30 answers

Feeling Disconnected with Husband for past Few Months

I am feeing very distant from my husband lately and it's really making me frustrated. His job has been keeping him very busy, and he seems to throw himself fully into one thing at a time. Lately, it's work. We have an 8 month old baby. I basically do all the care-taking of our child. Due to breast-feeding and staying home with our son, I naturally have taken on that role. I am so grateful that I get to stay at home with him, but I am starting to feel resentful and distant towards my husband. We also haven't been intimate in a long time. I'm starting to feel undesirable and lonely. It makes me see how quickly you can drift apart in a marriage and I don't know what to do. I tried talking to him a little last week but he didn't have much to say and nothing has changed.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I am having this same problem. I would get a grandparent, sister or trusted friend to take care of the baby for a night so that the two of you can go out on a romantic date. Dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing. Whatever the two of you can enjoy together. You need some alone time together to reconnect.

More Answers

It can be scary how quickly feelings can wax and wane in a relationship, especially after marriage and children! However, it's all pretty normal. My hubby was the type to do nothing around the house, stay out with his friends for 8 hours or so after work, leave me home with the kids all day, and think nothing of it. Parenting was a difficult adjustment for him. His way of dealing with all of the "man issues" it brought up was to NOT deal with it. It was very hard for me. It took us a long time to get our communication straight and lets face it, even when your communication is great, it's always something that's a work in progress. I get up in the morning and pack my hubbys lunch every day before he goes to work. I (almost) always put in a nice, lovey, spicy, or silly note - some days it is hard to write something because I feel like I hate his guts and just want to leave, but I always try to say something sincere that will keep a good connection between us, and remind him that I love him (which is true even when I hate his guts!) :) Men get all "hormonal" after we're done being pregnant lol. They freak out about providing enough money and working enough hours, they feel uncomfortable taking on parenting responsibilities so they don't, (I had to trick my hubby into feeding the baby by happening to have a pressing errand to run while his friends were over and the baby was hungry and cajole him into fingernail trimming over several months) Many men feel that they don't have parental intuition, or assume that we'll just do it better, so they leave it to us. My husband has told me many times that he'd love to have to do all the parental things and really connect with them that way, but that he just couldn't make himself do it when I was home because he knew that if he didn't I would take care of it anyway. Don't stress out too much about the whole thing. Drifting apart and together is a natural cycle in relationships. Ideally, it just doesn't swing *too* far one way or the other. Personally, I found the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" to be helpful in understanding where my husband was coming from in a general way and I felt it did help me communicate with him better, even though I was afraid it would be a cheezy read. Just keep plodding away at it and remember your deep feelings at the heart of the whole thing and not the temporary upheavals and resentments. Just keep being honest with him about your feelings, periodically stating your needs without being "needy" and try to have compassion for his recently changed world view. So many men really struggle so much in the first year or two. They experience such a drive to care for their family, and such an awkwardness about caring for the baby that they end up distancing themselves. Your hubby still loves you, he's just giving himself some space to work through his issues on his own time - which you should respect as much as possible, but do remind him that you are an equal half of the picture and he should respect your needs as much as he can as well. Just make sure that you are each being honest about the concessions you are willing to comfortably make with your partners (and your) best interests in mind - that way the chance to build resentments is lessened.
Plus, staying at home is hard, particularly if you are new to it. You do need extra attention from and interaction with your hubby since you don't get to see any adults all day!! As a SAHM of 6, I *totally* understand, however, it's not really fair for you to place the burden of you having rewarding interactions with other adults soley on him. Join a mom's group. Volunteer (even something you can help with from home). Visit family or friends. Strike up convrsations with other ladies at the grocery store, etc. It will help you out TREMENDOUSLY. Not only will your hubby feel less like you desperatly *need* his attention all the time, and that he can give it to you as a token of his love, and not just his duty, but it will help you have something else rewarding to focus on besides the minor ups and downs of your relationship. (Its easy to get washed away in these when you are a SAHM I think) Plus, it will remind your hubby that you are a woman who is doing her own thing and is likeable and active in the adult world, not just the "mommy" he may simply be seeing you as right now (which may be part of the intimacy issue in addition to stress, etc) It's hard to reach out sometimes, but well worth it. I hope that things will resolve themselves nicely for you. I know this can be really scary and difficult to feel like you can "deal" with. Bright Blessings.
-T.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh Dear Sister! If you are in love with your husband and my assumption is that you are because you’re asking for advice. Keep in mind men are very simple all they need is to feel loved and wanted. Anything less will make a man feel as lonely as you are starting to feel. Don’t just tell him he is special show him. He is your man and make sure he feels it. Having a baby is one of the best times of your life however, make the time for him! That little peanut will get along just fine without her sweet Mom for a few hours. Get a sitter and show up at his office or surprise him and make time for him when he comes home. Girl you need some retail therapy at Victoria Secret and he will take notice.

1 mom found this helpful

I am also a stay at home mom to an 8 month old, no longer breastfeeding but still alot of work. I would probably work on jump starting your connection physically because my experience with my husband is when we connect intimately he is more open to ironing out any issues. We have made this a priority for the last 3 months and we both definitely see the improvements. I am a Dr. Laura fan and she has alot of good stuff on her website dlaura.com about strengthening a marriage and is a huge advocate for SAHM. She also has a book The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

1 mom found this helpful

Ohhhh, the first year with your firstborn... What a wonderful and challenging time. Most all of us married couples go through this when we make the adjustment from a couple to a family. You are feeling lonely, neglected, probably a little unsexy and not to mention very, very tired. Your focus is on the baby 24/7. You are a new Mommy and that's very normal. On the other hand, your husband (who was once the only object of your affection) isn't sure what to do. He sees you are totally engrossed in the baby and he knows you are very, very tired. He feels a little neglected too. He used to be #1 and now he's not. He knows better than to ask for sex by now and so he fills his time with what he knows best. Work. What else can he do? He is as new at this whole parenting thing as you are. But I doubt he knew what he was signing up for as far as him losing his wife when he gained his son. Cut the guy some slack and let him get some. Even if you are tired. (and I know you are) Sex is how men give and recieve affection with their wives. It is still a very important part of your relationship. You say that you haven't been intimate in a long time. Well if you make yourself lovingly available to him I doubt he will reject you. He probably just doesn't know how to ask for it anymore. Men's needs are as simple as food, sex, and sleep. You both need to make that connection again and then you won't feel so distant. You can get through this. You love your little boy more than life that is obvious. The best thing you can do for him is to love his Daddy.

God luck and God bless.
J.

Dear E.,

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is quite normal! I used to feel resentful of my husband too, because he could leave the home and have his own life. Perhaps your husband feels that the baby is your primary focus instead of him? Just like you feel that work is his primary focus. I don't know you or your husband at all, so remember that when reading this: my advice would be to focus some more attention on him if you can ie. make a nice dinner, make sure you're taking care of yourself, and make more attempts to talk with him (but not always bringing up issues). Hopefully by showing him that you're there for him, he'll do the same. I hope that's helpful. I wish you both all the very best! Your son will be benefit from your efforts to keeping your marriage healthy.

L.

I am having this same problem. I would get a grandparent, sister or trusted friend to take care of the baby for a night so that the two of you can go out on a romantic date. Dinner and a movie or dinner and dancing. Whatever the two of you can enjoy together. You need some alone time together to reconnect.

hi there,

he could just be tired. my situation is just the opposite, i work all day while my husband gets to stay home and i am tired (so not really "in the mood") and i am kinda getting resentful that he gets to stay home with the baby bc i would love to be able to stay home so i guess either way people get resentful and sad? the main thing is communication to at least tell him your feelings mabye hes just tired and not thinking about stuff that much?

hey there,
I know exactly how you feel. When my husband told me that he is going back to school I knew that it was going to be tough but I had no idea HOW hard is was going to be. We literally have NO time together when he's in school. And between school, his full time job, and trying to study, I completely feel like a single mom. What breaks my heart further is my son, who really wants his daddy. He wants to play with him when he gets home. But my husband is simply too tired or has to study for a test. He goes in the computer room and locks the door then my son has a coniption because the door is locked. It took alot of arguing before i had to tell my husband that he needs to just stay at the library and study.
Whats worse, is that he's too busy to care about how I really feel. It's not that he doesn't care, just that he has no time to stop and really think about how this is affecting me and david. I know he cant help it. I know he has to finish his degree. I know it's the best for all of us. But it's still hard as hell and i get resentful myself, just like you, because I told him a million times before we started a family that he should consider going back to school to finish his degree first. He never listened to me. Made every excuse on the planet. And now here we are, 1 child, planning on another, and he's not home to enjoy it. Thank god it's summer and he's off for the summer, but i know that once septemeber comes, it'll be the same ole song and dance and I am dreading it. I'm really going to try and keep my mouth shut next time too. My nagging didn't help matters.

The only thing I would suggest is just taking it a day at time. It probably IS a little hormonal. Children change everything dont they?? In a good way yes, but I remeber feeling that my problems now seem so much more complicated when you bring another life into this world.

If you never need to chat about this, I'm here.

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