16 answers

Feeling Obsessed About Her 15 Yr Daughter's Relationship W/17 Yr Old Boyfriend

Ever since my 15 yr daughter started going out with a 17 yr old (she is a freshman and he is a junior), I feel like I'm losing my mind! I feel that I am overly obsessed with her relationship. I try to rationalize that I am normal in that this is her first boyfriend and he is 2 yrs older! However, I am trying to figure out how normal this feeling is! I ask her questions....get nothing. But if I wait a few days .... she tells me so much. So, I try to keep my mouth shut until she opens up. But during the days that I don't "ask her anything" .... i am dieing of curiousity! This is my only child and I think I'm going through a transition as a parent. How much should I be interested!? Sometimes I feel like I'm following a reality show...talking with my husband about her dating life. I feel that I'm having trouble even writing what I'm feeling.....it's probably coming across as NORMAL. But seriously...I can't get her and him out of my mind.

I trust her...and know what she isn't ready for anything sexual...but not sure about him. He is very shy...but he's 17!!!!! So maybe I"m overly concerned b/c I realize that soon there will be issues she'll be dealing with....????

Anyone relate to anything I'm saying?

1 mom found this helpful

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More Answers

I can completely relate. I have an only 15 yr old daughter.

From LONG ago, communication was key and it is key now as well. I try VERY HARD not to push for any info because she will give it to me in her own time. Thankfully, she is very open and communicative with me and I have expressed how I feel as a mom and my daughter going though this stage to her.

She understands that I want to know because things are so different from my "dinosaur days, HA", and she is quite open with me on everything going on with her, her friends, etc.

She does not have a "boyfriend" BUT most of her true friends are boys. Yes she has girlfrends, but she confides in a couple of her guy friends vs boys.

I just try to keep an open mind and whenever SHE wants to chat, I drop everything and chat. Like your daughter, my daughter is not into the sexual arena but she is fully aware of what is going on.

She was toiling tonight over Friday night plans witha couple of guy friends.... I said it is not like you are boy/girl friends and she told me... once of the guys likes me and I don't want to lead him on by hangong out this weekend. Another drama here is the 10th grader who has been "wooing" her and his "rules" were that she not talk to any other guys. She really likes this guy.... I was so proud when she told me " I told __ that I am not getting married anytime soon and a lot of my friends are guys so if you can't deal with that, then we can stay friends instead of boyfriend/girlfriend?" My daughter is not into sex...however, she informs me on who is... Keep an OPEN mind and OPEN COMMUNICATION.

So far that has worked. God bless you.... we are dealing with this drama all the time!! Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful

You do sound obsessed ("I can't get her and him out of my mind.") This could handicap you in having a healthy relationship with your daughter. I suggest that you talk with other mothers, as you're asking to do on this site, about how they handle their feelings. I suggest focusing on your feelings and see if you can discover why you can't get them out of your mind. Writing, as in journaling, might help you do this.

I also suggest that it might help you if you talk with a counselor about possible reasons that you're so involved with having to know the details of her relationship. I understand being concerned about his sexual experience and expectations. That is normal. But constantly thinking about it seems obsessive to me.

When you say that you feel like you're following a reality show, talking with your husband about your daughter's dating, I wonder if you've allowed what is happening to become a way of expressing your drama. What was your experience with dating when you were her age or close to it? Are you vicariously enjoying her experience?

I've read and found it to be true that the issues we faced at an age similar to the age of our daughters now often come to the surface again so that we can deal with them. Do you have any unresolved issues from when you were a teen? How did your parents treat you when you began dating? Was dating a good experience for you? Did you date at 15? That sort of thing.

I would expect that you'd already have found ways to get to know him so that you'd have a better idea of who he is or that you would be asking us how to relieve your anxiety. Even tho you didn't ask, I suggest that you invite the boy for dinner or an outing and get to know him just as you've gotten to know her other friends. Perhaps they could do homework together at your house.

I would not assume that because he's older he is sexually experienced or will pressure your daughter into having sex. Since he's shy, I would guess that it's possible that he's as inexperienced as your daughter. I suggest that he could be the right person with whom your daughter to begin this stage in her life.

If you've taught her well she will have your values. Since she is talking with you she is likely to talk with you if she does feel pressured, either by herself or by him. What is important is for you to have a demeanor that is calm and accepting of anything that she talks about. Allow her to ask for advice before giving it. You can ask her if she'd like your idea on that subject and this will usually enable a discussion.

I'm glad that you've figured out to wait until she wants to talk instead of asking her all about it when she gets home. That is a great first step. The next step is to listen to her with an open mind. And.....to deal with your issues without involving her. We all have our own issues and it's easy to project them onto our children. We need to accept our children as they are and be available to help them think thru and make their own decisions. If we see them in over their heads then we do need to intervene. That is another question which I won't write about now.

3 moms found this helpful

i think 15 is too young to date.

2 moms found this helpful

I have a 17 year old son.
He is a sweet kid who wants nothing more than to just hang out with his "girl du jour". He is not into making out or having sex. He has his future all mapped out. He is not going to risk it for some girl.
I think you might need to spend some time with this boy - to see what kind of kid he is.
YMMV
LBC

2 moms found this helpful

The fact that you're concerned, that you don't feel that your involvement is "normal," strongly suggests you would do well to talk to a counselor about this. Sometimes moms do get so wrapped up in their children that they lose themselves, or their recognition of themselves as separate from these young persons in whom they have invested so much of their lives. Some of what you're experiencing could be normal motherly concern, but you might have transferred too much your emotional energy into living vicariously through your daughter.

Good for you for recognizing a possible problem! I agree with Marda that this could affect your relationship with your daughter in a negative way. Seek professional help in finding healthier boundaries.

2 moms found this helpful

Hahaha! Maybe this is what my mom felt like when I was 15 and dating for the first time . . .

Seriously though, your feelings are probably very normal. My daughter is only 5 right now and at the age where she volunteers information freely but I know that there will come a day when she will be well on her way to being an adult and may not want to share intimate details of her life with me. I'm dreading that day also because I'm pretty sure that it will drive me mad as well because she will always be my little baby. She can be 35 and she would still be my little baby.

Continue playing it cool because that seems to be the best way to get your daughter to share information. Continue asking questions and imparting tidbits of wisdom here and there to her but do so in a very off-handed manner so that she can be armed with knowledge and can be free to make her own decisions based upon your guidance.

Hang in there Mom, I'm sure you are doing all the right things.

2 moms found this helpful

I am not at this point yet like you are but please talk to her about sex and about safe sex.
You might think she is not ready but she might be interested to do something that he presents to her. She might try something to make him happy.

I feel your pain mama, I know that I will be a mess when it is my turn and I have 3 kids and one on the way. My oldest is a girl and she is ten and it freaks me out just thinking about it.

I wish you the best.

1 mom found this helpful

You say that you trust your daughter, right?? If you get too obsessed with this relationship then she will close you out completely. She needs to experience life and she will never do this if you jump in her private life all the time. I know how you are feeling because I also have a daughter. She has always been so trustworthy and independent. I know that any man who chooses to deal with my daughter will probably have his ego clipped and he will know which path she wants him to walk on. I talk to my daughter when I get a chance (since she is in Oregon State University) and she is a lot smarter about life then I ever was. I would suggest that you do a few things as mother and daughter and find out what kind of thoughts and feelings she has about things. It does not necessarily have to be about relationships. It will give you reassurance about her frame of mind.

1 mom found this helpful

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