Feeling Sad

Be happy that she loves him! Be THRILLED that he is taking such good care of her that she WANTS to be with him.

I know it's hard to be a split family. But for your Daughters Sake, TRY to get on speaking terms with your ex, you BOTH should be making decisions about her life, you BOTH should know what is going on in each others homes. Perhaps you could start to mend fences by writing "progress reports" back and forth. Start keeping a journal of what HE is missing during the time he doesn't have her, and ask that he do the same for you.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with the last poster that it is normal to feel sad when your child seems or appears unhappy to see you. My kids also does this to me when they come home from a relatives house after having a great time.
I'm sure she was her loving self towards you after the transition was over and she had some time to readjust to being home again. I think sometimes its hard for very young children to adjust immediately after being away from home a couple of days.
maybe you can look at it in another way and try to be happy that your child had a great time with her dad. And that she felt comfortable being with him.
Also, try to establish a some type relationship with her father that will allow you to share in her time with him. That way you will feel okay about asking him about what they did together.
I know parents who cannot stand each other but when it comes to the kids they can put aside their differences and work as a team.

Hello J., I can understand your saddness, as mothers we are possessive of our children. But don't take this personally, your daughter is just having a hard time with being bounced back and forth. This age takes more time to adjust to change. It is a great sign in terms of her sense of security with her father. She must have had a good time or she would have been overly thrilled at seeing you again. This will become easier as she learns to talk. Good luck.

After we adopted our son from Russia, I had an experience like that with our church nursery. Our new boy didn't want to come back to me after being held constantly and loved on in there. (Everyone at church wanted to take care of Noah!) It broke my heart!

I am happy to say, though, that after the sadness passed, I was able to realize what a blessing it really was that others loved him too.

Hang in there!

S.

I do agree with the others. be happy that she enjoys the time. you wouldn't want her to be miserable with him all weekend. also, i want to add that a friend of mine used to tell me that when she was with her son all day, he wanted nothing to do with daddy, and then when he was with his daddy all day and she woudl come home, she was hurt when he wouldn't give her the time of day! kids live in the moment. they are into what is happening NOW. if they are having fun, they don't want to stop because they aren't thinking about later.

also, as a grown child of divorced parents i would like to offer this advice...take it or leave it. your child did not choose to be in this situation, and should NOT have to deal with the emotional difficulties that come with parents who obviously and visibly don't like each other and don't get along. she should not be made to feel guilty for loving her father, or for having fun with him. she should not be pumped for information on what is going on with him, or have to hear negative things about him. she loves him as her father. i realize that she is too little right now for it to impact her,but she is growing and learning quickly, and babies can sense these things at a young age. any things you two need to work out need to be done away from your daughter for her sake. even if you fake it, be kind to each other in front of her and do it well!

God's blessings to you!

i don't think you are over reacting but take it as a good thing that she loves her dad, my husband and i are still together and our girls are always comming to me i just wish they would go to their dad and give me a break.

I can understand you feeling sad. Sorry you are going through this. But understand that seeing him is probably like seeing grandma. All fun, get what you want kind of visit. When my kids visit grandma, they are sad when they leave. It is a treat for them. Try not to worry too much.

I totally agree with Renee H. First, you should view it as a good thing that your daughter is having a good time during her weekends with her father. I would be just sick if I knew my son was miserable being away from me. It's good that she is comfortable with him. Second, you really need to get on speaking terms with your ex. You are both your daughter's parents. You need to find a way to get along. You should absolutely know what is going on while your daughter is away with him for the weekend! I can't imagine not knowing where my son was or what he was doing. Please for her sake, go out for a cup of coffee with him and try to come to some kind of understanding. You both owe it to her! Best of luck to all three of you!

J., 1st, Time to establish something good, Be the bigger person, go to Dad, Tell him as long as you are sharing your daughter, time to come to a common ground, for your daughter!
She CAN feel the negative feelings, feels good about her daddy and the negatives feelings between the 2 of you confuses her.
If you make peace, your daughter will feel it, It may make pass off's more comfortable. You loved him once, now your daughter is feeling the bond. Make it good hon, there is a LIFEtime of exchanges, do it for your daughter. Kath
(BEEN THERE!)

This can happen whether you are together or not. There are times my daughter only wants me and cries when I leave. There are times when she only wants her daddy and if he's not around she cries. So, it's not you. Kids go through these phases where they only want one parent. It just shows she is developing a good attachment to her daddy. She needs to have trust in her daddy, so it's a good thing. Just reassure her that she will see daddy again. Maybe have her color daddy a picture that she can take to him the next time.

Also, I know it must be very very difficult. You are dealing with so much. However, it is very important, for your daughters sake, that you are on speaking terms with your EX.

First, you as her mother NEED to know what goes on when she is soley with him. You need to be communicating with him on discipline, foods, sleep patterns etc... Consistency is a big thing for kids. They need to know what to expect, otherwise they feel insecure and that will often lead to poor behavior patterns.

Second, how YOU as a woman deal with her father will shape her future relationships. She will be learning for you and your ex. She is absorbing everything. Modeling good communication and being respectful to eachother will help her learn that same behavior.

Just some thoughts. I know it must be very difficult. I hope you both can find your way through the hurts to establish a good 'working' relationship for your daughter.

Reassure her that she will see Daddy again soon, I know it's hard for you but be happy that she loves her Dad and wants to be with him, and he with her. She needs to know her Dad and know that he will be there for her.

Children go through stages.... there will be times when its opposite and youmay think that he has done something when really its just a stage either time - I know its sad but its nothing you can do but be there for her I imagine it goes fast.

Hi J.,

As heartbreaking as this is for you, it is perfectly normal. Your daughter is now at the age where she is starting to understand a lot more about what is going on. I am a mom as well as I have been working in the preschool/childcare field for 18 years. A baby could be in the same childcare center since they were 6 weeks old, and when they are close to a year, they start to cry when their parents leave. This is just a sign that they now understand what is happening. It doesn't mean that they don't want to be with you, I always tell parents wouldn't you cry to be with your mom or dad if you thought that people wouldn't look at you funny. I know I would. I'm sure this is what your daughter is reacting to. She understands that Daddy is leaving. Whereas before, she was just too young to get it. As she gets older, she will go back and forth with her reactions. Sometimes she will cry for you, sometimes she will cry for him, and sometimes she will not cry at all. This is perfectly normal. And, she won't really remember it or be affected by it. It just breaks your heart. But, that is why we are called mom.
Take care and hang in there.
E.

No time to read the others, so sorry for repeats. It's likely that dads house will be more of a mini-vacay for her and hey, who likes to come home from vacay! LOL Be grateful that she loves to be with him but don't be afraid to be candid with him about your feelings. Tell him that you trust him to keep his personal feelings to himself about you and just be a dad. He doesn't have to be a perfect dad...just an involved one!!

~L.

Stick it out. I was responsible for picking up my nephew every week sometimes he kicked & screamed, other times he ran into my arms. He is 5 yrs old now and it becomes a routine they get used to. This went on for about 3 months with me and then my brother was able to pick up drop off, it has been 5 years and there is still an occasional "I don't want to go". Even though you are not on the best of speaking terms you can address what they did over the weekend with asking questions like how was she? Play it off with "oh I was going to take her to the (ie: cider mill, park, zoo) have you been there with her etc. Since he really hasn't had her much you can casually mention to him things you noticed she enjoys and ask him to help raise her with the same discipline or schedules. This includes nap times (within reason) feeding times, bath time etc. Good Luck!! P.S. I know I said I did this for my nephew but my husband also went through this with my step daughter & her mom, we all have a wonderful relationship, it has been 15 years.

When my oldest was 12 months old, my mother had her in another state for a week or a littl more because I was giving birth to her little sister and had no one to care for her where I lived. When my mom brought her back, I was shocked because she clung to my mom and cried whenever I came near her. After a few hours, she relaxed and warmed back up to me. A few months later, when I went back to work, one of the first days I came home after my workday to my apartment, my oldest clung to the sitter and cried when I took her. Again, this seemed to come out of the blue! I guess this was just her way of dealing with my absence and return, but it hurt me a lot. She is grown now, very smart, a doctor and loving mom herself. She and I are close. She never acted like a really sensitive child except on those 2 occasions. In fact, she was a little toughie most of the time. I don't know why she handled her emotions this way.

Don't know if this helps or what you can do to prevent this at this early age, but hopefuly she'll adjust to the back & forth soon. Can you try to talk to him about it and see if you can get any clues?

Its normal for you to feel sad that it happens.I agree with the other moms.She's now bonding with her daddy.Its good that he's in her life even though you 2 dont speak.Yes explain to her she will see him again soon.I went through it with my daughter.As a single mom its hard.But don't worry about a thing. :)

J.

J.,

Whatever your feelings for the father, I'm sure you realize that is in the best interest of your daughter to be on speaking terms with him. It may not be easy, but I'm also sure you agree that your daughter's feelings come first. --I would definately want to know how my daughter spent her weekends! Best of luck to you and your family.

A.

First of all, this is not about you. She loves you and you are almost everything to her... the almost is because she does have a father. The jealousy is normal (even when you are together and the kids only want daddy, it hurts like crazy), so be assured that this is not about her love for you, that is unchanged. It is also not about what they are or aren't doing. Father's and mothers relate to kids in different ways, and I believe that is why we have both. I love both of my parents equally but if I saw one all the time and never saw the other one, I would want that time to keep going. Also, at this age they are at developmental stages that they are learning about separation, read "what to expect the toddler years" for ongoing information about what to expect at different stages, I love this book for reference. Plus, some kids are more sensitive to transitions.

I have been through a divorce myself, and had these same feelings. But I learned that just because I hated my ex, and we didn't communicate well, didn't mean my son hated him, or should. I hope that you can work through this and highly recommend counseling for yourself, you are dealing with A LOT! The counseling will help you work through the feelings of jealousy, anger, and every else, and you can learn how to deal with him in a healthy manner for the sake of all of you. I know that the communication problems are probably mostly his fault, but you can learn how to communicate in a way that he will respond to positively. It is important for your daughter that you have a good relationship with her father, as this is how she will pattern the relationships in her life. I am finally able to talk to my ex, in a way that is constructive and healthy for my son. It took too long, it was a miserable 7 years.

I commend you for putting this post out there and seeking advice, it shows a level of maturity that will be necessary to deal with all of the stress of being seperated from your child's father. I hope that you aren't offended by this post, I certainly don't mean it that way and was offended when people suggested I get counseling to deal with my ex. But I was so glad once I did. I finally learned how to talk to him so that I could get results. Good luck.

J. -

You should not feel like your daughter doesn't love you as much or that her daddy is her favorite. It must be very difficult for her not to have both of you around, and is just growing into the age and ability to have very real connections to people.

Just know that no matter what your daughter will always love you probably more than she can even tell you. And it is all too common for the parent who has her home the most is bound to get more of her not-so-great behavior. It happens often with babysitters, too, that moms or dad can feel they get back-seat attention from their little ones.

Instead, take it as a sign that she is developing a very good relationship with her father, important for all of you, and especially for her.

As long as you give her a lot of attention and affection and don't speak badly about her father in front of her that she will always love and respect you, no matter how much she loves her pappy too.

Dana