Feeling Animosity Toward My Five Year Old After Birth of Baby

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I was almost the same way with my oldest, its like all the love i could muster up was spent on the new arrival, it was horrifying. (maybe i had ppd too), I think it will pass, mine did as soon as my daughter started acting differently. Seek help to be safe.

First I commend you that you were able to put your feelings out there for us to read and yes you do need help right now. There is nothing to be ashamed of because so many women go through a myriad of feelings after giving birth (even as long as a year after) due to variances in hormones, sleep etc. and don't seek help early enough. From your message, you even recognize that these feelings you are having are not the real you. You have a great family and they all need you. I believe that you should see your doctor and discuss it with him/her. Best of luck to you.

First of all, *hug* because you sound like you need one. Second, I can tell you love your daughter very much. Third, you definitely need to get help with your depression. I felt your sadness as I read this. Im sure your daughter can feel that there is something different with your relationship. She probably wonders why mommy doesnt "like" her anymore. That should be enough for you to want to get help. Oh and by the way, Mommy Guilt is something we all experience and it sucks. But it never goes away, it just evolves into whatever situation your kids are in. Please, please, please, don't be so h*** o* yourself and call your doctor ASAP.

Perhaps you have that postpartum depression....

Ask your doctor for a referral to a good psychiatrist, the only type of doctor who should prescribe depression and/or anxiety meds if you need them (as far as I'm concerned).

Then, ask that doctor who they'd recommend for a counselor. Both types of help are better. I personally think cognitive behavioral therapy is shorter and more effective. If you don't get help soon, you may feel the same toward your baby and yourself.

Just think of it as a chemical imbalance and/or maybe some pushed down anger about something -- or you may be unsuccessful using a crutch that worked for you as a younger person but not so much now. Find out and get help to love life and your family again.

Coming from a family of 5 kids and being the olderst, I never thought motherhood would be as tough of an emotional job as it is. Every mother goes through the feeling of just wanting to be alone with the new baby and wanting to shut the rest of the world out, be it other children or husband. At the hospital and for the first couple of months I hated when people stopped by to visit (I didn't tell them that of course) I just wanted to be left alone with my baby. Even though your older daughter is 5 she is still needy and will draw your attention away from the baby, so I think its normal and ok to feel like you just want to tell her to leave you alone ( I am not saying you should do that, but at least cut yourself some slack on having that emotion). Also its normal to feel the same way about your husband because he is just one more person that will and does draw your attention away from new the baby.
As for the work thing I went through it too, crying before going back, my husband getting fustrated with my constant crying, and I cried for weeks after I was back. Its normal to feel guilty about not being able to be the sole caregiver to your newborn. My depression eased up within a couple of months and to this day I still wish I was home with him but hey sometimes mommy has to work and thats ok. Alot of babies go to daycare early and they thrive, are healthy, and they always know who mommy is.
My advise to you is to cut yourself some slack for having feelings of guilt and animosity. Your body is going through some MAJOR hormone changes right now and will make every emotion you have twice as intense. Just remember things will change with time. Your hormones will settle down and the new baby will get older meaning she will become more independent and you won 't feel the need to smother her with attention and forget everyone else. Your feelings of guilt and animosity will lessen a little everyday, and by this time next year you feel better about yourself and everyone around you.
I never did go on antidepressants for PPD or go to therapy. If you feel the need to seek professional help go for it. But just incase you don't do it, remind yourself that its ok and things will get a little better everyday.

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Sounds like post partum to me. I suggest you go to your doctor and explain exactly what you just explained on here and see if they have any suggestions. In addition, have you talked to your husband about your feelings? Sometimes it's really hard to voice what sounds so awful, but your partner may be really helpful in helping you deal with it. Also, try spending some one on one time with each child and maybe that will rekindle the relationship with your 5 year old, I know that really helps me, as I have a 4 year old and a 21 month old and I love the time I get to spend with each alone. Good luck, you will get through this and realize that each child brings something different to your life and to enjoy their individual personalities.

Every mom has those days when we would trade our kids for a goldfish! However, you sound like you may be experiencing some postpartum depression. Do yourself, and your precious kids & husband, a favor by making an appointment with your OB/GYN. Trust me, you are not a horrible mother/wife and you most definitely are not the first woman to experience these types of feelings and emotions. Your doctor will be able to give you the tools and guidance you need in order to get your life back. The sooner the better............you have a great family waiting! Hugs!!!

Hi S.,
My kids are 5.5 years apart (they are 6.5 and 1 yr old now) and I know what you are feeling! After the birth of my daughter (the youngest), my son in many ways suddenly seemed so difficult and annoying to me. I think like everyone is saying, a BIG part of this is hormones. Plus babies are just so sweet and innocent. I kept looking at younger photos of my son and also mourning the loss of his younger self. I just keep trying to spend one on one time with him and things have slowly gotten much much better. Now that the baby is one he seems less "disrupted" in his life and has less behavior issues. I truly enjoy when I get one on one time with him and realize how much the baby has disrupted our relationship and time together! We are all one big happy family now, but for me, mentally, it has been hard at times. Hang in there and things will get much better. Definitely set up a regular Mommy-daughter time each week for you and your oldest. You may feel annoyed with her now but things will change and soon you will feel she is your helpful big-girl. Let us know how it goes. -C.

Seek help through your doctor immediately. They can help because you sound depressed.

Talk to your ob. It sounds like post partum depression. Also, go talk to a psychologist. While I don't have the animosity towards my son, I see a lot of similarities with myself, and I was diagnosed with PPD. The medication helped, and having someone to talk to has helped even more.

I agree that you should talk with your Dr.

Tell him everything that you just told us...

Best wishes.

It sounds like clinical depression PLEASE seek HELP NOW!!! this is normal and will deminish over time, but you sound like you need a push with that. It took me over a year to start feeling like myself, and let me tell you My marrage is on the edge, do not do it yourself like me get the help!!!

Hi S.,

I know this is an old post. But thank you for writing it. I have a 21 month old and when she was born I felt that my then 4 year old was in the way. I too would look at her baby pictures and feel a sense of loss. I had to readjust that she was growing up and that little baby/toddler was now a little girl. It's almost like the child I knew didn't exist anymore. I felt guilty for it. She's 5 now and things are better, but i still feel sad when I look at her baby/toddler pictures. I look at my now almost 2 year old and think how she will one day change. They can't stay little forever. We need to adjust away from that cute innocent phase and grow with them.

thank you again for your post. Don't feel so alone in my feelings and how I felt.

Post partum depression - it's a pretty good bet you've got it. Talk to your doctor and get some help. You'll get through this and you'll feel great with your whole family again.

Sweet S., you now have a baby and you can see that your older daughter is no longer the baby you thought she was. She is a big girl. Now that you recognize that, you want her to *be* the big girl. Your expectations for what she should do have risen. Unfortunately, you probably have not trained her to do what you are now expecting her to do. You didn't need her to be a big girl before, but you need it now. So, my advice to you is to recognize her new role, and work with her to teach her how to live up to her role. See it as a gift and challenge for both of you. It's okay to have a baby that you can shelter and love. But, your older daughter needs to know that you love her also. With adding work into the mix, it is so complicated and your time is greatly limited. Your baby needs you like no one else in the world does. But, you are unable to personally meet those needs while you are at work. I would think that would cause stress in your life. Then, your 5 year old also needs you, but her needs aren't as pressing as the baby's. So, she gets pushed aside and is expected to grow up already. S., take this time to nurture your daughter, to teach her how to help you. It doesn't have to be you against the world. (or against your daughter) Even just letting her know how to help will have great implications to her in her value as a productive member of your family. She needs you, just as much as the baby, but just in a different way. Let your husband know how you are feeling so that he can fill in the gap as needed. He probably already sees it, but sometimes people need to have things spelled out for them. It will get better. Blessings to you.

I don't know how to help... but I do think you may be experiencing some feelings of postpardum depression. I would call your doctor and talk to him about what is going on. You may just have a minor chemical/hormonal imbalance that needs to be adjusted.... and then you will see the loving, caring, mother and wife that you are missing. Hang in there, get some help, and prayers that it all gets better real soon!

You are going through some very legitimate problems. Going back to work and putting your baby in daycare is a tragedy. Its something no mother should have to do, but unfortunately many mothers do. If you can make it without putting your baby in daycare then do it, its best for you and definitely best for your baby.
Either way, talk to your doctor. You are definitely showing signs of Postpartum depression. That is nothing to be ashamed of, its physical and can be helped. Please talk to your doctor, your husband can't help you so don't put this on him. When you leave your doctor's office come home with pamphlets and information about PPD for your husband to read so he will understand what's going on and be more sensitive to your needs.

Your last paragraph sounds like depression. But the middle paragraph, wanting give all your time an energy to the baby and not the older one seems pretty common. I went through it with my 2 and I was warned about it by another mom when I was pregnant. I still struggle with this a lot even though my second is 20 months now. My older one is a boy and rarely ever quiet to sitting still and my daughter is more similar to my personality. I find with me it is worse when I am tired or not feeling well--then I am irritable with everyone (and feel discouraged about everything as well)! I imagine since you have a 3 month old you probably still recovering from the birth/pregnancy and up a lot at night with the baby. Giving my older one a little bit of individual attention (even 10-15 minutes is enough) helps curb his acting up. But there are still days I am just too exhausted. So when it happens to you, skip the guilt trip and just get yourself back on track as soon as you reasonably can. If you don't take care of yourself no one else will and they will still expect you to take care of them! It does get better though. When the baby is a bit older and has more of a routine and you aren't up as much at night it helps a lot.

I have recently given birth to a little girl who is 8 weeks old. I also have a 4 year old and feel the same way toward my 4 year old. I feel like a terrible person for feeling that way toward her and I don't know what is wrong with me. Everyone always says "You love all your children the same." Everything my 4 year old does irritates me and drives me crazy. I always thought Post Pardom deppression was toward the baby. I love my baby more than anything and feel I don't eant to even be around my other child. I haven't even told my husband about this or anyone for that matter. I don't think anyone would understand and would judge me.

Sweetie - what you are feeling is very normal! :) almost all woman go through this especially when there's such a difference in age. However, I would recommend you seeing your Gynocologist because what I had and what you are sharing is Postpartum Depression. I personally loved Wellbutrin it helped me so much and didn't give way to my sex drive as a lot of other anti-deppressants do. You're absolutely normal but to keep your relationship saved with your husband and your older daughter you need to be seen for that. Good luck!

Please get help. It does sound like PPD. Think of your little girl. I'm sure she can feel the aminosity you are holding towards her. It is a horrible thing for her to have to go through and it isn't your fault. Please get help asap.

Ask for professional help.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Talk to someone who can validate your feelings.
You may have PPD which is something that you can't just make go away and you need support right now.
Husbands don't give birth. Often they don't understand what a roller coaster our bodies and systems go through.
For one thing, I think we set ourselves up sometimes to just think that everything will be rosy and perfect when a new baby arrives, but the truth is that it's a big adjustment. Moms, especially, are prone to feeling guilty for being tired or getting grouchy or being overwhelmed.
It's not an uncommon occurance by any means.
Talk to your OB/GYN and tell him exactly what you told us.
I had a new baby and an abusive husband. I thought I was going crazy. My doctor was such a help to me.
They've heard everything. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

You will get through this and I send you prayers for well-being.
Be good to yourself.

Best wishes.

I think you know the answer, but you need counseling, and as soon as possible. I am no expert, but it sounds like you might be experiencing post-partum depression. Whatever it is, you need to resolve your feelings towards your oldest daughter as quickly as possible, because it is completely unfair to a child that her mother feels this way about her (especially when it sounds completely unwarranted). Your partner sounds like a very good man, so you might want to consider couples counseling, as well.