Feeling like I'm Parenting by Myself

Hi G.,
I don't have any advice about how to get your husband to help more but I can sympathize with how difficult it is to have a new baby and all that goes along with it. So advice that was given to me was not to worry about the house work and ask for help from friends and family because this is a time when you really need it. I would have a heart to heart with your husband and explain all that you have on your plate. Sometimes men are just not that observant and they cannot understand what is going on with us emotionally especially after having a baby. What also helped me was breaking my day up into parts. I organized the things I needed to do by early morning goals, late morning goals, early afternoon, late afternoon...etc and these were just realistic goals like feed and bath the baby and pump and wash bottles.

I hope that helps. Good luck with everything. Remember it just gets better juggling the duties once the baby is sleeping more etc.

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girl i feel you!!! i have an 8 yr old, and then two little ones that are 1yr and 8days apart. I am a stay at home mom and my husband feels that since i sit at home and watch soap opera's all day long, the house should be spotless and kids perfect. my babies are 20 months and 18 months and they are a handful. right now they are jumping off of things, climbing on everything and driving me nuts. my husband works in the oil feild and is gone for a week at a time. the week that he is home he doesn't help at all!!! I feel like a single mom with 4 kids (my husband included). I don't know what advice to give you. I think its just a man thing. They think since we are capable of child birth so we can do everything else all at the same time. LOL... I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your struggle. I think we just need to get to a place where we let God fill us with his joy through every situation. Then you get to a place where it doesn't bother you so much. You have alot on your plate. I will be praying for you as well...

D. Mattern
The MOM Team
Raise your income and your rugrats at the same time.
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

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Hi G.
First of all your husband is being unreasonable for thinking that you should do it all, and second of all your 10 and 14 year olds can help as well. Even if its just the little things around the house. Its not difficult to pick up after yourselves and with everyone taking a part in it- its not so overwhelming for you. I've been there and know how you feel.
I would have a family talk and suggest that everyone pitches in and write out chores and who is going to do those chores- it teaches responsibility to your older kids & gives you a much deserved break!
Don't forget your husband's chores, even if like I said, its something very simple and easy to do. Thats just one less thing YOU have to do.
C.

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Oh boy, it sounds like your husband needs a wake up call...big time. Send me his email address and I'll get my husband to help him understand how badly he needs to step up. I have three myself 19, 3 & 18 mos. I absolutely could not do it without lots of help from hubby. Let him know that he either needs to pitch in a lot more or hire a nanny/housekeeper.
Even though it's a tough time, your babies will grow up before you know it. Make your top priority to enjoy their baby hood before the opportunity is lost.
Good luck.

G., If I was you I would sit down with your husband and explain to him how overwhelm you are trying to handle everything and ask for a little help. Hopefully he will understand. If not then I probably would be dress and ready to go out for some me time and allow him to handle the children for the evening. But remember on the way out the door let him know you love him and you will see him in a couple of hours.

I completely understand what you are going through. When I had my second I felt as if my husband was an "absent" parent. I am a stay at home mom and I got a lot of "well, its not like you have a whole lot to do during the day." I seriously think that my husband thought I was eating bon-bons and watching Oprah all day. Yes, there were lazy day's but common... lets get real here. Screaming babies and crazy toddlers make for a very interesting and stressful day. Add in not having any adult converstation or interaction and you will really will go crazy.
I am happy to say that after a WHOLE lot of honest conversations with my husband and a few actions of tough love on my part, he has gotten 100% better.
I think that you should approch your husband in a non-emotional or combatative way and just let him know how overwhelmed you are feeling right now and that you could really use a little more help from him. And then specifically tell him what you would like him to do. One thing I've learned is that you need to really spell it out for him and you will need to tell him more then once... just don't fall into that "nagging" category.
My tough love was I basically went on strike. I stopped cleaning, cooking, buying groceries, getting the kids taken care of, ect. My husband was a little ticked after about three days, but then I told him what I was doing and if he now realized what I do as a stay at home mom.
Also, every so often, on the weekend, I just leave and say "I'm taking a few hours to have mommy time, bye!" I don't even really give him much time to think or argue. After a few times alone with all the kids he realized how hard it was. I actually still do this when I get particularly overwhelmed (I have three kids now, one being five months old)
If after some effort on your part to get your husband to help and it still doesn't work I say try some marriage counseling sessions. Here's the thing, the basic problem to begin with during this whole time with my husband and I was that we just were not communicating and dealing with each other well. We started to go to marriage conseling about two years ago and it really helped. We don't go now but we know that if we every needed to we could just pop back in and hash some stuff out. FOr my husband having a professional there as a mediator (our counselor was male and former millitary which was why I think my husband was willing to listen to him) helped him to communicate with me and see how I was feeling. Our counselor also gave as great ideas and tools to learn how to communicate better with each other.
Also, I must say that I am very sorry that your friends have not been there for you! If there is anyone you can reach out to to at least talk to when you are feeling overwhelmed that will help a lot. Having a newborn and then a 16 month old on top of that is a hard thing! You really need to try and find some support system, if not your husband then maybe try a MOPS program or a mothers day out program.
I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers!

Hi,
You sound very frustrated, and rightfully so. Try to take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times each time you feel yourself becoming overly anxious or frustrated. Have you tried sitting your husband down and explaining that you feel overwelmed and need him to rub your shoulders and take care of YOU for a few hours? It is my experience that when I let my husband know he is MY man and I NEED him he feels like and actually wants to help me more than when I just complain or nag him about my stress and his lack of sensitivity toward it. Also please remember that the only thing that matters is that all your kids are healthy, happy and safe. Noone will die if the laundry isn't done, the bathroom isn't spotless or if there are toys on the floor. In the end those aren't the things you are going to look back on--but you will look back on how beautiful your new baby is (even if she doesn't sleep well) and how that six weeks at home was special so you two could bond together. Another suggestion (if you can afford it--I never could but it would have been nice) is to hire someone to come in and help with the house work while you are overwelmed. That would free you your mind a lot. If you have family in town or close to you I'm sure they would lend a helping hand also. The important thing is to try to calm down and remember what is REALLY important at the end of the day. Don't let the little things become big things and get in the way of showing love to your man and all your beautiful kids. I hope this helps and please keep us posted--we have all been where you are at. If you have ever listened to Dr. Laura I think this would be a good question for her too!

I agree with the others that the 10- and 14-year-old can pitch in and do chores. My 9-year-old son washes floors, helps with laundry, does dishes, vacuum, and even has been known to scrub toilets (with supervision). Also, if your husband isn't willing to help, stop doing his laundry and picking up after him. Maybe when he runs out of clean underwear, he'll start helping out a bit.

Along with the advice of the other moms, I agree that a sling of some kind might really help you. I love the Moby wrap for newborns. You'd be able to wear your baby while doing other things. For wearing your toddler, the Ergo Baby carrier is great. You can go to Peppermint.com to see a lot of different kinds of slings, but you can buy them lots of places online, including Amazon and Ebay. I personally could never figure out how to use a ring sling or a one piece sling with a newborn, but they're great once your baby is 6 months old and wants to be on your hip.
Good luck!

I think the best thing for you to do would be to get some sleep! Once my twins were sleeping through the night, I actuially felt I could do some of the housework that my husband also thinks I should manage as I am at home all day! My twins are two and my husband works long hours. We are ex-pats, so I started off here knowing no=-ione and sytill have a very small circle from the aussie playgroup that I see weekly. It is very hard doing this on your own. I recommend the book Healthy sleep habits, happy child to help get you on track with a full night's sleeop asap, and then try finding a Mother's Day Out near you - they are a relatviely cheap form of child care that gives you a liuttle time off, at least fromt nhe older one! Most churches seem to offer the programmes and they are about 100 a month for one day a week (being a short day 9-2 or similar). If you can't afford that, you should at least find a playgroup or mothers group meeting near you - try the web for mothers international or similar. The council here run some activities in a communtiy centre at a park near us, so maybe try the council. Also Libraries seem to all run toddler story times which will help you get out and meet new mums like yourself. Maybe you could find someone who would be willing to watch your two while you slept one afternoon and you could do the same thing for her. You are not the only one struggling out there and the most important thing you need now is to look after yourself so you can lkook after the little ones. The house will still be there in a couple of weeks! Good Luck!

As much as we love them, most men are far-sighted. Meaning that they just don't SEE that the trash needs to go out and the laundry is piling up. They see the broad picture, but not the details. I really believe they just DON'T SEE that stuff. He probably sees that you are tired, but he doesn't know that he is contributing to your fatigue.

I think you need to tell him what you need and expect. Make one of those "honey-do" lists but don't nag.

Most Dad's don't feel like they can help with the child caring duties until the child can really play WITH Dad. Dads often just don't know what to do with a kid that can't talk or really interact. Dad might need a little guidance on how to interact with a child that small.

You need to have a family meeting and bring this problem up. If you can't do this alone, go to a good family counselor and have him/her mediate the meeting. Be honest about your feelings and worries and ask for help from your husband and older kids. Everyone can pitch in and help clean and care for the babies. I know this is a lot of work, but it is worth it. J. K. :)

Hello G.;
I'm a firm believer in teaching people how you want to be treated. You had these children together and he should want to help. After all, it is his child no matter if you are on maternity leave or not. Why not give him all the kids for the day by himself to give him a taste of what you are going through. I believe that it can be less stressful to work out of the home and your hubby need to realize how stressful it is for you.
My granddaughter was the same way. She didn't want to sleep unless she was held. I taught my daughter that she had to get her to sleep in her crib,swing or bouncy chair and unfortunately listen to her cry. So, she kept the monitor on and over time it worked. It was hard, but it worked. Be sure to check on her if you hear something odd though.
Another thing that would help is to get your older children to help. Have them watch the toddler, clean the house and/or cook dinner. It will help them in the end too.
You need to do everything to take care of yourself or your foundation will crumble. Good luck

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your hubby. Things will not get better for you after maternity leave is over if you don't address the problems head on right now. Having older children can seem on the outside to most people like you have "extra help". Your older kids have needs and lives of their own that can take up so much time. Especially if they are involved in extracurricular activities.
Also,I would suggest making a calendar with a schedule of household chores and events for the week and each member of the family could be assigned to specific duties. Then everyone will be clear of expectations to make the household happy. It would also give your husband a map of the week so that he can visually see how complicated the household is to run without everyone on the team pulling their weight.
Talk to your pediatrician about the baby not sleeping without you holding him. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes (I was guilty of this myself) we enjoy holding the baby and create this need out of our own actions. I used a swing for my son and daughter when they were very small. I would let them swing until they fell asleep and of course I would not leave them unattended.
I also would help the baby to sleep better and longer by giving a bath and relaxing the baby just prior to a nap. More than one bath/soak a day may be tough but the hours the baby sleeps makes it worth it!!
One last thing...where are the Grandmas and Aunts???? Let them know that you need them. ASK FOR HELP!!! THEY SHOULD COME RUNNING!!!! Everyone LOVES a newborn!!!
Hope this helps!

forget the house! Sleep whenever you can. It sounds like your husband is a little selfish. You need to leave him alone with the kids for at a whole night. Leave Sat morning and return Sunday night. Pump your milk and tell him you have to get away. Then he will appreciate what you do in a given day.

First, forget the house. Seriously! Unless it's becomming a major health hazard, a little dust, soap scum, and unfolded laundry never hurt anyone. You'll have plenty of time to catch up in a couple months when it gets easier. And maybe if you DON'T do it all, your husband will see that you CAN'T. Other options are to hire help, if you can (I'm not talking about a daily maid, but maybe someone to come in any other week and hit the high spots--that usually isn't terribly expensive, and if someone else does the big work, it's easier to keep up with the little things), or for you to pick up the phone and call those AWOL friends and ask for help. One of our mommy weaknesses tends to be a reluctance to admit that we can't do it all and ask for help. Your friends may well be trying to give you space right now and would jump at the chance to help. And if you don't want to ask a friend to clean your bathroom :-) then ask her if she'd hold your 2-month-old and entertain your 16-month-old while you do the cleaning.

Second, you need to have a sit down with your husband. He does not appear to realize that taking care of the children and the house is work, and just as he needs a break from his job, so do you! Explain to him that you can get everything done, so long as you forgo sleep...but that's only going to last until you collapse from exhaustion. Ask him what tasks around the house he would prefer to do (and "none" is not an option!), rather than asking him IF he could help around the house. Have a list ready for him to choose from.

Third, if the older girls live at home, they can certainly lend a hand! One can take the 2-month-old while the other watches/plays with the 16-month-old and you take a nap! There's also no reason they can't do chores around the house. By the time I was their age, my younger brothers and I were doing a good share of the housework.

And fourth, you may be reaching the point with the 2-month-old where you need to let him CIO. My son was the exact same way, and I spent the first 2 months of his life "sleeping" in the recliner with him on my lap (my husband was away at Navy schools at the time, so it was just me). Partly as a result, he was only sleeping 6-8 hours a day, which was WAY too little at that age--and I was getting less. Finally, when I moved to stay with my parents for the next 2 months, my mom just took my son and put him in his crib and we let him work it out for himself. Within a week or so he was sleeping on his own. And it didn't scar him for life--he's a healthy, happy, well-adjusted and very affectionate almost 3-year-old now. :-) And you can compromise with sleeping locations, if that works. For my 4-month-old, for example, she sometimes falls asleep in the car when I'm running errands. So when I get home, I just take the car seat up to her room and leave her in it to finish her nap. She'd wake up if I tried to take her out, which means she wouldn't get her nap and she'd be fussy and overtired the rest of the day, which would lead to poor sleep...and it's just a vicious cycle. And contrary to some "experts" I've read, letting her sleep in her car seat occasionally has not stopped her from sleeping happily in her crib at night.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

You cannot handle so much on your own. It will cause resentment to build and take a long time to overcome. Newborns need to be fed 24/7 it seems like. You have to tell him that the newborn is a full time job without the 2yo and housework. He has to pitch in. It is not an option. And put the older children to work. My daughter was 15 when my son was born and she was able to pick up a lot of the slack, even if she didn't want to. The kids could handle most of the housework and your husband needs to take the little ones as much as possible in the evenings. Tell him you either pitch in or hire someone to do it. Period.

You are run down. Men do not realize what a job 1 child and the house is, with working. Hire someone to help clean your home. If he fusses, then figure up what it would cost for a sitter in order for you to be free to keep house, and what it will cost for a housekeeper so that you can parent (by yourself). Make him take the night duty. Figure out what it would cost for a sitter through the night.

Figure a reasonable wage for yourself, and base all the chores you do on it. Show him what it costs daily, weekly, and monthly (although you are not working). If he doesn't get the picture, go home to mom until he does.

You have had children very close together and it will be awhile before you are back to a level point. Men behave like that because the double standard is alive and well. Women typically set themselves up because they continue to do the bulk of housework and work and take care of the children.

Get the housekeeper and hire a sitter for a couple of hours to sleep, if nothing else. You might look for volunteers to assist if you belong to a church. Call your friends and let them know you need help. Submit every bill so that he realizes there is a cost.

Good luck! I have been there without help and raised two children: my body is now a wreck. I take about 13 medications routinely as a result.

H.

Your husband really should be helping more, but the reality is that he probably won't. Enlisting the older kids should help a bit. If you need help, call your friends--they probably haven't called because they are not sure what you want now that you've had a new baby (does she want more time to herself or is she ready for socializing?).

It's time for your 14 and 10 year old to start doing chores around the house. This will eliminate some of what you need to do along more time with the younger ones. Your husband as well needs to understand that he needs to lend a helping hand to keep you from stressing out. Each individual should have their own duty in the household.

Make a "to do" list. Give everyone chores. Put the list in a noticable location like on the table or the fridge. My husband use to be like that, his two chores that never change is putting away the clean dry laundy and taking out all of the trash. He use to only do the kitchen trash, I had to train him to empty the baskets in the restrooms, bedrooms and diaper pails. No more diaper pails though... My teenage neice that we raised was in charge of vacuuming, dusting and taking care of the pets. You need to take charge, be a dictator! And each of us was in charge of one baby (I had three babies in 3 years). Good luck.

Having small chldren, especially two within two years speaks for itself when it comes to being continuously on duty, having no "ME" time, and you running out before the day is done. It is a time often a strain for couples. Lovingly remind your husband that you guys married for love and companionship of oneanother. Loving and sharing are coworkers. You guys are members of a "partnership" and when partners all invest, everyone reaps the benefits. The two older girls should also have the joy of helping with their younger siblings and with household chores, being an active part of the partnership. Relationships are built and all who are going to live inside of the relationship MUST help with the construction. A lifetime of investing produces a lifetime of benefits. Remind your husband of some of the benefits of having a well rested, ocassionally pampered, loving wife and how attractive a man is who is helpful, nurturing and caring toward his children.

Put those daughters to work! Not because they are girls, but because every child needs to learn how to take care of the house chores. My son is 9, and he does the dishes, cleans the bathroom, and is responsible for washing, folding and putting away his laundry as well as other chores. You are not their maid. You are there to guide them to to self-sufficiency. 10 and 14 year olds need to be helping out in a BIG way, if you ask me, not just with the house chores but with the care of their siblings. Make a list of 9 chores that are driving you crazy, and let them pick 3 each. If they are not used to the work, they may complain at first, but stick with it. They will thank you for it later in life when they know how to take care of themselves and thier future families. And they will have a mom who is not overwhelmed and has some quality time to spend with them. And the babies will grow up seeing thier older siblings as role models, and will understand that this expectation exsists. As for your husband, try a list. If he comes home and sees a list of things that need to get done, he might have a more tangible picture of how to get it finished. This eliminates nagging, and he can get it done in his own time. Think of yourself as the manager of the house, and the other inhabitants as your employees. No one gets a free ride. If they do, it could be at the expense of your sanity. Hope this helps!

It is HARD having to handle to kids and a house/job/husband! As far as getting your little one to sleep... do you have one of those vibrating bouncy seats? They are not very expensive. When my kids were infants I would swaddle them really tight and the buckle them into the vibrating bouncy when they were asleep. It worked like magic! I even used it for a bassinette at night! They both seem pretty normal now so I don't think all that vibration caused any permanent damage! LOL!

Also, when my daughter was an infant, a friend bought me a baby sling. It was wonderful! My daughter would sleep in it right next to me, and I would have both hands free to fold laundry, do shopping, etc. I could even breastfeed her in it (takes practice) while doing dishes! I recommend the BOJO one. It is gray and comes with a video. I think it has been discontinued but you can still find them on ebay.

Good luck!!!

I'm so sorry for your situation. That sounds so difficult (I may be in a similar situation soon as I'm four months pregnant, have a 16 month old and two step kids - 15 yr boy and 12 yr old girl).
Can you sit down and have a serious talk with your husband? I have put it this way: We both work very hard during the day - mine is at home with the baby and yours is at the office. I worked for 10 yrs until just recently and I know the very worst day at the office does not compare at all to a mildy bad day with a baby. So when he gets home, I need help badly. If he didn't help when he got home, that would mean is work 24-7 and he gets a break.
My husband is the type that wants to help, but I still have to remind him and have these kinds of talks. Also, with stepkids it's harder. My husband has been gone most of the week and my son is sick. Now Friday, I would love some help, but he has functions to do w/ his kids. He knows and is really trying to help out around all that. But my main point is I still have to have talks with him and tell him EXACTLY what I need, what the baby needs and what will help our marriage. it's so hard, but marriage is not easy.
Also, can the 14 or 10 yr old help out in any way? Put them to work as much as possible. The saying, "It takes a village to raise a kid" is so true and it means everyone in the family helping out with the newborn, or baby, and even toddlers.
Hang in there. As soon as you can, go treat yourself - pedicure, movie, or call an old friend to get a drink or bite to eat.

Also - I really like Gail M's response on how to soothe the baby.

First off.. Get some life insurance on the hubby. JK. Try to get a vibrating toy, or papoose him. That is wrap him tightly in a blanket like they did at the hospital. Put the vibrating toy next to him. This has worked with my two grown children and now 2 grandsons. Also sounds like you need your mother right about now. Hire a sitter and go get your nails done, or just go rent a motel so you can sleep for a few hours. If your stressed so are your children. You know newborns feel what you do....Good luck......

Giget I think that you should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel.I know that your job is more hective than his and he should consider your feels.With the baby my son use to do the same thing.I learned that if I feed and change his diaper and put him to bed he is ok,everytime I would put him to bed he would cry and I would run and pick him up and he would instantly stop crying.I was not getting any sleep and I almost had a nervous break down.My Dr.told me that he would be alright just let him cry for a few minutes and he will finally go back to sleep,after a few nites of crying for about 10 minutes he went back to sleep. Dont let it wear you down take control of the situation before it takes control of you.Please let your husband know that you cant do it all by yourself.B. F.

Hey there. Hang in there. I'm a brand new mom of a 1-month old and have a very supportive husband who works very long hours, so I'm at home with this new person figuring things out on my own all day long and it can be very frustrating and tiresome. I understand it can be tough, but remember your family is very lucky to have you. Take it one day at a time and confide in your husband, ask him for help and help him understand your position.

You have two older girls- that's awesome! I have four girls ages 5,4,2,1. They make big messes and my house has not been clean in 4 years!

Put your older girls to work- have them watch the toddler when the newborn is sleeping so you can take a nap. I hired a 14 year old when I had my last baby and she did lots to help as did her 10 year old sister- no reason why your girls can't help. Give them a list of chores that should be done every day.

I'm sure you've probably done this, but tell your husband how you feel- you are struggling to keep your head above water and don't need the pressure of meeting his expectations!

My first baby was like yours- she had to be held to go to sleep and when I laid her down she cried. I got a bouncy seat and wrapped her in a blanket (they now have swaddle blankets that would work well too.) when she went to sleep I put her in the swing or the bouncy seat and she still felt like she was being held. As she got too big for that I let her cry- she could cry for two hours before going to sleep. I felt awful about it!

I found out later that she has some sensory problems along with autism and needed that sensory input of being held. A sling probably would have worked well for her. She wasn't just a rotten or spoiled baby, she was a baby with special needs that WEREN'T being met because I was exhausted and just needed some rest. My newest baby was having problems too and of course now I know better so I put her to sleep with a swaddle blanket and in a sleep positioner on her side and she slept! When she got too big for the swaddle and positioner I put one of those Halo blankets on her. It added a bit of weight and move restriction and seemed to help her (at least until she could crawl.)

So- enlist the help of your older girls, it's necessary. If they don't want to help, you don't have to feed them good meals or let them spend time with friends, watch tv, play video game.... you get the idea. Life for them won't be pleasant if they won't help to make life for the whole family pleasant.

I can't even imagine doing what I do AND work too. If you can accomplish it, you're a better mom/wife/teacher then I!

S.

I have two young kids also, and I understand how hard it is! And I don't have the two older daughters to take care of on top of that. I have found that most men just don't understand why we can't do everything! You could work non-stop all day sometimes and still have the house so messy, because the kids just follow you around making new messes. One time I wanted to show my husband how much I actually do to try and keep the house looking somewhat organized. SO- for about 5 days I didn't do ANYTHING to clean up after him or the kids. I cleaned up after myself and those immidiate messes, but I didn't do any extra housework, and believe me my husband noticed! And Then I told him...now you know what the house would REALLY look like if I "didn't do anything all day". I heard that idea from a funny story and I decided to try it, and it really did get him thinking.
The other thing I wanted to tell you is you should really check out the book On becoming babywise, I LOVED it. or Healthy sleep habits (I've heard a lot of women reccomend that one.) I don't think you're doing your baby or yourself any favors by holding your baby all day so he can sleep. He's not going to learn how to fall asleep in a crip. I know too many mothers who have to continue doing that until the babies are a lot older and they also continue waking up in the middle of the night when they should be sleeping at least 8-10 hours, and it's because they are so used to being rocked or nursed to sleep. I know you need some sleep mamma! I remember with my daughter (3 now)she'd also wake up and start crying if I put her down, and it wasn't until about 5 months that I found out about how babies need to learn to fall asleep on their own, and then we had to do the "cry herself to sleep" thing, and I think, why not just start when they are just starting to develop their sleeping habits! Sorry this is so long! Oops! I hope this helps!

Bless your heart, I hope you get some sleep. I would have a talk with your husband about this, 8 weeks into maternity leave you are still too exhausted to do anything more than care for yourself and the baby, plus those babies have 2 parents, not just one, and both should help out equally! Tell him if he won't help he can pay for a maid :).

Hi G. -

Even good men aren't always bright. In a calm moment you should simply tell him that you need his help AND tell him how he can best help you. Some people just need to be told step by step.

Also, girls 14 and 10 year old are certainly old enough to help out around the house. Once both babies are asleep maybe you need to have a quick family meeting to outline how everyone will be pitching in to help until you caught up on your sleep... say in 9 or 10 more years! ;-)

Good luck.

Hi G.,
Marriage is a partnership. He should be helping more. It wasn't his body that had to transform the last 2 years and it takes a while to bounce back and feel normal again and have energy after dealing with kids. Sounds like you married you father instead of a husband. The older kids should be helping to. Put the windex and paper towel in their hands and tell them to get busy. My 4 year old loves to do this. I was washing dishes at an early age too.
I hope your family can all pitch in and work together for the good of your health and sanity.
One more thing, it's ok to let the baby cry a little bit. They need to learn how to comfort themselves. I made this same mistake with my 21 yr old when he was a baby. I was a fog from lack of sleep for years.
Have a talk with your husband and let him know how you feel about things. You really need to spell things out for your man sometimes.
Good luck!
I'm a mom of 3-21, 18, & 4 years old.

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep!

Go to Amazon.com right now and look for Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Weissbluth. They have used, older-edition copies for $3.73

Sorry about your husband! :(

Well G., my name is T. and I have a 3 year old and a 19 month old. And a great husband. Which took some time to get there. LOL! My best advice is to get on a schedule that works for you and your family. I have a work week schedule, and a weekend schedule. It took some time to get adjusted to the new schedule, but it works. Maybe your husband is just clueless on what he should do, that is why he is not helping. You can try handing him the baby for an hour, take a nap or shower in this time and make it a routine, and then ask your 14 year old to take the 16 month old to go and play. That age they really like anything shiny, that bounces etc. And this will give you a little time to yourself. As for the house cleaning, have a daily chore list that everyone is included in. And if everyone does that for a whole week then offer a prize that is inexpensive and yet the whole family can enjoy, like a movie night. Believe me this really works. My three year old and 19 month old look forward to the popcorn and making a mess in the livingroom once a week. I do this because it is easy to clean, and they are entertained. With the 16 month old, try stickers if he/she doesnt like movies yet. Or just praise, but make a big deal out of it. Like clapping or a special song just for them. Yeah a little corny but it makes them happy...

As for now, Good luck and dont give up, it will happen with time. If you need extra advice or just someone to talk to you can feel free to call me at ###-###-####. I live in fredericksburg also, which i must say, is a beautiful town. Good Luck to you and your family...

T. Y.

Get a maid service! My husband does very little also- I just work around it as I hate to fight. All the screaming in the world won't change so you need to do what you can do to get by.

Sad to say I'm pretty much in the same boat, but what I have come to find out is if he likes a clean house, just let the laundry and everything else pile up, and eventually & hopefully he will help out. I have five children from 15 to 3 years old. My husband goes through moments where he wants everything super clean and of course I work all day and still have to deal with the kids at night, so as you are well aware sometimes you need a break. My husband will eventually give in and start helping get the house in order once it really gets on his nerves, but somehow we end up where we started off. We love them but many times can't depend on them when it comes the home or children! I hope it gets better for you.

Good Morning G.!

I too and married with 4 kids (9,8,5,&3)! I feel your frustration and lack of energy. I experienced the same thing with my husband & just let me say.....even though he may work full time too & contributes money to the household. Lets just say he has not had 2 full time jobs! I feel that husbands think we do nothing all day even when we are on maternity leave. There is NO leave to it at all. It is also a 24hour job for the rest of our lives & we as moms have no choice but to be 100% committed to our joyful 4(kids) jobs!!! I learned a very valuable word when I was at the end of my rope & felt like walking away (which I would never do--but gave it thought). Try the word "WOULD"! When he walks in everyday--give him about 30minutes of down time! I say this--because this is what I did---choose your own words--but include "WOULD". It is non-threatening, it is comforting to the ears, & doesn't come across as "do it or else". I would ask my husband "would you please help me by bathing the youngest 2 kids please?" "Would you mind helping me get the kiddos ready for bed by putting their PJ's on them while I clean up dinner dishes." I really like this one and it get my husband motivated ( I will share a little personal info). "Honey, would you mind helping me in the kitchen for about 10 minutes so that we can go to bed EARLY?" Talk about jumping in and almost running me over in the kitchen. It is worth a try (it worked for me). I realize all husbands are different--but BEDTIME can motivate just about any man! LOL If you would like to email me you are welcome to do so at my own email--(____@____.com). I don't always meet moms that are in my same shoes. It is nice to bounce off ideas and vent to someone else who can relate to our own issues!

Chat back if you wish!

Smiles,
R. C./Brenham, Texas

Hey, I know how you feel, but I only have 2 daughters....ages 3 & 1......my husband does not help with the kids, but he did cook & do his own laundry for a while......Some men sooo do not understand how hard it is being a mom & being run down...ESPECIALLY with a newborn! I hate to say this, but have you ASKED your husband for help??? Sometimes sitting down & asking & explaining to him will help,......other times it wont.....but it can't hurt I always say!! :) As for the newborn, I never let my babies cry like they say to, so I understand where you're coming from...........I breastfed both of mine, and supplemented with formula......they say the formula makes them feel more full......b/c it isn't digested as easy...I guess I have no good advice for the sleeping.....and you may not want to try this, but have to tried to let him sleep beside you in the bed. It works for mine, but them again I still have BOTH of mine in the bed with me......! I kinda like it though. :)

When i need help with anything i look toward my church. there is a member of our church that has quintuplets in cedar park and she has had member, women and men, coming over since the babies were born to help her. so even if you don't belong to a church then i suggest just calling up a church that you may trust or know that a friend goes to and listing for some help. you'd be surprised at the geneosity of people and their willingness just to help. if i lived closer i would love to help you out. i'm sorry that i don't. i am a teacher's aid at a preschool and know how challenging it can be to take care of 20 kids and then come home and continue on with your own. another suggestion is have you tried talking this over with your husband. just tell him your exhausted and really need some help. i'm sure he will feel you pain and help out. good luck!

The best thing I ever did was leave for a weekend to attend my brothers wedding when my kids were 4 and 1 1/2. My husband had them alone for 3 days and that was the first time he actually began to understand what my life was like. I think every man should have to send a couple of days alone with their children so they can understand how much physical and emotional energy it takes.

I really feel for you. I was a single mom for my first child and I really did do it all on my own and trust me I would bet I had it easier than you(only having the one child). If I were in your shoes I would start by making the older children responsible for many of the chores. You can not do it all by your self, your husband may not understand this but it is the truth. Maybe you could have your husband (or one of the older kids) take care of the younger children so you can do a few things for an hour or two after he gets home, like take a shower. (before he gets home ask the girls to do the chores and that way when he gets home all the house work is mostly done) As far the baby sleeping only in your arms, my daughter was like that. For the first four months of her life she would only sleep in her car seat. The doctor said she didnt want all the space she had and so still wanted to be swaddled and what not. Try getting one of those baby bags (those bags that you put the baby in and only there head and arms are out) Or just put him in the car seat and see if he will sleep. New babies are hard work. I dont care who you talk to, 12 hours of broken sleep one hour at a time is not 12 hours of sleep. You might really try to tell your husband that he needs to help, that you are at your wits end and need his support. I hope this helps.

S.

Well, I'm sure my nieces are going to regret signing me up for this, because I have become entirely too blunt! I promised myself I would not get involved- only read the requests, UNTIL YOURS!! Honey, Honey, Why do we wives/moms do this??? Over and Over? ( did it, too.) We spend our days trying to live up to an ideal and require little to nothing from the others in our lives. These precious husbands of ours...DON'T GET ME STARTED-(oops, you already have!) Hate to tell you this, but it's YOUR fault. He's just a man. (We love them, but they truly are not as bright as they think they are..) So, when you need help, or have had a bad day, say it-business-like! Give him a list of things he needs to do. No nagging! A written list. (Trust me-it works!Sometimes their precious little selves need to see things in black/white!!)) Call some friends. Don't ASK anyone for permission to take a break!! Sweetly and calmly, demand the respect and delegate the way they do, you know?? AND remember..fix this NOW! Teach him what you need and what you'll put up with NOW OR it'll get worse. He doesn't mean to do this, he just wasn't made to think past his.....nose. Schedule some time with a friend (they miss you, you'll see..) and DO NOT SKIP THIS DATE. (Act like it's a superbowl game, or something.! ha! Anyway, better go. Good luck! -Polly L.

If you live in Harker Heights, i have the perfect swing for you. My son (now almost one) was the same way. I bought the cradle swing and it is wonderful. He would sleep at least 3-5 hours in it!! It was a lifesaver. I also had a 20 month old when he was born so I know your pain. It is tough!!
As for the house, I would let him know being a mommy is a full time job plus!!! IT is tough and men don't get it.
I would do one thing a day. Of course, dishes and laundry are everyday but I wouldn't do more than you can handle. Don't allow him to be the one to stress you out. Share with him he is and you need his help. Divide the chores and do the best you can. Your family can survive on frozen pizza and stuff like that until the baby is sleeping through the night or getting up once. You can do it...you are the mom!

you have a lot of good responses. Those older two can do some house work! Take the time to teach the oldest to wash laundry-put her in charge of hers and the other daughter's clothes. Towels, stuff that wont get ruined. but you do have to show them and sometimes more than once. They can fold clothes and put them away! They are old enough to do dishes, vacuum and dust! My boys 13 and 9 do housework. They don't do it all the time, but they do help and they are learning life skills.

You do need to have a talk with your husband. He is clueless! Give him all the kids on a Saturday or something and take yourself an hour or two and get out of the house.

Sometimes you just have to teach the newborns how to sleep without your holding them. It isn't easy but you can do it.
TAke CAre

In a perfect world, your husband and two older daughters would help out willingly. The kids are old enough to be of great help to you. I suggest a family meeting where all of the household duties are assigned, with the understanding that you are not super-human and simply cannot do it all. And do not be afraid to call on friends and/or family. They just may not know what you need, so they just don't call. Let them know--a friend in need is a friend indeed! I feel for you!

Ask your friends for help! I would be willing to help my friends with new babies, I'm just never sure what they need or if I would just be in the way. Be specific too. Is there anyway you could come over for an hour so I could sleep, clean, ect. Are your older daughters doing chores?

Most importantly sit down with your husband and tell him your at the end of your rope. Give him specific things he could help with too. I know it's overwhelming at times. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers. J.