he's not alone) but still gives him teh chance to teach himself how to fall asleep on his own. I'm planning on trying this out myself on my 10-month-old this weekend. That being said, I think it really does depend on your baby what works. I know for my baby, if I were to go in and out every 5 minutes, 10 min etc, it'd just be teasing him and he'd get hysterical. Better to either just stay in there constantly or stay out of there consistently. Again, that's for my kid but it maybe the same with yours. Good luck!

The Ferber Method is shockingly different from co-sleeping, particulalry to a baby as old as 15 months. The book Good Nights has a section called (something like) "10 nights to sleeping through the night," and it's geared for babies who have reached their first birthday who co-sleep. It is very different than the Ferber method. I agree with you that switching to the Ferber method now seems cruel and unusual punishment. I hope you'll try the Good Nights approach.

I'd recommend picking up the no cry sleep solution by elizabeth pantley. She has one specifically for toddlers.
if he doesn't calm down when you go in he will likely cry till he makes himself sick if you just leave him.

I do have to say this, he may not be ready to sleep through the night, my daughter who is 8 now didn't sleep through the night till she was 3 yrs old. My son slept through the night at about a year. I did nothing different with either one. I think there are things you can do to encourage them to sleep all night but I think they sleep through the night when they are ready.

He needs to figure out how to comfort himself and put himself to sleep. It's a good thing your starting now, because the older they get, the harder it is to break the habit.

Starting when my babies were 3mo or so I would never let them fall completely asleep in my arms. I would rock them until they were almost sleep, then lay them down and let them go to sleep on their own. With a 15mo this may be more difficult because he can stand up in the crib, and has the stamina to scream and cry for longer periods of time.

Instead of picking him up, try lying him back down and gently rubbing his face or hand to comfort him. If that doesn't work, sit on the floor next to his crib so he knows you're there, but not going to pick him up. You may have to alternate soothing him with a gentle touch and sitting next to the crib several times at first.

As the days (or weeks) go by, instead of sitting next to the crib, move closer and closer to the door until you're able to leave the room without him falling apart. It's gonna be a challenge, and you'll need to be patient, but like I said before, the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. Best of luck!

Try talking or singing as you sooth and continue as you leave the room. I even put a chair outside my son's room and would sing through the door for a short time until he was calm. It was more like weening him from me step by step instead of just cutting him off. It's so hard and just takes time.

Unfortunately this will probably take longer to do since your son is already 15 mos. We did this with our daughter at 4 mos and she cried one night for a little over an hr and then went to sleep and has been sleeping thru the night since (she is 17 mos). We did a bedtime routine (rocking, reading books, then pjs and nighttime diaper) and then put her down in the crib awake and turned on the little music box for her. She started to cry after I left and i went in at 5 mins and patted her back, did the shhhhh, but i did not look her in the eye and i did not talk to her and dont turn on the light...just did the shhhh and the patting/rubbing. then i walked out. she kept crying so i stretched it a little longer and continued to stretch it until she stopped crying and rolled over and went to sleep. the next night, she went right down, no crying. Of course, i would not do this if my child is ill. Do you have a paci for him? It might help. It's hard and it will take longer to accomplish because of the age. GOod luck!

The first time we let our son's (we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old) it seemed never ending. Our first born cried over an hour the first night, the second night it was 40 min and the third night it was 20 min and dimished gradually each night thereafter. The second cried about 40 min the first night, 20 min the second and dimished. It takes alot of restrain to not run into comfort them but I just kept telling myself that they were learning a much needed skill (falling asleep on their own) much like walking or potty training. I recommend putting them down and NOT returning too the room. Put up a video monitor if you can afford one just for peace of mind. If you can't leave the door open a crack so that you can peak in without them knowing (turn the crib or move it so that you can see in and they can't see you).They are wonderful sleepers now and it was a short week of training in the grand scheme of things.
Good Luck.

Even thought it sounds like you made you decision, I thought I would offer my own experience just in case. I'm not sure what the Ferber method consists of but what we did with our little ones is put them in their crib at night (in their own room) and for 3 nights we let them cry themselves to sleep. My daughter did not like this at all and the second night was the worst (she cried off and on for 2 hours). However, neither her nor I were getting good sleep and she was too big for her crib in my room so we were at an impass. After three nights, she went to bed, cried about 15 minutes and then fell asleep. She cried before bed for several months but that's just her personality. My son was easier and adapted quickly which is good because he shares a room with big sister. We didn't go in at all when they were crying themselves to sleep because it only made things worse. It was heartbreaking to us as parents but no one was sleeping well with the kids in the bed.
That being said, do what works for your family. I won't be there when you have a crying little boy at night so you need to figure out what works for you and your family.
Best of luck,
M.
Mother of 2 with one on the way

Hi A.,

You asked why the Ferber method isn't working for you? Your son got used to sleeping with you for 15 months and now all of a sudden he is on his own to cry. Maybe a more gradual approach would work better.

I co-slept with my son until he was 7 months. After that, he would nurse to sleep and I would put him in his crib. When I weaned him at 15 months and he no longer nursed to sleep, we established a new routine. Bath time, reading stories, sing some songs, listen to music with the lights out, while I rocked him in the rocking chair. I know I can't keep this up forever, so once we move him to a toddler bed (maybe when he's 2?), I plan to have him lay in bed while I read and we will do the same thing, he just wont be in my arms.

Another thing I make sure of before we start the nighttime routine is that he's actually tired. I don't want to start the process if I think he will be playing around for two hours!

Go with your gut. If you can't bear to hear him cry, don't let him! Is there another method you could try or are you sold on this one? I read a whole bunch of sleep books and they did not help me. I just tend to my son whenever he needs me, because I know it won't be forever and I enjoy our time together.

Good luck :)

So sorry you're going through this! I am on night four of letting my son "cry it out." It has been hard, but I know nothing is wrong with him. I got in the habit since I started working in January to just put him our bed when he woke up in the middle of the night, I was just too tired to try anything else. It got to the point when I walked in his room, he was holding up his little pillow and blanket, like "ummm..hello mom, I'm ready to sleep with ya'll." I think your situation is a little different from mine since ya'll have been co-sleeping. My son has been in his crib since he was 2 months. And of course, we've gone through stages of sleeping all night and then waking up three times! Sorry, I am babbling, but it has worked for me. Monday was the hardest, he cried for about 30 minutes. Tuesday, no kidding you, five minutes. And last night, 2 minutes!!! He goes to bed at eight and wakes up at 7:30, and like clock work he wakes up to cry/saying juice at 11:50. But I lay him down each night, turn on his turtle night light, tell him where his cup is in case he gets thirsty, how much I love him, pray with him, and tell him that this is his bed and where he sleeps. So fingers crossed that you find what works for you! All the best!