Feeling Not So Fond of Partner -- How Much of That Is Ok?

Oh so glad you posted. I really feel like this sometimes, and then I feel terrible that I feel like this. Good to know that I'm not alone. I just feel a little like we've gotten into a rut and I would like something new. I know that I've felt this way before and it's passed. I think part of this issue is that the kids and work wear me out so much that I don't feel like that I have anything left to give to the relationship, and I think that he feels the same way. I agree with the other poster that just doing something little can help you remember why you are married. Turning off the TV and playing a card game, doing a crossword puzzle, or something bigger (we're going away for one night this weekend and I'm really hoping that will help). My only other advice is a little personal - when we get this way I am not particularly inclined to be intimate, and then the problem worsens and the cycle continues. I don't know if that's the case with you, but if it is, do whatever you can to psych yourself up and break the cycle. I think that sometimes as moms we forget that we are also adults with other needs and when that isn't addressed our relationships suffer. I don't know if this was helpful at all, but it felt good to comiserate.

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Hi D. - I understand how you feel 100%. I feel the same way sometimes... my husband is a good man & father. He is thoughtful, tries hard, works hard, but I too get annoyed & disappointed. I really try to pull myself back, out of the moment & whatever small thing has be irked to look at the bigger picture. I look at the histroy we have together, all that we have invested in together (NOT talking financially here), and ultimately our love & committment together. It can be VERY stressful at time (most times!) - we work full time and have 2 small children. It really helps to make time for us, although we don't do it nearly enough. Go on a date once in a while, that is key... Good luck - looking forward to what others think.

One last thought... it takes a LOT of effort & work to keep your marriage healthy & thriving, so don't give up on it... not to sound corney at all, but love it like a fire, you have to keep it going or it'll just burn right out.

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Hi D.,
I am a 40 year old mother of two girls ages 13 and 8. I've been married for 19 years! That's a really long time these days. I find that I go through stages where sometimes everything seems fine and my husband and I are in sync (sp), and then there are times where I just don't like him at all and I want a divorce. He is a good man, loves me deeply and the children as well, so I cannot justify my feelings. I think it could be my age and the realization that life is very short, I think I got married too young, I didn't do enough before I settled down with kids, etc, etc. Then I realize that I will not put my children through a divorce and I make the decision that my life is pretty darn good. I try really hard to imagine my life without him and it's nearly impossible (especially since we have kids). I think it may also be a case where the grass is always greener. You don't know what you got til it's gone. You know what I mean?
I know that when my kids were very young it was difficult to connect with my husband because I was so wrapped up in them and so exhausted all the time. It definitely gets easier as the kids get older and more independent. I find a nice weekend away, just the two of us, is always helpful to reconnect.
I hope this helps - knowing that you are not alone and it is normal to have these types of feelings.
What it comes down to - you need to make the decision to make it work and be happy with what you have.

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Hello D., I absolutely understand how you feel. Sometimes there are moments in my relationship when I am not too fond of my partner either. I think this is due to the fact that some people tend to grow apart with age a little.

However, when I have these phases I try to recount all the fun moments that we've spent together and all the hard times that my partner has helped me through. For example, I know that we value similar things (such as family, health, athletics, hard working attitude). We also like to play sports together, watch movies and shows together in the evenings, etc.

Then I always talk to my partner about what we can do to make things work out better. Maybe we can go away on a trip together, possibly go out to the movies, or spend the evening playing racket ball. Men are very simple and they don't realize that they are doing something wrong or acting in a way that you don't appreciate. Therefore, it's always good to remind them, and in most cases they try to change whatever they do that makes you love them less.

Hope this helps!

A.

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Hi D.!
Sounds pretty normal to me! Have you told him how you feel? A lot of this sounds like maybe you need to go on a date-without the little ones and remember what it was that brought you together in the first place. Everyday life with kids can get a little stale but it does not mean that it's not a good life it just means that you have to throw a little spice in there every now and then-talk with him!! It sounds as though you care and love him enough if you are upset....so thats a good thing! Being married 12 years with 2 kids myself I've been there and it is upsetting and scarey....just be open with him and talk about it with him-I find that sometimes he feels a lttle lost himself.

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I know what you mean. And sometimes cultural differences can aggravate things. But it sounds like a sound relationship and one worth working on but I am not sure how. Having babies does complicate things. It does become harder to connect with your husband. Currently my husband and I seem to live on 2 different time zones. Luckily it does not feel like a problem yet. But I can't imagine that we can continue indefinitely like this. Maybe once the kids are a few months older you can leave them with their grandparents and take a trip just the two of you for a month. Or if that's not possible on a regular basis just try to do small spontaneous things together. Go for a walk, chat (talk about what you expect from life, where you see yourselves in 2 years), eat out. Actually the small things are sometimes more effective.

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Hi D.,
I know exactly how you feel, and I think everyone goes through this from time to time (or a lot of people). I think this is why they call marriage 'work.' What I do when I go through phases like this is try to think about the good things my husband brings to my life and that of my son really objectively. I also think about the things that I loved about him when we were first together. The things that attracted me to him, and that I would revel in when I was thinking about him. I think about what my life would truly be like without him.

I also take the space and time I need away from my husband in my day-to-day life, as others have said, with my own interests. It's important to try to find one time during the day that you make the effort to be close to your husband, though, or else you run the risk of losing all intimacy all together. I read somewhere that to be close you have to get close. I think these things go in phases, I've only been married since 2005 myself but so far this is how I'm working it out. Good luck!

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Have you ever heard the phrase, "I love you, but I don't like you very much right now."

So true. Everyone has their lulls in their relationship.
Give it time.. but, if you can do something fun, just the two of you, that may help to reignite the fires.

As long as you both are loyal and respectful to each other and the relationship, it will work out. Remember, it's a journey, and not every road is lined with gold. But when the foundation is built of love (which also goes through different phases), it will endure.

Good luck.

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hmmm... this is tough. I felt this way about my older daughters father, and I KNEW I couldnt spend the rest of my life with him, it was hard, but it had to be done. My now husband, Ive had my moments where I just can't stand him and would love to bop him in the nose, but I couldnt imagine living the rest of my life without him, he is my "one". I think you need to go with your gut, do alot of soul searching... and remember that be married requires falling in love over and over again. But, I guess you need to remember if you were ever actually in love in the beginning... good luck!

I do have the same feelings from time to time. I have been married to a wonderful man since 1999. I always love my husband but sometimes I don't like him. Like you, I get bored, frustrated, dissappointed, annoyed, etc. but it all comes back to the love I have for him and the reasons we got married. All relationships go through cycles and as in wedding vows you are in it for better or worse. If you have a good solid base for your marriage then a little down time should not worry you. Just think, he probably feels the same way about you sometimes but I bet he stills loves you and in the end that what counts.

I sometimes feel the same way...pretty much bored! I miss the whole "butterflies" feeling! I love my hubby greatly just do not feel as attracted to him as I used to. It is a tough thing cuz I know I DO love him but he can aggravate me a great deal. I know I am in that wierd phase now but figure it could be all from raising 2 young girls and feeling as if I have no more to give at the end of the day. Nonetheless, I also believe in not selling yourself short either! I think it is a decision you need to weigh on. If you truly feel like you are not in love anymore then that can be a tough way to live. Maybe consider marriage counselling, date nights, etc. Good luck!

Hi D.,
I completely know what you are feeling and going through. I've been married since 2003 and we have a 4 1/2 year old. My husband and I love each other, but I feel we live more like roomates than anything lately. I also feel that we've grown apart, and our interests have changed somewhat. WHAT TO DO, well, i hope and pray every day that this is a phase and will pass. I talk with him briefly about it occassionally, but it doesn't seem to help, nothing changes. There's the key word, you cannot change your mate. My husband is a hard worker and he's a kind respectful gentle man, that's why I was so interested in him... what does he lack, the ability to make me laugh, having fun together, living like a real couple. I stay because I should for my son in hopes that this is a phase, but I fear it isn't.

I think you have to find some interests that make YOU happy and live for you and your children, and also pray in time your relationship will blossom. Does he do anything with you and your children so that you aren't bored, or you see what made you fall in love with him in the beginning. I pray that things work out for you Damar... write to me anytime. ____@____.com. Blessings to you and your family!