Feeling Let down by My Family

Hi,

I am sorry you are sad. You are in a tough spot right now. My suggestion would be to join a mom's group or church group and get to know some of the ladies. Many groups will do trades for babysitting or playdates etc. It will be a good way for you to get some personal support, new friends and also those special people you can count on when you need a babysitter. You can reciprocate when you are able. As far as what your sister said, it sounds like she is overwhelmed and maybe feels taken advantage of--even though that is not your intention.I would do something nice for her like bring her her favorite flowers or write her a special note telling her you appreciate her. Things will get better-- just takes time. I hope this helps you~

M.

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I'm sorry to hear that. Sometimes reciprocity can be an issue in situations like this. Is there anything that you can do to help her out in exchange for her babysitting your daughter while you go out on interviews? I think when there is a mutual give and take of time and services (it doesn't have to be 50/50), then people become less resentful in these types of situation. Just a thought.

Best of luck with your job search. Hopefully things will smooth out with you and your sister after you land your job.

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S., I'll bet she is one of the ones in the family who encouraged you to come home, isn't she. Go figure. Easy to say come home, but doesn't want to help. Sorry, I'm a little grouchy, aren't I!

Someone mentioned helping her in lieu of paying her. I think that's a nice idea. Come over and wash her clothes, clean her bathrooms, run the vacuum. Babysit for her after school if she has an afternoon appointment. Cook dinner at her house while you are there, etc. If you are making an effort while you don't have a job and aren't out on an interview , it might help sooth the situation right now. Especially seeing as you still need her to help you.

Try to take the hurt feelings out of the equation and just tell her that you want to put some equity in the situation, so would she let you help her so she won't feel taken advantage of. Then really do it. Tough with that many kids in the house, I know, but you can do it.

Good luck, and hope you find that job soon!
D.

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Your sister may not have intended to hurt your feelings - she just may be feeling taken advantage of. I know that THAT was not your intention but it happens. Sometimes when people feel like they have given too much, they feel the need to pull back a little and establish some boundaries.

You did not mention how old your girls are, or how many you have, but it could be that it is more work than your sister anticipated. She might be thinking about the time when you do get a job, and that you will be gone from home a lot more than when you are going to interviews, and what will be your expectations then? Are you going to keep relying on free care from relatives or will you plan to pay for day care or a babysitter?

I would have a talk with your sister, tell her how you are feeling, and that you are sorry if you put her in a difficult position. Offer to do something nice for her in return - watch her kids one day, for example, if she just wants some time for herself. Discuss if she wants to continue watching your kids and figure out a schedule that will work for both of you.

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No real advice, I am sorry for what you are going through. My sister could not even be bothered to call me when my husband was having his brain tumor removed. For some siblings things are only about them, how things effect them. Unfortunately we can not change them as much as we might like to. Maybe you could try talking to her and telling her what you told us here today? I hope she realizes how important her support is to you soon.

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It is possible that there is a lot of confusion as to who was supposed to provide all this help and support you were offered. You need to have an honest conversation with all involved parties about what your needs are and why. Basically, anyone who claimed you'd have "so much help" needs to fess up as to how much of that help they intended to provide. If you are avidly looking for work, I don't think anyone would expect you to have a specific end date to share, but they may appreciate knowing what your plans are when you do find work. Explain that the help needed is short-term and you have your long-term plans arranged and the understanding and compassion may return. If everyone is existing day to day not knowing what you're going to need and when, that can create tension for everyone. Don't take it personally, but do try to keep communication flowing. Best wishes to you.

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Sorry Janey but I disagree. It isn't like your asking her to babysit so you can go sit on a bar stool and hang out with friends you are trying to get a job. I think your sister is probably feeling taken advantage of and there are things you can do for her that do not cost money and may help her to feel appreciated. You can make her a card to express your thanks, prepare her a dinner for her family to let her know you are grateful, promise her a a girls day with you and her for lunch, a mani and a pedi once you find work and can afford it. Basically reassure her that you do appreciate everything she is doing and that without her help your job search would be impossible for you right now. Some people need to be reassured and need to feel appreciated and others do not. I think communication is the best remedy for her resentful feelings, and your hurt feelings. Good luck on the job search I know these are tough times for all.

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I'd be honest with your sister. It seems like, if it's possible, that she should be willing to help you get your feet on the ground without all the stress of guilt trips. Of course you don't expect her to be "on call" all the time and of course she will be busy sometimes but it seems like family should be there for each other. You do the same for her if she were in your shoes. Talk to her about it and if she doesnt want to help you out, then find someone who will. Maybe someone from church or something. Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Your sister probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings. She was probably just letting you know from the very beginning that she was not going to be able to watch your children for you on short notice or frequently. A lot of people tend to think that stay at home parents should babysit because, after all, they are home anyway, right? Maybe your sister has had this happen to her often and just needed to put her foot down in the beginning just to make sure that you knew you couldn't rely on her. Or maybe she thinks that you will try to get her to watch your kids when you do get a job. Or maybe your mom told you to come home, you would have a lot of help, and then she volunteered your sister's help without consulting her. Perhaps your sister is jealous that you have mom's attention/help. You won't know unless you ask her. My guess is your sister is feeling used. You say you don't expect her to be on call and yet you say you have had to ask her more and more to babysit. You also say she HAS to watch the children which certainly makes it sound as if she does not have a choice which could be making her feel angry. If it is really bothering you, call your sister, tell her you really appreciate her watching your children on short notice while you look for a job and tell her what your childcare plans are once you find a job. Maybe that will make everyone feel better.

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Was your sister and your aunts part of the "they" that encouraged you to come home? Of course I don't know the whole situation, however, I would agree with your sister on this one. She helped you today by watching your kids, her children and her helped you over the summer, maybe she feels she's helped more than enough. Have you reciprocated? Have you watched her kids, run errands for her, cleaned her house? Or most importantly shown her that you truely appreciate her help? If you're only asking her to watch your kids when you go on job interviews, then you must be expecting her to be "on call", because employers rarely give you more than 24 hours when they call you to set up an interview.

You mention the children's father (your not married) is not with you. What does that have to do with anything? He should be giving you money to support HIS children. At least enough for you to hire a babysitter for a few hours a week.

P.S. Go give mom a giant hug, tell her how much you love her, thank her again for supporting you and your children, and over the weekend scrub the house from top to bottom.

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I see both sides. It sounds like your sister wants to help you, but being a continual babysitter is not that appealing.........no matter how much she loves your children. She may feel she had her kids, put in her dues, and she wants her days to herself now.

Do your best to arrange your interviews around her schedule. Try to understand she is babysitting because she loves you and wants to help, but she may not want to devote her life to it. Explain to her this is temporary and let her know how much you appreciate her help. Then do your best to find work. Any work. Babysitting in the evenings for example. So that you can pay a babysitter during the day when you go on interviews.

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Mom, in my opinion you are taking advantage of your sis by having her baby sit your children. I would never expect this of my grown sisters .It is your responsibility to find childcare without having to rely on family when you are out job hunting and interviewing. Do you get child support from the father of your children? Assuming so tHis is what you should be using to pay a sitter to come to the home when you have to leave for an interview. Also were you only asking her to care for your kids when you are job hunting or were are you asking for help when you do personal things? I can see why she might be upset if this is the case. Your Mom should not be shelling out any $ for a sitter for her grandkids either Mom, this is your responsibility. If I understand your question right I think it is way too much to ask her to be allowing you and the kids to be living under her roof ( possibly rent free) and also paying for a sitter too for your kids???? You need to re-evaluate your situation and get financial help from your ex asap if at all possible b4 you burn all of your family bridges, you are placing too much burden on your family. Sorry to be so honest.

Add on. I still don't understand why your husband is not supporting you and your kids financially even though he is not living in the same town now. Hiring a sitter so you don't have to rely on family can't cost very much. I had another thought, we have several drop off child care centers here that you can use on an hourly basis, they are safe, clean and state licensed, you may see of there is such a thing in your area. Hope this helps.

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I wish I could help....Some siblings just don't know the meaning of being a brother or sister. Its crazy I have a sister and have always been there for her and her kids. I practically raised her 13 year old....She doesn't even reach out to my kids....She prefers to be around her friends then spending time with her own family. Some people you just can change. They first offer their help and then it seems like you are bothering them....I do not get any help from my family. The only people that help me is my mother-in-law and father-in-law. I don't know what I would do without them.....I am so grateful.....I could never pay them back for everything they do for me....It is hard I know how you feel...

S.,
Can you do a child swap with any other moms? That has saved us a lot of money. You just have to be aware of what routines you are adding your kids to and the safety of transportation. It's tough because you are trying to get your feet off the ground. I understand your problem. I applaud you for continuing to get a job. It's a tough market out there and trying to be positive and perky can get entertaining.

Good luck,

L. L.

Let her know that you appreciate her helping you out. If you aren't thanking her everytime, she might be feeling taken advantage of. When you call her to see if she can watch the kids, make sure you ask if she's available. Not say, Hey, I need you to watch the girls tomorrow. That could upset her too if you do that.

I understand how you might take it that way but I can also see your sisters point of view. I'm a stay at home mom now and my family seems to think I don't have anything going on and I can watch their kids at any time. She was just being honest with you, maybe she just didn't word it right. Try not to let it upset you. Sounds like you might be going through a rough time right now so things that normally wouldn't upset you does now. Good luck in your job search!

She could have been having a really bad day. Keep the lines of communication open.

Take care
J.

Although your family is happy so you more. Your sister loves you and is also happy your closer and she is happy to help out occasionally but not on a regular basis.
It could be that she is just not tha type of person and she gave all she could give to help you.
Or maybe its too vague for her and she needs you to say I need you to help me out until Oct 10th then I found a sitter. Or just on Wed from 8-10 am.

The third might sting a bit...sorry. She has to put her children and husband first. They are the priority. Maybe your sister kids need your sister in more ways that your aware of . They could have different type of issues with school. I know with my own situtation. My in law are both in failing health. The majority of the year my husband works very long hrs. We have 3 children. They live 1 hr away. We have other commitments going on. I visit them frequently with the kids I wish they were closer but my husband/kids have to come first.
I would join a moms club. I belonged to a great one thru meetup. Please check and see if there is a local one near you. It was definetely the BEST moms group and I did previously belong to a few of them. Or ask you church or synague for help.
Keep your chin up things are going to work out great for you.

I would definitely speak to her about it (and I can relate b/c I do rely a lot on my sister and mother-in-law) but one thing you could ask her is if there was anything she needed that you could return the favor. Maybe you could offer to give her a break one evening, or cook her dinner, or help her with the housecleaning. That way she sees that just as she helps you out, you are there for her as well - both working together to make e/o's lives easier :) Because that's what sisters do!

I'm not sure how or why you are in your current situation but that may be why your sister said what she said. She may have offered to help but found that she had reached the boundaries of what she was prepared to do. You have to appreciate her honesty and find another babysitter. I had a similar conversation with
Y brother about picking his daughter up from daycare felt that he was taking advantage. I was caring for family members with no help from him whe he expected to ask me to pick up his daughter at least once a week. I had to put my foot down.

Well, she is living at home too. So, she's pretty much getting handouts as well, but somehow she feels above returning the favor? You can't teach people how to care. But maybe you can talk to her candidly and see if she has any suggestions seeing as how you are trying to find work in order to pay for childcare, and are in desperate need right now. You can tell her you will help pay her back once you get the funds if she needs, even now you can help her cook or do laundry or whatever to pay off with your sweat the babysitting service she has so lovingly and selflessly provided for her nieces. (that's supposed to be sarcasm!) Or, go down to Health and Human resources and get on the cash assistance for childcare.

Make sure she knows you appreciate her helping you out and that you plan on finding more permanent arrangements once you get a job (which is why you are so grateful that she is helping you on days that you have interviews). Just casually remind her that you are glad you moved back when everyone offered to help and urged you to.

Write her a letter. It's probably the best way to get it out without getting too upset to get your point across.
Make sure you read it and read it again before you give it to her. Make sure you don't make accusations or say anything mean. Make sure you thank her. Think of what you can offer her since you can't offer her money. Some ideas: watch her kids and have them sleep over, cook dinner for her family, bake her some cookies, mow her lawn, take her kids to the park.

This makes me so sad for you. I live out of state from ALL my family and I always fantasize how nice it would be if I had my family's help. Good luck to you.