I know I haven't been on here at all lately. I've been busy with school and getting ready for our move.
But last night something happened. I just have to get this out!
A little background would probably help. Hubby and I have been together almost 5 years. He gained around 100 lbs about a year in to the relationship. For awhile after that I was pregnant, breastfeeding, pregnant again, and then breastfeeding again. So my sex drive was up and down. He was always in the mood and all over me regardless though. Then two years ago everything changed. When I noticed things changing we were having sex once or twice a week. But both of us had high sex drives. And he was initiating/ flirting/ groping a whole lot less.
A year and a half ago he decided to finally lose weight. We changed our diet and lifestyle. He has lost only 25 lbs in a year and a half.
But still sex just wasn't on his mind anymore. It was now happening once every week or two.
Now here we are... we can easily go a month without even talking about sex. I used to try so hard to better things. Nothing worked. The more I chased him the more he pulled away. He now has such low self esteem that he's lost his passion. He expects me to initiate every time. And do all the work. But I've also lost all interest. I feel like it's pointless now.
So last night we had sex for the first time in a month. I initiated because earlier in the day he had flirted and said he wanted to. But once we started he didn't do much. No passion. I wasn't into it at all. I even cried at the end because it made me feel crappy and used.
Today I tried to explain it to him. Total fail.
I don't know where to go with this.
Any ladies been here before?
J.-
Apart from getting medical help and or counseling, which I think is a good idea. I think having s3x, having it regularly, even if you have to initiate, do all the work, and he seems indifferent, might be a good idea. Thank him for making the effort to do something which is so enjoyable for you, even though it isn't high on his agenda right now. S3x begets s3x and better S3x.
Best,
F. B.
Sigh. I hate to say this in such a blunt way, but here goes: This is a hormonal issue. When men are fat, they become testosterone deficient. Testosterone deficiency basically causes male PMS. Grumpy, tired, no libido, flabby... This is further exacerbated by the fact that fat also produces estrogen, with produces muscle flaccidity.
He needs to work out and lose weight. And, honestly, if your own activity level isn't that great, you ought to get in on it too. It will make both of you feel better. Don't misunderstand, I know you're not fat...but in a marriage, if one partner is struggling, it's easier if everyone gets on board with eating healthily and exercising. ♥
I hear ya, I can't get laid to save my life, and I live with The Sex God.
I mean we have a very sexual relationship still. We are always flirting and showing attraction to each other. But we never actually DO the deed unless I make him.
Sigh. But he's nice for other things, too. So I try to focus on those things. With variable success.
I'll be watching your answers.
:)
Hi J.,
In remembering your recent posts, something occurred to me:
I think both you and your husband have a LOT of stress going on right now. A big move coming up, your husband is likely changing jobs and a bit nervous, and his family is obviously not making things easy for him.
I think a couple of the suggestions below really spoke to me:
Christy Lee is right, if his testosterone is low, he's likely feeling it in many ways. You two could start focusing on getting more exercise together.
Marriage counseling is also great idea. It may be that you both have things you need to say to each other, but just don't know how. You've been through a lot recently.
In a marriage, we go through 'dry spells' from time to time. Where we look at our Significant Other, smile and say "oh, we'd love to and we're both tired. Another time?" and still feel connected. I am wondering if you were feeling despair --not because of the sex itself, but because of the lack of connection.
It sounds as though you two need a little help reconnecting in that 'heart' way, and a good marriage counselor can help to remind you what you both initially were drawn to about each other, and how to rebuild that bridge which connects the both of you.
My husband and I had issues with sex for years, it was not until after a lot of counseling (individual and couples) that we really learned to listen to each other, to talk openly and to listen without judgment, and that has made all the difference in our sex life and day to day life. Counseling can be an amazing tool, I know it saved my marriage, but it also took a lot of hard work on both of our parts. Both partners have to give it 100% or it won't work. I also had to learn to accept myself and my changed body before I could really open up sexually, and it sounds like your husband might have the same types of issues, so if he agrees to counseling be patient with him, learning to love oneself is a process.
aw, sweetie. not much helpful to say, just a hug. sorry this is happening, and sure hope you can figure out a happy solution.
{{{}}}
khairete
S.
All marriages have physical peaks and valleys.
Sometimes you just have to walk the walk til you're both talking the talk!
As Nike says: Just Do It.
Don't over analyze every encounter. Just focus on your husband & enjoyment!
Some marriage counseling might help.
You just need a way to communicate and a counselor can help you both to express your feelings in constructive ways.
Gosh I am just like him.
I am tired from the kids at the end of the day and just want to read, and then go to bed.
It sounds to me like he's feeling insecure about his body and probably hormonal issues as well. I would think about seeing a counselor to help you two navigate how to fix this. It sounds to me like he really needs to work on himself and get back into a shape that he feels good about. That will help him re-engage with you in a meaningful way. I'm sorry he's feeling down about his size, and I'm certainly no size 2, but he needs to work harder on it if it's affecting his sex drive and relations with you. It's not your job to initiate everything, and who wants to have sex with someone who just isn't into it? Time for him to get it together if he cares about the marriage and himself.
Please ask him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone level checked. If THIS is the problem, nothing is going to help if it isn't addressed.
So sorry...
Since he gained so much weight is he taking medication for high blood pressure or diabetes? Some of those meds can slow down the urge for sex in men.
Maybe I'm way off, but the first thought that came to mind was that your husband is cheating on you. What is a kind of husband who rarely wants sex from his wife? A husband who is getting it from someone else. So that was my first thought. However, if he is still extremely overweight, maybe I'm wrong (however, not to say that extremely overweight people do not cheat - but I do think it would be more rare). Hopefully he isn't cheating on you, but it does seem like he is. Good luck! *ADD* Okay, I just read the first paragraph of JB's reply, and that makes sense, so as I said, maybe I'm way off!
