Feeling Depressed After Leaving My Husband. ...........

I've never been through this, so I have no experience, but I just have to say that you have not "sucked as a mother" You got you and your children out of an abusive relationship, and are doing your best. You cant expect that all days are going to be easy, they wont but you just have to remember that you are doing whats best for you and the kids and what you did was the best. It takes courage to leave someone like that, especially one you love. Good for you for sticking up for what is right and not putting up with it anymore.

Stay strong, and know that you are doing your best, and this too shall pass. Best wishes!

7 moms found this helpful

You are "grieving."
It is the process... of adapting to what was lost. Good or bad.
It was a part of your life.
You are grieving.
Find a Community Grief Support Group.
It will help, and you will meet others who are going through the same thing.

This is a normal process.

Be strong.
You left him and did the right thing.

Do NOT go back to him.
Do NOT go back to him.
He is abusive... and probably wants you to feel this way. It is part of their mental problem.
DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.
Do not let him manipulate you, anymore.

Think of yourself and your kids.

6 moms found this helpful

I went back to school. If you can find the support to do then do it! You have no idea how good it feels to work your arse off at something that will allow you to take care of your children on your own! I was married at 19 and was a housewife for 18 years to a very not nice (insert swear words of your choice) man. He would tell me I was worthless because I couldn't support my children. That no court would give me custody because I didn't have a degree or means to support them. He constantly made me feel worthless because he knew that was the only way he could get me to stay.

I would move heaven and earth for my kids and he used that to control me!

If you would like the happy ending I got my masters in four years. It nearly killed me and I was so lucky to have two amazing older kids who helped me with the younger ones to do it. I worked full time the whole time because I was not going to give him the satisfaction of me loosing this house.

The best part was I got the support I needed to heal and because of this met and will marry this summer the most wonderful man. That to me is the beauty of healing, those jerks are no longer attracted to you. I guess to me it is the only way to be safe from them.

Good luck, please know that you had the strength to leave him, that shows you are far stronger and capable than you realize. Your kids need that strength, now and in the future. I don't know how many times I felt I could not go on, that it would be easier to go back to him. All I needed was to look at my kids, they were worth the fight. They helped me find the strength to keep going.

Don't feel sorry for yourself, protect your kids. :)

5 moms found this helpful

You know who sucks as a mother? The rich lady who goes to lunch and the spa all day and never spends any time with her kids and just buys them things. Not you. I haven't been in your position but please don't feel you're a bad mom. You've asked too many questions on here about how to do things w/ your kids etc to be an unconcerned mother. That automatically makes you a good one and your kids do know and will know that they are loved. That's really all that matters. Who ends up on a shrink's sofa? A child from a less than picture perfect background whose mother was always there doing her best or the kid that was ignored in his big fancy house? Just do the best you can and I'm glad you're getting some help.

5 moms found this helpful

Sort of - I have been one of your children. You are doing great service to them by showing them the right way to live and how they should expect to be treated in their lives. Clearly you do not want your kids to grow-up acting like their father or being abused by someone like their father. Leaving is the very greatest gift you can give them. I wish to God my Mom had left. She finally did when I was 23. But so much damage was done to me. And keep in mind my father never hit ME. I resent her, I hate him, and I have a really hard time in my marriage, although I married someone very kind and loving. I am a controlling, angry, walled-off individual at heart and this all stems from my father and my childhood.

I read your post at first and it made me very angry. I wanted to say some nasty things about how you need ot pull yourself together. With reflection, I know you are really trying to do the right thing. In your heart you know what is best. PLEASE stay strong and don't go back. I am sure he is manipulative as hell. Show him you are better than that. Look for support from a church, therapist, and battered woman's group or organizaiton. You can do it. And one day, you will be okay, I promise.

5 moms found this helpful

I have been through this, albeit without chidlren (I have 3 now - I didn't have any then). You know you did the right thing - but it HURTS - and it HURTS that you didn't get the marriage you thought you would. As Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through hell, keep going."

You WILL become stonger and you WILL be a better mother for your children. You have all ready been BRAVE and DONE RIGHT by them by leaving...

*hugs*

4 moms found this helpful

I have been one of your children too. My Mom left as soon as she could, and it was a relief and the best thing for everyone....except my dad b/c he felt out of control then. Thankfully we moved over 1000 miles away from him. She knew she would have to do that or he'd try to make her come back.
My Mom was/is so strong. She was a good example to me and my 2 brothers. We were also very young and I sometimes wonder how she was able to make it financially, emotionally, etc with 3 small kids.

Stay strong and pray...focus on God.
Come to us if you need support.

3 moms found this helpful

I have not, but it takes a strong women to do what you are doing! It is going to be hard and it will probably be a long road ahead, but always remember that you are finally going the right direction. There is no easy fix to feeling good, just know that it will get better. A support group will be great and between meetings, hop on here for support. You're kids will be very thankful one day when they realize how strong their mother is.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi K.:
Yes I have been there. Do not for one second think you are a failure. Sweetie, you are a SURVIVOR. You survived him. He made you feel weak and helpless because that's what made him feel like a real man. He is scared now because you proved to him and everyone you are stronger than him. This will get better. You will find a job and a car and it will all work out.

3 moms found this helpful

S.H. hit the nail on the head - my thoughts exactly!

Grief feels frantic, desperate, hopeless. You are mourning a great loss and you must allow yourself to do so. It doesn't mean you're helpless, crazy, or wrong. Sure, it's the best thing to leave an abusive mate, but you are stepping into unknown territory and mourning the stability (however senseless and awful) that was familiar to you. It's ok.

Please find a community to hook into. A church is a great place to start because there are so many resources, not just for you, but for your kids, too. There are people who have connections and the means to offer you assistance. Do not be alone. Grief makes us nuts when we're all alone with our thoughts. Talk to someone and get them out of your head. There is something so refreshing about releasing them out into the air and freeing yourself from them banging around inside.

Hugs and prayers to you, mama.

2 moms found this helpful

I have been through this EXACT thing except he was physically abusive quite a bit. It does get lonely after a few weeks... you start thinking he never loved you because wouldn't he be crawling back to you begging? You start giving yourself criticism that you don't deserve. Babe, I have been through it the first four months are going to be tough. You don't need to talk to him, he will only take advantage of your vulnerable state. There will be a day when he begs and begs and you have to have the strength to say no because he won't change. I felt the same way... I was always stressed b/c of my ex that i wasn't that great of a mom when I was with him. When I left him I felt like a failure because I couldn't effectively provide for her. Go to a temp service and sign up, see if they can find you a job. Look through a ton of sitters or family til you are sure you found a good person.

Straight up, PM me if you want to talk or feeling down. I went through it too and it sucked. I'm loving life now and so glad I didn't take him back in my really weak moments when he came up here to see me and begged for me back as we were signing the divorce papers. All these empty promises that crumbled. Hold your head up and do the best you can. Spend time with your little ones, all they want is food shelter and mom's attention.

2 moms found this helpful

K., I have never been through this. But I truly believe it's the toughest times that show us how strong we can be. You are a strong woman and a great mother. Leaving an abusive relationship must have been so very difficult, but you'll be better for it, and your children will be better for it. I wish I could give you words of wisdom and help take away your pain, but I can't, I haven't been in your shoes. Just know that right now, your determination to see this through is impressing the he!! out of me. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Your own strength will surprise you.

1 mom found this helpful

S H. really did get this right, and with such kind and gentle words. All of the ladies who have responded so far have given you such good advice. What a wonderful group!

You have so much on your shoulders right now. I hope you are able to find a group, a "community" to give you strength right now. Please keep us posted, and please re-read ALL of the advice you have received tonight.